All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
IRS LEANING ON ILLEGAL ALIENS
(Ogden) The Internal Revenue Service has announced an aggressive plan to extract over 4.9 billion dollars of overdue taxes from illegal aliens. The plan, which is to be implemented on Christmas Eve, targets aliens from as far away as Neptune and Pluto.
“We’re tired of these deadbeats taxing services, using our airways, and conducting under-the-table business operations,” said Manuel Turnip of the Treasury Department. “Claims that they are non-profit are bogus. Just because they don’t file the correct paperwork on employees and claim $200 business lunches doesn’t place them above our regulations.”
It has been surmised that most inhabitants of the colder planets require immense portions of earth food due to generations of exposure to frigid weather. One alien, exhibiting the color and general bone structure of an aspen tree in July, was observed eating 150 pounds of lettuce at a local salad bar last Friday while his date, a reasonably cute purple-haired Western State coed gnawed on a barbecued rib bone throughout the evening.
“So what?” piped Turnip. “Let them eat cake.”
One former inhabitant of Riobaldo, the fifth star in the Bingo Galaxy, says the IRS is picking on aliens since the average voter doesn’t believe they exist. He says there are millions of humanoid types in the United States alone, citing the high attendance at such cultural events as the opening of Brawl Marts and the number of successful monster truck rallies held annually.
“Who do you think those people are?” asked the Riobaldonian, who has been incarcerated for evasion of income taxes, since 1964. “We’ve been watching earth for some time now and, despite what your schools say about test scores and with due respect to your occasional achievement in the fields of arts and science, you, at least in an intellectual sense, peaked just after World War II. The IRS, along with television, mass merchandising, freeways and professional sport broadcasts are among the leading factors of validity’s collapse.
The alien went on to say that he has read over 4500 books since his arrest.
“I’ve only got another decade to go and I’m out on parole,” he smiled. “Fortunately we Riobaldo lads live up to 1000 and our mates often reach 1200 or more if they take the right vitamins.”
The IRS stopped short of verifying alien sightings even though it plans to investigate leading space creatures before April 15.
“We don’t have to see a suspect walk out of a space ship to audit him,” clapped Turnip. “The red flag goes up when we see an antenna coming out of his accountant’s head or a 28-letter name on computer that contains nothing but consonants. They can’t hide from us even with the phony checkbooks and that silly monopoly money that has been in circulation for the past year. Have you seen the Ben Franklins? Who’d be dumb enough to take one for debts public or private?”
Still the aliens hang on, claiming that light years are a deduction, winning a six-month quart battle over taxable child care, gritting their bicuspids over plans to cut capital gains.
“The deep-rooted problem is that none of us aliens has ever wanted to work for the IRS and they resent us for it,” said a silver-sheathed accountant from Barlparami, an upstart planet in the Chin-Mahoney Galaxy. “They just hate to see anyone, especially small business aliens, succeed and then beat them with their own rules.”
– Ripple Van Winkle
“There is nothing the rabble fears more than intelligence. If they understood what is truly terrifying, they would fear ignorance.”
– Goethe
Demasiados graves son perjudiciales para las dentaduras postizas
(Colona) Los usuarios de dentaduras postizas pueden correr un riesgo extremo cuando se los somete a tonos bajos o vibraciones comunes de los equipos estéreo de los automóviles. Según los principales grupos de consumidores, la exposición regular a ondas graves fuertes y fuertes no sólo es tediosa e inquietante para los oídos, sino que también puede provocar un rápido deterioro y rechazo de las dentaduras postizas, o dientes postizos, como se los conoce más comúnmente.
Según los expertos, no importa qué tan bien se ajuste la dentadura postiza a la boca, los decibeles bajos tendrán efectos adversos hasta en el 95% de los casos examinados. En algunos casos raros, los dentistas han descubierto que las dentaduras postizas se desprenden después de sólo un breve periodo de tiempo. Generalmente se necesita repetición y exposición continua a este tipo de sonidos pero los resultados son casi siempre los mismos.
“Queremos advertir especialmente a los abuelos que conducen con sus nietos”, dijo Suzie Compost, una portadora de dentaduras postizas convertida en activista después de que su dentadura postiza saliera volando de un descapotable lanzando a todo volumen un brebaje de rap en auge. Íbamos conduciendo cuando sentí que mi dentadura postiza se aflojaba y se soltaba. Antes de que pudiera reaccionar, ya no estaban”.
Según otros conductores, la parte superior muy maltratada resbaló del parabrisas, se estrelló contra un poste de luz y se estrelló contra el pavimento antes de ser recuperada de una zanja. Los bajos aún están por recuperarse.
Incluso las personas que poseen sus masticadores originales pueden ser víctimas del golpeteo del bajo, según los expertos, que dicen que ninguno de los sentidos está equipado para soportar el ataque.
“Afortunadamente, la mayoría de los usuarios de prótesis dentales son mayores y no ven los beneficios de esta expresión musical”, añade Compost.
-Dolores Alegria
Classified
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Parting out what was once the GOP. 25% off Integrity, truth, leadership. Morality are on the cutting block all weekend. Two for one election officials. Cheap bald tires, broke odometer/low mileage, slightly cracked windshield, air-conditioning still works, mechanic’s manual signed by Ways and Means stalwarts, lots of extras unqualified to work anywhere else. Big Mitch’s Bargain Barn. First people in the door will be born again.
Will the red-haired woman I met on the banks of Gurly Ditch tell her brothers over at Bullfrog Reservoir that I was just a-funnin’ with you and that I don’t want to end up “face down in Terrible Creek”. Tell ‘em the part about where I saved you from a black bear and bought you ice tea on the way home. Thanks Samson Dwill, Sams Drop-off.
Organically Martian funerals – space shots with Stiffs to the Stars. Why rent a Hearse went you can buy your very own composting module?
In other developments heaven will use possession arrow in 2022. Jump balls at the Pearly Gates.
Bad Tuna Aftershave is now available in the easy open Bota Bag. Musick’s Cordials since before pantyhose and after breakfast bars.
Domestic militiamen needed now to protect us from ourselves. Apply at any Denny’s.
Know your own history or perish: Did the Black Plague, carried by fleas on rats, get a leg up because the Catholic Church considered cats to be satanic? Did the bishops encourage the faithful to kill them, thus dispensing with a natural enemy.
Pew Poll Robs Peter to Pay Paul
(Montrose) In the most recent Pew Poll, taken at local kneeling places over the weekend, Good holds a narrow margin over Evil. Principals in the polling admit that their survey is not entirely scientific since it targets faithful kneelers who are at least ninety percent within recognized pews.
“People with knees or feet sticking out cannot be counter, nor can people who are standing or sitting,” said one pollster. “Them that stayed in bed or don’t go to church at all have been written off and no consulted at all on these matters.”
Good, generally represented by a Supreme Power netted a 51% approval rating compared to Evil, represented by Demonic Darkness filed a 46% response. A surprising 3% remain undecided as of Monday morning.
“It’s difficult to comprehend how anyone could be undecided with all the publicity and everything,” continued the pollster who conceded that absentee ballots from beyond the grave would not be counted until after next week’s sermon entitled “Exporting Democracy”.
Although the polls have been conducted exclusively in Christian domains researchers insist they are valid.
“Some of the pagans have complained that the choices are far too limited,” said the poll source. “They’d like to see all the Hindu gods represented or maybe the Sun and the Moon as well. I’m just glad the enlightened are masterminding these returns or we’d have anarchy at the altar.”
At present respondents have the choice between God and Lucifer, with the other members of the metaphysical elite taking a back seat. Unless something major goes down between now and the final appraisal experts expect things to remain about the same.
“We’ve got a Supreme, all-powerful being who can’t seem to shake his adversary from the depths while the Evil One is impotent just so long as the Good Guy is on the heavenly throne,” said the pollster. “It’s a constant struggle that takes place in the heart of every human, every day. A stalemate of these proportions is unthinkable yet horns have been locked since First Light. It’s no wonder people are confused.”
For sale or lease: Rare photo of Joan of Arc sitting side-saddle at the Siege of Orleans.
Paper Donates Archives to Local Pound
(Manana) The San Juan Horseshoe has donated some 15,000 tons of old issues to the local dumb friends shelter here. The black and white newspapers, all in excellent shape, are meant to provide a safe, sanitary and sustainable answer to clean up procedures and speed up puppy training methods currently employed at the pound.
The generous contribution will allow the facility to create a more serene environment leading to happier and more adoptable young pets. The issues, from 1977-1987 had not been reviewed since 2000 and were just taking up space.
“The gift will provide comfort to so many,” said a tearful Averill Glee, who is allergic to cats. “The problem we have now is that our employees get distracted, reading the older stories and photos and the puppies end up peeing on the floor.”
Pound Principals promise that these glitches will disappear in time. On the first day as recipients, staff covered about 2 acres in cage floors and lined hot spots on the geriatric wing.
Other local papers, attempting to get in on the recycle plan were turned away.
“Their stories are too dated to use with young puppies. We feel that nonsense and satire are more gentle than banner headlines when it comes to potty time,” said Glee. “One must keep in mind here that we are not trying to scare the animals but rather soothe them at their time of need.”
The newspaper plans to write off the gift along with mounds of cosmic debris and untapped potential curious to its popular website.
– Suzie Compost
