All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
YULESCOPE
(Silverton Star Gazers Report – December 12, 2014)
Attention Star Gazer Types: When ordering from the following cosmic menu please do so only by adjoining number. No substitutions. Parties of ten or more will be charged a 15% gratuity fee if they look like deadbeats. Remember: It is illegal to move around a Utah restaurant with a cocktail in your hand but, in most cases, you are in Colorado, so it’s OK. Persons under18 and over 65 qualify for a 25% discount but must include the ability to display color-coordinated underwear in their repertoire
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Winter is here. How about a nice root canal to go with it? There will be great relief from the frustrations associated with shorter daylight hours, as television bowling is about to hit prime time. Weekends will be full, Diversions from the work/school could include experimentation with potato vodka. Your kid has been named Most Valuable Player on his charm school football team. Your dog is at risk. A few hours spent on housebreaking techniques could save the rug and give both of you a strong sense of accomplishment.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – January 21)
In order to succeed today, you must have the courage of your convictions, even though most are classified as misdemeanors. If you have no convictions, borrow some from a friend. If you really believe in something, don’t let the facts cloud your mind. Jump in with two or three feet. Things should proceed quite well this month just as long as you do not meddle in your own affairs. The key to enjoying the great outdoors is spending more time indoors. Consolidate copper finances. It’s a start.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 22 – Feb. 19)
Victory may have its cost, but over the long haul it is always cheaper than defeat. You shouldn’t have too much of a problem making decisions today if you simply ignore all possible options. Your chart indicates that rewards are on the way, but it also indicates that you are prime for a collision with a small panel truck. It will become quite difficult to follow your instincts while attempting to lead. Store all holiday fruitcake carefully. After a few months fermenting, it could give you a welcome buzz, come February.
PISCES (Feb. 20 – March 20)
Today is a good time to write letters. Try with the vowels first and move into the consonants when you are ready. Crayons are a girl’s best friend but a pen and pencil set makes a better Christmas present. Distance yourself from nuclear waste. Someone very close to you may not be as perceptive or resourceful as you are. Go for the throat and you will no doubt come out with prize scalps. Overcome your self-doubt with the realization that much comfort comes by embracing general incompetence. Your fly is open.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
That big, red nose will make it tough to get away with little white lies today. Experiment with half-truths in small doses. When dealing with your emotions or a side dish of reality, stick to the children’s portions. You are in a cycle demanding careful management of your resources. Add bleach. Keep one eye on the stock market and the other two on your piggy bank. Avoid the temptation to showboat while dumpster diving. Nobody likes grandstanding, with the possible exception of rats.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll never find a sugar daddy (or momma) with that sour look on your face. If we get to heaven on the arms of people we’ve helped, do we go to hell riding on the asses we’ve kicked? Warmer relationships are a sure thing this month especially if you spend it in Mexico. Initiate romance by brushing your teeth. While potentially harmful, erratic behavior is better than no behavior at all. Memorize the numbers and letters on your license plate. These combinations hold the future!
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Obsessive concern over trendy fashion could be your downfall. Try wearing whatever clothes you find on the floor each morning. Exude apathy and people will notice your outfit. Understanding the complexities of the modern world may require an occasional glance beyond your proboscis. Avoid split pea soup with dangling participles and tip big through the 26th. 1996 was a great year to diet. Using adjectives that one does not understand will ultimately lead to adverbial abuse from peers.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Buckle under pressure. Sure, it can be embarrassing but it beats raising expectations. Be patient with your worst enemy today, since he is the only one who still talks to you. Count to 10 before reacting to a conflict. If this is too much mental strain, try counting to 9 or 8. How can a lover expect you to make a commitment when you can’t even make the bed? Attempts to control your own destiny may fall short today. Instead, let fate roll the dice, but only if it has the hot hand. Shooting first and asking questions later might alleviate a lot of useless chatter but may generate problems in the legal arena. Pay all Bills. Anyone named John, Mary or Bob can just wait.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your magnetic personality could leave you stuck this month. Avoid metal objects larger than the plate in your head. Cupid may be sitting on your shoulder this month. Check for stains. Fantasies and realities blend well at this time but so do rum and coconuts. Winning isn’t everything. There’s always losing. Be careful what you say this month, since someone might actually be listening. Your ability to do nothing for long periods of time is astounding to tree sloths. Stay upwind from department store Santas.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
A positive philosophical attitude and outlook should help you rationalize almost anything through the month. May and June look good for you, but until then the best approach is to hang out. It’s amazing what a little dry wall and carpet can do for your rock. Breaking a sweat may be better than breaking the scale. Take house plants for a long walk. Grab the offensive this month by scrutinizing others before they scrutinize you. Don’t burn bridges at both ends this holiday season. Libido flows everywhere. Invest in a sturdy mop and bucket ensemble.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)
Join a peer group sometime soon. Avoid redneck elves with opinions up their sleeves. Santa Claus is real, but you are not. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating or drinking your limit. Don’t you think it’s high time you got physical with knickknacks? Driving through a red light is better than stopping for a green one. Hate Christmas? So did Joe Stalin. Jesus was a Capricorn. You are a worthless Libra. Tonight: Take a bath with your livestock.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Your prospects for financial gain are excellent if you simply dress the part. A ski mask is essential, as well as subtle jewelry, light makeup, sensible footwear and a tasteful handbag. Don’t count you chickens before the cows come home to roost or something. Imitate the proud jackass. He has somehow ascended your family tree which is now prime for the trimming. Endangered horned owls will make a nest in your best boxer shorts. Personality quirks are not likely to disappear until you do. Have your spleen removed before the prices go up! Kokanee illusions could get you into hot water with the fish and game people.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist
Local man elected dogcatcher
(Special from The Pea Green Peeper — November 28, 2014)
(California Mesa) Herman Glicke did not attend the police academy or buy in to the them and us mentality while running a squeaky clean campaign for the coveted spot as dog catcher here. Even rivals agree he knows his dog business.
In a close race where Glicke defeated the hugely popular Wally “The Shrimp” Ackerman, the canine vote was the telltale stat. It was the first time anyone can remember when a local was elected dogcatcher.
Glicke, a former piccolo great at Olathe High School seemed a shoo-in after the dogs had voted. In precinct after precinct the results were the same. Most of the humans voted for Ackerman while the dogs, angry at illegal gerrymandering by local Republicans, came out in favor of Glicke.
Olathe has many registered and unregistered dogs, many of which expressed outrage that voting rights had been molested and redrawn so as to suit the powers that be.
“It was a surprise,” said old-timer Salvio Panama, a beekeeper up here on the mesa. “Rumors started by you-know-who claimed that Glicke had a tail. That didn’t work, now did it?”
The position involves pet control and, as the title implies “catching dogs”.
Glicke’s first move will reportedly involve gaining the trust of his constituency.
“I really hate to turn on the dogs that voted for me but that’s politics.”
– Dag Katz
Sock Market Crashes
Western Colorado Financial Updates – Nov 28, 2014
(New York) The American Sock Exchange, recently driven to its knees by yet another Spandex Incursion, is now facing a hostile takeover by Chinese commodity traders who currently manufacture more than half the socks worn around the world.
Adding to the fears of a total collapse was the news that imports are up and expected to increase over the next year.
“We have finally snapped and broken,” said one thread broker. “Those workers in China, Brasil and Kenya knit faster. We can’t compete even though our quality is of a much better caliber.”
The industry began its elastic sag in 2006 and slid down to ankle depths after it was impossible to gain protectionist legislation in Washington. Gaping holes began to emerge in marketing campaigns while sales of cheap, foreign foot fashion soared.
“Don’t hose me on this,” said industry spokesperson Bobbie Argyle. “The government that we resent for restrictions on business in this country failed to protect us. We may never see another pair of American-made socks. It is indeed a sad day for feet in our nation.”
A spokesman for the United States Chamber of Commerce disagreed saying that the sock market had every opportunity to toe the line and bone up over the past decade.
“Who is trying to pull the wool over our eyes now?” asked Frank Frostbite, of the esteemed business mouthpiece. “What about nylon, silk, cashmere, mohair, linen and even bamboo socks? Ms. Argyle is only seeing the tip of the iceberg and that alone is enough reason to double up…on socks, I mean, not on Ms. Argyle.”
Meanwhile in Asia, the news of the crash was met with mixed reaction. The scene is utter mayhem. Factories shuffle workloads, beef-up inventories and manufacturers pour over figures just as U.S. consumers gear up for the colder weather.
“This is all too surreal for me so I’m going back to bed,” said the original thread broker. – Dag Katz
Favorite Things
(Western Colorado – Nov 28, 2014)
(With apologies to Mary Martin et al)
Raincoats on lushes
And barbells on kittens
Stinky old buses
And loud politicians
Octogenarians out for their flings—
These are a few of my favorite things.
Tailgating morons
And overcooked noodles
Clever young yupsters
And turkeys with poodles
The length of the winter, the mud in the spring—
These are a few of my favorite things.
When their smog chokes
When their air clings
When I’m feeling had
I simply remember the rivers and peaks
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Troops in the desert
And missiles in Europe
Barack to the rescue
His boots in the stirrup
Traffic and meltdowns
Some drunk trying to sing—
These are a few of my favorite things.
Red necks and liberals
Identity crisis
Miso and tofu
Assorted brown rices
IRS agents, a briefcase they bring—
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the tick lights
When the truth stings
When I’m feeling had
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel too sad.
Hassles and conflicts
And nuclear winters
Fresh out of toothpicks
And hands full of splinters
Media preachers who want to be king—
These are a few of my favorite things.
