All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
BORED OUT OF MIND
by Jonathan Lowe
“Insecurity,” repeats Bernard Grossman unequivocally, “is what makes the world go round.” (Love, of course, has shriveled completely out of contention). It is insecurity, says Grossman, while on a lecture tour at $6000 per hour, which has been inculcated into the American psyche to the exclusion of everything-objectivity, perception, all the major emotions, sanity, and even so called ‘!common sense”. I caught Grossman’s lecture at Purgatory Junior College high in the Rockies after having read a circular which was stuck in my windshield wiper at the Perimeter Mall (where I’d been to see “The Fly” at one of those theater multiplexes which play second-run specials—a ticket and popcorn for a buck fifty). I figured I needed a highbrow change of pace since my brain had appeared (to me at least) somewhat flabby on my most recent CAT scan. The $14 fee and the hard seat notwithstanding, I was determined to enjoy the evening, and before introductions were even completed I’d already forgotten that “Robot Monster” was playing across town for aback—which included the privilege of choosing sides in the bloody Cola wars. Thanks to Grossman’s reacting to his own introduction with applause (not to mention his exaggerated facial tics and the ability to make clearing his throat sound curiously like the swirl of water in a toilet bowl), I soon no longer regretted the fact that my wiper blade had failed to dislodge the advertisement in question, even after twenty consecutive sweeps. And so, with a growing sense of anticipation, I awaited the opportunity to exercise my long dormant brain with the help of a man who had earned honorary degrees in physics and parapsychology from Upper Volta University and had gained a GED from Mickey Rooney Institute of Burbank. What follows is a brief summation of what Grossman sees through his red, road map eyes as he stares out across the experience of eighteen months since the publication of “Grossman’s Guide to the Galaxy” (a book that not only rocked the scientific community because it described the Andromedian Galaxy, but which enabled Grossman to -achieve his more practical dream of being interviewed by Robin Leach on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous”.) Grossman On Astral Projection “Looking down on your body is very difficult to achieve, as you may have suspected. While many people hate their bodies, they have yet to master this skill. Simply loathing what you look like will not work in most instances. You have to be able to do it with your eyes closed. Once you learn to do this, however, all that remains is really despising “where you are”.” Grossman On Aliens “There is an Intelligence at work in the Universe and it’s damn well not us. Of all the planets my consciousness has visited I have yet to witness a similar form of life. Is this an accident I ask, or rather by design? And what will happen when this Intelligence decides which Designer Aliens are “in” style and which “out”. Will we bipeds really become the rage in space? Of course if all of this IS by chance, then I suspect that the galaxies are merely cells in the body of this other Intelligence. In which case Black Holes can be thought of as cancer cells associated with not getting enough fiber in the diet. My attempts at mental projection in order to communicate with this Being (if it exists) have been blocked by what may be its blood/brain barrier. Optically, of course the telescope on Mount Palomar can only see as far as the walls of its intestines. Viewing is difficult due to the presence of gas.”
Grossman On Entertainment “Humans are unique, and particularly in that they alone have developed extremely short attention spans. (Only a hummingbird’s is shorter). This is the direct result of the advent of the 30 second TV commercial. Searching the fossil records, we discover that prehistoric man may have taken as long as three months on a single cave drawifig. Today we pride ourselves on how many subway cars we can vandalize in three minutes. And even best sellers these days have titles such as “The One Minute Lover”. In fact without music videos and special effects we become bored after exactly 84 seconds. Last year it was 92 seconds. When the countdown reaches zero, someone will push the BUTTON as soon as the batteries in their Sonny Watchman die. Question: If an ancient race with solutions to all of our problems arrives on earth, will we have the patience to listen-or will we put them on TV and judge them by the Neilsen ratings? Grossman On Love “The major problem with love is that because of high divorce rates of recent decades, homo sapiens have come to realize that they can probably fall in -love with just about anything and anybody. So now it has become harder to fall in love, even over a candlelight dinner. Unless, of course, it is too dark to see what is going on? (Finally) Grossman On Insecurity “The reason insecurity is so important during our present state of evolution is because we’ve finally realized that we’re not so big after all. It all started about the time Galileo took out a comprehensive insurance policy on his new telescope. It will end on the day when we suddenly wake up to the realization that there are more lawyers on the planet than non-lawyers. Epilogue At home, later the same evening I practiced flexing my new mental muscles, an with incredible strain eventually managed to float my consciousness out the window and high over my house. But after a minute and a half of this I became inexplicably bored, which I suspect was not only because it was too dark to see what was going on in any neighbor’s fenced-in pool. Was this really the final frontier? I asked myself bleakly.
Quickly dodging several quite common birds, I returned to my body, changed clothes, a cruised over to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Shove for the 37th time, making a mental note to sue Grossman for at least a refund. But when I came out of the movie there was a second leaflet stuck in my wiper blade. Grossman, it said, was moving to the Wimpton Com-munity Garden Club & Civic Center for a limited engagement. (Obviously, though, he knew from where the bulk of his audiences would continue to come.). I decided to drop the idea of a lawsuit and buy another ticket when I saw the subject: “Intermediate Projection-Getting Higher Than A Kite”. There was also an order form attached for Grossman’s second offering “The Missing Link”. The blurb went, Tor an examination of cave art, travel back in time with the professor 2 hill-lion or 20 million years back. Apparently like the multitude interviewed by Robin Leach, Grossman wasn’t too sure about the decimal point
Western Counties May Secede
Donald Powers Jr. and Melvin Toolini contributed to this article
It has become painfully apparent that the state gov’ment, based far, far away in Denver, is partial toward the needs of the Front Range. Sadly, the best anyone from Western Colorado can hope for are the crumbs leftover from that mess over there. Either that or complete separation.
Many imperative projects have been forgotten or never began due to priorities based on population and wealth centered on the east side of the Great Divide. The social and economic progress of the Western Slope has suffered in direct correlation to this blind eye.
Because of this deplorable situation it has long been the desire of many residents living in these hinterlands to drop off the map of Colorado and form an independent government. A precedent was set in West Virginia in 1862 when that state left Virginia over a communal disturbance called the American Civil War.
And now a progressive yet tedious concept has been advanced that may supplant the above notion: Secession from the United States!
Spearheaded by a contingent of mining and agricultural interests, the expanded concept bases its stimulus on the belief that the United States is headed rapidly toward demise. Be it terrorism, nuclear war, global warming, sectarian violence or the accelerated dumbing down of the nation, the cards appear stacked against a bright future.
“People do not appear to like each other in the US,” said Professor Efram Pennywhistle of the Western Slope Mood and Leverage Institute. “They all blame the other side for the problems that have been created by everyone. Many here feel that by severing ties we might escape the coming holocaust, this bad karma.
For logistical reasons the entire landmass of the Western Slope will not be included in the plan. Although still in the early planning stages it has become clear that hastily raised militia cannot defend vast reaches that border Wyoming and Utah. At present it is hoped that the counties of San Juan, Ouray, Hinsdale, Ouray and San Miguel can be weaved into a workable union, allied as a kind of Switzerland of America.
Although the inclusion of Montrose and Delta Counties would provide verdant agricultural pasture, it has been firmly rejected by the clandestine leadership due to the difficulty of defending the flatlands against an expected military incursion by the United States or other potentially hostile parties on our borders.
“The mountainous regions can be held by a relatively small force against a stronger contingent of attackers,” said a well-decorated commander named George S. Bolivar. “The plains would mandate the deployment of a considerably larger army.”
While many distinct problems remain unanswered as to the actual formation of a new nation, several have found immediate solutions. For example, forming a treasury would not be difficult in that all of property and industry owned by non-residents would be nationalized. This would include valuable mining operations and water projects that the new government could manage. Gold and jobs would be the result. The gold would then be available for coinage, giving the new country the soundest monetary base in the world. Instead of printed promises, as in our present currency, all money
would now have inherent worth as solid gold, a standard respected anywhere.
High yields shared by a small population would create a tax-free system where opportunity would exist for all.
Pettiness has reared its head as such items of contention include the location of the new capital. Already many towns and cities have eyeballed the honor. Then the floundering founders remembered Capitol City in Hinsdale County agreeing that it might be the perfect spot.
Capitol City was plotted during the early years of settlement with the hopes that it would become the seat of government for the state. With this in mind the name evolved. Today Capitol City is one of many ghost towns that dot topographic maps, surviving the boom and bust status of those mining days.
It has been tentatively decided that Capitol City might be easily resurrected and put to this original intention, thus terminating future arguments. Names for the new nation drifted from such frontrunners as Colotherado and Blue Sky Confederation.
A host of other problems must still be sorted out. One bothersome question asks if it is ethical to charge neighboring domains for not building sewage treatment plants where our rivers cross out of our borders and into theirs. These annoyances are expected to be resolved in good time.
Meanwhile emissaries from this controversial congress will continue to bring about a reality aimed at shedding the tyranny of our oppressors without provoking a destructive, martial response.
We at this newspaper will endeavor to keep you informed of all issues related to the secession, as they unfold. Until then: Keep your powder dry.
Vulcan Homeland Proposed
(Iola-Cebolla Times – May 10, 2015
A final vote slated for next Friday in the State Senate will determine if and when a Vulcan Homeland will be established in Colorado Rockies. The Vulcans, longtime allies of the Federation, have been lobbying for their own piece of territory in Western Colorado since 1984 when they were driven from their native planet by the evil, disgusting Klingons (aka Clingons, not to be confused with Clintons).
Sites now being considered include Sapinero, Colorado (not the original town site which is under water) Grand Lake and McPhee Reservoir. The Vulcans, known as Water People since their great chief, Spock, retired, do not like the desert although Lake Powell is held as sacred.
“The Vulcans want to be within the confines of the Rockies yet far enough from the madding crowd to proliferate their culture,” said Dr. Gerard Antero, chair of the furniture department at Western State University in nearby Gunnison. “Assimilation is no easy task and most of us understand that. A pilot program here at WSCU aims at helping younger Vulcans stay off drugs and spacecraft until they have reached adulthood.”
Many here hope the rehabilitated teens will go on to study at Western and move to the suburbs after graduation.
“They made fun of my kid last year at Gunnison High because he has big ears even for a Vulcan,” said one parent who has been in limbo on the homeland issue since 2010. “They will sing a different tune come wrestling season.”
Despite bad roads, threats from the Clingons/Klingons, and last-minute social complications, the measure is expected to pass the House and Senate at warp speed. – Lt. “Betty” Uhura
Historic Brothel Burns
(Crested Butte, Colorado – April 25, 2015) This town’s last known house of ill repute burned to the ground early Thursday morning. Hundreds watched in awe while others cried openly in the street. The Play Station, as it was last called, was located just off Elk Avenue. It had been in operation since 1889, two weeks longer than local government.
The faded landmark began turning dollars soon after the town of Crested Butte emerged from the coalfields. For 125 years it was the scene of shootings and fundraisers, poker games and pie cook-offs, funerals and celebrations.
Now all that remained were whiffs of cheap perfume/ puddles of ashy water and fire hoses. Bits of red carpet that had survived the blaze were taken as souvenirs by the mangy crowd hanging in the shadows of the inferno. Arson is expected.
“Some do-gooder got wind of what was going down and burned the place down,” said Lyle Montgomery, 99, a retired coal miner. “I remember when all we had here were mines and parlors. Now both are gone.”
Police expect an increase in traffic on Gothic Road between Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte as a result of the fire. Fortunately the latter burgh still boasts 14 of diversionary houses within its jurisdiction.
Colona Fishing Fleet in Dry Dock Until June
The world renown Wildcat Fishing Fleet is winding down after a successful spring voyage to the Arctic. Commander Arthur Carpe of the flagship Navy Bean said most ships will be decommissioned but a few would journey south to cast their nets off the coast of Colombia. This is repeatedly recognized as one of the finest fleets on the planet. L-98 on your passport inserts. Here then are several of the more popular vessels and schedules for spring fishing expeditions.
OPEN BOATS
Outhouse Slew – Tuna only. 3 am. Don’t be late.
Dry Creek Queen – Pleasure boat. No fishing until after lunch.
Dexter Skipper – Daily trips to Nucla and Naturita. Paradox weekends.
Wahoo Catfisher – River fishing. High quantity catch. No cameras.
CHARTER BOATS
Dallas I and Dallas II – Shortfish, Walleye, Perch. Tuna salad served.
Mrs. Paul Star – Sails from Buckhorn. Flounder and cod on worms and grasshopper lures.
