All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Explorers Discover Western Slope
From Mega-Mega News – July 10, 2015
(Confront Range) There’s water in them thar hills! That has been the persistent cry of thirsty development on the east side of the Rockies since the first gold came out of Cherry Creek. Now a modern Lewis and Clark wagon train, featuring stand-ins, Admiral John Hickenlooper and Major John Elway, has finally stood on the land west of the perilous Continental Divide.
The exploratory commission, sanctified on South Broadway in April, has collected thousands of samples, snapped hundreds of photographs and mapped the region topographically and politically. Both men are looking forward to what promises to be a grand reception upon their return to civilization next week.
According to press particulars the party has chartered a vast stretch of land somewhere in that treacherous, yet mystical land between the Animas and the Yampa. High deserts, prominent alpine peaks, green valleys and rigorous canyons abound as does water, the fool’s gold of the 21st Century.
Hickenlooper has already appointed Colonel Walter Weiss as Magistrate General and named two of the higher peaks after Elway and himself. The governor then gave thanks that the discovery would surely provide food and fuel, as well as water, for the growing Front Range population.
Busy with a pick and shovel looking for accessible vote veins Hickenlooper refused to comment on well-publicized plans to dump toxic waste materials here.
Meanwhile Elway, acting as a special envoy from the Denver Water Board, has reinstated the Homestead Act of 1869 that allows urban tribes to occupy unused portions of land with full intent to claim it after improvements are completed.
“And yes, we will build skyscrapers, stadiums, parks, low income housing and interstates just like we have in the real world,” said General Hickenlooper, who hopes to be knighted for his efforts.
The successful exploration puts to rest silly fears and ancestral myths that warn of a great abyss, west of Loveland Pass, that would suck foolhardy travelers into evil vacuums and suffocating cirques that pepper the landscape. The tales tell of surviving trekkers, that had drifted too far in any direction, inevitably falling off the steep, shear edge. Prospects had once allegedly included up front confrontations with a frightening sagebrush eternity full of predator colfax bruins and hungry brown cloud leopards.
When asked about the sparsely settled villages and sophisticated river communities (Grand Junction?) Hickenlooper said the stoned-age tribes inhabiting the terrain had nothing to fear.
“The blissful peoples who live west of here will share in the progress that is right around someone’s corner,” interjected Elway almost on cue. “We plan to create thousands of subsistence level jobs at minimum wage and show them what life is all about. Any malcontents and rebels can easily be shipped off to Zutah where they will live happily ever after on sunny, wide- open reservations, counseled by pompous, incapable federal and state ritual technicians with sociology degrees. It’s happened before and not so long ago, no?” – Harv Birdseede
Where are they now?
Snooping on Western Colorado graduates – July 10, 2015
Omar Zia (Delta High School ’59)
After eight years in the navy, Omar relocated to Pakistan where he spent ten years as the military dictator of that nation. Today he owns a liquor store in Orange County, California where he is the spiritual leader of the local Republican Party. He can be reached c/o the Swiss Embassy, Pahlavi Blvd., Baluchistan, Pakistan.
John Cody (Norwood High School ‘ 43)
John dropped out of Little Sisters of the Enrichment Institute and joined the priesthood after serving six years in the Marine Corps. He is currently Cardinal John Cody and resides in St Louis, Missouri where his bingo empire is estimated to be worth millions. Although he has become a recluse in the past few years, insiders say he makes a regular appearance at the Berra-Garagiola Fish Fry held every Friday night on Elizabeth Avenue.
Taza Simpson a don cabinas de votación
(Montrose, Colorado – 01 de abril 2015) La detención, cara pero familiar de la celebridad de dibujos animados Homer Simpson se paseará por todas las cabinas de votación oficiales en 2016. Simpson, que mejor ejemplifica la búsqueda sin sentido de la zanahoria siglo 21, a menudo arroja su voto basado en rumores, rumores y vallas publicitarias que lee en el camino al trabajo.
“Él es un gran fan de la radio demasiado e incluso capturas de unos pocos las noticias de televisión a menos que dosifica fuera en el sofá en su lugar”, dijo su esposa Marge. Esta es la cosa más grande que eso es todo sucedió a alguien en nuestra familia “.
Los analistas consideran que Homer Simpson podría ser el nuevo niño del cartel para el nuevo campesinado y la oligarquía estadounidense.
“Él no es real brillante”, dijo un conductista política “tiene miedo de lo que no entiende y puede ser fácilmente manipulada. Su toma de capacidades, nivel de conversación, y yo primero actitud, junto con la falta de madurez bien documentado y una personalidad seriamente subdesarrollada decisión que le hacen la elección perfecta “.
Simpson por poco superó a Jeb Bush y Hillary Clinton por el honor.
“Ahora todo lo que queda es elegir los colores para las cabinas. Espero que vamos a ir con el amarillo y el azul, con grandes ojos hinchados rojos y una barriga cervecera intrusa “, dijo un invento de las decoraciones. “Queremos que todos los puestos sean uniformes y todos los votantes que parecemos. Si eso no es la democracia que no sé lo que es. “- Ripple Van Winkle
Telluride a fax basura a West End
(Ames) En lo que muchos ven como un vano intento de aplacar a los residentes de Naturita y Nucla el Ayuntamiento Telluride ha votado a favor de enviar por fax más cargamentos de basura al basurero allí.
“De esa manera nadie puede enojarse cuando ven nuestros camiones de basura descarga en un condado diferente”, dijo Ima Reddi, portavoz del órgano de gobierno. Nuestros camiones ya no arrastrarse a través de los centros de la ciudad causando resentimiento. Tenga en cuenta “, dijo Reddi,” que estas comunidades votaron para albergar una planta de residuos nucleares de aquí. ”
Si este programa principal tiene éxito Telluride será fax otros materiales de desecho directamente al vertedero oa otros lugares específicos, ya que, contrariamente a la opinión general, en partes del condado de San Miguel, gran parte de esta basura a menudo apesta.
“Debemos ser capaces de vender nuestra basura como recuerdos en E-Bay”, dijo Reddi. “Ya hemos generado una gran cantidad de artefactos mineras interés de contabilización y fotos antiguas. La basura está al lado. “- Melvin O’Toole
PORTRAIT OF AN ARTIST AS A MADMAN
by Jonathan Lowe
Leaving the gallery after having previewed Ni Ne’s premier exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum, I had the unsettling sensation that I was being followed. While it is true that art critics must occasionally deal with such bouts of paranoia (their words being so vital to the success of failure of an artist’s career) I nonetheless had my apartment searched for bombs and microphones prior to releasing this review. Suspecting something of Ne’s propensity for both ingenuity and revenge, I also called Rent-A-Doberman and shortly had six froth-mouthed canines roving the premises. Only after these precautions were taken could I settle into the chair in my hotel room four miles away and begin to compost my thesis: “The Man Is Mad”.
When we say “the artist is difficult” we sometimes mean that he lacks style in the classical sense (i.e. he doesn’t waste money on picture frames, pedestals or ties to wear to museum parties). On other occasions what we mean–as a compliment–is that he has dis-placed the typical social and commercial connections to the mundane realities of bourgeois westernism with the idiosyncratic and arbitrary willfulness to explore the deeper dimensions of emotional suppression and compromise. (He hates rich socialites but won’t go so far as to refuse to sell them an interesting piece for their den or foyer.) When it is applied to Ne, however, our statement takes a slightly different shading, and what we do actually mean is that the artist is certifiably insane.
Of course we would never actually say this, for fearing to appear out of touch with the contemporary mediums of artistic expression. (i.e. Even if we knew nothing of art, it would be the height of idiocy to admit it except when caught at home watching Nascar with a six-pack of Coors Light.) But the truth remains. I must confess that Ni Ne’s background is some-thing of a mystery. No one knows his age either. What I might be discussing here is a difficult child. All I have to go on is an interview purportedly conducted with his parents in a New York Chinatown restaurant. It appears in the exhibition catalogue opposite a picture of Ni standing behind 600 layers of Saran Wrap.
Portrait of the Artist As A Madman – Interview #611
Interviewer: Can you tell me where Ni went to school?
Wi Ne: We teach him here in shop. He made best Woo-Soo duck in Chinatown.
Interviewer: No–I mean did he learn to paint, and to sculpt?
Wi Ne: You sure he not in trouble with cops?
Interviewer: No, no, no. Where did he learn about art?
Wi Ne: Oh he know zippy about art. He pretty good with knife and wok, though. We still get many calls for his Sweet-or-Sour Pig.
Interviewer: How old is Ni?
Wi Ne: Well…Let’s see…I forget.
Interviewer: How old are you, then?
Wi Ne: Well…Let’s see. His mother there is…
Fi Ne: Don’t you dare!
Interviewer: Did you know that your son is having a one man exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum of Art next month?
Wi Ne: That fine with us…and you tell him so. As long as he don’t strain himself, huh?
When questioned, the museum director could offer me no other reason for the presence of Ni’s work there than that the selection committee had flown to Honolulu for “remedial inspiration” classes, and that in the interim had left the upcoming exhibit schedules in the capable hands of his secretary. Joining the said secretary on her coffee break, I attempted at some length to discuss her relationship with Ne, but all I could get out of her was that Ni was “nice” although she admitted having a thing for Thai Kick Boxing and Street-Fried Chicken smothered in soy sauce.
“I never got a look at him, it was always so dark,” she explained. “But he always said the most original things, like lets go roll around in some original recipe. He was such a good kisser, too. Are you suggesting my letting him have a studio to work in at night was a mistake?”
The answer to this question is obvious, as we shall see.
“THE DEAD AND THE DYING”
To enter the Ne gallery, one must first push aside several hanging figures of Nazi war criminals in various stages of decomposition. In this exhibit Ne seems to be saying that “payday is not always on Friday”. Such would explain the inclusion of Hitler as an old man, still clutching a piece of fishing net and a mini-skirt, a gift from his son.
When we say “this artist is difficult” we sometimes mean that he lacks style in the classical sense (ie he doesn’t waste money on picture frames, pedestals or ties to wear to museum parties).
“RHAPSODY IN RED” Here are the video-taped highlights of a dozen fires and volcanic eruptions, including William F. Buckley’s discussion of the national deficit. At first I thought I’d wandered into Sears TV department, because of the salesman standing there. But when he said, “Can I interest you in LIFE or PROPERTY? i reevaluated my assessment, and decided he must’ work for Allstate. As it turned out neither hunch was correct and I knew it when I shook his latex hand. This marks the point at which I first thought Ne was ridiculing my sanity. “IT’S A SMALL WORLD
AFTER ALL” This is an example of “maximal” as opposed to “minimal” art. Demanding participation (not just contemplation), the exhibit requires that one get down on his hands and knees and crawl through a welded steel cylinder. As one gets closer to the end, the cylinder gets smaller and begins to spin. Crawling frantically out the other end, you are confronted by a convex mirror which makes you appear two feet tall. I have no idea what this all means, but suspect it has something to do with Ne’s disdain for critics in general, and the world at large. “TWO PEOPLE ARGUING” This piece illustrates a typical domestic scene: a husband and wife in a squabble over finances. He appears to be throwing a calculator at her while she reads from the novel “The Moneychangers”. With articulate and chilling detachment, Ne has placed a third–and sexless–figurine in one corner with a gun. “STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN” At the top of this escalator is a sign with fine print reading “NOW WHAT?” Beside the sign is a wok and a cookbook.
With articulate and chilling detachment,
Ne has placed a third sexless figurine in one corner with a gun.
“PRETERHUMANS” Here Ne has assembled the photos of many con-temporary rock stars in the hope that aliens visiting from the socially discriminating planet of Wackonia might feel guilty about having stranded them here. “CONSCIENCE, THE FEAR OF BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO, DEPENDENCE, APATHY & TOTAL RESIGNATION” An elaborate title to describe a dummy, in the act of punching out a time clock.
“THE MIND; A SELF PORTRAIT” Here, in what appears to be a subterranean environment, Ne has placed a trapezoidal collection of mirror fragments hanging and turning on piano-wire filaments. Below, shaped in crude replica from the death masks of great composers, philosophers, and statesmen are piles of heads made of iridescent yellow wax. One head–that of Nietzsche–has pale green neon eyes, and is smoking a cigarette. The sign below it reads, rather unpretentiously: FOR THE DEN OR FOYER “REVENGE IX” Skipping nos. (perhaps they were too sanely conventional?) Ni Ne (Nine?) has one figurine (resembling a famous film critic) tied to the ceiling by his toes. Another figurine (discreetly concealed behind 600 layers of Saran Wrap) appears to be trying to start a chain saw. Through a cutaway in the wall, one can see into the next room where a gathering of Chinese sit eating Ken-tucky Fried Chicken while watching “Kung Fu Rodeo”.
Footnote: After further contemplation and interpretation of the inherent symbolic content of this show, I an: recommending it highly, and wish to congratulate the museum for its foresight in bringing a new and original talent into the limelight.
