All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Police Report
With Marcella DesPlants
The shame of Colorado’s Western Slope — October 26, 2014
Delta Police arrested Enselmo DesPlants Friday evening after he was thrown out of the same bar 16 times, between 10 pm and close. This is believed to be the amateur record, a feat that meant little to the judge who ruled that DesPlants stay home and spend more time with his livestock. DesPlants spent time in jail three years ago for painting mustaches on political campaign posters without artistic license. The judge in that case ordered that he repaint all of the billboards in question despite his alarming lack of artistic talent.
Ronald DesPlants was taken into custody by officers in Olathe on Saturday night after he was caught with his hand stuck in a newspaper vending machine outside Big Butt Matty’s Andouille Parlor. When police arrived DesPlants was on his knees in tears. When questioned he insisted that he was just warming his hands and needed the money for dog food although he does not host a canine. He was charged with attempted petty theft and plead not guilty to all charges current and impending. Moments later he was charged with bribery after inviting two investigative officers to lunch at Red’s Gravy Heaven if they’d simply forget the infraction.
Amanda DesPlants, 68, was picked up near City Hall in Montrose and charged with littering, criminal trespass and drunk driving after police observed her going through bags of leaves on a neighborhood curb, cutting some, loudly cursing passersby as she sank deeper and deeper into the leafy mess. She is also up on charges of dog-at-large violations although her attorney insists that the dogs were in fact her dimwitted and foul-mouthed son, Duke. She is expected to plead not guilty by reason of insanity.
Police, following a telephone tip, arrived at 21 Bluecheese Parkway Sunday morning only to observe Impie DesPlants busily banging away at his laptop. Who’s On First National Bank has pressed charges against the robust 15-year-old, alleging that DesPlants hacked into the bank’s sophisticated computer network and calmly transferred over $90,000, which he funneled into his personal account. While on premises, Delta County deputies broke up a lingering fistfight between the lad’s parents, Ronald and Elsie DesPlants that reportedly started over what television program the couple would watch next Wednesday night.
Fresh from serving 30 days for menacing a variety of garden vegetables, Muriel DesPlants was cited and fined $50 for entering a thermal spa fully clothed. Charged with trespassing and public nuisance raps DesPlants threatened to move her doublewide to Hermosa. The next morning an estimated 80 Silverton residents showed up to help her relocate. She is currently broke down at Molas Lake and awaiting a preliminary hearing.
Convicted Peeping Tom, Anwar DesPlants was forcibly removed from an apartment in Anciano Towers yesterday. DesPlants had been squatting in an unfurnished rooftop unit since 1989. He often supplemented his income by breaking into ski houses, redecorating them on the sly and then extracting payment for the unsolicited service from whatever was left in drawers, safes and under mattresses. If convicted on these alleged intrusions DesPlants could serve up to five years in a local feedlot.
TODAY IN HISTORY
Today in history-1987: Ex-UN chief Kurt Waldheim ended his World War II medical association with the late Dr. Joseph Mengle, saying he had only translated Yiddish medical journals and answered the phone occasionally. In response to accusations that he was an officer in the SS during that conflict, Waldheim said he only translated Prussian battlefield conversations and answered the phone occasionally.
Today in history 1934: Robber Baron American business tycoons began withholding 10% of their worker’s pay so to allow them to better acclimate to the controversial Social Security System, about to be implemented. The vest and cigar boys then claimed the money would be spent renovating the Statute of Limitations, an Off-Shore Banking Operation, located an an undisclosed spot in New York Harbor.
“Not watching at least 45 complete baseball games during the summer is not only anti-American, it’s borderline treason.” – Pete Rose
Good Advice
Special to the San Juan Horseshoe by Rev. Phillip Pharisee, Sept. 25, 2014
Hello friends and special patrons. Welcome to Cousin Phil’s Sanctimonious Salvation Parlor and Halfway Lunch Counter.
We are pleased to see that so many of you negotiated the little windshield flyers and found us in the right strip mall so “Come on in for a cup of java and a rap at the hip quick-way-to-paradise church and progressive pyramid accounting temple.
But never you mind the details. We’ll take care of everything whether it’s your eternal soul or the souls of those worn out penny loafers.
Today I’d like to remind the faithful that we must honor and protect His gifts that I am bestowing on the deserving among you. We must be in awe of His universe and not take these wonderful handouts for granted. The entire Creation is yours to enjoy at the top of the pecking order. The pagans and the other species can have what is left when you are done with it.
Now, friends have asked: “Rev. Pharisee, how can I protect the vast universe when I can’t even it?”
The answers to that and a lot of other pertinent questions about faith and hope can be answered in my newest self-published paperback “The Heathen and Heaven” where I lay it down so that anyone can grasp the keen relationships between God and man. It can be purchased right along with your lunch today.
We all spend far too much time chasing the almighty dollar when we should be chasing the Almighty Himself. We ignore His gifts and place them as secondary in our unbalanced set of priorities. A blade of grass for instance…Have you ever really looked closely at one? It is perfectly proportioned. Did it come from a monkey too? Certainly not! Only He and His wisdom could offer this fine congregation something on such a grand scale. It’s a virtual miracle.
And yet everything we see before us has been created in this loving manner. Every leaf, every cloud, every little baby duckling is so very perfect that it boggles the imagination. But once again, what does man do with these blessings and this wondrous heritage? He wastes and squanders it beyond measure. Without stopping to marvel he destroys and shatters our potential paradise on earth.
THIS MUST STOP IMMEDIATLEY!
If you do not stop your idolatrous ways, reject the devil, go away from sin and begin sincere repentance I WILL KILL YOU!
And that’s about it for today, friends and sweet congregation. So go out and spread the good news. You’ll be rich beyond anything we can imagine. And speaking of rich the chapel needs new curtains and my Mercedes needs new tires and a convertible top. You know where the collection plates are located and I am watching who does what. Bless you and enjoy your Salisbury steak and instant mashed potatoes.
NEXT MONTH: “TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND THE WAGES OF SIN”
Local Station Reporting Bogus Baseball Scores
(Montrose, CO San Juan Horseshoe September 25, 2014) A Bland Valley television station is under FCC investigation due to allegations that sportscasters there knowingly reported worn out or invalid baseball scores, a federal offense.
The accusations come from an assortment of sources and are substantiated by three years of Federal Communications Commission investigations according to unreliable sources at home plate.
No motive has been established regarding the inaccuracies while the systematic coverage reeks of more than incompetence.
Purposely reporting false or even late baseball scores is also illegal in most states. A coalition of gov’ment agents is expected tonight in quick strike response to suspected tampering with the national pastime.
“We have reason to conclude that there has been wrongdoing for many years,” said Big “Tiny” Medio, a visiting DA from Green River, Utah. “We just have to prove intent to willfully commit a falsehood. This isn’t just about Colorado. There are baseball fans all over these mountains just trying to catch the scores. Misjudging a fly ball or taking a third strike is bad enough but lying about baseball is downright repulsive.
“We must stop these talking heads before they affect other sports. We wouldn’t want to good name of the NFL or the NBA to be tarnished,” he gestured.
Unconfirmed sources told The Horseshoe that the scandal does not end with bad sports reporting citing an indictment against the station for making up the weather and viciously misleading motorists since 1978.
– Roger Rightfields
“Baseball is what we were. Football is what we’ve become.”
– Pee Wee Biggs
Lucky Summer Fun
(From “Please Don’t Slam the Tent Door and Other Tails”)
Pet Seminar Slated
Colorado Butane Society presents “It is a privilege to have a pet”, a seminar for irresponsible dog and cat owners. Ongoing. Every Tuesday night at the Little Chef Ballroom. Latest statistics indicate that Western Colorado dogs are among the 1% affluent canines group. Stats for cats were not available because none of the target felines returned the questionnaires.
Ouray on Gold Mine
Ouray is full of guano and thermal water. Guano can be mined and the water tapped. Why must we continue to pander to the Tourists from Mars in the summer? Why does Lake Ouray continually refuse to welcome major cruise lines? Why are the parking spaces on Main Street so damn skinny? Did one of our clever bureaucrats shrink them? Does he or she know something we don’t know about optimum use? Just remember the guano part.
Woodsman Eludes Forest Service for 67 Years
An unidentified man has come out of the forest after surviving there since 1947 on berries, nuts and an occasional squirrel. He entered the woods, at 23 to get away from society following the Second World War. Generally on the run from predators, real and imagined, the pine hermit grew hair all over his body and developed sharp teeth and claws with which to climb trees for food and safety. Why he chose this particular time to leave the woods is anyone’s guess since he appears cognizant and his health is excellent. Meanwhile in Manana, Colorado Division of Wildlife officials are trying to determine if the longtime recluse poached any game, left unattended fires or littered during his jungle tenure. The Civil Liabilities Union has promised to look into these accusations if they reach that status. The United States Forest Service is expected to seek retroactive fines.
Animals on the Move, Hungry Enough
Bear and lions are prowling about this time of the year. The bear are trying to gain weight so as to lie around on the couch until April while the lions are watching for an easy meal. That includes humans who do not respect nature and don’t quite grasp the food chain or pecker order in the Rockies. Joggers and bicyclists often resemble fleeing prey to a hungry cougar. Bears can smell your camp food all the way from Canada even if you cook it inside your camper or limit the culinary experience to a can of beans. In addition to the aroused appetites, both of these species are playing musical chairs with the limited cave and den space around these mountains, and that makes them cranky. – Uncle Pahgre
