Police Report

With Marcella DesPlants
The shame of Colorado’s Western Slope — October 26, 2014

Delta Police arrested Enselmo DesPlants Friday evening after he was thrown out of the same bar 16 times, between 10 pm and close. This is believed to be the amateur record, a feat that meant little to the judge who ruled that DesPlants stay home and spend more time with his livestock. DesPlants spent time in jail three years ago for painting mustaches on political campaign posters without artistic license. The judge in that case ordered that he repaint all of the billboards in question despite his alarming lack of artistic talent.

Ronald DesPlants was taken into custody by officers in Olathe on Saturday night after he was caught with his hand stuck in a newspaper vending machine outside Big Butt Matty’s Andouille Parlor. When police arrived DesPlants was on his knees in tears. When questioned he insisted that he was just warming his hands and needed the money for dog food although he does not host a canine. He was charged with attempted petty theft and plead not guilty to all charges current and impending. Moments later he was charged with bribery after inviting two investigative officers to lunch at Red’s Gravy Heaven if they’d simply forget the infraction.

Amanda DesPlants, 68, was picked up near City Hall in Montrose and charged with littering, criminal trespass and drunk driving after police observed her going through bags of leaves on a neighborhood curb, cutting some, loudly cursing passersby as she sank deeper and deeper into the leafy mess. She is also up on charges of dog-at-large violations although her attorney insists that the dogs were in fact her dimwitted and foul-mouthed son, Duke. She is expected to plead not guilty by reason of insanity.

Police, following a telephone tip, arrived at 21 Bluecheese Parkway Sunday morning only to observe Impie DesPlants busily banging away at his laptop. Who’s On First National Bank has pressed charges against the robust 15-year-old, alleging that DesPlants hacked into the bank’s sophisticated computer network and calmly transferred over $90,000, which he funneled into his personal account. While on premises, Delta County deputies broke up a lingering fistfight between the lad’s parents, Ronald and Elsie DesPlants that reportedly started over what television program the couple would watch next Wednesday night.

Fresh from serving 30 days for menacing a variety of garden vegetables, Muriel DesPlants was cited and fined $50 for entering a thermal spa fully clothed. Charged with trespassing and public nuisance raps DesPlants threatened to move her doublewide to Hermosa. The next morning an estimated 80 Silverton residents showed up to help her relocate. She is currently broke down at Molas Lake and awaiting a preliminary hearing.

Convicted Peeping Tom, Anwar DesPlants was forcibly removed from an apartment in Anciano Towers yesterday. DesPlants had been squatting in an unfurnished rooftop unit since 1989. He often supplemented his income by breaking into ski houses, redecorating them on the sly and then extracting payment for the unsolicited service from whatever was left in drawers, safes and under mattresses. If convicted on these alleged intrusions DesPlants could serve up to five years in a local feedlot.