All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
US Constitution to Appear on Talk Show Circuit
(El Lay) The United States Constitution, with its sidekick the Bill of Rights, will appear on a host of television and radio talk shows in an attempt to remind Americans of its continuing saga and surprising survival after over two centuries of coordinated attacks by government and corporate interests.
Promoters of the tour de resistance say the exposure will insure that the document is not entirely discarded by these control groups in the immediate future. The Constitution, which guarantees almost all the basic rights enjoyed by Americans, will appear on a plethora of night shows on July 25 and the following afternoon. It will travel to the Conan O’Brien Show on July 30 and pay a quick visit to the Jimmy Kimmel program on July 31.
Constitutionalists from all walks of life fear that the archive is in jeopardy due to the same-old-song of Presidential candidates and a right-of-center Supreme Quart which has grown hostile to individual rights. Many expect the exposure to fare well for the documents even though the television audiences would probably prefer to see a pretentious actress in a short skirt or a bumbling sportsman with gold chains and a winning smile.
“We may see the Constitution chat with Ellen DeGeneres, Maury Povich and even Jerry Springer if that’s what it takes to get the point across,” said Melvin Toole, of the Liberty Coalition which is staffed by bored liberals with nothing much to do.
Toole, himself of daily constitutionals, boasts a proud history in matters of innovative speculation, his great-great grandfather having been invited to sign the Declaration of Independence back in 1776. Sadly the elder Toole was preoccupied with boozing, gambling and illicit women and missed the meeting at which the pronouncement was inked. Citing “irreconcilable circumstances” he then asked that the entire signing be restaged (so as to include him) only to be angrily shouted down by more polished members of the standing gallery.
“The old fellow did manage to autograph a tattered scorecard during the Whiskey Insurrection of 1794,” said Toole. “Later in 1804 he signed the much maligned Victoria Regina Ordinance which paved the way for French Canadians to compete in intercollegiate athletics.”
Joining the Constitution and the (Just call me) Bill of Rights on the talk shows will be the Code of Hammurabi, The Indian Vedas, The Torah Combo and the Magna Carta Dancers.
− H. L. Menoken
Crested Butte Stamp to Honor Coal Miners
Residents of this high country town will have a chance to reflect on pioneer history next week when a new stamp recognizing the contributions of the coal mining era is set to be released. First Day of Issue souvenirs will be available at the post office on Elk Avenue that afternoon.
The stamp, issued in a 60-cent denomination features a black lump of coal against a solid black background.
“It looks like a square from a checkerboard, only smaller, or an ink splotch left to dry,” said one man in already anxious to procure the stamp. “It’s a little too black but I guess that’s the symbolism of it all, or maybe it’s abstract art, a glimpse of our night sky minus the stars.”
Critics say the stamp is surely to be misunderstood by much of the populace which often cannot distinguish between black and white. They say wildflowers or mountain bikes would have been better.
Another stamp design depicting the early days of skiing is in the works as well. The completely white piece features a close-up photograph of snow taken in January. Created to offset the solid black stamp, it too will hold a value of 45 cents.
In 1877 troops loyal to Parlin warlord Lloyd Woodrose Harlan discovered the East River Valley and immediately began constructing a ski area. Hours later, while digging for lift poles they discovered massive beds of anthracite and bituminous coal. Giving up his plans of conquest Harlan ordered his army to dig several drift tunnels and retired to the bar for the remainder of the afternoon. Later his rightful heir Beau the Simple discovered snowmaking and the reality, that notably many of us now enjoy, emerged.
Postal officials hope that funds collected for these stamps help bail them out at least until next month. Public input on these developments is not particularly welcome.
− Sherry Creeke
Horseshoe seeking verbs, adjectives
(Mañana) The San Juan Horseshoe, the only known virtual reality publication still in existence, has begun its annual drive to acquire new verbs and adjectives, as well as a few good participles before the trade deadline of March 15. Unlike last year adjectives should demand the highest market prices followed by dangling participles, multi-syllable verbs and proper nouns. Common nouns, articles and adverbs have flooded the market causing a glut and subsequently lower prices. They are not expected to draw much attention due to their perishable nature and chronic misuse.
Persons wishing to procure any of the aforementioned articles of speech should do so in compliance with existing sentence structure and the laws of grammar and good taste. All prospective verbs and adjectives are over 21 and have a clean criminal record. Some have experience while others are illiterate and must be formatted before use.
Stationary self-motivation revolving butt kicker accessory
Self-motivation whirling gadgets make great presents and conversation pieces throughout the year. Act now. They are going fast. Republican and Democrat models slightly more.
Fumar cigarros no es un pasatiempo
(Moline) La práctica o el hábito de fumar cigarros no merece el estatus de pasatiempo según el Consorcio de Entretenimiento Marginal y Diversión de América del Norte aquí. El comité, integrado por personas sin nada más que hacer en todo el día, revocó una decisión anterior tomada en marzo y reportada por este diario.
Durante una reunión cargada de emociones, varios defensores de fumar cigarros se encendieron y luego salieron furiosos del salón.
La votación final de 5-0 se negó a reconocer el tabaquismo como un pasatiempo legítimo. En una acción posterior, el grupo dio un giro brusco sobre el estado de la filatelia, que también se consideró egoísta y perezoso hace casi tres meses.
“No hay nada obsceno en colocar sellos en un álbum de recortes y luego olvidarse de ellos”, dijo el grupo. “Es la vigilancia constante y los métodos de adquisición lo que preocupa al organismo calificador
Como era de esperar, el anuncio eludió los comentarios sobre el uso de pegamento para aviones en lugares cerrados y el cultivo de hierbas peligrosas. No se espera una dura respuesta por parte de los cigarros y la Hermandad Nacional de Humidores hasta finales de esta semana.
– Bess Boca Pequeña
IN THE SNOOZE…
Gates runs through water like water
(Seattle) Bill Gates’ Lake Washington mansion here used 4.7 million gallons of water last year, enough to one flush by every one of Seattle Public Utilities’ 1.3 million customers. A spokesman for the Microsoft billionaire said Gates expressed surprise and promised to be more conservative this year.
In drought-ridden Seattle the Gates mansion boasts a 60-foot swimming pool, a sauna and indoor-outdoor spa. His actual bill for water in 2000 was $24,828. Groundskeepers say they suspect that most of the scarce commodity went for irrigation and a heating/cooling system.
“At least he doesn’t have tropical fish,” said a public utilities employee. “If they just cut back 10 percent it would supply water to six homes in the area.”
Graffiti painter killed by train
Special from the AP
(New York) A 29-year-old man spray painting graffiti on the inside of a Brooklyn subway tunnel apparently was struck and killed by a train early Saturday, police said. At least three trains may have passed over the man’s body, they added.
The man, Hector Ramirez, was found dead at 7 am on the track in the southbound tunnel on the F and G lines a short distance from the Bergen Street Station.
Drug gets up the nose of sleeping policeman
Special from the London Daily Telegraph
A police officer has won more than $12,000 payout after exposure to cannabis plants left him with a chronic snore which affected his relationship with his wife.
Detective Inspector Brian Baker’s nose was permanently damaged by the dust from plants after he spent four days in a police drug storeroom. He was cataloguing drugs in a walk-in safe as insists the plants were not dried properly exposing him to fumes. He experienced breathing problems shortly afterwards.
His statement of claim said: “He suffers from nasal congestion and sniffing together with a whistle of his nose, snoring and some diminution of his sense of smell. His snoring causes matrimonial disharmony.”
Baker claimed that he should have been issued protective clothing and that the cannabis should have been kept in sealed containers. He will reportedly spend the money on a holiday in Newcastle.
Pirate Treasure Nets Expected Booty
(Crete) A wreck laden with what was thought to be a maharajah’s treasure came up a bit short with an Irish salvage team finding only eye patches. The ship had been boarded then sunk by marauding pirates in 1837.
It has never been clear where the $40 million in gold ended up but this discovery indicates that the pirates may have buried it nearby. A second team of divers is expected to attempt to reach further cargo for a London insurance company later this month.
The vessel is thought to have been carrying treasure belonging to Sir Jagarit Singh, Maharajah of Kapurthala who was sending it to his harem in Punjab. The ship sank in 10,000 feet of water making a complete salvage unlikely.
Tree falls, hurts 29 at Disneyland
(Anaslime, CA) A giant tree toppled over at Disneyland Friday injuring a host of visitors and several employees. No one was seriously injured when the tree fell in Frontierland landing first on a food wagon.
Insiders refused to comment on the accident saying that the tree, like the acres of orange groves mowed down to build the theme park’s many parking lots, should have been cut down decades ago.
Unreliable sources here were quick to point the finger in the direction of certain disenfranchised cartoon characters who prowl the grounds at will often menacing visitors and sometimes even extorting money.
Incidents of violence are on the rise as summer approaches and cartoon characters in Southern California continue to overpopulate themselves. Most are hostile to family planning. Police plan a full investigation
“If one continues to talk around enough people someone is bound to write it down in some oblivious anthology which will then be stashed away in some lice-infested cellar beyond the furnace of literary pursuit.”
– from Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings by Conor Sturgeon, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
A mess of elk up on Kinikin
Loafing elk above Montrose, October 2022
Supervivientes como Elkton
(Crested Butte) Un grupo de supervivencia ha incluido a la comunidad de Elkton en su lista de las diez ciudades más habitables de Estados Unidos según Assault Life, una publicación de culto del norte de Idaho. Elkton recibió su nombre debido a su clima agradable, su composición étnica, la accesibilidad en el invierno y la proximidad a una importante zona de esquí del tercer mundo.
Los pueblos no califican para este honor porque apoyen a un grupo sobre otro o porque hayan expresado afición por alguna orientación política o social. Se enumeran así debido a su potencial previsto para sobrellevar una crisis militar. El almacenamiento de alimentos y armas, así como la privacidad para llevar a cabo los asuntos de defensa, también fueron consideraciones importantes en la votación.
El grupo que se hacía llamar The Lighter Shade of Pale Brotherhood clasificó a Elkton, ubicada a unas siete millas al norte de aquí, en Washington Gulch, como el número tres en su registro anual. Superando a Elkton estaban Deadhorse, Alaska (primero) y Ouelette, Maine (segundo). Otras comunidades que recibieron reconocimiento entre los cinco primeros fueron Grand Isle, Louisiana; Rexford, Montana y Orkney, Saskatchewan, ya que la membresía de Pale Brotherhood deja mucho que desear en los campos de las matemáticas y la geografía.
-Margot Rotweiler
