US Constitution to Appear on Talk Show Circuit

(El Lay) The United States Constitution, with its sidekick the Bill of Rights, will appear on a host of television and radio talk shows in an attempt to remind Americans of its continuing saga and surprising survival after over two centuries of coordinated attacks by government and corporate interests. 

     Promoters of the tour de resistance say the exposure will insure that the document is not entirely discarded by these control groups in the immediate future. The Constitution, which guarantees almost all the basic rights enjoyed by Americans, will appear on a plethora of night shows on July 25 and the following afternoon. It will travel to the Conan O’Brien Show on July 30 and pay a quick visit to the Jimmy Kimmel program on July 31.

     Constitutionalists from all walks of life fear that the archive is in jeopardy due to the same-old-song of Presidential candidates and a right-of-center Supreme Quart which has grown hostile to individual rights. Many expect the exposure to fare well for the documents even though the television audiences would probably prefer to see a pretentious actress in a short skirt or a bumbling sportsman with gold chains and a winning smile.

     “We may see the Constitution chat with Ellen DeGeneres, Maury Povich and even Jerry Springer if that’s what it takes to get the point across,” said Melvin Toole, of the Liberty Coalition which is staffed by bored liberals with nothing much to do.

     Toole, himself of daily constitutionals, boasts a proud history in matters of innovative speculation, his great-great grandfather having been invited to sign the Declaration of Independence back in 1776. Sadly the elder Toole was preoccupied with boozing, gambling and illicit women and missed the meeting at which the pronouncement was inked. Citing “irreconcilable circumstances” he then asked that the entire signing be restaged (so as to include him) only to be angrily shouted down by more polished members of the standing gallery.  

     “The old fellow did manage to autograph a tattered scorecard during the Whiskey Insurrection of 1794,” said Toole. “Later in 1804 he signed the much maligned Victoria Regina Ordinance which paved the way for French Canadians to compete in intercollegiate athletics.”

     Joining the Constitution and the (Just call me) Bill of Rights on the talk shows will be the Code of Hammurabi, The Indian Vedas, The Torah Combo and the Magna Carta Dancers.  

H. L. Menoken

Crested Butte Stamp to Honor Coal Miners

     Residents of this high country town will have a chance to reflect on pioneer history next week when a new stamp recognizing the contributions of the coal mining era is set to be released. First Day of Issue souvenirs will be available at the post office on Elk Avenue that afternoon.

     The stamp, issued in a 60-cent denomination features a black lump of coal against a solid black background.

     “It looks like a square from a checkerboard, only smaller, or an ink splotch left to dry,” said one man in already anxious to procure the stamp. “It’s a little too black but I guess that’s the symbolism of it all, or maybe it’s abstract art, a glimpse of our night sky minus the stars.”

     Critics say the stamp is surely to be misunderstood by much of the populace which often cannot distinguish between black and white. They say wildflowers or mountain bikes would have been better.

     Another stamp design depicting the early days of skiing is in the works as well. The completely white piece features a close-up photograph of snow taken in January. Created to offset the solid black stamp, it too will hold a value of 45 cents.

     In 1877 troops loyal to Parlin warlord Lloyd Woodrose Harlan discovered the East River Valley and immediately began constructing a ski area. Hours later, while digging for lift poles they discovered massive beds of anthracite and bituminous coal. Giving up his plans of conquest Harlan ordered his army to dig several drift tunnels and retired to the bar for the remainder of the afternoon. Later his rightful heir Beau the Simple discovered snowmaking and the reality, that notably many of us now enjoy, emerged.

     Postal officials hope that funds collected for these stamps help bail them out at least until next month. Public input on these developments is not particularly welcome.

Sherry Creeke

Horseshoe seeking verbs, adjectives

(Mañana) The San Juan Horseshoe, the only known virtual reality publication still in existence, has begun its annual drive to acquire new verbs and adjectives, as well as a few good participles before the trade deadline of March 15. Unlike last year adjectives should demand the highest market prices followed by dangling participles, multi-syllable verbs and proper nouns. Common nouns, articles and adverbs have flooded the market causing a glut and subsequently lower prices. They are not expected to draw much attention due to their perishable nature and chronic misuse.

     Persons wishing to procure any of the aforementioned articles of speech should do so in compliance with existing sentence structure and the laws of grammar and good taste. All prospective verbs and adjectives are over 21 and have a clean criminal record. Some have experience while others are illiterate and must be formatted before use.  

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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