All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Vagrant Strike Brings Denver Area To Its Knees
The Denver metro area is faltering in the second week of a strike called by vagrants and panhandlers. Busy intersections throughout the city are besieged by derelicts holding signs saying such things as “panhandler on strike,” “will not work for food,” or Viet vet now housed, please don’t help out.” Denver leaders have called the strike “the worst crisis for this city since Arenado left.”
Both Denver and Bpulder are reeling with concerns that the strike will expand to include the entire Confront Range before spring.
Boulder mayor Antonne Sockette called the begging stoppage “devastating to the Pearl Street Mall and the biggest threat to the diverse fabric of our community since the demise of Tom’s Tavern.”
Liquor stores and bars in the underbelly metro area are particularly hard hit and are requesting federal disaster funding.
Spokesmen for the striking vagrants explain the strike was called by local 22565 of the Amalgamated Vagrants International Union after panhandlers became disgusted with the meager amount of handouts being collected in the Denver area. Said one panhandler, “I can stand all afternoon at a busy interchange and only collect $50. Hell, for that kind of money I would be just as well off working.”
Another vagrant explained, “It’s no picnic standing out in all types of weather holding that stupid sign. People obviously don’t appreciate the lengths we go to to make them feel better.”
Meanwhile federal arbitrators are negotiating with commuter representatives in an effort to avoid the regimen of mandatory handouts for beggars demanded by the union With no settlement on the horizon its looking like a long, hot autumn in Denver.
East Colfax Added to Wolf Reintroduction Locales
Projected wolf reintroduction deployment regions include wilderness around Aspen, Gunnison, Montrose, Glenwood Springs and now East Colfax Avenue said a spokesperson for the Colorado Division of Wildlife this morning.
Early projections suggest the expansion is in response to voter behavior a few years back where Front Range residents voted to reintroduce wolves and the smaller population on the Western Slope voted against the plan.
“It’s all rather absurd when one considers that the wolves will be dropped on the westside,” said an architect of the East Colfax experiment.
DOW officials would not comment when asked if there were not packs of wolves already living west of the Continental Divide. Scientists say the animals have a far reaching orbit and that they will drift into New Mexico and Wyoming as well as the Beehive State (Utah).
“None appear to have maps or GPS and travel on instinct and because they can,” said one zoologist.
The reintroduction is part of a combined effort with a Colorado Department of Transportation strategy to release of thousands of skunks on Highway 550 before spring. 
“The presence of so many skunks should cut down on the traffic,” said an asphalt bureaucrat digesting a work order on his computer in Denver. “It’s cheaper than bringing the highway up to modern standards.
The artery, often called I-550 by commuters, has become quite dangerous even without considering weather and migrating animals. CDOT has built more than 60 miles of guardrails from south from Montrose. Are they meant to be a preventative or simply quick clean up? No one knows.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Santa Claus Canadian
(Ottowa) The red-clad warrior of Christmas has admitted his Canadian ancestry today much to the dismay of millions of fans south of the border in the United States. Humbug.
“We are stunned,” said a spokesman for retailers here. “Why would he mislead us? Why would he impersonate himself in such a cruel way? He should be punished!”
For centuries Santa Claus was considered to be a product of the U.S. since his trademark image was created by people like Thomas Nast, Clarence Horning, Frank Leslie and Winslow Homer. Despite these presumptions, the elf’s continued insistence that he reside at the brutal North Pole and his long association with Canada should have indicated a rat.
“People would prefer to gloss over the reality of a situation rather than consider all the possibilities,” said social scientist Margaret Swede of Cal Polygamy, a visiting scholar here. “Why do they think the Canadian kids always got their presents first? He’s been a rabid fan of the Maple Leafs since the first power play. He even goes to Bluejay games. That in itself shows substantial instability.”
What this disclosure will do to Christmas down in the colonies is not known but former Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has bravely offered to fill in until a new Santa is appointed, or the old one is exonerated.
“Santa has mislead us for too long,” continued Swede. “Even liberal academia will be slow to forgive him for this ruthless act.”
As an acting Canadian, Santa is also a subject of the crown (Britain) which may not go down well in Fenian circles.
“His mother was a Murphy,” added Swede, “ahh, but don’t they forget the ould sod when they make a few quid across the sea.”
After the holidays the United States will consider economic sanctions against the Commonwealth of Canada for harboring the bearded fraud. – Suzie Compost
GOP Opts Out of Climate
(What we think you need to know and will go to what many would see as extreme lengths to shove our ideas and opinions down your throat in a righteous fit of dismissal, disguised as the bettering of man.)
Supreme Quart confirms Know Nothing
commitment to saving the planet.
What They’re Saying Uptown….
“Too expensive, will kill jobs and it’s communist”, said one representative.
“Why would we pump money into something we can’t even see? Have you ever really seen an environment? It’s just more liberal propaganda,” he coughed. “Trying to tie the hands of business.”
“The country that has made the biggest mess and should be leading the effort clean up the planet has vamoosed” – Lorna Doom.
“Republicans have given global warming a limo ride into town all right, said one speech making Democrat who has as yet failed to get off his ass.
“The GOP has wasted precious time bungling, stalling and stuffing its pockets while the planet bakes. We see them every day in the chamber engaged in fake prayer. Their god is power and the gold that it brings,” she sputtered.
In other revolving action the SQ voted unanimously that White Privilege does not extend to vodka but that certain rums may be examined on a distinct basis. Moments later the judicial body voted 5-3 (with one abstention) that there was no such thing as White Privilege in the country.
“It’s really quite laughable: How can people base their entire orientation and in some cases their very existence based on something you can’t even see,” commented one POX News anchor.
-Gabby Haze
US Constitution to Appear on Talk Show Circuit
(El Lay) The United States Constitution, with its sidekick the Bill of Rights, will appear on a host of television and radio talk shows in an attempt to remind Americans of its continuing saga and surprising survival after over two centuries of coordinated attacks by government and corporate interests.
Promoters of the tour de resistance say the exposure will insure that the document is not entirely discarded by these control groups in the immediate future. The Constitution, which guarantees almost all the basic rights enjoyed by Americans, will appear on a plethora of night shows on July 25 and the following afternoon. It will travel to the Conan O’Brien Show on July 30 and pay a quick visit to the Jimmy Kimmel program on July 31.
Constitutionalists from all walks of life fear that the archive is in jeopardy due to the same-old-song of Presidential candidates and a right-of-center Supreme Quart which has grown hostile to individual rights. Many expect the exposure to fare well for the documents even though the television audiences would probably prefer to see a pretentious actress in a short skirt or a bumbling sportsman with gold chains and a winning smile.
“We may see the Constitution chat with Ellen DeGeneres, Maury Povich and even Jerry Springer if that’s what it takes to get the point across,” said Melvin Toole, of the Liberty Coalition which is staffed by bored liberals with nothing much to do.
Toole, himself of daily constitutionals, boasts a proud history in matters of innovative speculation, his great-great grandfather having been invited to sign the Declaration of Independence back in 1776. Sadly the elder Toole was preoccupied with boozing, gambling and illicit women and missed the meeting at which the pronouncement was inked. Citing “irreconcilable circumstances” he then asked that the entire signing be restaged (so as to include him) only to be angrily shouted down by more polished members of the standing gallery.
“The old fellow did manage to autograph a tattered scorecard during the Whiskey Insurrection of 1794,” said Toole. “Later in 1804 he signed the much maligned Victoria Regina Ordinance which paved the way for French Canadians to compete in intercollegiate athletics.”
Joining the Constitution and the (Just call me) Bill of Rights on the talk shows will be the Code of Hammurabi, The Indian Vedas, The Torah Combo and the Magna Carta Dancers.
− H. L. Menoken
Crested Butte Stamp to Honor Coal Miners
Residents of this high country town will have a chance to reflect on pioneer history next week when a new stamp recognizing the contributions of the coal mining era is set to be released. First Day of Issue souvenirs will be available at the post office on Elk Avenue that afternoon.
The stamp, issued in a 60-cent denomination features a black lump of coal against a solid black background.
“It looks like a square from a checkerboard, only smaller, or an ink splotch left to dry,” said one man in already anxious to procure the stamp. “It’s a little too black but I guess that’s the symbolism of it all, or maybe it’s abstract art, a glimpse of our night sky minus the stars.”
Critics say the stamp is surely to be misunderstood by much of the populace which often cannot distinguish between black and white. They say wildflowers or mountain bikes would have been better.
Another stamp design depicting the early days of skiing is in the works as well. The completely white piece features a close-up photograph of snow taken in January. Created to offset the solid black stamp, it too will hold a value of 45 cents.
In 1877 troops loyal to Parlin warlord Lloyd Woodrose Harlan discovered the East River Valley and immediately began constructing a ski area. Hours later, while digging for lift poles they discovered massive beds of anthracite and bituminous coal. Giving up his plans of conquest Harlan ordered his army to dig several drift tunnels and retired to the bar for the remainder of the afternoon. Later his rightful heir Beau the Simple discovered snowmaking and the reality, that notably many of us now enjoy, emerged.
Postal officials hope that funds collected for these stamps help bail them out at least until next month. Public input on these developments is not particularly welcome.
− Sherry Creeke
Horseshoe seeking verbs, adjectives
(Mañana) The San Juan Horseshoe, the only known virtual reality publication still in existence, has begun its annual drive to acquire new verbs and adjectives, as well as a few good participles before the trade deadline of March 15. Unlike last year adjectives should demand the highest market prices followed by dangling participles, multi-syllable verbs and proper nouns. Common nouns, articles and adverbs have flooded the market causing a glut and subsequently lower prices. They are not expected to draw much attention due to their perishable nature and chronic misuse.
Persons wishing to procure any of the aforementioned articles of speech should do so in compliance with existing sentence structure and the laws of grammar and good taste. All prospective verbs and adjectives are over 21 and have a clean criminal record. Some have experience while others are illiterate and must be formatted before use.
Stationary self-motivation revolving butt kicker accessory
Self-motivation whirling gadgets make great presents and conversation pieces throughout the year. Act now. They are going fast. Republican and Democrat models slightly more.
