All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Free Mail Box Day in Ouray
(Dexter Creek Annex) September 31 has been dubbed Free Post Office Box Day in Ouray according to a spokesman for the post office here. The concept, aimed at educating the populace as to the proper and responsible use of an in-house mail reception box, does carry some restrictions.
Any resident of Ouray can apply for the gratis box in person between the hours of 8:30 and 4:40 daily and between 9 am and 11:30 am on Saturday. It is necessary to fill out an information form detailing personal data. Since there is no mail delivery in the city, people residing here are exempt from an annual fee. However, any current users must complete the said form on an annual basis or risk losing privileges. PS: Don’t forget your key.
Locally Composted Astrograph
If your birthday is today you have the right to remain solvent. Anything you say may be used against you in a quart of law. In addition, you have the right to your opinion. If you cannot afford such, one will be provided for you. Any quick movements such as reaching for your wallet to show ID, blinking your eyes and/or breathing may be construed as a threat to the arresting officers and you may be shot. Happy birthday and enjoy your freedoms.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Tin men and Scarecrows have the skinny on the subject of Cowardly Lions, but they are afraid to speak up. Spice up your life plan by driving over into the next county this weekend. Adventure awaits. Trust your instincts. With all those cows lounging around there’s no need to go hungry. Cattle rustling has entered the sacred realm of the dead language unless your blood alcohol level is over the limit. You may find yourself shocked by man’s inhumanity to lunch meat and processed cheeses. Get over it. Tonight: Starting malicious fires is a felony.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Garden fairies will offer split pea soup in the afternoon. Watch out for finger food in the evening. Lowered expectations could raise eyebrows in some circles. A square deal may have a damaging escape clause. Sphere chukkas use back door. A lover’s triangle will exclude you at first but be patient as openings will occur from thyme to thyme. Diamond’s are a girl’s best friend. Putting a square peg in a round hole is merely an expression. Tonight: Now there’s a wall that’s just crying out for graffiti.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Too much hobnobbing can turn a person stone blind, but don’t despair. The loss of one sense will only increase the capacity of the others. If you intend to embrace mistakes at least make them silly mistakes. Check your blood sugar every 3,000 smiles. Always signal before changing attitudes. Time is far better spent in front of a mirror than in front of a firing squad. Trust what you see and only part of what you hear, especially when accompanied by a West Cork brogue. Tonight: Do something nice for erotic fish.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Sorry, your sign has been shipped to the Third World where wages are more in line with corporate thinking. The general rule of thumb is most notably determined by where one happens to stick it. There may be times today when you say too much and other times when you say too little. Why not just shut up altogether and give someone else a chance to access themselves? All the whining in the world will not produce the antidote for sour grapes. Tonight: Mascara stains highlight your third eye.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Stop making excuses for the shape of your head. Your white bread world is about to be invaded by whole wheat liberalism. Vital statistics escape you in the early morning. Romantically speaking your charm could lure the Scorpio right out of his shell but getting him back in could present a problem. Limit weekends to three days. A fool and his money don’t generally amount to much. If you stay on top you won’t be plagued by bottom feeders. Tonight: Quell house plant disturbances before retiring.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Just because someone earns more than you and occupies a more prestigious position than you doesn’t mean they are better than you, although the probability is likely. Examine the advantages to bouncing personal checks. When following a hunch be careful not to rear-end yourself on the process. With Mercury, the planet of the mind, retrograde in the rear-view mirror you may want to yield. No, honey, it’s too late for an Easter egg hunt. Tonight: Swelling should abate by dark.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
With a little detective work you could end up in jail. When all about you are losing their heads, change political affiliation. Let a smile be your granola. Although seriously lacking on the depth charts your ability to embrace the surface could keep you out of the hole through the 14th. Stand in line, make a reservation, enlist today – be an integral part of something special no matter how vague your dedication. You are only human, so please stay the hell out of first class or we’ll throw you off the plantain. Tonight: Launder security blankets.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
A romance could be kindled if only you had a light. Making a favorable impression may be aiming a bit too high. Why not settle for charitable coexistence. Truckling, groveling, kowtowing and cringing are not necessarily an end in themselves but rather a means to an end. Tokens of respect seldom work in the gum-ball machines of outrageous fortune. The narcissist does not toss and turn before sleep. A carp in wolf’s clothing is slimy and serves no apparent purpose. Tonight: Reject lucrative-sounding phone solicitations during daytime dramas.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Wearing your heart on your sleeve could get messy. Wearing your parachute upside down could be worse. There’s nothing retro about a good polka. Contemplate the historical significance if perchance Custer had checked his E-Mail before the Bighorn. What if Chief Joseph had been on-line? Does Fidel have a cell phone? Did Mark Twain automatically a card carrying Good Sam? How many Beanie Babies are enough? A complacent man makes a better target. Tonight: Secure in one’s own madness.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Making money always takes a back seat (pew) to matters of the spirit especially on Sunday mornings when people are watching. Get permission before thinking for yourself. Modesty needs no amplification but a big mouth is for everyone. Don’t let a tiny mind keep you out of the big time. Living in denial could be better than living in Utah. Endeavor to create a healthy mix of will power and won’t power. You are a scale model of perfection albeit the watered down version. Tonight: Sink or swim.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Tip the executioner but never, under any circumstance, pay the band up front. Don’t take anyone too seriously today especially yourself. Avoid someone else’s stress by keeping the blinders firmly about you. Take the initiative and a hasty retreat. Face the facts: You can’t afford luxuries such as canned soup and pasta. If your credit card limit is larger than your posterior you still have lots of shopping in you. Your fluid imagination has made a nest inside your checkbook. Tonight: Induce vomiting.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You are certainly a farce to be reckoned with. Never overestimate the power of personal contact. In conflicts regarding elbow room try to land on your feet. Don’t get too involved in the matters of today until tomorrow. A sleeping dog catches the worms. You are not misunderstood, you are disliked. Things aren’t really as bad as you may think but they could get worse before morning. Keep and open mind and a closed agenda. Tonight: There’s brilliance in solitude.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, alchemist, dog-handler, pawn of the elements, conjurer of friendly spirits
“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism
by those who have not got it.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Utopia Mart Opening Saturday
(Montrose) A retail outlet promising eternal bliss is slated to open its doors this weekend. Offering consumers everything from dill pickles to breathing machines Utopia Mart expects to control a chunk of the consumer tide in just about a month.
“They even have people that will chew your food for you,” said one credit card enthusiast who has been camped out in the parking lot since June.
“Everything you could ever need to live a full life,” said another unhinged consumer, “and the pharmacy is nothing short of shoplifting…I mean uplifting.”
“There was never a good war or a bad revolution.”
– Edward Abbey
Pope to give away Vatican fortune
(Rome) Pope Francis today broke from a 2000-year tradition with the announcement that he would redistribute the vast wealth of the Vatican. Initial allocations will begin flowing immediately with the primary recipients expected to be practicing Catholics living in poverty. In the spirit of Euchumenicalism other poor people, deemed deserving, could get in on the pay-out by early next year.
At present, most of the wealth is being directed to poor Catholics in South America and Africa where poverty marches hand-in-hand with religious fervor. Guidelines for future compensation to groups such as Native Americans and others who may have suffered due to Vatican imperialism over the centuries have yet to be established. The new liberal policies dictate that money be bestowed without prejudice to hungry sectors through Doctors Without Hoarders.
According to an official statement the Vatican has apologized for banking its fortune while so many people go without the basic necessities.
“We know full well that this deserving constituency in evolving countries often engages in the practice of pagan rituals,” said Cardinal Emilio Zacola who, when the smoke cleared, almost became Pope Zacola last month. “We stole all those traditions and blended them into our own dogma back during the conquest/conversion of the heathens. I say let them have their idols and little gods. What’s it hurting? At least now they’ll have food to put on their table, if indeed they have a table.”
The sum currently residing in Vatican coffers has been estimated at over twelve billion dollars, all of which will be given away according to ranking Cardinals.
The abrupt shift in fiscal policy is expected to benefit the world economy putting more money in circulation. Economists project that the increase in consumer ascendancy will strengthen democracy in developing nations as large segments of the population begin joining the middle class.
“The Master was very clear on the concept of helping the poor,” continued Zacola. “Ancient scripture has always talked about giving and receiving. With the exception of the Divine Right theories and rationalized greed all of the theologies agree. Now maybe all those references to the meek inheriting the earth will be put into practice,” he said. “We’re not implying that the Master was a Socialist but neither did he work on Wall Street or sit on the Trilateral Commission.”
In a related matter the Pontiff had no comment on rumors that the Vatican would pursue the privatization of the Confessional.
“There will be no arbitrary consideration on sins of omission,” he said, “but on Fridays we will run a happy hour special on absolution. It will go cheap. With all of our money gone we should be able to qualify for foreign aid from the industrialized nations.”
– Alfalfa Romero
“It’s simple enough: If you want to sleep with Jane you’re gonna have to swing through some trees.” – Tarzan
HIGH SEASON-LOW VOLTAGE
You’re either in the Ouray Brewery or your not. Just ask the man at the door. Kevin has been credited with keeping life calm amid the throngs. “He’s kept Ouray from the abyss”, said a friend.
High Speed Internet is Better Than Sex
“High speed internet – hands down – is better than sex!” says a recent survey released by the Knights of the Ribald. The survey is published in many sexually explicit publications proudly displayed behind retail counters so as to prevent them from falling in to the wrong hands.
Those lucky enough to live in Fiber Paradise can download loads of sin, accompanying music, check e-mail, and have a cold beer – all at the same time in a matter of minutes.
According to one 34-year-old recently single woman, renting a Talibanesque cave for many bags of gold each month, “Who needs men!” she shouts with a beer between her legs at a Gunnison watering hole. “All I need is a good set of headphones, a six pack in the fridge, and I have the virtual world at the click of a vibrating plastic mouse.”
“In fact, why am I even here in this bar during happy hour?” she further questioned.
Lonely reporters report that wives and girlfriends are leaving their husbands and boyfriends with nice houses in the remote burbs surrounding Telluride, Gunnison and even Crested Butte for overpriced cable-ready apartments and run down trailers in Montrose and Grand Junction. “I left my boyfriend for high speed internet,” one Western State University grad reported.
A not-so-desperate Crested Butte South housewife uses high speed internet to order female sex toys paid for by her husband’s credit card. “My only escape from my overbearing husband and kids is my office, my cat, my erotic glass-blown gizmo and illegally free downloaded music.”
Even Western Slope mountain men are catching on. “The women don’t want me anyway,” shouts a drunk Colona cowboy who hasn’t been with a woman in years. All I need is a fast download of the latest Paris Hilton video and I’m good to go!”
As he proceeds to get slapped by yet another woman who won’t give him the time of day, he throws down a shot of Hack Daniels and adds, “Once you’ve had high speed internet, you’ll never go back to regular dating.”
“Foreplay took too long with dial-up,” one bald 60-something-year-old on Viagra reported from his Montrose double-wide. “I like my entertainment fast, easy and on the trashy side.”
The survey pointed out that one in five visit porn sites at least twice daily in their homes while a third of those surveyed get their fix at work on the boss’ time. One Telluride construction worker living out of his river shuttle Toyota secretly enters the company office to look at the Makita Girl-of-the-month on-line. “She’s better than the real thing,” he whispers.
-Bettie Rides
“Take a deep breath and don’t let it out.”
– Simple advice on how to deal with stress by Karen and Babs
