All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days
(Washington) A new federal program, aimed at relieving work-related stress and decreasing employee absenteeism, will be implemented by 2024 if the U.S. Department of Labor has its way.
The project, dubbed The Stupid Agenda, calls for the assignment of five stupid days per year per employee. The plan will be tested next month at more than 200 factories and mills throughout the country and a final approach will be determined by summer.
“If I guy wakes up in the morning and he can’t get it together he can just call in stupid,” said one human behavior analyst. “It’s like calling in sick but you don’t have to lie.”
The analyst went on to say that several industries already honor mental health days and vacation days but pointed out that these excuses leave a lot of gray area unexplored.
“Of course we expect that some employees will take advantage of the new program and take their stupid days in a row,” he sighed. “Many go on stupid cruises or go to stupid Las Vegas. It will be up to the individual business to police its own shop and regulate the extension of stupid days to people who really don’t deserve them.
According to unconfirmed sources here the federal government has been engaged in a secret stupid day exchange since about 1902. Frighteningly enough, most major decisions made since then were formulated by top level officials who had called in stupid.
“It’s about time we caste off the yoke that tells us we were put on earth to labor,” explained the government spokesman. “The concept of stupid days serves as a reminder that when it really comes down to it, life is rather silly at best.”
-Dinty Moore
“Blame who you will. Point the Yankee finger. But the drug problem begins at the end of the nose of the United States. Sure, I’ll grow corn instead of coca and watch as my children starve.”
– Emilio Chinchina, Colombian farmer.
SILVER CAMP NOTES
“Death went a prospecting
And he was no fool.
Here he struck Faithful Pete
The emigrant mule.”
– grave marker outside Ohio City, 1893
Alpine Tunnel Crews Wreck Pitkin
(Pitkin –1880) Steam-blowing railroad workers destroyed most of downtown Pitkin last night during a weekly Saturday night riot Brought on by lots of alcohol and little to do according to the local magistrate the disturbance caused broken windows, shattered street lamps and a fire at the local livery stables.
For years a love-hate relationship between the railroad workers, engaged in the construction of the Alpine Tunnel, and the town’s 1200 residents, has festered. Merchants in the town appreciate the workers’ silver but resent the noise and occasional violence. The workers, who camp at Alpine all week, look forward to sojourns into Pitkin, a town which boasts saloons, a bank and live women.
According to The Pitkin Independent “We predict that the population of our town will double by next year thanks to the excellent grade of ore from mines like Tycoon, Terrible and Little Addie Addie. In 1882 when the Denver and South Park Railroad reaches us we can expect continued growth. Just look at Quartz,” it continued. “Only months ago it was no more than placer claims and tin shacks near the summit of Cumberland Pass, and now it has a smelter and now there’s more gold dust than elk scat!”
The paper then challenged residents to put an end to the rabble rousing and turn from a mining camp to a fine city, one which might rival other booms towns like Lake City and Eureka in the San Juans, even Leadville.
Masterson Hired by Silverton Council
(Silverton — 1879) In an attempt to keep the lid on notorious Blair Street the Silverton Town Council has hired Bat Masterson as sheriff. The drastic action comes on the heels of an increase in murders and shootings, often resulting from claim jumping and gambling arguments. Blair Street is said to attract some of the top gamblers and prostitutes in the West. It is feared that this unsavory element will control the town.
“We’re pulling more silver out of these mines than anyone could have imagined prior to the Brunot Treaty,” said one leading citizen whose strike up Arrastra Gulch made him rich overnight. “Why should we let these low-lifes jeopardize our future successes? The troupes of preachers and soulful crusaders have had little affect. We’ve got 5 churches and 40 saloons. It’s time the community came together, some of them with their boots on if necessary.
Critics of the move say that despite his savvy, Masterson and his deputies may not want to see the demise of Blair Street.
“These peace officer have far more in common with the ruffians on Blair Street than they do with any legitimate social activity. I’ve seen them cruising the gaming dens and parlor houses on Saturday nights, but I’ve never seen them in church on Sunday.”
GRANT VISITS GOTHIC
Special from The Gothic Bonanza
(Gothic–1880) After weeks of sipping his way across Colorado General Grant arrived in Gothic tonight much to the delight of residents here. Gothic, settled primarily by former Unionists and war veterans, pulled out all the stops in an effort to outdo other boom camps such as Crested Butte and Irwin, who hosted the former President over the last weekend.
A great parade escorted the general into town and he gave a short speech from atop the local barber shop, paying his respects to the more righteous element of the town, then disappearing with local rowdies to sample the region’s poteen.
During his stay he attended several horse races and witnessed a series of terrible snow slides. Before leaving he settled several political disputes and visited the town’s largest sawmill.
Grant served two terms as President from 1879-1877 and due to alleged scandals and fraud within his administration he was not given the nomination in 1876. Republicans, concerned with accusations by the Democrats chose Rutherford B Hayes, who some said was “the most honest man they could find”.
The famous guest was accompanied to Gothic by William T Sherman, former general and Secretary of War and Zachariah Chandler, former Interior Secretary.
Earlier this month Grant visited Schofield, just south of Sonofabitch Basin, where he reportedly rode into town on a white mule accompanied by ex-Colorado governor John Long Routt. The townspeople were so exited that they rolled out a barrel of their best whiskey.* One eccentric resident, Old Lady Jack, presented the general with a freshly washed cat.
*Editor’s note: The order of historical events has never been clarified here. Did Grant first rode the white mule or first sample the whiskey? The answer is buried with the town’s mediocre ores.
Vagrant Strike Brings Denver Area To Its Knees
The Denver metro area is faltering in the second week of a strike called by vagrants and panhandlers. Busy intersections throughout the city are besieged by derelicts holding signs saying such things as “panhandler on strike,” “will not work for food,” or Viet vet now housed, please don’t help out.” Denver leaders have called the strike “the worst crisis for this city since Arenado left.”
Both Denver and Bpulder are reeling with concerns that the strike will expand to include the entire Confront Range before spring.
Boulder mayor Antonne Sockette called the begging stoppage “devastating to the Pearl Street Mall and the biggest threat to the diverse fabric of our community since the demise of Tom’s Tavern.”
Liquor stores and bars in the underbelly metro area are particularly hard hit and are requesting federal disaster funding.
Spokesmen for the striking vagrants explain the strike was called by local 22565 of the Amalgamated Vagrants International Union after panhandlers became disgusted with the meager amount of handouts being collected in the Denver area. Said one panhandler, “I can stand all afternoon at a busy interchange and only collect $50. Hell, for that kind of money I would be just as well off working.”
Another vagrant explained, “It’s no picnic standing out in all types of weather holding that stupid sign. People obviously don’t appreciate the lengths we go to to make them feel better.”
Meanwhile federal arbitrators are negotiating with commuter representatives in an effort to avoid the regimen of mandatory handouts for beggars demanded by the union With no settlement on the horizon its looking like a long, hot autumn in Denver.
East Colfax Added to Wolf Reintroduction Locales
Projected wolf reintroduction deployment regions include wilderness around Aspen, Gunnison, Montrose, Glenwood Springs and now East Colfax Avenue said a spokesperson for the Colorado Division of Wildlife this morning.
Early projections suggest the expansion is in response to voter behavior a few years back where Front Range residents voted to reintroduce wolves and the smaller population on the Western Slope voted against the plan.
“It’s all rather absurd when one considers that the wolves will be dropped on the westside,” said an architect of the East Colfax experiment.
DOW officials would not comment when asked if there were not packs of wolves already living west of the Continental Divide. Scientists say the animals have a far reaching orbit and that they will drift into New Mexico and Wyoming as well as the Beehive State (Utah).
“None appear to have maps or GPS and travel on instinct and because they can,” said one zoologist.
The reintroduction is part of a combined effort with a Colorado Department of Transportation strategy to release of thousands of skunks on Highway 550 before spring. 
“The presence of so many skunks should cut down on the traffic,” said an asphalt bureaucrat digesting a work order on his computer in Denver. “It’s cheaper than bringing the highway up to modern standards.
The artery, often called I-550 by commuters, has become quite dangerous even without considering weather and migrating animals. CDOT has built more than 60 miles of guardrails from south from Montrose. Are they meant to be a preventative or simply quick clean up? No one knows.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Santa Claus Canadian
(Ottowa) The red-clad warrior of Christmas has admitted his Canadian ancestry today much to the dismay of millions of fans south of the border in the United States. Humbug.
“We are stunned,” said a spokesman for retailers here. “Why would he mislead us? Why would he impersonate himself in such a cruel way? He should be punished!”
For centuries Santa Claus was considered to be a product of the U.S. since his trademark image was created by people like Thomas Nast, Clarence Horning, Frank Leslie and Winslow Homer. Despite these presumptions, the elf’s continued insistence that he reside at the brutal North Pole and his long association with Canada should have indicated a rat.
“People would prefer to gloss over the reality of a situation rather than consider all the possibilities,” said social scientist Margaret Swede of Cal Polygamy, a visiting scholar here. “Why do they think the Canadian kids always got their presents first? He’s been a rabid fan of the Maple Leafs since the first power play. He even goes to Bluejay games. That in itself shows substantial instability.”
What this disclosure will do to Christmas down in the colonies is not known but former Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has bravely offered to fill in until a new Santa is appointed, or the old one is exonerated.
“Santa has mislead us for too long,” continued Swede. “Even liberal academia will be slow to forgive him for this ruthless act.”
As an acting Canadian, Santa is also a subject of the crown (Britain) which may not go down well in Fenian circles.
“His mother was a Murphy,” added Swede, “ahh, but don’t they forget the ould sod when they make a few quid across the sea.”
After the holidays the United States will consider economic sanctions against the Commonwealth of Canada for harboring the bearded fraud. – Suzie Compost
GOP Opts Out of Climate
(What we think you need to know and will go to what many would see as extreme lengths to shove our ideas and opinions down your throat in a righteous fit of dismissal, disguised as the bettering of man.)
Supreme Quart confirms Know Nothing
commitment to saving the planet.
What They’re Saying Uptown….
“Too expensive, will kill jobs and it’s communist”, said one representative.
“Why would we pump money into something we can’t even see? Have you ever really seen an environment? It’s just more liberal propaganda,” he coughed. “Trying to tie the hands of business.”
“The country that has made the biggest mess and should be leading the effort clean up the planet has vamoosed” – Lorna Doom.
“Republicans have given global warming a limo ride into town all right, said one speech making Democrat who has as yet failed to get off his ass.
“The GOP has wasted precious time bungling, stalling and stuffing its pockets while the planet bakes. We see them every day in the chamber engaged in fake prayer. Their god is power and the gold that it brings,” she sputtered.
In other revolving action the SQ voted unanimously that White Privilege does not extend to vodka but that certain rums may be examined on a distinct basis. Moments later the judicial body voted 5-3 (with one abstention) that there was no such thing as White Privilege in the country.
“It’s really quite laughable: How can people base their entire orientation and in some cases their very existence based on something you can’t even see,” commented one POX News anchor.
-Gabby Haze
