All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Useful Real Estate Terms

(Blair Street – Front Porch Tattler  –  Eureka, CO  –  February 10, 2015) Acknowledged socialite, Roberta “Rickey” Rifebottom, executive director/researcher for the Western Slope Yard of the Month Club has compiled a glossary of real estate terms that she says will assist potential homebuyers in finding the right property or accommodation.
Noting that “different terms have different meanings in different parts of the country” Rifebottom suggests that it is advisable to familiarize oneself with the language before setting off to deal with the often-cynical natives.
The following is a sample of some leading definitions that might serve as a primer for Western Colorado buyers. A complete pamphlet is due out in November.
Secluded: Your only neighbors are people deemed unfit to live in any one of the neighboring communities.
Rustic: The rural electric association was never notified that a house was built on the property.
Winterized: Six feet of wet snow on the roof in June and two gallons of anti-freeze in the toilet tank come January.
Close to schools: Teachers, custodians and 16-year-old ninth-graders park in your driveway during the day while football and basketball fans park in your yard at night.
Ranch setting: Forty-year-old rusty barbwire surrounds the property to keep out the neighbor’s animals.
Underground utilities: Swimming pools, gardens and sandboxes without footers are prohibited.
Owner financing: Local banks are out of cash.
Southern exposure: The neighbors are descendants of Confederate Army officers. – Ernie Rigarde

Russia To Foreclose on Alaska

(Juneau What News Service  —  February 10, 2015) Sturgeon Realty, the Russian land agency that coordinated the sale of Alaska to the United States in 1867, has filed a lien against the property insisting the United States terminated payments during the Cold War and still owes $235,229.06 against the original selling price of $7.2 million.
Foreclosure proceedings are expected to get underway despite explicit assurances by the U.S. State Department that all their “ducks are in a row on this matter”.
“Putin is simply trying to distract the world from his manipulation of the Ukraine crisis,” said a former governor of Alaska who quit her post mid-term in order to pursue more lucrative options in the barely-literary world and on television. “It’s all Obama’s fault.”
Others in the Democrat aisle defended the President. They contend that Alaska was never the property of Czarist Russia and that the Bolsheviks were simply squatters with no legal right to the place.
The infamous sale of the immense land mass came as a direct result of Russia’s failures in the Crimean War. Most Americans were against the purchase of Seward’s Icebox. U.S. officials, associated with the transfer, had remarked that the Russians were lax when it came to details of the sale, wanting only to cash the check and get on with its own brand of serf and turf served with a side of ice.
But now CPAs inside the Kremlin say they have uncovered evidence that after a substantial down payment the U.S. discontinued payments.
“During the Land Lease Program in 1942-1945 we never saw a red cent on the Alaska bill,” said Yuri McTrotsky, a former Hibernian hurling coach turned accountant when his knees went bad. “I guess the Yanquis thought we’d forget or forgive the bill in light of the billions in aid pouring into what was then the Soviet state.
That said the Russians have sent a delegation to Washington to insist that the United States bring its payments up to date or relinquish all claims to the region. Insiders say that the collapse of the former Soviet Union and a half-hearted embrace of capitalism has ushered fiscal matters like this one into the forefront.
“When they were stinking commies they were a lot less concerned with the bottom line,” said an Anchorage fisherman who echoed a strong and growing sentiment that Alaskans did not want to be a part of either country.
Arrogant politicians in Washington appear to have been caught with their pants down again, but this time it did not involve a Bible-beating adulterer in the Senate or coke buying evangelical Representative, hiding in the shadows of a blindfolded Lady Justice.
Meanwhile one French diplomat suggested that the U.S. simply rent Alaska on a lease-option basis until a workable solution is reached or the funds generated. Although nothing binding was discussed, the diplomat assured the Horseshoe that the Russians would certainly want first and last months rent and a healthy damage deposit before any arrangement could be
corroborated. – Susie Compost

Homage to Antioquia

River of Rooftops in Salamina, Caldas, Colombia

The fevered pitch of Colombia, loud, inspired life in second helpings, is all around us.

After a week in beautiful Barrio Laurales, in the impressive city of Medellin, we are cruising the mountains of Antioquia. The green, windy paths open and close, the old men in the square welcome our bus with a stare, as if it were the first ever to pass through their little pueblo. But they are busy enough without us. They must pay daily visits to people and places today just like they have done for decades. They must lean on their canes under their Monte Cristos while their wives run the show from kitchen councils and patio palaces.

Here in Colombia altitude is everything where comfort is concerned. One can spend time in the steamy heat of Caribbean beaches or linger on hot chocolate rivers, muddied from the rain. For most Western Coloradans that option would quickly lose its luster in favor of green, dome mountains and cool, fresh climates.

Jerico, Antioquia, Colombia

Already I have experienced dirt ridges that make Red Mountain Pass look like Kansas. A rattletrap bus bounces along a dirt road filled with chuckholes and bumps left by the Conquistadors . The road twists and curves like fast waves on an asphalt beach up high somewhere in the clouds. The mountains rise and descend as we passed great forests of green, giant leaves soaring, and water flowing in the Rio Cauca. The light breezes catch up with the sun in the up and down seasick soliloquy of tortoiselike kilometers.

They often shoot video of the passengers on these buses so as to easier sort out who is who in case the thing goes over the side of the cliff. Unfortunately my driver’s video camera was broken and we had to dispense with the practice. The homage to Antioquia is full of surprises, some good, some not so good.

I’ve lived in the mountains for the better part of my life but after this hair ride I was forced into the Bar Horizonte located on the plaza next to the Stand Up Tavern in La Merced.

Today mi amarante y yo wake up in the lovely town of Jerico, about 70 miles (3 hours on mountain roads) southwest of Medellin. This sparkled postcard village is perched on the side of a mountain with strenuous stairways and charming terrazas, parks and plazas. The clop-clop of horses’ hooves on cobblestone is accompanied by the obnoxious roar of motorcycles bouncing off the canyon streets.

Our two knowledgeable museum guides are 11 and 10 years old. The youthful duo waltz us through anthropological antiquities, accented by comments peppered with schoolbook English. We give them each a Kennedy half dollar and they are pleased by the gratuity.

It will be a busy day here. First we eat a delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs, cheese, arepas (corn muffin tortillas) and coffee con leche (no sugar please). Then it’s time to ride the gondola that creeps up the side of one of these emerald slopes. Later we visit Henry Espinosa’s Hotel Bohio for lunch where we meet Victor “the greatest cowboy of Jerico”.

The Terraza in Jerico, Colombia

A walk up a hill past the curious stares of women window watchers to the Tango man nets a beer, a rum and Carlos Gardel before our siesta. Tonight we plan to have dinner at La Gruta, a restaurant just opened by David and Julianne two new Colombian friends. (He lived for 10 years in South Carolina.)

Yeah I know that it sounds like all we do is eat. That is not true. We log 3 to 4 miles a day wandering the sweet, spiraled, noisy streets of Jerico. Cevere! More later…

Eagles Spot 118 DOW Workers

(Gunnison, CO  Raptors and Rodents Review  January 20, 2015) Local eagles estimate 118 separate sightings along the river alone. That’s the number of Colorado Division of Wildlife officials spotted since August 25, according to a lightly plagiarized piece appearing in Yield and Scream Magazine.
The figure represents a 23% increase over the same period last season.
“We wait for the DOW flocks to land, sedate them, tag them and check them for various indicators before letting them go,” squawked one bald eagle extending his wings for emphasis.
The eagles have discovered three new species of DOW birds since the program began in 1996; the year authorities noticed a drastic drop in DOW species wintering here. Many of the DOW herds were relocating to other parts of the country where real estate was cheaper and the food was in greater supply. Today the population is double that of 1996, a detail that the eagles
cannot explain but take full credit for orchestrating.
The once-endangered genus generally resides in towns and cities and enjoys roosting in desks and pickups. An observant, patient shutterbug can get a great shot at dawn and dusk when the species is migrating to and from nesting areas.
“We won’t quit until we’ve tagged every one of them,” said an eagle scout reconnoitering like nobody’s business out the backfields. “Even the seasonal ones. Can’t talk now. There’s shrew out here. You ever ate shrew?”
The DOW birds are easily identified as they grow longer green coverage as the colder weather sets in. Often the plumage extends to headgear and, of corpse, eye protection. During particularly wet years the DOW bird grows rubber feet, not webbed but anchored by tread of second skin.
As the relentless tagging comes to a compassionate close the eagles will continue an independent study of migration patterns and embarrassing mating rituals common to the this odd group.

“I hate the outdoors. To me, the outdoors is where the car is.”    – Will Durst

Montrose Man Pays Off National Debt

(Uncompahgre Plateau  —  Colorado Bankers Dozen — January 20, 2015) A retired railroad worker who “came into a few dollars recently” has reportedly paid the United States’ government’s overdue bills, thus erasing the national debt.
In addition he paid back all loans from banks and other countries in the hope that the imbalance of trade could be corrected or at least lightened before the end of the fiscal year.
The generous patriot, who demanded anonymity, set precedent Friday morning by writing a check for an estimated $3.4 billion, which undresses the current debt. The surprised bank teller that handled the negotiation checked the status of the donor’s account and stamped her approval on the check receipt.
“He simply grew tired of watching entities like Gramm-Rudman coming down with all the credit status crap,” said an attorney for the check writer. “It was the right thing to do and the money was just sitting in the bank. We waited a week or two to accrue a bit more interest then sent the check.”
Unreliable sources within the Department of the Treasury were shocked when the check arrived in Washington yesterday. The agency plans to start cutting checks to creditors as early as this evening.
“We are currently waiting for this monster check to clear then we will move,” said a treasury official. “We can pay off this silly debt and fire about 12,000 accountants currently employed in the Deficits Bureau in Omaha or Tacoma or someplace weird. That alone will save us millions in salaries and benefits.”
President Obama is pushing legislation that would erect a substantial monument to “a generous American” on the West Lawn. He hinted that the donor might even appear on the new $25 bill, replacing Millard Fillmore in that capacity. The President attempted to call the philanthropist personally this week but found that the secretive benefactor’s phone had been cut off for lack of payment. Undaunted the President sent a photo of himself and a note of profuse, bubbly thanks.
According to the local social services the man is broke. He collects less than $800 per month from Social Security and a pittance more from a railroad pension.
“This mysterious patron borrowed $5 from me to get lunch the other day,” snapped one social worker that asked to remain pseudonymous. “I guess things changed significantly.”
Meanwhile close friends say the philanthropist remains reticent,
content in the knowledge that he has bailed out his countrymen.
“I just couldn’t stand the thought of the greatest nation on earth looking like a deadbeat,” he winced. “I really don’t mind helping or doing my part. I just hope the feds can keep things straight from here on out because I’m not going to do this again.” – Fred Zeppelin

Struggling Colleges Lobby for Draft

(New Haven) Many of the country’s top colleges are struggling to fill their lecture halls. Caught in the middle of baby booms and the lack of jobs for graduates, they have begun lobbying the Selective Service to reinstitute the military draft, hinged on student deferments.
Local schools that have sent representatives to Washington include Pea Green Academy, Police State University and the University of Downtown Delta. Several regional colleges such as WSCU, Ft Lewis and Mesa State University have taken a wait-and-see posture on this potentially messy petition.
Deans at all of these institutions stress that they do not support military adventurism but are faced with empty desks unless they can successfully motivate 18 – 22 year-olds to sign up for classes.
The Selective Service has yet to comment on the actions.