All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Car Wash Reinvents Snowmaking

(St Germaine Ski Lodge, Red Mountain Pass – January 10, 2015)
Innovative principals here have a new use for ancient snowmaking equipment abandoned at Ironton Park decades ago. They have created a car wash, one of the highest on the continent.
The three-stall super wash, in operation since early June, is capable of handling 700 vehicles per day and has been running at full capacity, recycling water from Crystal Lake and counting on afternoon monsoons for water and consumer demand.
“We’re busy building another bay for semis and motorcycles,” said Eddie Edwards, a controlling investor. “At present we are seasonal but we expect that to change in the near future.”
Edwards told The Horseshoe that a giant, protective dome is in the works, which should insulate the entire facility from winter storms. He added that despite the presence of mechanical resources like the snow blowers the expenses incurred were monstrous.
“We hope to have our initial investment back in ten years, what with global warming and population increase,” said another owner. “People like to drive a clean car all year not just when the tourists are in town.”
If given the opportunity, the equipment can still generate about a foot of snow per hour depending on the water table. Edwards says he has already been approached by several dry land ski concerns about purchasing excess flakes and powder.
“We even developed an attachment that can make perfect moguls but transporting them has proven to be testy at best. The residue of the acquisition, a 900 psi compressor, 1400 yards of aluminum irrigation pipe and three rolls of quality baling wire may play a major role in that endeavor.”
Speaking at a luncheon for the Ouray-Silverton Ladies Long Underwear Auxiliary, Edwards said the firm plans to hire 20 full-time skilled employees and another 100 seasonal workers in 2015. These people would dry, vacuum and direct traffic during peak times.
“I for one am sick and tired of watching dirty campers negotiate Red Mountain Pass,” he stressed. “Now we will see a parade of clean vehicles descending on both sides of the pass.”
A Grand Opening, featuring hot dogs and fireworks, has been going on since August with cut-rate fees and a chance to win a cruise on Lake Ouray or Lake Emma in the fall.
“If all goes well we will be looking for opportunities to open a car wash on Molas and Coal Bank as well as a high-tech limited access facility at Howardsville.

– Small Mouth Bess

COLORADO SKI COUNTRY TO HEAT HIGHWAYS

– from the Crested Butte Albatross – used by permission – January 10, 2015

Due to harsh criticism by most members and the exit of the prestigious Wolf Creek Ski Area from the fold, the Colorado Ski Country has decided to do something besides send out pamphlets. According to a press release the promotional entity has arranged for the construction of underground highway heaters along major roads leading to ski areas.
Although the group did not include a blueprint of the plan they did say the work would be complete by next Thanksgiving.
“We may charge a slight toll to people with ski racks but that will be determined at a later date,” said Christy Stemm of Colorado Ski Country. “That fee will be minimal when one considers the convenience and safety factors.”
Unfortunately once the heaters are installed there is no way to regulate the temperature from above therefore the they will most likely run when the roads are dry and throughout the summer months as well. The effect that this increase might have on the local ecosystem is not known at press time.
“Hey doomsdayers, skiing is environmentally advantageous for all,” blasted Stemm. “Just look at all those lovely condos over here and those parking lots over there. The industry has grown to the point where it desperately needs a spokesperson and I’ll be available just as soon as I find a wall jack for my microphone.”
When asked why Wolf Creek dropped off the roster of Colorado Ski Country members Stemm said only that the resort “never got any snow and could not be counted on to provide lift lines for out-of-state visitors”.

Montrose Sculpture

Western sculpture adorns downtown Montrose. Come have a close-up look!

Cure for hangover not found

(Bangor) The long sought after cure for the all too common hangover has once again eluded medical workers here at Down East Sanitarium. The mood is somber with many once hopeful staff members having given up.
“Our research is desperate and intense,” said one nurse, sipping on a wine cooler.
Most doctors are quick to agree that the once royal treatment, coded for centuries as “the hair of the dog”, will simply have to do until the antidote can be perfected. Methodology under consideration by the New England Journal of Medicine involves large quantities of baking soda being injected into the victim and energy drink enemas, which are still under extreme scrutiny at this time.
Other “recipes” of note include iced prune packs, oregano tea, skunk cabbage seeds and purges with swamp water. Despite the tasty temptation Tabasco sauce popsicles and diluted Liquid Plumber offer no relief and may cause other complications.
Many physicians claim that hearty exercise could relieve the symptoms of dehydration and lack of deep sleep. Others, however, prescribe an afternoon on the couch with low light and no loud noises.
The United Nations currently spends about $54 million on hangover research quarterly, with that number expected to double by 2018.
“One thing is for certain,” quipped a pudgy doctor as he sipped a cold beer, “whoever discovers the key will become a very rich person. I just hope it’s me. Now, if you don’t mind, I must get back to my testing.”
– Flora Pandora

“Many a man has fallen in love with a woman in light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by.” – Maurice Chevalier

BEST USES FOR LEFTOVER FRUITCAKE

Are you as tired as we are of lame fruitcake scenarios? We chose 20 of our favorites from the recently released 10,000 Uses For Fruit Cake by Macon (Ga.) Bros. Press. Here they are:

1. Soft, absorbent airport runways and circuit boards for computerized baggage claim systems
2. Spongy, edible lifts for shoes
3. Decorative moss fireplace grout
4. Trail tofu for herd animals
5. Backup house trailer skirting
6. Windshield scraper/breakfast bars
7. Candied stick deodorant
8. Sure-grip roofing supplement for safe snow removal
9. Tear-away political platforms
10. Astroturf
11. A backup center for the Denver Nuggets
12. Dog house insulation
13. Congressional dart boards
14. Leak-proof chinking material
15. Canvasses for bad western artists
16. Jigsaw puzzles
17. Patching for the ozone
18. Square frisbees
19. U.S. Constitution grips
20. Succulent decoupage
-edited for clarity by Estelle Marmotbreath (Leftover Fritcake in her own right)

Pleasure Boats banned from treatment plant

(Ouray) The City of Ouray announced that recreational craft larger than 40 feet in length would be restricted from cruising the Lake Ouray Water Treatment Plant north of town. Citing past recklessness and a slew of safety violations as the cause for the prohibition, the town has no plan to submerge new slips until spring.
Saying that the plant was never meant for pleasure boats or recreation, a municipal source suggested that the prevalence of seasonal aromas as well as the close proximity to Ridgway Reservoir factored in on the final decision. Our source then invited reporters up to the poop deck to get a better look at the logistics that remain a sensitive point with both sides in this long awaited confrontation.
Splinter groups loosely aligned with Pitchfork Party militias have threatened “to sabotage water projects in the county until someone stops to smell the roses.” – Manuel Flushe