All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Los Angeles Restaurateur Intros Time Sharing

(Mulholland Tunnel — February 25, 2015) Time-sharing has invaded the booths and the barstools of many of this city’s favorite eating and drinking spots on the circuit. Chef-Owner Tommy Toaste, the man who originated the concept says the progression was inevitable.
“It’s just like sharing anything else,” he smiled. “The price reflects the specific arrangement made and the willingness of the patron to plan ahead. The restaurant knows how many guests it will serve and the diner commits to an expanded time frame. Everyone wins.”
Here’s how she works: Say a fellow in Boston buys a share in a restaurant that specializes in seafood. Chances are that he won’t eat there every night. So, in his absence someone else will be sipping his chowder. Now say the same guy goes to Milwaukee on business and takes his lovely wife along. He simply checks with his broker who locates suitable bar stools. Then the arriving couple can begin slamming beers upon arrival without spending precious time looking for the right bar.
A circus clown in Omaha trades his prime rib stock for sushi shares in the Bay Area while a lady roller derby standout swaps gumbo credits in New Orleans for a tuna steak in Seattle. International travelers can look forward to trading a leg of lamb in Athens for a chilidog experience in Cincinnati. Kimchi for haggis anyone?
“It’s all measured at BPM or bites per minute,” explained Toaste. “An active time sharer accumulates points that can be spent like cash in participating eateries. Then when he travels across the globe or across the street he is covered. We are a reputable group,” he went on, “and have never condoned eating off another person’s plate.” -Small Mouth Bess

One of the finest chicken joints in Bogota?

Popular eatery in Bogota, Colombia
(Photo by David Mullings-Used without permission)

Editor to attempt jump

(Kinikin Heights — February 25, 2015) A former high-wire great, turned copy editor at this very newspaper, will attempt to hurdle the Black Canyon of the Gunnison in a 1984 Honda 250 grocery cart it was disclosed by the special events department this morning.
Fellow scribes at the San Juan Horseshoe say Melvin O’Toole, of the Maher O’Tooles was coerced into the stunt by radicals in the advertising department that insist the performance will prop up dwindling sales before the holidays.
O’Toole appeared rattled at the follow-up press conference held on the porch at the Coffee Trader in nearby Montrose. He did not answer questions and had what close friends called “a far-away look in his blood-shot eyes”.
Readers may recall O’Toole’s attempted leap in a cardboard crate back in 2002, which resulted in thee months of hospitalization, and another six in physical therapy.
When asked why he would engage in such self-destructive conduct Toole muttered something about job security before ambling off into the cedars.

The wonderful world of insects and spiders

Another informative submission from THE NATIONAL BUG — FEB. 25, 2015
Interesting anecdotes and strong indications that the
human race is not the only inferior species on the planet

Ants keep slaves. Certain species, the so-called sanguinary ants in particular, raid the nests of other ant tribes, kill the queen and kidnap many of the workers. The workers are then brought back to the captor’s hive where they are coerced into performing demeaning and trivial tasks, often for less than minimum wage.

Termites are not related to ants. They are part of the cockroach family and damn proud of it.

A house fly usually lives in Colorado for two weeks then flies back home to go back to work only to return for a week during ski season.

Only the female bees work. Males remain in the hives watching football and drinking bad lite beer. Their only true mission in life is to fertilize the queen on her maiden flight (debutante ball, coming out party, quinceaneras, etc.) For this sole purpose, literally thousands of males are hatched, out of which one or two of them actually mate with the queen. Sound familiar? After they have served their function, the males are never again allowed back into the hive and must sleep on the couch for the rest of their relatively condensed, albeit honey-proned and buzzing, lifetime.

Cockroaches have lived on the planet for 250 million years without ever changing their underwear.

There are more beetles on Earth than any other living creatures, with the exception of bad sports commentators and munitions lobbyists.

Only the female mosquito bites. The male considers this to be the mark of a sissy and prefers to box with its prey. The male is squashed with the same regularity as the female even though he is harmless.

If one places a minimal amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. This is one of the reasons one does not observe these arachnids hanging out in bars. If you intend to try this experiment we prefer you utilize cheap booze and not waste anything good on these miserable bastards.

A cockroach can live for several weeks with its head cut off. Many humans live for 80 years or more with no brains in the head that they maintain.

The bombardier beetle, after digesting a bean burrito, defends itself by emitting a series of explosions, not unlike a World War I gas attack. The successive noises sound a lot like miniature shotgun poof and are accompanied by a cloud of reddish-colored, vile smelling fluid. It is recommended that one avoids elevator rides with these flatulent terrestrials.

Bees have five eyes. There are three small eyes on the top of the bees’ head and two large ones in front. The creatures see you very well and know who swatted at them and who chilled out when they buzzed. If bees counted cards, they might be able to make a killing at the casino.
– Sammy Spiderhausen

Useful Real Estate Terms

(Blair Street – Front Porch Tattler  –  Eureka, CO  –  February 10, 2015) Acknowledged socialite, Roberta “Rickey” Rifebottom, executive director/researcher for the Western Slope Yard of the Month Club has compiled a glossary of real estate terms that she says will assist potential homebuyers in finding the right property or accommodation.
Noting that “different terms have different meanings in different parts of the country” Rifebottom suggests that it is advisable to familiarize oneself with the language before setting off to deal with the often-cynical natives.
The following is a sample of some leading definitions that might serve as a primer for Western Colorado buyers. A complete pamphlet is due out in November.
Secluded: Your only neighbors are people deemed unfit to live in any one of the neighboring communities.
Rustic: The rural electric association was never notified that a house was built on the property.
Winterized: Six feet of wet snow on the roof in June and two gallons of anti-freeze in the toilet tank come January.
Close to schools: Teachers, custodians and 16-year-old ninth-graders park in your driveway during the day while football and basketball fans park in your yard at night.
Ranch setting: Forty-year-old rusty barbwire surrounds the property to keep out the neighbor’s animals.
Underground utilities: Swimming pools, gardens and sandboxes without footers are prohibited.
Owner financing: Local banks are out of cash.
Southern exposure: The neighbors are descendants of Confederate Army officers. – Ernie Rigarde

Russia To Foreclose on Alaska

(Juneau What News Service  —  February 10, 2015) Sturgeon Realty, the Russian land agency that coordinated the sale of Alaska to the United States in 1867, has filed a lien against the property insisting the United States terminated payments during the Cold War and still owes $235,229.06 against the original selling price of $7.2 million.
Foreclosure proceedings are expected to get underway despite explicit assurances by the U.S. State Department that all their “ducks are in a row on this matter”.
“Putin is simply trying to distract the world from his manipulation of the Ukraine crisis,” said a former governor of Alaska who quit her post mid-term in order to pursue more lucrative options in the barely-literary world and on television. “It’s all Obama’s fault.”
Others in the Democrat aisle defended the President. They contend that Alaska was never the property of Czarist Russia and that the Bolsheviks were simply squatters with no legal right to the place.
The infamous sale of the immense land mass came as a direct result of Russia’s failures in the Crimean War. Most Americans were against the purchase of Seward’s Icebox. U.S. officials, associated with the transfer, had remarked that the Russians were lax when it came to details of the sale, wanting only to cash the check and get on with its own brand of serf and turf served with a side of ice.
But now CPAs inside the Kremlin say they have uncovered evidence that after a substantial down payment the U.S. discontinued payments.
“During the Land Lease Program in 1942-1945 we never saw a red cent on the Alaska bill,” said Yuri McTrotsky, a former Hibernian hurling coach turned accountant when his knees went bad. “I guess the Yanquis thought we’d forget or forgive the bill in light of the billions in aid pouring into what was then the Soviet state.
That said the Russians have sent a delegation to Washington to insist that the United States bring its payments up to date or relinquish all claims to the region. Insiders say that the collapse of the former Soviet Union and a half-hearted embrace of capitalism has ushered fiscal matters like this one into the forefront.
“When they were stinking commies they were a lot less concerned with the bottom line,” said an Anchorage fisherman who echoed a strong and growing sentiment that Alaskans did not want to be a part of either country.
Arrogant politicians in Washington appear to have been caught with their pants down again, but this time it did not involve a Bible-beating adulterer in the Senate or coke buying evangelical Representative, hiding in the shadows of a blindfolded Lady Justice.
Meanwhile one French diplomat suggested that the U.S. simply rent Alaska on a lease-option basis until a workable solution is reached or the funds generated. Although nothing binding was discussed, the diplomat assured the Horseshoe that the Russians would certainly want first and last months rent and a healthy damage deposit before any arrangement could be
corroborated. – Susie Compost