All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Personal Missiles Target Weapons Market

(Gunsight Pass, March 25, 2015) The American taxpayer has knowingly and unknowingly funded the development and production of highly sophisticated, yet often dysfunctional missiles and missile weapons systems. All the while, the people have clamored for personal missiles of their very own.
Now the fog has lifted on the landscape of personal (anti-personal) armed projectiles for the home and office. Although the Pentagon and other military powerhouses might prefer that the average American stick to handguns, assault rifles, hunting rifles, grenades, mortars, refurbished tanks, submachine guns, harpoons, machetes and those little Swiss Army knives, it appears that there is a crack in their armor.
Pro-weapons groups say the public has a right to launch missiles, keep them in their homes and carry missiles in their vehicles. Many add that since taxpayers foot the army’s tab on everything from paper clips to nuclear bombs and whatever else rolls off the military-industrial complex assembly line, they should have the final say on gun control.
“If I want to carry a missile when I venture out onto the interstate or to the grocery…that’s my business,” said a Denver collector who claims to own over 400 rifles and handguns. “If I want to keep a few missiles around the house for protection that should not involve gov’ment interference. The Constitution provides for my freedom.”
Recently lobbyists for the munitions industry have pushed to make personal missiles available, but only to those over 21. Inducement pirates like these did not specify if the number referred to age or IQ.
“All of these restrictions are communist,” continued the bulletproof collector who asked to remain analogous. “If one is old enough to drive a car, get a tattoo, vote or fight for their country he should be old enough to own a missile or two.”
The most popular consumer models are about the size of a small cucumber but contain the firepower of a 3-megaton rutabaga or a large attack watermelon intentionally dropped from 10 stories onto a strategic objective. Most are fired from a steel-plated toilet paper roll, a hollowed out softball bat or stripped down fountain pen. Earlier models were based on everyday heat-seeking technology that tends to backfire.
Problems mounted with these pioneer weapons when the projectiles veered off course from the intended target (neighbor, neighbor’s dog, someone who looked suspicious, a minority group member running) and detonated on contact with, say, the kitchen stove or the barbecue grill.
Armaments that have repeatedly misfired include Hades, Cobras, Brimstoned, Javelin, Python, Popeye, Stiletto, Thunderbird, Patriot, Apache, Hawk and Swingfire. Experts insist these are too much for most consumers to handle. They suggest that the novice starts with tactical ballistic miniatures or the acceptable “baby cruise missiles” for land attacks and the popular V-1 or the hand-held Yun Feng for nautical or solar battle.
“These newer babies offer improved adaptability resulting in a safer, more varied weapon. The new generation of hand rockets is noise seeking, determining concentric, selected aim by decibel levels rather than blood temperature. These are highly effective on city streets, where they are useful in eliminating offensive music from tedious ghetto blasters and loud rapping while not impacting the norm, you know like mindless metal, painful country or catchy elevator toe tappers.”
In rare cases it may be necessary to confront the offending musical party, thus inducing the target to turn up the volume so that when the launch finally transpires the missile can home in more accurately. The accepted method is to yell in the direction of the perpetrator: “Het dirt bag, do you think you could turn the bass up a bit? I haven’t lost all of my hearing yet. Yeah, that’s better. Thanks.”
Ready, aim, fire.
The soon-to-be-released personal missiles should be available at Radio Hack, Brawl-Mart, Taco Hell and of corpse at Target. Home bound and bed-ridden warriors can obtain the technology through any one of a dozen television offers. There are no background checks and the time of an average transaction is less than 15 minutes.
Meanwhile the clear-headed, closer to the action confirmed reports that the personal missiles would be issued to local police forces so as to insure they are used safely, responsibly and without prejudice.
– Tommy Middlefinger

“How the hell can a person go to work in the morning, come home in the evening and have nothin’ to say.” – John Prine

Weather Wong Again

(Silverton – March 25, 2014)
The Natural Whether Cervix has confessed en masse to the occasional sharing of false or distorted information but now it has become an annual affair. Today the NWC announced that it would simply recycle weather reports in that they are cyclical and often are the same anyway.
People who actually believe in atmospheric predictions have been duped for decades, say meteorologists. How could anyone be so gullible to think we could pull climatic prophesies right out of thin air? Will it snow? It could since it is winter and all. Where do the winds come from? We don’t have a clue. Hell, we can’t see the sun today with all the rain clouds. Even the narrowest plebe could follow the leads and suggestions here.
“Our dartboard weather alerts and zero-based, finite calculations have been dismally inaccurate and, due to budget constraints, we simply can’t afford this kind of luxury in the future,” said the late, legendary Manny Mawrin, former all-pro weatherman from Indiana. “Then it came to us: Why spend all that money monitoring the weather when we could just make it up for about half the cost?”
The forecasters expect to save a considerable chunk of change with this new approach. Recycling will afford the entire lot with more leisure time in which to eat doughnuts and read the sports page. – Susie Compost

Restaurants like this one have disappeared from the landscape replaced by chains offering nothing but the same bad food and genetically modified poison.

Wal-Mart Ordered to Pay 45.7 Billion in Reparations

(Bentville, AR) Wal-Mart was today instructed to pay more than $45 billion in preliminary damages to American small towns. Saying that the nation’s largest retailer has “stolen the innocence of personal commerce and created a hostile environment for trade” the court denied what amounted to the third appeal on the issue.
The prescribed payments will begin this week with funds strictly earmarked for architectural renovation, commercial reeducation, green space and small business loans.
“This monster has eaten away at the very fiber that is America,” said Judge Timothy Brennan of the United States Court of Serious Jurisprudence, “and has engaged in unfair competition such as misrepresentation, price fixing and the application of brainwashing techniques not seen since the Korean War.”

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Brennan went on to say that the destruction of small town America must stop and these reparations are just the beginning. He said that the Wal-Mart experience encourages people to be robotic and stupid, which are not two traits consistent with even a fringe democracy.
“Mindless consumerism leads to expanded greed and to desperation which leads to false needs and ultimately more control,” said the judge in his final decision. “The people are sheep and must be protected by a benevolent shepherd not fleeced by heartless men and women who seek to dictate business practices in this culture.”
Bosses at Wal-Mart did not return our phone calls Friday but chatter on the local level suggests that Wal-Mart will be “talking to our friends in Washington” according to one store manager. “This Brennan character will be discredited, disbarred and destroyed before the week is out. And we don’t need government approval since we are the government.”
Officials here denied reports that Brennan would be assassinated, an approach popular with other totalitarian regimes.
A clerk of court, speaking on behalf of Brennan, who is said to be in hiding at the time of this report, said the fines may seem exorbitant but that the destruction is unparalleled in modern history.
“We will never be able to bring back a more gentle, soothing exchange between buyer and seller,” she said. Companies like Wal-Mart have destroyed those days along with a big chunk of Americana. It will never return and the people who support this kind of shabby mercantilism share the blame.”
Brennan, in his closing statement, reiterated these comments saying that shopping at Wal-Mart was unpatriotic.
“What is particularly disheartening is to see that many Americans watch their culture disappearing and they don’t even care. They are too busy consuming junk.”
Meanwhile another faceless Wall Street giant, Citibank, has shrugged off a $7 billion fine imposed by the Justice Department for the sale of high-risk, defective mortgage investments during the sub-prime housing boom.
“We have plenty of money to pay off these paltry damages,” said one unidentified spokesman for Citibank, “and a lot more in off-shore accounts that they’ll never get their hands on.”
Meanwhile Wal-Mart officials denied published reports that it will begin charging customers parking fees during the holiday consumer feeding frenzy in December. – Kashmir Horseshoe

Nuevo mes, nuevo día de la semana por proponer federales

(Arlington VA) Un nuevo mes y un octavo día de la semana, pueden unirse a los otros 12 y 7, respectivamente, si un comité del Congreso sale con la suya. De acuerdo con un grupo de cabilderos veteranos opuestos a la hora de verano, días de fiesta oficiales Lunes, calendarios de desnudos, envoltura de plástico disfuncional, relojes de pared digitales y las fechas de terminación de carnes frías, la victoria está a la vista.
Estos tradicionalistas están exigiendo un retorno a tiempos más simples, pero dicen que necesitan un poco de elbowroom expandida para trazar la opinión pública y aplicar restricciones.
“Estamos tratando de aprobar una enmienda y terminar con todos los cosméticos y disfraces”, dijo cabilderos Peter Rabbit, que entre sus otros deberes sirve como un centro comercial predicador dos veces acusado-aquí los fines de semana.
El nuevo día sería llamado “D OMINGO”, un período de 24 horas en que los ciudadanos no tengan que ir a trabajar pero se les permitiría salir de sus casas. El nuevo mes “Bachtember”, es el nombre de Baco, el dios romano de libaciones diarias y la promiscuidad fin de semana.
Fuentes familiarizadas con el ridículo, dijo a La Herradura que D OMINGO seguiría Domingo como una especie de amortiguador para la semana de trabajo, mientras que Bachtember permitiría personas de más tiempo para las cosechas anuales, colores de la caída, y añadir 4 partidos más a la mayoría de la universidad y el equipo de fútbol profesional horarios.
“No esperamos que este cambio para crear problemas como los imaginó a finales del milenio pasado”, dijo el conejo, la nariz un temblor en la aprehensión de un nuevo intento de aprovechar el tiempo.
Los defensores siguen insistiendo en que a pesar de los cambios serían difícil al principio, la mayoría de la gente pronto se beneficiaría después de un corto intervalo de tiempo.
– Phil E. Buster

How to Deal with a Leprechaun

by Padriac McGloo
1. Always make sure his glass is full of Guinness.
2. Don’t be after his gold.
3. Compliment his ability as a shoemaker.
4. Offer him the proverbial second shilling (which he will refuse).
5. Buy him a new hat, pipe and shillelagh every March 16.
6. Consult with him on matters dealing with the banshee and other elves.
7. Have a sturdy mount at his disposal at all times.
8. Be cordial to other wee people when they come to visit. Keep their little glasses full too.
9. Be careful where you step.
10. Refrain from referring to leprechauns as fairies in certain circles.
By following these simple suggestions most mortals can develop a working relationship with leprechauns and avoid falling victim to the mischievousness common to the wee folk. If you accidentally provoke one of these creatures just remember that although they consider humans to be inferior they have a warm spot in their hearts for fools and beggars, be they Irish or other.