All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Restaurants like this one have disappeared from the landscape replaced by chains offering nothing but the same bad food and genetically modified poison.

Wal-Mart Ordered to Pay 45.7 Billion in Reparations

(Bentville, AR) Wal-Mart was today instructed to pay more than $45 billion in preliminary damages to American small towns. Saying that the nation’s largest retailer has “stolen the innocence of personal commerce and created a hostile environment for trade” the court denied what amounted to the third appeal on the issue.
The prescribed payments will begin this week with funds strictly earmarked for architectural renovation, commercial reeducation, green space and small business loans.
“This monster has eaten away at the very fiber that is America,” said Judge Timothy Brennan of the United States Court of Serious Jurisprudence, “and has engaged in unfair competition such as misrepresentation, price fixing and the application of brainwashing techniques not seen since the Korean War.”

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Brennan went on to say that the destruction of small town America must stop and these reparations are just the beginning. He said that the Wal-Mart experience encourages people to be robotic and stupid, which are not two traits consistent with even a fringe democracy.
“Mindless consumerism leads to expanded greed and to desperation which leads to false needs and ultimately more control,” said the judge in his final decision. “The people are sheep and must be protected by a benevolent shepherd not fleeced by heartless men and women who seek to dictate business practices in this culture.”
Bosses at Wal-Mart did not return our phone calls Friday but chatter on the local level suggests that Wal-Mart will be “talking to our friends in Washington” according to one store manager. “This Brennan character will be discredited, disbarred and destroyed before the week is out. And we don’t need government approval since we are the government.”
Officials here denied reports that Brennan would be assassinated, an approach popular with other totalitarian regimes.
A clerk of court, speaking on behalf of Brennan, who is said to be in hiding at the time of this report, said the fines may seem exorbitant but that the destruction is unparalleled in modern history.
“We will never be able to bring back a more gentle, soothing exchange between buyer and seller,” she said. Companies like Wal-Mart have destroyed those days along with a big chunk of Americana. It will never return and the people who support this kind of shabby mercantilism share the blame.”
Brennan, in his closing statement, reiterated these comments saying that shopping at Wal-Mart was unpatriotic.
“What is particularly disheartening is to see that many Americans watch their culture disappearing and they don’t even care. They are too busy consuming junk.”
Meanwhile another faceless Wall Street giant, Citibank, has shrugged off a $7 billion fine imposed by the Justice Department for the sale of high-risk, defective mortgage investments during the sub-prime housing boom.
“We have plenty of money to pay off these paltry damages,” said one unidentified spokesman for Citibank, “and a lot more in off-shore accounts that they’ll never get their hands on.”
Meanwhile Wal-Mart officials denied published reports that it will begin charging customers parking fees during the holiday consumer feeding frenzy in December. – Kashmir Horseshoe

Nuevo mes, nuevo día de la semana por proponer federales

(Arlington VA) Un nuevo mes y un octavo día de la semana, pueden unirse a los otros 12 y 7, respectivamente, si un comité del Congreso sale con la suya. De acuerdo con un grupo de cabilderos veteranos opuestos a la hora de verano, días de fiesta oficiales Lunes, calendarios de desnudos, envoltura de plástico disfuncional, relojes de pared digitales y las fechas de terminación de carnes frías, la victoria está a la vista.
Estos tradicionalistas están exigiendo un retorno a tiempos más simples, pero dicen que necesitan un poco de elbowroom expandida para trazar la opinión pública y aplicar restricciones.
“Estamos tratando de aprobar una enmienda y terminar con todos los cosméticos y disfraces”, dijo cabilderos Peter Rabbit, que entre sus otros deberes sirve como un centro comercial predicador dos veces acusado-aquí los fines de semana.
El nuevo día sería llamado “D OMINGO”, un período de 24 horas en que los ciudadanos no tengan que ir a trabajar pero se les permitiría salir de sus casas. El nuevo mes “Bachtember”, es el nombre de Baco, el dios romano de libaciones diarias y la promiscuidad fin de semana.
Fuentes familiarizadas con el ridículo, dijo a La Herradura que D OMINGO seguiría Domingo como una especie de amortiguador para la semana de trabajo, mientras que Bachtember permitiría personas de más tiempo para las cosechas anuales, colores de la caída, y añadir 4 partidos más a la mayoría de la universidad y el equipo de fútbol profesional horarios.
“No esperamos que este cambio para crear problemas como los imaginó a finales del milenio pasado”, dijo el conejo, la nariz un temblor en la aprehensión de un nuevo intento de aprovechar el tiempo.
Los defensores siguen insistiendo en que a pesar de los cambios serían difícil al principio, la mayoría de la gente pronto se beneficiaría después de un corto intervalo de tiempo.
– Phil E. Buster

How to Deal with a Leprechaun

by Padriac McGloo
1. Always make sure his glass is full of Guinness.
2. Don’t be after his gold.
3. Compliment his ability as a shoemaker.
4. Offer him the proverbial second shilling (which he will refuse).
5. Buy him a new hat, pipe and shillelagh every March 16.
6. Consult with him on matters dealing with the banshee and other elves.
7. Have a sturdy mount at his disposal at all times.
8. Be cordial to other wee people when they come to visit. Keep their little glasses full too.
9. Be careful where you step.
10. Refrain from referring to leprechauns as fairies in certain circles.
By following these simple suggestions most mortals can develop a working relationship with leprechauns and avoid falling victim to the mischievousness common to the wee folk. If you accidentally provoke one of these creatures just remember that although they consider humans to be inferior they have a warm spot in their hearts for fools and beggars, be they Irish or other.

Colorado Old Timer Trivia Quiz

Front Range Primer #611

Were you born when Colorado became a state in 1876? That would make you old enough to answer all of our test questions correctly the first time around. You youngsters, born in the 20th Century or later may have a struggle but please proceed. Our probability scale is as follows. There are built-in fail-safes for the kids in our readership. (Example: Someone born in 1955 should be able to answer 75% of the questions to qualify for expensive prizes.*
1.Douglas Fairbanks was expelled from what Denver high school in 1883?
2. Where was Bob Ford, the killer of Jesse James, himself slain?
3. Who wrote the Molly Mayfield column appearing in the Rocky Mountain News?
4. What does the white strip on Colorado’s state flag represent?
5. Mattie Silks opened her first parlor house on what street?
6. Which Presidents established a Summer White House in Colorado?
7. How many inches of snow fell on Denver during the Blizzard of 1913?
8. What year was gold discovered along the Platte River and Cherry Creek?
9. The Ku Klux Klan helped elect which Denver mayor in 1923?
10. How many peaks in the Rocky Mountain state are over 14,000 feet?
11. Who was Colorado’s first Miss America?
12. What team did the Denver Broncos beat to win a place in the 1978 Super Bowl?
13. How long is the Moffat Tunnel?
14. What 1973 movie was filmed in a futuristic house in Genesee Park?
15. McNichols Arena sat how many fans?
16. Who founded Tivoli Brewery in 1859?
17. How large was the screen at Phipps IMAX Theater in Denver?
18. What heavyweight boxer was born in Manassa, Colorado?
19. Under what name did the now defunct Lakeside Amusement Park open in 1908?
20. Who won the Pulitzer Prize for a story about an invisible rabbit named “Harvey”?
21. What metal originally covered Denver’s gold leaf capitol dome?
22. When did the Denver Nuggets sign David Thompson?
23. Where is the alleged cannibal, Alferd Packer, buried?
24. Coors Brewery was established in what year?
25. What Denver resident survived the sinking of the Titanic in 1912?
Bonus question: How many Buffalo Bill’s Graves exist in the West?

Answers (No Peekie) to Trivia Quiz
1. East High School
2. Creede (in his saloon in 1892)
3. Francis Foster
4. The snow of our mountains
5. Holladay Street
6. Dwight Eisenhower and Gerald Ford
7. 45.7 inches
8. 1858
9. Ben Stapleton
10. 53
11. Sharon Kay Ritchie
12. Oakland Raiders
13. 6.2 miles
14. “Sleeper”
15. 20,000
16. Moritz Sigi
17. 4.5 stories high and 6.5 stories wide
18. Jack Dempsey
19. White City
20. Mary Coyle Chase
21. Copper
22. 1975
23. Littleton
24. 1870
25. Molly Brown
– Lou Grant
Bonus question (tie breaker)
26. 22. But the Real McCoy is on Lookout Mountain.
*The reward herein is your self-reliance.

Trotsky vuelve a allanar en Miami

ESTADO DEL SOL Panhandler – 25 de febrero 2015
León Trotsky, el ex mandamás comunista creía muerto desde 1930, tiene ha identificado en una lavandería de Miami, donde dio un encendido discurso sobre los males del capitalismo y la estática mientras sus calzoncillos estaban secando. Las autoridades locales, avisó a su presencia por un mecánico secador de Ucrania, llegaron tarde a la escena falta el revolucionario de ojos salvajes que habían estado buscando “un barco camaronero de Managua” a principios de esa misma mañana.
“Tenemos la sospecha de algún tipo de operación de lavado de dinero comunista está en los trabajos,” inflado un detective. “Toda la evidencia no está en pero digamos que el Sr. Trotsky fue” lavado “más que sus pantalones cortos.”
Mientras tanto, en Managua, el presidente Daniel Ortega ha condenado la Administración Obama por lo que él llama las intrusiones de provocación en el perímetro de una nación soberana. Ortega dice que Estados Unidos ha empleado quitanieves drones mononucleares en las zonas montañosas cerca de Estelí, donde el último polvo reportado fue en 1915.
En una respuesta cortante, un portavoz del Departamento de Estado negó cualquier conocimiento de drones que dicen que si hay dispositivos mononucleares fueron enviados a Nicaragua se debió a una falta dentro del departamento de compras a través de la CIA.
“No hablamos y la CIA no comparte mucha información con el FBI o de la Administración”, continuó. “La casa no envía información sensible al Senado y el Pentágono mantiene estricto secreto en los documentos clasificados en su bóveda. La NSA está preocupado acerca de las posibles fugas en el IRS y se niega a devolver las llamadas telefónicas. La CIA no confía en la competencia del FBI y la CIA tiene miedo de que el FBI va a micro-administrar los datos y así exponer a los contactos internacionales de larga nutridas. Así es como mantenemos un control estricto “.
Ninguna de las agencias le importaba a comentar sobre cómo y por qué Trotsky estaba en Miami, si en realidad fue incluso Trotsky en absoluto. – Boca Chica Bess