All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

SHIRTSLEEVE ECONOMIST VISITS SLOPE

(Who’s on First National Bank Release — April 25, 2015)

Financial sage and best selling author Harry Skekels was in Montrose Friday to undress the dwindling Full Optimist Club of the Uncompahgre Flood Plain and honored guests from the Disappointment Valley.
In an upbeat pep talk Skekels succeeded in rousing the audience, spilling his tomato soup and almost swallowing a gavel left behind by the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution. Somehow he persevered, getting a very heavy message across to the assembled coherent.
“The key to a grassroots economic recovery is a bulging bank account,” explained the moneyman. “It is true enlightenment in evening clothes.”
Skekels then asked those still moving for their ideas on where their money goes each month, generating snickers into the Jell-O salad and warmed up coffee.
“How?” he bellowed, seriously infringing on the slumber of the assembled. “By refraining from payments, reimbursements, retributions, and the general overhead of daily living. In short, chided Skekels, “continue to rob Peter, as has been the custom, just don’t pay Paul.”
Skekels then went into a lengthy scenario where a family of four stopped going to the grocery, stopped purchasing gasoline, halted payment of utility bills, avoided buying clothing and became real life non-consumers in a mega-consumer culture. He promised his audience that the family saved $53,000 per year on unnecessary expenditures.
“I’m not much on all this hungry romance with the non-essential while ignoring the elements of basic survival,” he smiled. “In more specific terms, we all may have to develop a taste for the scenery.”
Skekels will tour several leading banks today then head off to speak in Paradox on April 31.

Potholes Gobble Up Seasonal Victims

(Hub Doins – Montrose, Colorado – April 25, 2015)
Gaping potholes on local highways have consumed more than 15 victims since the snow melted, according to Harvey Birdseed, Executive Director of Pavement and Drifting for Western Colorado. Among confirmed losses are Alvin Gnatt, 59, of Gunnison and Thelrod Fern-Hinklemann 67 of Delta who fell from a steep ledge while climbing out of particularly carnivorous pothole yesterday.
Mryna Mirth, the former Miss Log Hill Mesa in 1974, and well-known gymnast Princess Irm Peawitt, have been declared missing since not returning to their designated trailer bunker earlier this week.
Other victims are out-of-stators and of no concern to this publication. Each spring hundreds of fatalities are caused by potholes, small, hungry animals that live deep down in the pavement. Waking up from hibernation, dazed and angry, their first bloody thoughts are of a good meal.
The highway department has attempted to eradicate these violent pests by the use of land mines and drones but have only succeeded in displacing civilians. Patch jobs only last through the fall or until potholes resurface with the return of the winds.
In addition to the pothole menace Western Colorado motorists should also be aware that windshield season begins on the full moon. This ultra-unpopular time is characterized by flying rocks and broken glass. Spraying has helped but the insidious problem lies within the ranks of the tiny pebble community that comes alive with the presence of any new windshield in an estimated 50-mile radius.
Experts have thrown in the towel in this one saying that rotating tires and changing one’s oil will do nothing to combat the cracks and chips that accompany this short, yet gruesome season. Night driving has become increasingly dangerous as the pebbles are undetectable and can do damage not discovered until morning.
– Tommy Middlefinger

World could be out of bullets by 2020

(Colona Roundhouse News – April 10, 2015)

     Sources within the local Tri-Lateral Commission project the planet will run out of bullets by 2020. War as we now know it, says the secretive group, might be a thing of the past.
“Bullets have become a part of our very fiber,” said a member who demanded anonymity. I don’t want to be an alarmist but if something isn’t done to correct this oversight we could all find ourselves looking down the barrel of an empty chamber.”
War nets big profits for a small few and without little bullets the entire landscape expands and changes drastically.
“Can we expect angry combatants to go back to fighting with spears and arrows?” he asked, speaking now under the provision of unreliability. “What are they going to do…throw rocks at each other?”
Although no one knows exactly how this crisis emerged it is thought that someone earning minimum wage simply pushed the wrong assembly-line button or filled out an order sheet incorrectly.
“We do not believe this to be a terrorist action,” said the source.
“Man’s integrity will come forth when the time is ripe,” assured another member of the dictatorial commission. How do you think we developed the machine gun or the catapult?”
Ammunition enthusiasts are encouraged to learn new battle skills such as the digging of moats and the employment of hot oil on the parapets. Many smaller militias have already begun training recruits how to hurl pistols and rifles at opponents in hopes of hitting something.
“After all the violence and manipulation we never expected our realm to be threatened by the absence of bullets,” added the source. “I guess we just always thought they’d be there.” – Dag Katz

South Dakota Decriminalizes Tennis

(Bismarck) The athletic crowd, decked out in traditional white garb, sent up a rousing cheer this morning with the official announcement that tennis would no longer be an illegal pursuit in the Land of Infinite Variety.
At 10 am, just after an extravagant brunch, the state senate voted 49-3 to “halt all police actions, arrests and detainments formerly associated with the sport or game of tennis.”
Leading civic groups as well as the Deadwood Chamber of Commerce and the Dakota nation lauded the decision. Even the generally stone-faced Mount Rushmore Four cracked a smile when told of the news.
The legislation takes effect immediately and will be commemorated with a world-class singles match between Serbian Novak Djokovic and Spaniard Rafael Nadal. Both U.S. Open champions are longtime Black Hills aficionados and have close relatives in the South.
Rumors circulating the courts this afternoon suggest that Montana, North Dakota and even Wyoming may follow suit and relax restrictive ordinances and regulations regarding the controversial sport within their borders.
– Joshua Pim

Tés verbales mercado dominan

(Manana) Una revolucionaria combinación de té verbal ha clavado una cuota de mercado de bebidas 35% después de sólo una semana en los estantes. De acuerdo con los magos de té en Terrestres Condimentos, un problema de salud a base de hierbas con sede en Colorado, el impacto inicial fue mayor de lo esperado de salir del armario desnudo por el momento.
“Tés Out ayudarán a las personas a expresar mejor a sí mismos, sus sentimientos, sus límites exteriores”, dijo Howie Chorrera, un vocero de Terrestre. “Como su nombre indica que somos de la tierra, pero mirando hacia el cosmos para nueva dirección, nueva conciencia, nuevos diseños de la bolsita de té.”
Boquilla se apresuró a señalar que Terrestre era de ninguna manera asociado con el Tea Party o cualquiera de sus partidarios.
Según la declaración oficial de la compañía, una sola taza de té verbal notablemente estimulará el uso de un bebedor de palabras de acción y pico su vocabulario oral. En experimentos de laboratorio, los investigadores encontraron que las ratas charlaban con mayor claridad y con cuidado en una conversación con otras ratas después de haber bebido un platillo de té verbal.
“A pesar de estos portadores de enfermedades, roedores destructivos cultivos no tienen lengua escrita, la comunicación dentro de las células y sectas parece bastante suave”, dijo Boquilla “y sofisticado de una manera idiomática muy evolucionado.”
Verbos, de cadáver, son los elementos básicos de la estructura de la oración que proporcionan acción y movimiento – la cafeína de la gramática. Terrestre espera quedarse con un ganador y dejar sustantivos, adjetivos y adverbios para los otros chicos.
Los tés verbales vienen en sabores surtidos y la fonética como Blackberry Tiempo Pasado y el popular Hibiscus Present-Perfect. Las mezclas de té secretas encienden la remota región de la corteza cerebral que se emplea estrictamente para el erotismo tántrico, preparación de impuestos sobre la renta y conjugar verbos.
Todos los tés son totalmente artificial y no contienen sabores naturales o ingredientes. En la tradición de Terrestre, las cajas decoradas en tonos vivos están cubiertas con dichos molestos tales como “No se puede cambiar el mundo, pero usted puede cambiar su ropa interior” y “Hoy es el primer día del desastre de su vida.”
Se anima a los aficionados al té para mantener un ojo hacia fuera para sabia proverbial té esta primavera, una cepa que calma de tés asiáticos y polares que incita a los bebedores a brotar trivialidades mal programadas y fatigosas disfrazados de directivas imperativas y declaraciones inspiradas. No podemos esperar.
– Fred Zeppelin

FISH GET NEEDED BREATHER

(Ridgway-March 25, 2015) Local trout, who have enjoyed the time off over the past month due to the holidays, are ready to get back to work Monday.
“The reservoir is starting to thaw and we expect the ice fishermen to stop fishing for us any day now,” said Ken Kokanee of Colona. “We look this season much like a hockey game. The only difference is that there’s a hole in the ice and half of the participants use fishing poles instead of hockey sticks. Also,” Kokanee spouted, “there’s no puck!”

MATH CORONER

If Governor Hickenloper would have spent his campaign funds on beer instead of all that annoying television advertising this year, how many of the beverages would have been bought for each American over 21 years of age? Would he have gained a larger percentage of the popular vote this way? How would this have affected the electoral college in terms of square roots and all that? Is a gubernatorial candidate expected to provide snacks too?
Write your answers on a bar napkin and send to Math Coroner, Gonad Gazette, Pea Green, Colorado. The first person to answer these gnawing questions correctly will be bitten by a member of our kitchen staff. In case of tie, all winners will be encouraged to run for elected office in 2016.