All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
World could be out of bullets by 2020
(Colona Roundhouse News – April 10, 2015)
Sources within the local Tri-Lateral Commission project the planet will run out of bullets by 2020. War as we now know it, says the secretive group, might be a thing of the past.
“Bullets have become a part of our very fiber,” said a member who demanded anonymity. I don’t want to be an alarmist but if something isn’t done to correct this oversight we could all find ourselves looking down the barrel of an empty chamber.”
War nets big profits for a small few and without little bullets the entire landscape expands and changes drastically.
“Can we expect angry combatants to go back to fighting with spears and arrows?” he asked, speaking now under the provision of unreliability. “What are they going to do…throw rocks at each other?”
Although no one knows exactly how this crisis emerged it is thought that someone earning minimum wage simply pushed the wrong assembly-line button or filled out an order sheet incorrectly.
“We do not believe this to be a terrorist action,” said the source.
“Man’s integrity will come forth when the time is ripe,” assured another member of the dictatorial commission. How do you think we developed the machine gun or the catapult?”
Ammunition enthusiasts are encouraged to learn new battle skills such as the digging of moats and the employment of hot oil on the parapets. Many smaller militias have already begun training recruits how to hurl pistols and rifles at opponents in hopes of hitting something.
“After all the violence and manipulation we never expected our realm to be threatened by the absence of bullets,” added the source. “I guess we just always thought they’d be there.” – Dag Katz
South Dakota Decriminalizes Tennis
(Bismarck) The athletic crowd, decked out in traditional white garb, sent up a rousing cheer this morning with the official announcement that tennis would no longer be an illegal pursuit in the Land of Infinite Variety.
At 10 am, just after an extravagant brunch, the state senate voted 49-3 to “halt all police actions, arrests and detainments formerly associated with the sport or game of tennis.”
Leading civic groups as well as the Deadwood Chamber of Commerce and the Dakota nation lauded the decision. Even the generally stone-faced Mount Rushmore Four cracked a smile when told of the news.
The legislation takes effect immediately and will be commemorated with a world-class singles match between Serbian Novak Djokovic and Spaniard Rafael Nadal. Both U.S. Open champions are longtime Black Hills aficionados and have close relatives in the South.
Rumors circulating the courts this afternoon suggest that Montana, North Dakota and even Wyoming may follow suit and relax restrictive ordinances and regulations regarding the controversial sport within their borders.
– Joshua Pim
Tés verbales mercado dominan
(Manana) Una revolucionaria combinación de té verbal ha clavado una cuota de mercado de bebidas 35% después de sólo una semana en los estantes. De acuerdo con los magos de té en Terrestres Condimentos, un problema de salud a base de hierbas con sede en Colorado, el impacto inicial fue mayor de lo esperado de salir del armario desnudo por el momento.
“Tés Out ayudarán a las personas a expresar mejor a sí mismos, sus sentimientos, sus límites exteriores”, dijo Howie Chorrera, un vocero de Terrestre. “Como su nombre indica que somos de la tierra, pero mirando hacia el cosmos para nueva dirección, nueva conciencia, nuevos diseños de la bolsita de té.”
Boquilla se apresuró a señalar que Terrestre era de ninguna manera asociado con el Tea Party o cualquiera de sus partidarios.
Según la declaración oficial de la compañía, una sola taza de té verbal notablemente estimulará el uso de un bebedor de palabras de acción y pico su vocabulario oral. En experimentos de laboratorio, los investigadores encontraron que las ratas charlaban con mayor claridad y con cuidado en una conversación con otras ratas después de haber bebido un platillo de té verbal.
“A pesar de estos portadores de enfermedades, roedores destructivos cultivos no tienen lengua escrita, la comunicación dentro de las células y sectas parece bastante suave”, dijo Boquilla “y sofisticado de una manera idiomática muy evolucionado.”
Verbos, de cadáver, son los elementos básicos de la estructura de la oración que proporcionan acción y movimiento – la cafeína de la gramática. Terrestre espera quedarse con un ganador y dejar sustantivos, adjetivos y adverbios para los otros chicos.
Los tés verbales vienen en sabores surtidos y la fonética como Blackberry Tiempo Pasado y el popular Hibiscus Present-Perfect. Las mezclas de té secretas encienden la remota región de la corteza cerebral que se emplea estrictamente para el erotismo tántrico, preparación de impuestos sobre la renta y conjugar verbos.
Todos los tés son totalmente artificial y no contienen sabores naturales o ingredientes. En la tradición de Terrestre, las cajas decoradas en tonos vivos están cubiertas con dichos molestos tales como “No se puede cambiar el mundo, pero usted puede cambiar su ropa interior” y “Hoy es el primer día del desastre de su vida.”
Se anima a los aficionados al té para mantener un ojo hacia fuera para sabia proverbial té esta primavera, una cepa que calma de tés asiáticos y polares que incita a los bebedores a brotar trivialidades mal programadas y fatigosas disfrazados de directivas imperativas y declaraciones inspiradas. No podemos esperar.
– Fred Zeppelin
FISH GET NEEDED BREATHER
(Ridgway-March 25, 2015) Local trout, who have enjoyed the time off over the past month due to the holidays, are ready to get back to work Monday.
“The reservoir is starting to thaw and we expect the ice fishermen to stop fishing for us any day now,” said Ken Kokanee of Colona. “We look this season much like a hockey game. The only difference is that there’s a hole in the ice and half of the participants use fishing poles instead of hockey sticks. Also,” Kokanee spouted, “there’s no puck!”
MATH CORONER
If Governor Hickenloper would have spent his campaign funds on beer instead of all that annoying television advertising this year, how many of the beverages would have been bought for each American over 21 years of age? Would he have gained a larger percentage of the popular vote this way? How would this have affected the electoral college in terms of square roots and all that? Is a gubernatorial candidate expected to provide snacks too?
Write your answers on a bar napkin and send to Math Coroner, Gonad Gazette, Pea Green, Colorado. The first person to answer these gnawing questions correctly will be bitten by a member of our kitchen staff. In case of tie, all winners will be encouraged to run for elected office in 2016.
Personal Missiles Target Weapons Market
(Gunsight Pass, March 25, 2015) The American taxpayer has knowingly and unknowingly funded the development and production of highly sophisticated, yet often dysfunctional missiles and missile weapons systems. All the while, the people have clamored for personal missiles of their very own.
Now the fog has lifted on the landscape of personal (anti-personal) armed projectiles for the home and office. Although the Pentagon and other military powerhouses might prefer that the average American stick to handguns, assault rifles, hunting rifles, grenades, mortars, refurbished tanks, submachine guns, harpoons, machetes and those little Swiss Army knives, it appears that there is a crack in their armor.
Pro-weapons groups say the public has a right to launch missiles, keep them in their homes and carry missiles in their vehicles. Many add that since taxpayers foot the army’s tab on everything from paper clips to nuclear bombs and whatever else rolls off the military-industrial complex assembly line, they should have the final say on gun control.
“If I want to carry a missile when I venture out onto the interstate or to the grocery…that’s my business,” said a Denver collector who claims to own over 400 rifles and handguns. “If I want to keep a few missiles around the house for protection that should not involve gov’ment interference. The Constitution provides for my freedom.”
Recently lobbyists for the munitions industry have pushed to make personal missiles available, but only to those over 21. Inducement pirates like these did not specify if the number referred to age or IQ.
“All of these restrictions are communist,” continued the bulletproof collector who asked to remain analogous. “If one is old enough to drive a car, get a tattoo, vote or fight for their country he should be old enough to own a missile or two.”
The most popular consumer models are about the size of a small cucumber but contain the firepower of a 3-megaton rutabaga or a large attack watermelon intentionally dropped from 10 stories onto a strategic objective. Most are fired from a steel-plated toilet paper roll, a hollowed out softball bat or stripped down fountain pen. Earlier models were based on everyday heat-seeking technology that tends to backfire.
Problems mounted with these pioneer weapons when the projectiles veered off course from the intended target (neighbor, neighbor’s dog, someone who looked suspicious, a minority group member running) and detonated on contact with, say, the kitchen stove or the barbecue grill.
Armaments that have repeatedly misfired include Hades, Cobras, Brimstoned, Javelin, Python, Popeye, Stiletto, Thunderbird, Patriot, Apache, Hawk and Swingfire. Experts insist these are too much for most consumers to handle. They suggest that the novice starts with tactical ballistic miniatures or the acceptable “baby cruise missiles” for land attacks and the popular V-1 or the hand-held Yun Feng for nautical or solar battle.
“These newer babies offer improved adaptability resulting in a safer, more varied weapon. The new generation of hand rockets is noise seeking, determining concentric, selected aim by decibel levels rather than blood temperature. These are highly effective on city streets, where they are useful in eliminating offensive music from tedious ghetto blasters and loud rapping while not impacting the norm, you know like mindless metal, painful country or catchy elevator toe tappers.”
In rare cases it may be necessary to confront the offending musical party, thus inducing the target to turn up the volume so that when the launch finally transpires the missile can home in more accurately. The accepted method is to yell in the direction of the perpetrator: “Het dirt bag, do you think you could turn the bass up a bit? I haven’t lost all of my hearing yet. Yeah, that’s better. Thanks.”
Ready, aim, fire.
The soon-to-be-released personal missiles should be available at Radio Hack, Brawl-Mart, Taco Hell and of corpse at Target. Home bound and bed-ridden warriors can obtain the technology through any one of a dozen television offers. There are no background checks and the time of an average transaction is less than 15 minutes.
Meanwhile the clear-headed, closer to the action confirmed reports that the personal missiles would be issued to local police forces so as to insure they are used safely, responsibly and without prejudice.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“How the hell can a person go to work in the morning, come home in the evening and have nothin’ to say.” – John Prine
Weather Wong Again
(Silverton – March 25, 2014)
The Natural Whether Cervix has confessed en masse to the occasional sharing of false or distorted information but now it has become an annual affair. Today the NWC announced that it would simply recycle weather reports in that they are cyclical and often are the same anyway.
People who actually believe in atmospheric predictions have been duped for decades, say meteorologists. How could anyone be so gullible to think we could pull climatic prophesies right out of thin air? Will it snow? It could since it is winter and all. Where do the winds come from? We don’t have a clue. Hell, we can’t see the sun today with all the rain clouds. Even the narrowest plebe could follow the leads and suggestions here.
“Our dartboard weather alerts and zero-based, finite calculations have been dismally inaccurate and, due to budget constraints, we simply can’t afford this kind of luxury in the future,” said the late, legendary Manny Mawrin, former all-pro weatherman from Indiana. “Then it came to us: Why spend all that money monitoring the weather when we could just make it up for about half the cost?”
The forecasters expect to save a considerable chunk of change with this new approach. Recycling will afford the entire lot with more leisure time in which to eat doughnuts and read the sports page. – Susie Compost
