All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Mosquitoes Not Coming
Ridgway, CO — Dutch Charley Naturals — May 25, 2015
Sources here confirmed fears that the seasonal flow of mosquitos will be minimal in the San Juans this summer. Already traditional mosquito hangouts are “less than buzzing” say official sprayers, which indicates a disruption in migratory patters and this fewer pests.
“A lot of your fashion conscious, upwardly mobile parasites are opting for the beach this summer,” said an unconfirmed source in Pleasant Valley. “You can’t blame them since many beach resorts are offering killer deals on rooms and air fares are down.”
(Ed note: Mosquitoes have never been known to purposely fly on airplanes or pay even their part of a hotel room. This said, we will move on to the (hopefully) early end of this story.
“It’s not like we will miss these blood suckers,” said the source, “but they do spend a lot of cash.”
(This too has been questioned since no one has ever seen a mosquito spend as much as a dime on anything.)
Other economic watchdogs insist that the shortages of mosquitoes will not adversely affect the earnings of Colorado businesses in 2015. Saying that the parasites have never had any fiscal impact here, they called the concerns unfounded.
“There are people out there who seek to micromanage their gardens, their lawns, their pets, the birds in the sky and the fish in the rivers. They are a mess. These concerned citizens have gone over the top on the mosquito statistics. Did they count every mosquito to arrive at these conclusions?
“Children keep butterflies in a jar. Sooner or later the butterfly ceases to be amusing and finally smothers,” said Dr. Ed Pink of the Bug-eyed Institute at Pea Green Academy. “Then the same kid goes out and captures a frog or a snake. That’s how our local economy works. Mosquitoes have nothing to do with it. – Dag Katz
Indian Named as new Police Chief
(Coorsville, Colorado – May 25, 2015
In a surprise announcement City Hall has appointed an American Indian, with no previous law enforcement training to act as the new Chief of Police.
“It seemed the appropriate thing to do,” said Mayor Chuck Jalepena from his desk at the Adobe Bar and Grill downtown. “I mean…like…he’s a real Indian and everybody keeps saying we’ve got too many chiefs and not enough Indians around here. Lazy Horse is a genuine chief too. He told me so himself.”
The new lawman, who calls himself Chief Lazy Horse, was at the mayor’s side for a weekly press conference. He had more than a few comments and announced immediate changes within the department.
“I’m going to rid the force of the haircut restrictions. From now one all officers will be required to wear braids and otter skin in their hair,” explained Horse, “and that goes for the women too.”
All deputies will now ride around on horses instead of patrol cars and carry a bow and arrows as the equalizer according to the new boss.
“There will be no more harassment of Indians and Latinos, Blacks, the homeless and other poor people,” he smiled. “From now on the police will be watching the Yuppies an the rich folks in town. We will avoid racial profiling unless the suspect is in a Volvo or Saab. Anyone wearing a suit on the weekend or driving a mini-van with their hair in curlers will be detained.”
Critics of the move say they fear a complete makeover of the county law enforcement entity which has supported their interests since the Little Bighorn.” – Manco Copac
Poets, Actors Driven From National Mall
(Washington – Freedom Team Release – May 10, 2015)
House Republicans today introduced a bill that call s fort he prohibition of “unruly elements” from federal property. If the measure passes in the House and Senate artists, philosophers, writers, poets and actors will be banned during business hours.
Members of these fringe groups must register with Homeland Security and vacate the premises in line with the restrictions proposed.
“It was getting so that lobbyists and limo drivers couldn’t get through the mobs,” said Rep. Orville Teete (R-Ga) who has not been convicted of tax evasion, war profiteering or white supremacy leanings in the past six months.
“When we succeed at ending Social Security, Medicare, Unemployment Insurance and the food stamp programs these types will cease to be an threat to our democracy,” said Teete.
It was not clear if the action precipitates from a controversial change that keeps the Congress open 24 hours a day in 2015.
Meanwhile data has emerged regarding the current names for Washington area airports. According to a last will and testament Pierre LaFonte, the architect of the United States’ capitol, the airports should be named after DC native, Duke Ellington and former Redskins’ quarterback, Sonny Jurgensen instead of Ronald Reagan and John Foster Dulles. LaFonte had stipulated that a great part of his lucrative estate would go toward securing these deathbed directives.
Since the Congress acquisitioned and spent the funds long ago, that governing body appears to have no choice but to yield to the wishes of LaFonte.
Naming our airports after the Duke and Sonny sends a strong message to the rest of the world that the United States has come to its senses and will cease naming crumbling infrastructure after crumbling politicians.
“Naming an airport after a politician is like naming your house after the crook who robbed it,” said one poet, the victim of police fire hoses. “I don’t think my poems are conducive to the master plan.” – Alfalfa Romeo
SHIRTSLEEVE ECONOMIST VISITS SLOPE
(Who’s on First National Bank Release — April 25, 2015)
Financial sage and best selling author Harry Skekels was in Montrose Friday to undress the dwindling Full Optimist Club of the Uncompahgre Flood Plain and honored guests from the Disappointment Valley.
In an upbeat pep talk Skekels succeeded in rousing the audience, spilling his tomato soup and almost swallowing a gavel left behind by the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution. Somehow he persevered, getting a very heavy message across to the assembled coherent.
“The key to a grassroots economic recovery is a bulging bank account,” explained the moneyman. “It is true enlightenment in evening clothes.”
Skekels then asked those still moving for their ideas on where their money goes each month, generating snickers into the Jell-O salad and warmed up coffee.
“How?” he bellowed, seriously infringing on the slumber of the assembled. “By refraining from payments, reimbursements, retributions, and the general overhead of daily living. In short, chided Skekels, “continue to rob Peter, as has been the custom, just don’t pay Paul.”
Skekels then went into a lengthy scenario where a family of four stopped going to the grocery, stopped purchasing gasoline, halted payment of utility bills, avoided buying clothing and became real life non-consumers in a mega-consumer culture. He promised his audience that the family saved $53,000 per year on unnecessary expenditures.
“I’m not much on all this hungry romance with the non-essential while ignoring the elements of basic survival,” he smiled. “In more specific terms, we all may have to develop a taste for the scenery.”
Skekels will tour several leading banks today then head off to speak in Paradox on April 31.
Potholes Gobble Up Seasonal Victims
(Hub Doins – Montrose, Colorado – April 25, 2015)
Gaping potholes on local highways have consumed more than 15 victims since the snow melted, according to Harvey Birdseed, Executive Director of Pavement and Drifting for Western Colorado. Among confirmed losses are Alvin Gnatt, 59, of Gunnison and Thelrod Fern-Hinklemann 67 of Delta who fell from a steep ledge while climbing out of particularly carnivorous pothole yesterday.
Mryna Mirth, the former Miss Log Hill Mesa in 1974, and well-known gymnast Princess Irm Peawitt, have been declared missing since not returning to their designated trailer bunker earlier this week.
Other victims are out-of-stators and of no concern to this publication. Each spring hundreds of fatalities are caused by potholes, small, hungry animals that live deep down in the pavement. Waking up from hibernation, dazed and angry, their first bloody thoughts are of a good meal.
The highway department has attempted to eradicate these violent pests by the use of land mines and drones but have only succeeded in displacing civilians. Patch jobs only last through the fall or until potholes resurface with the return of the winds.
In addition to the pothole menace Western Colorado motorists should also be aware that windshield season begins on the full moon. This ultra-unpopular time is characterized by flying rocks and broken glass. Spraying has helped but the insidious problem lies within the ranks of the tiny pebble community that comes alive with the presence of any new windshield in an estimated 50-mile radius.
Experts have thrown in the towel in this one saying that rotating tires and changing one’s oil will do nothing to combat the cracks and chips that accompany this short, yet gruesome season. Night driving has become increasingly dangerous as the pebbles are undetectable and can do damage not discovered until morning.
– Tommy Middlefinger
