All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Summer Barbecue Safety Course Told
(Montrose, Colorado — January 10, 2015)
Colorado Fishy Game officials have announced the dates for the 2015 Barbecue Safety Corpse sanctioned by someone’s state gov’ment over there on the other side of the Continental Divide.
Anyone born after March 7, 1949 must attend the 80-hour classes and pass a written exam before they can pass an in-state barbecue license ($125 per year). Persons failing to achieve this smoky plateau are NOT IN COMPLIANCE with another one of our unnecessary but strictly enforced regulations.
“Anyone caught burning cash cows will be jailed,” said one well armed ranger from behind that fake tree over there by the wilderness signage.
This year most barbecue enthusiasts must register and show their license to purchase lighter fluid and other explosive devices used in the preparation of dinner. Charcoal is not affected by this new restriction.
“I’ve been cooking steaks on my grill for 60 years,” said Melvin “Big Hat No Cows” Toole, from his cell. “We’re breaking out of here tonight and cooking ribs. We’ve gone underground. The peelers will never find us,” he howled.
The dates for the safety courses are Saturday, June 21, 8 am to 5 pm; Tuesday July 14, 6 pm to 11 pm; and Thursday, August 13, 2015.
The often demanding curriculum will focus on safe use of charcoal, flammable clothing, wet matches, bad language in front of the children and pets (bonus seminar) and alcohol at the grill. Residents wishing to be subjected to this beneficial itinerary are instructed to bring 15 pounds of fresh meat. – Gabby Haze
How to deal with woodsy pests
(Ouray Animals Aren’t People – June 10, 2015
If you are visiting our charming area this summer you may find yourself besieged by a variety of friendly yet bothersome creatures. These can be classified as pests. Some buzz you before the frontal assault and then sit back and laugh (Have you ever heard a hornet laugh?) as the victim breaks out in itches or welts on the exposed ankle or forearm.
Some pests cruise the attic in the middle of the night like rodent bowlers, the last celebrants on a winning team. Larger varieties, when startled, eat people on hiking trails, but only on occasion and only on when the berries and maggots aren’t readily available.
Actually Western Colorado does not have so many pests compared to a paradise such as Louisiana or Arkansas, where critters rule the roost. Dangerous snakes are rare, scorpions, like lepers of old, live in secluded colonies and we just signed a non-aggression pact with the mosquitos.
Even the ferocious Bearded Mushroom Constrictor, common the flatlands of New Mexico and Arizona, has not shown its flushed, tiny face in this country, other than to secure provisions, since 1967.
Without sounding pretentious this newspaper would like to share with you some of the local, and often starkly primitive ways of dealing with these animal-induced inconveniences.
WOOD TICKS – If you happen to notice a wood tick or, for that matter, a non-wood tick crawling your arm or leg do not attempt to remove it by flicking it or smashing it like a common housefly. These parasites are far too smart for that. These must be removed by flame, a cigarette, or alcohol. Any other solution will cause the bastards to bury their tiny, filthy heads into your skin. Then they just hang out until you get lime disease or Rocky Mountain Fever. The merciless disease is particularly ravaging within the white, urban, granola backpacking set that make up 87% of the visitors to the forest in summer. Another Mother Earth approach is to sneak up on the tick and yell loudly into its ear. This causes them to back out of the burrow and flee the scene.
BEARS – The only menacing bear to be found in Colorado is the Grizzly, which doesn’t exist here unless you see one in the woods. Black bear, which make up most of the bruin roster, are generally docile enough but in reality they are bored and often consider frightening a two-legged geek to be a valid pastime. If a bear gets to close do not make eye contact and attempt to make yourself seem larger (like many of the visitors walking around down in town) and make a lot of noise. If this doesn’t work…stand your ground. If that doesn’t work run like hell.
MARMOTS – Although not technically pests these whistle pigs can be an annoyance near your house during an eclectic storm when they attempt forced entry for fear of the lightening. Often they will volunteer to do yard work after the deluge. The truth is that they won’t pick up so much as a leaf and will scatter into the mountains the moment your back is turned. Considered cute by the uninitiated these little woodchucks enjoy climbing into the engine compartment of a new four-wheel-drive and eating all the rubber hoses. Not to be confused with moose which are larger.
HUMMINGBIRDS – Only God knows why anyone would go out and spend up to $25 on a plastic hummingbird feeder, specifically designed to attract these hyper, winged neurotics to their porch or patio. A favored way to ditch hummingbirds is to mix ½ and ½ vodka and sugar water in their feeders. After a few stops the birds either avoid the area altogether or become regulars and lapse into retelling the story of their life or the day’s misfortunes. Do these flamboyant travelers really piggyback on Canadian geese? We would pay good money for a photo of this behavior.
MOSQUITOS – Maybe the sleeper of the group the female mosquito can pass on malaria, encephalitis and other potentially devastating diseases without so much as disturbing your sleep, turning over the freezer or trampling the garden. Only the mosquito, and not even the treacherous Zancudo, has a net named after it…The mosquito net. Mosquitos are universally considered its and they don’t much like that. The experienced woodsman knows to quickly bring up their presence in camp conversation. They hate being talked about. Whispering, laughing and pointing at the mosquito works as well as expensive repellent. Offended buzzers will most likely find another victim rather than be humiliated. Fortunately mosquitos do not bite fools or schizophrenics.
– Marianne Swervof
Mosquitoes Not Coming
Ridgway, CO — Dutch Charley Naturals — May 25, 2015
Sources here confirmed fears that the seasonal flow of mosquitos will be minimal in the San Juans this summer. Already traditional mosquito hangouts are “less than buzzing” say official sprayers, which indicates a disruption in migratory patters and this fewer pests.
“A lot of your fashion conscious, upwardly mobile parasites are opting for the beach this summer,” said an unconfirmed source in Pleasant Valley. “You can’t blame them since many beach resorts are offering killer deals on rooms and air fares are down.”
(Ed note: Mosquitoes have never been known to purposely fly on airplanes or pay even their part of a hotel room. This said, we will move on to the (hopefully) early end of this story.
“It’s not like we will miss these blood suckers,” said the source, “but they do spend a lot of cash.”
(This too has been questioned since no one has ever seen a mosquito spend as much as a dime on anything.)
Other economic watchdogs insist that the shortages of mosquitoes will not adversely affect the earnings of Colorado businesses in 2015. Saying that the parasites have never had any fiscal impact here, they called the concerns unfounded.
“There are people out there who seek to micromanage their gardens, their lawns, their pets, the birds in the sky and the fish in the rivers. They are a mess. These concerned citizens have gone over the top on the mosquito statistics. Did they count every mosquito to arrive at these conclusions?
“Children keep butterflies in a jar. Sooner or later the butterfly ceases to be amusing and finally smothers,” said Dr. Ed Pink of the Bug-eyed Institute at Pea Green Academy. “Then the same kid goes out and captures a frog or a snake. That’s how our local economy works. Mosquitoes have nothing to do with it. – Dag Katz
Indian Named as new Police Chief
(Coorsville, Colorado – May 25, 2015
In a surprise announcement City Hall has appointed an American Indian, with no previous law enforcement training to act as the new Chief of Police.
“It seemed the appropriate thing to do,” said Mayor Chuck Jalepena from his desk at the Adobe Bar and Grill downtown. “I mean…like…he’s a real Indian and everybody keeps saying we’ve got too many chiefs and not enough Indians around here. Lazy Horse is a genuine chief too. He told me so himself.”
The new lawman, who calls himself Chief Lazy Horse, was at the mayor’s side for a weekly press conference. He had more than a few comments and announced immediate changes within the department.
“I’m going to rid the force of the haircut restrictions. From now one all officers will be required to wear braids and otter skin in their hair,” explained Horse, “and that goes for the women too.”
All deputies will now ride around on horses instead of patrol cars and carry a bow and arrows as the equalizer according to the new boss.
“There will be no more harassment of Indians and Latinos, Blacks, the homeless and other poor people,” he smiled. “From now on the police will be watching the Yuppies an the rich folks in town. We will avoid racial profiling unless the suspect is in a Volvo or Saab. Anyone wearing a suit on the weekend or driving a mini-van with their hair in curlers will be detained.”
Critics of the move say they fear a complete makeover of the county law enforcement entity which has supported their interests since the Little Bighorn.” – Manco Copac
Poets, Actors Driven From National Mall
(Washington – Freedom Team Release – May 10, 2015)
House Republicans today introduced a bill that call s fort he prohibition of “unruly elements” from federal property. If the measure passes in the House and Senate artists, philosophers, writers, poets and actors will be banned during business hours.
Members of these fringe groups must register with Homeland Security and vacate the premises in line with the restrictions proposed.
“It was getting so that lobbyists and limo drivers couldn’t get through the mobs,” said Rep. Orville Teete (R-Ga) who has not been convicted of tax evasion, war profiteering or white supremacy leanings in the past six months.
“When we succeed at ending Social Security, Medicare, Unemployment Insurance and the food stamp programs these types will cease to be an threat to our democracy,” said Teete.
It was not clear if the action precipitates from a controversial change that keeps the Congress open 24 hours a day in 2015.
Meanwhile data has emerged regarding the current names for Washington area airports. According to a last will and testament Pierre LaFonte, the architect of the United States’ capitol, the airports should be named after DC native, Duke Ellington and former Redskins’ quarterback, Sonny Jurgensen instead of Ronald Reagan and John Foster Dulles. LaFonte had stipulated that a great part of his lucrative estate would go toward securing these deathbed directives.
Since the Congress acquisitioned and spent the funds long ago, that governing body appears to have no choice but to yield to the wishes of LaFonte.
Naming our airports after the Duke and Sonny sends a strong message to the rest of the world that the United States has come to its senses and will cease naming crumbling infrastructure after crumbling politicians.
“Naming an airport after a politician is like naming your house after the crook who robbed it,” said one poet, the victim of police fire hoses. “I don’t think my poems are conducive to the master plan.” – Alfalfa Romeo
