All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

When GOP Candidates Pushed From Tree, Some Bounce

(Madison, WI — The Perennial Arborist — September 26, 2015)

A majority of Republican presidential candidates bounce when they hit the ground from the 50 to 100 feet categories. After more extended testing and painful failures 67% do not make contact with the cold, hard ground and go splat. The fete champe’tre, sponsored by the upstart Pitchfork Party, relies on catching liars and scalawags who prey on people’s religious fears.

“We seek to replace common everlasting life fears with strong and powerful spiritual understanding and tolerance,” said a spokesperson for the secret society. “We can change the world and out first move is to seize and silence destructive liars and push them out of trees on the weekend.”

Most Pitchfork folk, tired of the repetitious crap disguised as Democracy, lamented that one tree won’t be enough.

“We wanted a symbol, one tree, like Washington’s cherry tree or Nathan Hale’s hanging tree. Maybe an old growth redwood or a nice hemlock would do,” said the grass roots party source.

Although it is clear that the Pitchfork Party cares little whether the offending charlatan bounces or splats it makes for good press.

“We’ll have these fear purveyors on the run when their corps comes to grips with the intensity of Mother Earth, the far from forgiving crust (only 6000 years old) and the trauma of the climb,” added another Pitchfork enthusiast, her face covered with a coffee sack. “We don’t expect to conduct systematic executions but cannot be responsible for what happens between the initial push and the contact with the dirt and rocks below.
Most of the sentenced candidates stop talking with their gods on the way down.
To date Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump, Ben Carson bounced when they hit the ground while Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee and Carly Fiorina did not.

Candidates from the Democratic Party were not included in this sideshow pageant but clearly remain in the sights of the Pitchfork rank and file who, since none has played the Jesus card, are not yet considered panderers of fear and hateful xenophobes.
“If we support any of these candidates and they do not perform as promised we will begin pushing them from their massive bureaucracy in the fall,” said the original spokesperson. “The good of the nation comes long before partisan politics.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

For related banter please turn to Koch Brothers Accidentally Beaten by Police page 49

BORDER PATROL SEIZES MARIJUANA ICE CREAM

La Frontera del Dia  —  September 24, 2015

(Aqua Prieta) The United States Border Patrol has reportedly confiscated some 10 tons of marijuana ice cream in an abandoned panel truck here. The contraband, which had melted down to thick syrup by the time of the seizure, carried a street value estimated at some 2.7 million dollars.

“This is the first time we’ve seen the evil weed in this form,” said one officer, “but we’re not all that surprised since the innovative and the flamboyant smugglers alike are swamped this time of the year.”

The ice cream, stored in small Styrofoam coolers had been packed with dry ice and appeared ready for the long journey north. It was not apparent when the cargo was deserted or if the culprits involved in the illegal transport would be back to rescue their investment.

“Despite all the hoopla about cooperative drug enforcement that one reads in the papers, the Mexican police generally look away as the weather gets hot,” continued the officer. “They prefer to engage in other less taxing law enforcement practices such as shake-downs and car insurance scams, which are far more lucrative.”
The ice cream appears to have been a mixture of Neapolitan and spumoni which has led authorities to believe that organized crime is involved. Several other forbidden fruits or desert desserts were recovered along with the soupy pot. Included were some 15 pounds of chocolate covered hash-laced Colorado Rockies figurines and a six-pack of Coca Cola dated 1923. These items too were deemed inedible due to the exposure to extreme heat in the Sonoran Desert. Despite that sad status all the items mysteriously disappeared moments after the story hit the papers.
-Kashmir Horseshoe

GAY SMOKERS THREATEN SUIT

(Telluride) In a town where frivolous law suits by transients and household pets are not a particularly uncommon occurrence, gay residents have again claimed discrimination. This time the imbroglio centers around smoking ordinances which local gays say are biased.

“All we want are the same rights afforded to anyone else,” said one spokesman for the offended. “We want to smoke where we want to smoke when we want to smoke. We’re not trying to push our lifestyle on anyone else. We just like to light up. The law is killing our right to be free, to be impulsive!”

Proponents of the new town legislation say that there are plenty of places where residents can smoke and that restaurants should remain smoke free. They say the law treats everyone equally and has no bias due to race, gender, creed or sexual orientation.

A preliminary hearing is scheduled for February of 2016.

Still Green Up High For Now

Heavy undergrowth on the Hayden Trail near Ouray   September 23, 2015

Colorado Weapons Ban Widens

Special from The National Trigger Finger – September 10, 2015

Unconfirmed sources at the state capital confirm that an extended ban on assault-related armaments will take affect in October. Most notably sticks and rocks are now verboten, along with dining room furniture and kitchen utensils.
Other taboo minutiae making the roster of banned weaponry are ash trays, table tops, bottles, sharp pencils, sling-shots, water pistols, skillets, rolling pins, Louisville Sluggers, sharpened pork chop bones, sawed off potatoes, sharp tongues, battering corkscrews and hat pins.

Lauding the bi-partisan action several members of the Colorado Senate assured voters that “this slew of new laws should work as well as all the other laws already on the books” in controlling the spread of violence in Colorado.
Pro-weapons groups such as the National Cucumber Association and the mysterious Polyester Enchilada Coalition have pledged to overturn the legislation, which they say is the work of progressives, liberals and Satan.
– Jolly Pena

“One path (before us) leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. I pray we have the widow to choose wisely.”
– Woody Allen

WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT

(September 18, 2015  —  Western Colorado Out in the Forest)

A little bit of jerkwater wisdom, with a shared bath down the hall

It’s better to be born rich than stupid but if the two elements share the main stage the money will surely serve as a great comfort.

Airline food was inspired by hospital food which was itself inspired by train food. Train food first found its inspiration in K-rations. K-Rations…kibble. There is no set cuisine for bus travel.

All Italians want you to think they drive Alpha Romeos and wear $500 sun glasses.

Commenting that the queen of Thailand is “a bit chubby” will upset most Thais and could get you deported.

The drinking community has been decimated by the number of DUIs issued since 1990.

The chances of winning a state lottery are about the same as being struck twice by lightening in a gold mine.

Punctuality is in the eyes of the beholder.

If Iraq held democratic elections today it would be a fundamentalist Muslim state tomorrow.

I’d rather run into a black bear in an alley than a skunk.

The Greek gods and goddesses had it pretty darn good.

It is physically impossible to fill all the handicapped parking spaces in Colorado at one time.

Due to chronic globalization beach ants won’t eat sticky rice on the Andaman island of Ko Lipe.

When the owner of a new SUV spends his evenings delivering pizzas the economy is in for a ride. My other car is a Schwinn.

Ordering the fish special right there on the Mekong River (in front of the fish) is not considered the least bit rude by Laos.

If UN weapons inspectors tried to ply their trade in the US they would get a similar reception as the one in Iran.

Biscuits and Gravy are never mentioned in the Old Testament and, in fact, the dish has Muslim roots. When served beside grits, however, the plate automatically changes its venue to Mississippi.

Elk and bear droppings, while messy, are not a threat to national security at this time. There be a Color Brown alert if the situation worsens?

The United States gov’ment has enough nuclear warheads to hit every square inch of the planet 230 times before anyone has finished his lunch.

It’s really difficult for white men to come to grips with the changes that are right there in front of them. Different status. Groups joining the economy that were once complete underlings.

Dogs are not particularly loyal to other dogs.

Its difficult to make the car payment at a poker table but it sure beats worrying about it.

The best time to embrace adulthood is from 14 -16.

In golf, the value or skill in putting has little to do with stroke, greens or breaks. It has everything to do with putting the little ball into the little hole.

Terrorist is a convenient term that can be applied to corporate murderers as well as murderers motivated by twisted religious interpretations.
– Gabby Haze

Gothic Town Hall in High Summer

It’s business as usual in Gothic, Colorado