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Ask your PGA Pro if your heart is healthy enough for golf

Side effects include headache, sand bunkers, upset stomach,
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For matches lasting longer than 4 hours
call your doctor immediately

By prescription for men with fairway dysfunctions
Individual results may vary.

Fun, Simple Home Experiments

Now even you can create cool chemical reactions right there in the kitchen, the galley or the killing floor. Our professional and cosmic research teams will guide you step by step without many punitive measures or long-lasting emotional damage. Let’s get started.

Goals: We want to make predictions, design and modify our test results to suit the current research market. Ready? Let’s eat!

Postulate: Potatoes can undergo both molecular changes and levels of resistance to pressure. The hard or soft quality of the vegetable will often depend on such outside factors as heat, age, crushing apparatus, hurls and descents from tall structures.

Web page accepts no responsibility for personal injury nor does the participating potato.

You will need: One raw potato of medium size, enough tin foil to wrap potato securely, olive oil for exterior, butter and spices for the interior. Implements include sharp knife, fork for mashing, butter knife and hot pad for retrieval from the oven. Average cooking temperatures can vary (see size of chosen potato section) but a safe temperature is about 400 degrees F.

Hot pads should always be employed for every facet of this experiment!

Part I Choosing the right potato
Although this may seem trying, trite or even tedious the amateur scientist must follow protocol in selecting the correct spud. It should possess non-offensive odor, brown skin (red can be substituted here), minimum blemishes and the stamina to survive the wonders of science.
Now that you have picked the stimulus we must give some consideration of the necessity of indoor cooking this time of the year. The light sensitivity in the preparation parlor should always be consistent with the autumn shadows to avoid minor, yet destructive detonations wherein the potato becomes the aggressive projectile and can do great harm to cooks and bystanders. Some people have trouble manipulating the massed artificial light and risk poking themselves during the Pricking Applications.

Part II The Pricks are essential
After washing the subject, the attentive culinary researcher will excitedly prick the potato with a sharp fork so as to allow some of the natural moisture to escape the spud. Examine the potatoes foreskin. Is it wrinkled or smooth? Thermodynamics demand these little pricks. Then the perforated potato must be placed on the center rack. Watch out that hard to detect starch molecules remain malleable throughout the early stages of probing and into the final meltdown phase.

Part III Sustaining the correct temperature
When initial preparation begins, it is imperative to keep the potato hot. We have found that unheated potatoes are of no use in these tests. In fact, we have discovered that the temperature inside the potato causes the butter to melt more rapidly. The cold potato embodies the adverse affect.
Much of the recent academic investment in this arena has centered on why an unheated vegetable and a hunk of semi-frozen animal protein do not relate. They are incompatible when the nightshade tuber is cold but just watch when the butter is introduced into the mass of steaming spudmeat. It returns to its liquid state as the molecules get very, very excited*. The acceleration diminishes as the cold butter has its way with added condiments mixed together in the classic sand and salt action credited with bringing white people to the beach in ever burgeoning numbers during the summer.

Part IV The standing potato
Once the proper reaction has been created the potato is ready to be dressed and put to bed. While keeping the interior temperature as hot as possible, slice the potato cross ways and push from the bottom until it pops. Try to keep the butter on top for increased control. Quickly add butter, pepper and salt to taste. The extravagant might like bits of garlic while the traditionalist will insist on cayenne and rosemary. The maladjusted often enjoy a sprinkling of chives on the top.** Remember: The Baker is relatively healthy but one can discount that standard by adding sour cream, bacon bits, cheese and/or lard. Least we not forget: the potato has been a delicacy in most of the world since first being used in Peru back before the salsa rage. We have repeatedly observed fine diners picking at their lobster or prime rib in favor of savoring their perfectly baked spud. Further unaccountable stimuli common to diminished mass and premature hardening will be discussed in Political Science 400 next semester.

Now you have mastered this elusive and compelling transition from garden to dinner table. Please be careful when handling hot objects from the oven. When embracing “the old potato down the pants beach enticement trick” be sure to use a potato that has been kept at room temperature for at least twelve hours.

*Be aware: Butter may slide off knife especially when utensil has been heated by contact with the potato. Macro eruptions of the magnitude that buried Pompeii are not covered under most flood insurance policies.

**The more seriously maladjusted might try this experiment with frozen fries or instant mashed potatoes risking serious blasts due to the high level of carbon dioxide and saltpeter contained in these chemical adaptations of food.

Thanks to our friends over at the Police State University lab for the use of their irrigation boots and goggles used to complete this experiment.

Los lugareños advirtieron: Recolectores de llegar esta semana

(Montrose Marble- 25 de agosto 2015)
Los líderes comunitarios advierten todos los ciudadanos aquí para ver sus pertenencias como multitudes desesperadas de recolectores están haciendo poco a poco su camino en el Valle Uncompahgre por su jugueteo estacional. Las cosas siempre parecen subir falta cuando estas turbas-langostas como miserables y persistentes proliferan.
Recolectores, el subgrupo socioeconómico extendida vinculado a los cazadores, como en los Cazadores Recolectores antropológicos y clasificación, se espera que descienda a Colorado occidental tan pronto como la próxima semana. División de Vida Silvestre y Servicios Sociales trabajadores están manteniendo un ojo firme sobre el contingente en mal estado, que por lo general se presenta en quiebra sólo con la ropa que llevaban puesta, en busca de sustancias, partes y piezas, materia para recoger o reunir.
“Los elementos de destino discutidos aquí son aún más refinado y definido como cualquier cosa que no esté bloqueado o atado”, dijo Charles escrúpulos de la Fundación troglodita. “Estos recolectores, aunque no evolucionado por completo a la tarea, se han desarrollado los dedos pegajosos largo de los siglos y son a menudo la voz alta, tipo agresivo.”
Scruples sugiere que los residentes y visitantes mantener un ojo en sus pertenencias, especialmente en las grandes multitudes, estiramientos desiertas y por la noche.
“El acaparamiento es una enfermedad, que no queremos ver curada por una bala”, espetó escrúpulos. “Nos gustaría hacerlo a través de esta difícil la migración sin incidentes”.
En 2014 tres recolectores resultaron heridos cuando se rebelaron en un jardín muy cuidado bien en busca de arveja china. El huerto, propiedad de Warren (Viejo) Pritchard de 33992200772344 carretera al oeste de la ciudad, había sido sondeado descuidadamente la noche antes de permitir tiempo para Pritchard armarse con perdigones para su posterior visita.
Funcionarios Región Zen han anunciado que su organización proporcionaría acampada libre y de agua potable en un intento de aislar y acordonar los recolectores de los visitantes corriente verano.
– Rufus Maxwell

Thousands Trapped Inside TVs

(Gladstone, CO — Cultural Wastelands Press —  August 10, 2015)

Thousands, perhaps more of your favorite broadcast icons are being held prisoner inside television sets it was disclosed this morning. Actors, news anchors, game show entourages, afternoon soap stars, weight-loss gurus and cartoons, held against their will inside the boxes and flat screens are half-starved, deprived of sleep and routinely beaten by media Nazis on both sides of the political spectrum.
“This has little to do with applied politics. It’s more about bondage…bondage and control,” said Edwin Paar, who escaped the clutches of black and white television on the streets of Hollywood in 1956. Paar and others who have returned from depths of a seedy and decadent Television Land tell others of the awful fate that awaits chronic viewers to this day.
“How do you think they get all those fat people onto a flat screen?” asked Paar. “Is something wrong here?”
On-screen slavery followed by internment is more than most can handle. Snippets of information released by sadistic guards, aimed at tormenting already traumatized family members, have indicated that many of the incarcerated do not survive the Spartan lifestyle, expire, and have to be dumped out of the back of the television set in the dark of night.
“The world of bright lights and fantasy seduced them in the first place and now they get a heavy diet of what they thought they were searching for,” quipped Paar, himself a former talk show host who retired before the medium became a monster.
It is feared that many in a position to alleviate the problem are hesitant to take on the powerful television lobby. Several polled insist that a rescue would throw the fragile communications grid into a tailspin, one that it may not allow for recovery.
“We think a lot of these personalities, hacks and front men who have gotten themselves into this mess should get themselves out of it,” quacked Paar. “Besides the terrorists (Can we not call them terrorists?) will certainly shoot the hostages if we attempt a archetypal military assault, whatever that is.”
Authorities had considered stepping in when a series of short films surfaced on Who Tube showing talking heads without legs and a network climatologist forced to make meaningless, sweeping hand gestures far into the night.
Anyone who would like to help these poor unfortunates out of the television sets can send funds to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. Cash only. No pledges. – “Shroom DelFisher

“If all else fails you could always go to work for the gov’ment.”
– General US Grant to Robert E Lee, Appomattox Court House, April 9, 1865

Tailings fetch high prices in Asia

(Special from The Mining and Milling Gazette —  August 10, 2015)

(Hong Kong) Western Colorado tailings, a bi-product of mining, are demanding exorbitant prices in China and Japan where the residue is considered an aphrodisiac.
Ironically the substances are selling for high prices now that the supply has been diminished by cleanups, burials and denials. According to black market sources, a gram of slime or slickens can bring as much as $2000 while it is basically worthless at the point of origin.
While poaching has yet to become an issue, state and federal authorities are on the lookout for criminal activities above timberline.
“The poachers will focus on higher, out-of-the-way places where they can fill their pickups and pockets with the stuff that, these days, has more inherent value than gold.
Sadly for the environment both molybdenum and uranium tailings are even more of a “delicacy” in Taiwan and South Korea. Efforts to control the mining of these elements have been badly crushed with the onset of such improbable profits. It is not clear if this reality will usher in more extractions in this arena.
Entrepreneurs in the United States have begun a powerful ad campaign aimed at convincing the population that the sale of tailings is good for the economy and will not further damage the planet.
“That’s what the oil companies told us about fracking and now look at all the polluted ground water,” said one activist.
The tailings market is estimated to bring in more money than tourism and pot sales combined. Many people in Asia are convinced that the tailings enhance and improve sexual performance in both male and female consumers.
“Sure it can get messy but with the state of the deficit I think we can make an exception here,” said one Congressional petroleum puppet. “It is rare when we have the opportunity to profit by selling something that we have identified as toxic.”
Local leaders have considered posting armed guards at various tailings ponds in the region. Others insist that the opportunity to purge us from this lingering blight should not be overlooked, especially at $56,000 an ounce.
– Uncle Pahgre

Many in GOP see Ronald Reagan Jr. as candidate in 2016

(Begone Nancy, CA  —  Jelly Bean Express  ––  August 10, 2015)

(South Oak, Pretty Trees Reserve) Many influential voices within the Republican Party have whispered the name of Ronald Reagan Jr. in a presidential ramifications context for 2016.
Frustrated delegates, certain that name recognition might alone pull 20% of the vote, have secretly pledged their support for a ticket featuring the former President’s son. They say they “will need a united front to pull this one off and are starting early.”
“The Bushes do it, the Clintons do it. Even the Roosevelts had a hand in the name game although often from two different sides of the political fence,” said Dr. Wishbone T. Jonez, a fellow at Cal Amari. and Secretary of Coastal Artichoke Mobility Corps here.
“Why shouldn’t we play the trump card?” he smiled. “I’m voting for Ron.”
Jonez, a marginalized Latino, did not comment when asked if he had heard that Homer Simpson had been tapped as possible running mate by a Corporate Power Rules, a think tank in Florida, until recently a shadow organization.
“All I know is that CPR now owns drilling rights in most of the Everglades and plans to build a pipeline to Havana from our American Keys,” said Jonez. I had very little to do with all that other than making sure everyone got their checks on time.”
Ronald Reagan Jr., who had successfully disappeared from the public eye, was not available for comment in that he was away at a ballet academy function. Reporters will continue to harass him when he returns home Thursday.
“The focus on name recognition is particularly disconcerting when one considers the status of the American voter who often votes against his self-interest,” said former snake representative, Marilyn Mobley, a voter behavior expert from the Bronx. who is now camped in Iowa waiting for the Primary hoopla to begin.
“The concept of the Big Picture never materializes. We focus on one issue only or obsess on petty and concocted needs never stopping to see the Big Lie, that we need the corporations, the politicians, the police and the taxman. The simple matter is that we could do better without any of these but only if we change our consciousness.
When asked if Homer Simpson was a valid vice presidential candidate most party poopers avoid eye contact and beg off on the question. Not so Jonez.
“Simpson is electable if only because he clearly represents a segment of American males who think like him, act like him and in may cases look like him as well,” chipped Jonez. “The other 25% will go for Ron.”
Attila Diggins