All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Woman Rescues Moose From Pool
(Miller Mesa — Ridgway Follies — October 30, 2015)
Olivia Tinkleholland was just out for a quick swim in the backyard when she claims she heard cries for help. A storm was brewing and a large Bull Moose was having trouble treading water in her tiny swimming pool.
“He was struggling then he completely disappeared from view. I knew I had to act,” said the reluctant hero.
Despite raging torrents and record waves she dove in and swam to the rescue. Repeatedly diving below the surface and wrapping her exquisite body around the drowning animals’ torso she finally managed to pull the 900-pound to dry land.
Olivia Tinkleholland Consoles New Moose Friend on Dry Land Once More
Adrenaline pumping, she dragged the waterlogged beast out of harm’s way.
“I held his head back out of the water and latched on with my arms around his neck,” she said. Once we were out of the pool he seemed to relax, to trust me,” she sighed. “It’s a good thing I kept up with my moose to moose resuscitation techniques.”
Tinkleholland exhibited her well-documented “wicked kick” in order to bring the animals back to its senses. Exhausted she still maintained the prudence and clear presence of mind to skillfully scan the water for other creatures in peril. Seeing that all was well she returned to the moose and comforted him until authorities arrived.
“It’s funny that the woods are full of hunters looking for a moose and I found a new friend in my own backyard,” she smirked.
A sheriff’s deputy told The Horseshoe that while moose sightings of this kind are rare they do happen and everyone must be on the alert.
“No one should be surprised at what the run-off might bring, even this time of the year.
Meanwhile happy ending henchmen down in town are suggesting that Tinkleholland is a seriously out of touch with reality and that the moose did not need rescuing.
– Uncle Pahgre
Vegetarians Who Hunt
(Special from Field and Spleen — October 24, 2015)
This year Western Colorado will see record numbers of vegetarians traveling here to purchase hunting licenses. For some, like Herb Gardener, owner of the Mother Earth Root Salad Patio in Los Angeles, Ca., it was the repetition of the often-heard maxim; Hunting is good for the health and strength of deer and elk herds.
“We live in L.A. so of course we have a lot of guns,” said Herb. “And we really enjoy shooting guns. This seemed like a way to use my arsenal for something positive. Yesterday while I was stalking a buck I could just feel the positively charged ions in the air. It was like the deer were saying, “Thank you Mr. Gardener.”
For others the motivation is different. Skip Townsend, a hunter from San Francisco explains, “Eating meat definitely offends me. When I see people eating burgers I just want to smash their heads because they are so inhumane. I don’t even eat animal crackers. But man, I love hunting. I crave the challenge, the chase, the feel of cold steel and the smell of gunpowder. I want to get a big old bull elk; of course, this year I hired three veterinarians to go with me to doctor any animals I shoot. It’s very expensive but I don’t want to kill any animals, I just want to hunt.”
– Harold Forth
Road Kill Employed as Speeding Deterrent
(Tales of the Organic – October 17, 2015)
(Montrose) Herd animals hit by cars on the highways this season will be left where they fell for up to three weeks as a stark reminder aimed at people who drive too fast. The DOW, in cooperation with local authorities, will not only discourage swift cleanup of all road kill, but in some cases may move the carnage to high traffic areas or other strategic spots throughout the region.
“We hope a pile of road kill here and there will prevent a pile of vehicles,” said a state spokesperson.
“Although it sounds like a pretty good idea to me, we deny the whole thing,” said Ranger Sparky Muffinsite who added that if the experimental concept were to be adopted, most activity would have to take place after dark so as to minimize suspicions on the part of an already dubious public.
Utah and New Mexico have already adopted the approach, eyeballed as a radical measure by many outside the sagebrush circle.
Old truck waiting for the snow in Lake City
Out of service service truck (October 8, 2015)
Dow Operative Loses 18 Elk in Poker Game
(Gunnison — Beyond Sage Hens — October 7, 2015)
A veteran Division of Wildlife officer has reportedly lost 18 Colorado elk in a high-stakes poker game concluded early this morning. Details of the illegal transaction were sketchy although wildlife officials confirmed that the elk are missing as of lunch hour.
“It wasn’t planned this way,” gulped DOW suspect John Doe, who, in addition to losing the elk dropped another $600 on the table. “How did I know that Utah boy had a queen underneath?”
The current location of the hijacked herd animals is not known although police believe they are in the custody of a skinny cowboy from Jackson, Wyoming, who now makes his home in the Bee Hive State.
“He won the money and the elk hands down said a shattered Doe, who has been suspended indefinitely from his rock grooming position with the state.
Red-faced DOW bosses remained poker-faced when the embarrassing but hilarious story hit the wires. They have reportedly locked down all operations normally conducted this time of the year and are conducting mandatory urine analysis on anyone caught out in the woods after dark. The tests are meant to determine if other employees are chemically dependent on games of chance.
“I don’t know about all this ruckus over a few head of lousy elk,” cried an angry Doe. “It was just a friendly neighborhood game. I’ll probably win the elk back next Saturday night.”
One DOW bigwig told The Horseshoe that he would have preferred the losses had come in April and not October.
“The springtime is the season when they would be least missed. I’ve got 200,000 hunters arriving next month to harvest elk. What if I’m 18 animals short?”
Conjecture over at Red’s Barber Shop, often the bottom line on matters of culture and national security suggested that the feds were improperly uptight due to plans to move elk and deer herds to DOW headquarters in Denver where officials there can keep a better eye of their wards.
Doe has until the weekend to return the elk or face criminal charges in addition to his curt dismissal. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Sneffels Unequalled
Her majesty Mount Sneffels waiting for winter (October 2, 2015)
