All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Northern Lights Spur Witch Hunts
(Salem, MA Broom Makers Gazette March 13, 2016)
A sunning display of the Northern Lights, stuck in an odd configuration with the anniversary of the infamous Salem Witch Trails has prompted violence here. Bands of frantic citizens have seized witches, threatening to do them bodily harm unless “the big lights go away”.
The mobs, made up of puritan radicals and undergraduate economic majors at Harvard, have beetled police for three nights whenever the lights make a cameo appearance.
Attempts to explain the phenomenon in laymen’s terms have failed miserably when crazed hordes shouted down astrologists and TV news professionals from as far away as Gloucester and Marblehead. Cars have been tuned over and citizens attacked with brooms by horrified dregs fearing Armageddon. Sources say over 200 witches and warlocks remain detained as some sort of flimsy defense against what opportunist demagogues are calling “those yonder demonic lights”.
Police are currently sealing off the downtown area and no reported barbecues have taken lace within the town limits but as night fell it is anyone’s guess if the current panic will swell or subsist.
The Northern Lights are expected to revert to centuries old patterns and will most likely disappear by the weekend.
“Until you witness a which hunt you don’t realize the ferocity of group stupidity,” said one officer.
Cow Tipping Championships Draw Throngs
(North Platte, Nebraska — Bovine Olympics XXXVII — February 24, 2016)
The 2016 World Cow Tipping Championships are in full swing this week with a large portion of the population of Nebraska in attendance. The final four teams, survivors of a grueling eight weeks of strategic pasture charges, will compete this weekend defined by the categories of speed, style, aptitude and gross weight of the object (s) tipped.
Cow Tipping has flourished in Nebraska since the turn-of- the 19th Century. Residents looking for some fun after the Cornhusker season, embraced the sport like a crow takes to road kill. Quickly one could observe a cache of amateur tippers readying themselves for the physically pounding competition. They size up their targets, usually after dark, stalking the beasts that are still finishing their dinner.
Then out of the depths of hell comes the eerie scream, the savage charge…splat…whomp…wham! A two-hundred pound human hurling himself at a 2000-pound Hereford, hoping to knock the cow from its hooves and onto the ground for a point.
Most cow tippers are former pigskin standouts prepared to match wits with the shrewd bovine. As any experienced cow tipper will confirm the sport looks a lot easier from the grandstands. A pert, common evasive move, or potential hostility can result in the athlete face down in manure.
“Most of these animals do not face a particularly promising future,” said Red Poppy, recognized as a minor deity in cow tipping circles. “Our sport allows them a few moments of pride before we start the barbecue fires. We don’t hurt them. We just tenderize them a bit.”
A promising vegan event has yet to materialize since vegetarianism (illegal in the Midwest) remains a controversial status and nobody has signed up for the projected Cheese Trails.
It is estimated that 5.3 million Nebraskans out of a population of 5.4 million have engaged in cow tipping at least once in their flatland lives. In the western half of the state, where access to cheap alcohol is less restrictive, about 20% engage in cow tipping one or twice a week after work. In Lincoln the varsity football team has discarded the traditional tackling dummies in honing their skills on the hapless Elsies and Ferdinands.
“If you can bring down a sedentary milk cow you can damn sure tackle a Big Ten running back,” said Poppy.
Meanwhile in the rural communities of Montrose and Delta the sport is slow to catch on since most prospects balk at the thought of tipping anything or anyone.
The double-elimination trials, as well as the final nail-biting matches, are strictly regulated by the Black Angles Bovine Full-Contact Federation. All rights to abandoned hamburger are reserved.
-Susie Compost
“In Ireland they have the Dublin School of Rock and Roll. In France Bruno the Lion continues as Charge de Mission Pour le Rock et les Varietes with full cabinet status. He is referred to warmly as Monsieur Rock. Meanwhile in the United States we have no Minister of Culture at all. We name our airports after Ronald Reagan, George H. Bush and the Dulles Brothers instead of Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley. What is the problem here?”
– Little Richard
Colombia’s “Shire” in Antioquia
At any moment I expect Bilbo or Frodo to come walking out into this Latin Hobbit land. Gandolf would approve. They would be speaking Spanish, of course, in Jardin. (February 20, 2016)
Magpies Land Lucrative Contract
(Spit Gulch, CO — Birdland Blues Bulletin – February 16, 2016)
The International Brotherhood of Asphalt Custodians has announced the finalization of a three-year highway janitorial agreement between Local Magpies Union #611 and the Colorado Division of Transportation. The contract states that the state will employ the large scavengers to keep its highways and arteries free of edible debris and road kill.
The current agreement, dating back to 2009, is hereby terminated with the signing of this more secure and lucrative pact, which stipulates exactly what is to be picked up by highway workers and what is to be picked at by magpies.
The birds will earn $10 per hour, the projected minimum wage for Colorado. The bond made no mention of further cost of living allowances, however legal access to and possession of first kill and the ability to appoint magpie supervisors swayed the last hesitant flocks from the provinces (Western Slope), who agreed to the terms just this morning.
The question of high-grade booty, now resolved, has been a bugaboo in Right to Work States where incomes and quality of living have suffered while employers have posted increased profits. In Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, no champion of the workingman, allegedly uses the magpies for target practice. He recently served magpie at a dinner hosted for his masters the Koch Brothers.
Conflicts with refuse engineers and other collection technicians as to treasures to be found on the highways have subsided as it has become quite clear that there is amply garbage and waste for all. The trash men get first shot at discarded furniture or auto parts while the magpies get the road kill. Competition for state highway cleanup positions has increased dramatically along with the deer and elk population and the human impact on highways built for 1975 traffic flow. Although the presence of smaller cars and more traffic has led to more victories for large animals like moose and bear, the road kill tonnage has remained the about same since the state began keeping records in 1940.
Christmas bonuses, a big deal to magpies, will continued to be paid in skunks, chipmunks, rabbits and prairie dogs. Which one to eat first is still the prerogative of the brotherhood. – Lawrence Elk
Russian Defector Likes Western Slope
(Montrose — Streets of Minsk — February 2016)
Kaslov Yowski has been in town for just a week but already he has learned to speak passable English, found employment and opened a bank account. The “defector”, a former opposition leader in Russia, saw the writing on the wall after the Ukraine fiasco and the Crimean occupation (?)
After threatening to release photos of several KGB agents with livestock, Yowski flew took advantage of the impending confusion and flew to Kiev where he was welcomed as a hero. Then, wearing nothing but his winter fatigues, he stowed away in a Swedish freighter carrying Volvos to the United States.
“He wanted to get as far away from Russia as possible,” said sponsor Marlena Ethabarron. “He gets along well with other people.”
Etchabarron, a retired sloth wrestler from Miami, said Yowski had hoped to meet real cowboys like Ronald Reagan and Roy Rogers when he arrived in America.
“He didn’t know they were both departed,” smiled Etchabaron. “News travels slow in some circles.”
That’s when he met Etchabarron who filed the necessary paperwork to keep Yowski in the country until his refugee status could be further determined. The two traveled across the country landing in Durango where the couple managed a convenience store and worked as bouncers at a host of local bars.
In the daytime Kaslov sat on Main Avenue clutching his AK-47 which led to confrontations with police and an invitation to leave town. The couple headed north to the Badlands of San Juan County, where, as Yowski had heard, “anything goes.”
After a few nights in Silverton they headed to Montrose for warmed weather. Most residents say he is welcome there. His optimism seems, along with the latest flu virus, to be quite contagious.
“It is common practice for us to conduct an interview directly with people like Yowski,” said an under-editor at The Horseshoe, “but our only staff member fluent in Russian was fired during the McCarthy Hearings in 1951.”
– Ivan Sonovavitch Jr.
Bienvenidos a Hotel Atenas!
A warm enthusiastic Paisa welcome is in store at Hotel Atenas in Jerico, Colombia. Here we observe Zeus, the family bulldog keeping a keen eye on things on a warm afternoon. (David de los Andes photo). February 12, 2016.
