All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
“The Greatest” RIP
Boxer Cassius Clay, later known as Muhammad Ali, playfully hits The Beatles while at his training camp. From left to right: Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Ringo Starr, and George Harrison.
Bunker Reruns Making Impact
(Bland Valley — Television and Trivia — June 5, 2016)
Ever since local television has been presenting reruns of Norman Lear’s All in the Family, an ultra-popular weekly series originating in January of 1971, the lead character Archie Bunker has been getting a lot of attention. Surprisingly, a vast majority of viewers strongly relate to the fictitious Queens factory worker/philosopher, played to acclaim by Carroll O’Connor.
Many, who have trouble separating real life from, life portrayed on the TV screen, classified the program as drama rather than comedy.
Of the 400 people surveyed 325 thought Archie was a reasonable man at an unreasonable time. They say he was just a good guy trying to make a living. 80% said the Bunker family was highly functional. Most agreed that they would share a beer with Bunker. Six people said they thought he would make a good President.
In an impromptu man-on-the-street poll 93% said that even if they did not completely agree with the character they could understand his line of thinking from 45 years ago. Of the males interviewed a whopping 96% said they wish their wives were more like Edith. Most added that they would never allow a liberal son-in-law in their homes.
Cultural despots conducted further audits throughout Western Colorado but the findings were stifled when some pinko meathead dingbat lost the statistics.
– Lionel Stivic
POLICE REPORT
All statistics point to one striking phenomenon: Crime is on the rise. OK maybe murders in New York and New Orleans are down but there’s still a lot of petty thieves, cheap crooks and sticky-fingered thugs roaming about. The good news is that there are always cop jobs in the paper and fodder for journalists writing silly columns like this one.
A swarm of trash birds attacked several harmless ice climbers just south of Ouray. Police responded and shoed the ravens and their entourage toward Silverton. Nobody was injured but one woman, Emily DesPlants, of Boulder, complained of white stains on her parka. Later the same day police confiscated planet-friendly weapons of mass destruction stockpiled in Box Canyon by militants dedicated to ridding the area of the pests.
Montrose police arrested Zorro DesPlants on charges of menacing and destruction of private property. Apparently the former orchid tender has developed an elaborate plot to cover world trouble spots with Astroturf. At the time of the arrest he was attempting to cover the Bland Valley. He may be charged with mail fraud, attempted blackmail and extortion just for fun.
A Ouray woman DeLuna McQueen was seen attempting to break into a local spa while unclothed. When police approached the suspect she began screaming at them. Police departed the scene only to return hours later to find Ms McQueen quite composed, quietly reading and this time fully dressed. A warning was issued after complaints by local mule deer who were distracted from nightly rounds by the intrusion. Eye witnesses were given a pat on the head and instructed to go back to sleep.
Amelia DesPlants, of Sapinero was arrested Friday on charges stemming from bogus dog obituaries run in a Crested Butte paper. Despite her tearful confession police opted to leave her in her windy trailer until spring. DesPlants is a suspect in acts of vandalism against USA Decay newspaper stands from Cimarron to the gates of Parlin. Moments after police exited Sapinero they picked up the half-brother of their first suspect, charging him with attempts to recapture his youth. According to the arresting officer Warlo DesPlants had dug a large tiger pit across Highway 50 and was hiding in the bushes with a nylon net over his shoulder. He is expected to plead insanity.
Telluride marshals have incarcerated Ruthie Roosterson, formerly Ruthie DesPlants in connection with the theft of a 200,000 square foot trophy home from the Mountain Village. Roosterson, a local cadre chef, insisted she was in Cortez at the time of the heist. A quart-appointed attorney told reporters at the jail that his client would claim political prisoner status and that she may have diplomatic immunity due to the presence of Leap Years.
May 22, 2016
Jai Alia National Pastime For Many
(Corral Gables — The Devil’s Picture Book — May 21, 2016)
The sport of Jai Alai was voted the most popular spectator sport in a poll conducted by gambling interests here. Long associated with wagering and speed, the sport has often been played without an audience with large bets placed on the outcome.
Its rise in popularity is credited in part to the sterling success of casino lacrosse, a perverted version of the old Native sport. Casino lacrosse emerged in Colorado along with limited stakes gambling in the 1990s and legal marijuana in 2013.
Spectator sports rank high in every poll indicating that Americans are becoming even lazier. Preferring to watch rather than participate, a serious indication of lower intelligence, most people felt that watching was less dangerous easier on the individual attention span. Today casinos offer televised matches of the sport for those too lazy or distracted to pick up a hand of playing cards.
– Gabby Haze
Fascinating Facts
(From the Pea Green Answer Man — Dry Creek Gazette — May 9, 2016)
In Breckenridge, Colorado one must walk a mile out of town to purchase a package of condoms while the same person can purchase a condominium in the restroom at almost any restaurant of bar.
If Brooklyn Dodger owner Fulgencio Batista had only renegotiated the contract of lawyer Fidel Castro in 1956 he might have stayed out of politics altogether and become one of the greatest pitchers ever to play baseball.
If everyone stopped buying life, health and auto insurance in little time nobody else would need it.
Mt Sneffels was named for legendary Yiddish stand-up comedian Marvin Sneffels who performed two shows a summer night for tourists at the base of the peak. His 58-year run ended with his untimely death in 2015.
The deadly Black Widow spider prefers the outhouse to the hen house when settling into a summer home in the mountains. The aesthetics of off-he-grid living, without the conveniences of the 21st Century do not much impress the Brown Recluse variety either.
The Obama Administration sent over 4000 recreational vehicles to Afghanistan to be given away to allies of the United States government. At last check 3900 were still garaged in a secret location in Kabul awaiting shipment.
The White House was once a bed and breakfast prior to the War of 1812 when the British burned it down. After the conflict the mansion was rebuilt and designated as a Presidential residence, a status that it holds today. Although the lodging function is old business the place reportedly serves a nice hot lunch on weekdays.
Local Map Maker Realigns Planet
(Ridgway, CO Fun With Geography April 6, 2016)
Little Elkview Wannamaker has succeeded in changing the world, at least on paper. The spunky 2-year-old, a prodigy cartographer, decided that for fun he would connect South America and China by an extended land mass borrowed from Canada and running through the Tropic of Cancer.
When he had finished placing every tiny Pacific island in place even Amerigo Vespucci wouldn’t have recognize the place.
According to the Society For the Preservation of Superstitions and the Brotherhood of Physical Geographers this exercise proves that the world is flat.
“This is complete nonsense,” said a spokesman for the latter organization. “Some little kid with a crayon cannot change the position of countries, much less entire continents.”
Meanwhile trade is brisk with Colombia and Peru benefitting from the wide-open coffee market in China, while former ports, Shanghai and Hong Kong saw record exports of manufactured goods to South America.
“What had to be shipped across an ocean can now be delivered right to the door of the consumer,” said Zxing Taosace, of Communist China’s Capitalist Yangtze Press.
“The money saved on these transactions will be used to build a footbridge across segments unsafe for negotiation.”
Chain store addicts in the United States are angry that they have been left out of the lucrative shopping opportunities but many could not locate the continents involved on their cell phones.
– H.L. Menocken
