All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

POLICE REPORT

All statistics point to one striking phenomenon: Crime is on the rise. OK maybe murders in New York and New Orleans are down but there’s still a lot of petty thieves, cheap crooks and sticky-fingered thugs roaming about. The good news is that there are always cop jobs in the paper and fodder for journalists writing silly columns like this one.

A swarm of trash birds attacked several harmless ice climbers just south of Ouray. Police responded and shoed the ravens and their entourage toward Silverton. Nobody was injured but one woman, Emily DesPlants, of Boulder, complained of white stains on her parka. Later the same day police confiscated planet-friendly weapons of mass destruction stockpiled in Box Canyon by militants dedicated to ridding the area of the pests.

Montrose police arrested Zorro DesPlants on charges of menacing and destruction of private property. Apparently the former orchid tender has developed an elaborate plot to cover world trouble spots with Astroturf. At the time of the arrest he was attempting to cover the Bland Valley. He may be charged with mail fraud, attempted blackmail and extortion just for fun.

A Ouray woman DeLuna McQueen was seen attempting to break into a local spa while unclothed. When police approached the suspect she began screaming at them. Police departed the scene only to return hours later to find Ms McQueen quite composed, quietly reading and this time fully dressed. A warning was issued after complaints by local mule deer who were distracted from nightly rounds by the intrusion. Eye witnesses were given a pat on the head and instructed to go back to sleep.

Amelia DesPlants, of Sapinero was arrested Friday on charges stemming from bogus dog obituaries run in a Crested Butte paper. Despite her tearful confession police opted to leave her in her windy trailer until spring. DesPlants is a suspect in acts of vandalism against USA Decay newspaper stands from Cimarron to the gates of Parlin. Moments after police exited Sapinero they picked up the half-brother of their first suspect, charging him with attempts to recapture his youth. According to the arresting officer Warlo DesPlants had dug a large tiger pit across Highway 50 and was hiding in the bushes with a nylon net over his shoulder. He is expected to plead insanity.

Telluride marshals have incarcerated Ruthie Roosterson, formerly Ruthie DesPlants in connection with the theft of a 200,000 square foot trophy home from the Mountain Village. Roosterson, a local cadre chef, insisted she was in Cortez at the time of the heist. A quart-appointed attorney told reporters at the jail that his client would claim political prisoner status and that she may have diplomatic immunity due to the presence of Leap Years.

May 22, 2016

Jai Alia National Pastime For Many

(Corral Gables — The Devil’s Picture Book — May 21, 2016)

The sport of Jai Alai was voted the most popular spectator sport in a poll conducted by gambling interests here. Long associated with wagering and speed, the sport has often been played without an audience with large bets placed on the outcome.

Its rise in popularity is credited in part to the sterling success of casino lacrosse, a perverted version of the old Native sport. Casino lacrosse emerged in Colorado along with limited stakes gambling in the 1990s and legal marijuana in 2013.

Spectator sports rank high in every poll indicating that Americans are becoming even lazier. Preferring to watch rather than participate, a serious indication of lower intelligence, most people felt that watching was less dangerous easier on the individual attention span. Today casinos offer televised matches of the sport for those too lazy or distracted to pick up a hand of playing cards.

– Gabby Haze

Fascinating Facts

(From the Pea Green Answer Man — Dry Creek Gazette — May 9, 2016)

In Breckenridge, Colorado one must walk a mile out of town to purchase a package of condoms while the same person can purchase a condominium in the restroom at almost any restaurant of bar.

If Brooklyn Dodger owner Fulgencio Batista had only renegotiated the contract of lawyer Fidel Castro in 1956 he might have stayed out of politics altogether and become one of the greatest pitchers ever to play baseball.

If everyone stopped buying life, health and auto insurance in little time nobody else would need it.

Mt Sneffels was named for legendary Yiddish stand-up comedian Marvin Sneffels who performed two shows a summer night for tourists at the base of the peak. His 58-year run ended with his untimely death in 2015.

The deadly Black Widow spider prefers the outhouse to the hen house when settling into a summer home in the mountains. The aesthetics of off-he-grid living,  without the conveniences of the 21st Century do not much impress the Brown Recluse variety either.

The Obama Administration sent over 4000 recreational vehicles to Afghanistan to be given away to allies of the United States government. At last check 3900 were still garaged in a secret location in Kabul awaiting shipment.

The White House was once a bed and breakfast prior to the War of 1812 when the British burned it down. After the conflict the mansion was rebuilt and designated as a Presidential residence, a status that it holds today. Although the lodging function is old business the place reportedly serves a nice hot lunch on weekdays.

Local Map Maker Realigns Planet

(Ridgway, CO Fun With Geography April 6, 2016)

Little Elkview Wannamaker has succeeded in changing the world, at least on paper. The spunky 2-year-old, a prodigy cartographer, decided that for fun he would connect South America and China by an extended land mass borrowed from Canada and running through the Tropic of Cancer.

When he had finished placing every tiny Pacific island in place even Amerigo Vespucci wouldn’t have recognize the place.

According to the Society For the Preservation of Superstitions and the Brotherhood of Physical Geographers this exercise proves that the world is flat.

“This is complete nonsense,” said a spokesman for the latter organization. “Some little kid with a crayon cannot change the position of countries, much less entire continents.”

Meanwhile trade is brisk with Colombia and Peru benefitting from the wide-open coffee market in China, while former ports, Shanghai and Hong Kong saw record exports of manufactured goods to South America.

“What had to be shipped across an ocean can now be delivered right to the door of the consumer,” said Zxing Taosace, of Communist China’s Capitalist Yangtze Press.

“The money saved on these transactions will be used to build a footbridge across segments unsafe for negotiation.”

Chain store addicts in the United States are angry that they have been left out of the lucrative shopping opportunities but many could not locate the continents involved on their cell phones.

– H.L. Menocken

GAELTACHT

Driving left of logic
on that mean, misty roundabout
leftover pubs of our roots
four-corpse fried full breakfast to boot
no way to cheat the grave.

It’s one regular Celt cult over here
splashed Eire green, beaches of pebbled priorities
milk skin, freckles and blue eyes.
Ages of breaths held, taken
then released along the boreen.

Blood relatives rolling chimes off lips
famine ships a plenty
brandished by the paths of armies
and mythologies dispatched
by vigilant moss, cutting sea breezes.

Harbor in tears, crashing waves
judged too soon by Cranberry Druids
Risings gone down to deceit.
Land of emigrant departures
Fenian convicts on the Celtic Sea.

James Connolly murdered, May 12th, 1916
said Rosie Hackett
“Changed, changed utterly –
The Terrible Beauty”
The Brotherhood, The Volunteers.

Endless red cavalry stopped
in its tracks by angry fir
with only 1798 pikes against artillery
potato stars and mad mornings.
Easter Monday coming down.

And the lough came into the sitting room
for scones and afternoon tea.

Boatloads of vanquished Blasket Islanders
victims of a fishless ocean
drift toward the rocky An Daingean
Refugees from Europe’s most westerly isles
on to the pretty lanes of Ballyferiter

Paddy’s last name is O’Flaherty
It’s been spoken for time
on the salty, sea lips of liberty.
His whiskey pot still
his days a crisp parity.

Proud angry gods demand their revenge
Kilts and pipes and the rifles of Banna Strand
The blood of Connelly, Padriac and Casement.
The soul of Yeats festering for 800 years…
Brave men hanging dead in London and Kilmainham.

England, you cruel hearted monster
you seek a peasant multitude
but none came forth
but a tri-colored ribbon emerged
cutting your sammy code of colonization

Out west here in the rocks
where they still speak it,
in out of the rain
telling the tale to their children
in careful ancient words.

– Kevin Haley

– Centennial Commemoration of the Easter Rising, 1916

Frog Puts Boy Down Mate’s Back

(Lilly Pad Corner — Leap Frog Lantern — March 27, 2016)

Police are searching for a taller than average tree frog who allegedly placed a squirming small boy down the back of a female frog yesterday. The girl frog has settled down and the boy human has recovered.

“We don’t want to hurt him,” said a local deputy with regards to the frog who is still on the lam this morning. “We just want to talk some sense into him. These reptiles simply have to realize that we can’t have this kind of behavior in New Age Colorado.”

Froggie was “a-courtin” at the time of the incident according to close friends. He was armed with a “sword and a pistol by his side…”

Anyone with information as to the whereabouts of the fugitive amphibian should call an authority figure and not attempt to apprehend the slippery suspect on their own.