All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
King Finbar in America
(Somewhere off the Coast of Nova Scotia, February, 1121)
(From The Ancient Cattle Raids of Finn McCool — Feb 1, 2016)
continued from last month
that when he actually landed on that North American beach in 993 AD the playful, tattooed Red men had already made off with six barrels of whiskey, more than a third of the unsettled cargo and certainly one of the main motivations for the voyage. Finbar quickly posted his most trusted lieutenant to guard the emergency rations and not one drop was dwindled further.
“Let them have a share,” Finbar had exclaimed in the sand. We can just make more tonight!”
The landing party was comprised of Dublin’s Brian the Fair, McDougall The Ugly from Ballyshannon, and Warren of Wexley, a self-described dandy from Galway. Joining these stalwarts were numerous squires, servants and several curious Druids that had promised not to interfere in official business.
Hacking its way through monster eucalyptus trees and dwarf maples the party stumbled around in circles before coming to rest at a clearing 200 feet above the beach.
“Tomorrow I shall claim this isle in the name of Brian Boru of Tara,” bellowed Finbar, frightening a group of nearby Indians while obsessively mapping the entire landscape on the back of his hand. Then, early the next morning the band set out to civilize the environs.
First the still must be erected and the fermentation process began. They would need corn, rye and barley. After an incursion or two into local villages it became clear that the Indians had storehouses of the stuff that they used to feed their pet marmots. They happily traded a sufficient supply for a boat ride and a few pictures of Queen Elizabeth.
Just then, a subtle brush with reality brought them back to their senses. Two of the Red man had retuned just in time for last call. With them they brought tobacco and all of the aforementioned ingredients necessary to distill Irish whiskey. They gave Finbar gourds filled with cider to hold the White folks over until their batch was pronounced potent and potable. Finbar thanked the chief, a fine-feathered brave of about 23.
The chief immediately agreed to provide a tour guide for Finbar and his crew if they would only share their joy juice. What commenced might have been the first chronicled multi-ethnic cocktail hour in the Western Hemisphere.
Once the silly natives found out Finbar was a bona fide king they wanted to carry him through the jungle in a diamond-studded litter. But since they didn’t have one they hauled him around in an out-of-commission canoe. Often times the thirsty entourage covered more than 400 yards per day before falling exhausted, corks a –popping, into their buckskin hammocks and canopy yurts.
Once the party got roaring, the Irish were keen to learn the skills of a woodsman. The only problem occurred when the bosun’s mate was dragged off and eaten by a large bear while he was collecting firewood. That was it, other than a case of scurvy that was treated by repeated ingestion of green whiskey by accompanying Jesuits on their way overland to what is now Paraguay.
At the end of the weekend everyone bode farewell to their elbow bending buckaroos and went their separate ways, all except a skeleton contingent of the bravest who would remain behind to establish a colony.
Three years later explorers traveling under the protection of Fitzgerald the Imp, landed at the site of the first still and found no sign of so much as a bartender. Conjecture was that the colony had run short of hickory, which made the best copper kettle process. One blind eyewitness said they moved south following the caribou herds all the way to the outskirts of Savannah. Little more is known of their aborted attempt to create a Celtic Empire in what is now The Maritimes.
– Melvin O”Toole
Doddering Terrorists Hold Hostages at Taco Bell
(Montrose, CO — Special from The Taco Times – January 28, 2016)
As the sun came up this morning, two convicted recreational terrorists, known only to authorities as Myrtle and Jerry, are still holding a throng of hostages at the local Taco Bell. The captives, including two exotic dancers from Mack and a busload of seminary students from Espanola, are reportedly chained to the salad bar in this pseudo-Mexican food outlet.
Myrtle and Jerry
One of the prisoners managed to escape through an unattended grease drain while Jerry was out changing the oil on his RV. He told a story of a brutal captivity but said that everyone was still in good spirits despite being subjection to countless mundane home movie (of Quartzite, Arizona) and Myrtle’s bad cooking.
The amateur filmmakers, dubbed monkey wrenchers by the local paper due to Myrtle’s long association with the Sierra Club, have released a list of demands and have threatened to bore each one of the hostages with monotonous vacation and RV stories until they get some action. Along with typical hostage solicitations the two have insisted on fifty million dollars in small bills and a flight to Havana.
Other demands are as follows: 1.) The United States must terminate all covert military operations in South America. 2.) The incarceration of the notorious Bloody Bush Gang for crimes against humanity. 3.) The reinstitution of Dean Martin (dead or alive) on NBC’s prime time. 4.) Bronze statures of Myrtle and Jerry must be forged and displayed at the entrance to the Ridgway State Park, no later than 2017.
“We have no problem with the money, the flight or the imprisonment,” said one deputy on the scene, “but we’re getting a lot of static from county commissioners on the statue business.”
In a statement released just moments ago Myrtle warned authorities that Jerry was prepared to “play hardball” and that her “tough-fisted accomplice would not be placated.”
She then asked that police send “some real food”, voicing her concern over a regular diet of chemicals offered by Taco Bell. The hostages, who were apparently eating at the outlet at the time of the seizure, were unmoved by her concerns.
“Myrtle has always had an eye on good health,” said Jerry, who police say is Jerry Mahone, a retired bean farmer from Dove Creek who won his 150-foot RV in a sudden death bingo match sponsored by the Slick Rock Pork Producers in 2009.
Leaders here admit that this information is of little use in breaking the standoff but that the data would be stored anyway because they enjoyed this kind of thing.
Plans to shut off power to the Taco Bell were shelved when it became clear that the two had been major stockholders in Manana Electric, a local power coop. In addition Myrtle had mined the parking lot and all access points in and out of the crime scene. To make matters worse Jerry reportedly had a backup generator stashed under his unit’s microwave stand and “was not afraid to use it.”
The deadlock goes on with the stubborn terrorists refusing to budge despite threats from Taco Bell International to send an elite TACO team into the fray. Corporate accountants say the “restaurant” is losing $50,000 per day due to the crisis. Meanwhile the city of Montrose is rerouting hungry motorists to the many real Mexican restaurants that grace the municipality.
– Melvin Toolski
Innovative Insurance Firm Offers New Products
(Montrose, CO — Usury Bulletin — January 22, 2016)
Since its inception in the 19th Century, the benevolent insurance industry has been busy convincing us to purchase life insurance, health insurance, automobile insurance, fire insurance, business insurance, home insurance, renter’s insurance and several that we cannot remember but probably could buy.
But now a Montrose insurance group, the generically named Consolidated Consolidators, is offering a more expanded field in paranoid packages that are, in the words of a recent brochure “in tune with the 21st Century.”
Here is a partial list hat offers overlapping and secure coverage.
SNOW INSURANCE – If a party is in the recreation racket and depends on the weather for his livelihood he’d be a fool to pass on this one. A popular policy pays for 3 months vacation in Caribbean in the event of a winter drought.
SOCIAL INSURANCE – Having trouble with the dating wilderness? This policy pays out a small dividend if you’re stuck at home on Saturday night. Getting a little too social. Consolidated has a social “health” plan for everyone.
NUCLEAR INSURANCE – In the event of a direct hit this company claims it will rebuild your home and cover losses to cars, real estate and livestock. After the radiation subsides it will all come back like new. A rider policy embraces the theory of a winnable nuclear conflict. Space travel optional.
INSURANCE INSURANCE – Buy this super baby and gain protection from the lack of any insurance imaginable. Perfect for the disoriented individual who prefers to write one check instead of many. This is the insurance for persons who love to buy coverage and is overburdened with a plethora of intangible assets.
ETERNAL SALVATION INSURANCE – Pay now – pray later. This judgmental, holier-than-thou policy includes transfers and tips. Meals not included. Rates based on double occupancy. Why be good when you can buy eternal peace of mind? Void where prohibited by superstition.
FAST FOOD INSURANCE – If you choke on a McBone Consolidated will Mcbury you and see to it that the kids get a McMonthly trust if you have the funds. Supplemental coverage for Burger Thing, Taco Hell and the lesser grease gods.
VEGETABLE GARDEN INSURANCE – If one forgets to water or falls victim to grasshoppers, this policy extends a seasonal credit at farmer’s markets and small groceries to cover the loss of perishables. Summer only. Seed extra.
HANGOVER INSURANCE – Pays up to 80% of any cure, doctor visit or hair of the dog. Physical examination may be required prior to activation. No regular smokers will be accepted. Perfect for the amateur abuser. Sleep well.
– Gabby Haze
I will cut your house in half
Bulletins — January 15, 2016
I will cut your house in half for half price. Now you have a duplex! Rex’s Renovations and Restorations. Homes, motorcycles and more. 970-210-3800.
Local attorneys will offer free legal advice from 9:11 am to 9:14 am every other Tuesday unless it rains or is cancelled. This complimentary service is sponsored by the Wyoming Bar Association, distillers of fine liquors and assorted aqueus solutions for the teeth and the tummy. Apertifs, cordials and potions. Established just moments before the storming of the Bastille.
(Martin Luther King Day January 18, 2016)
There are notably few soul food restaurants in Montrose or on the Western Slope in general. Now here is virgin territory for someone good with ribs, beans and greens.
El Nino In the Palm of Her Hand
February and March promise to be two of the biggest snow months in decades. The antidote is a well-stocked cupboard, tred on your tires, a serious snow shovel, sharp skis and a good attitude. (or maybe a ticket to the mountains in Colombia).
Homeless Tough on Grocery Carts
(Washington — Wishing for a Piggly Wiggly — January 13, 2015)
The nation’s burgeoning homeless here will be held responsible for damages done to corporate grocery carts according to an investigative wing of the Department of Justice. The federal fairness bureau then reminded all Americans that the wire and wheel push wagons are the privacy of the giant food cartels that feed the populace.
“Those carts are not yours, people,” said Evenkeel Canasta, of the Department of Final Affairs, a sub-contractor of the Committee of Accidental Impartiality. “They are provided only through the kindness of the supermarket barons. When one goes missing or is destroyed we all pay!”
Canasta went on to describe how the ruthless street poor misuse the grocery carts which are often stored unlocked, outside and accessible. Her voice, dropping off in manufactured despair, quavered when she spoke of homeless thugs trashing the steerage mechanism and then abandoning the provender carriages under bridges, in meth alleys and bad neighborhoods all over the city.
“We may all see the day when there are no workable grocery carts anywhere in the country. Then what will the productive segment of society do?
Already top grocers are considering loyalty carts and earned award use of push/pull devices for collecting groceries and hauling purchases to their cars. They say the expense of the operation would be staggering and that grocery prices would have to go up to pay for the privilege.
“Grocery carts are not an entitlement,” quacked Canasta, an outspoken critic of Social Security and Medicare but firm supporter of tax breaks for the petroleum industry. “Far too many Americans think they deserve free grocery carts and they favor helping the homeless with a handful of gimme and a mouthful of much obliged.”
An urban advocate for the homeless called Canasta’s comments cruel and callous, adding that government officials should learn how to keep their mouths shut on social issues that do not directly concern them.
“Does Ms. Canasta suggest that the homeless rent storage units to keep their belongings safe? Maybe they could form a cardboard owners association. If a homeless person wrecks a grocery cart and an oil tanker dumps oil all over a beach who are we going to prosecute?” she asked.
Canasta, undeterred by mounting criticism of the Department of Final Affairs as well as the Committee of Accidental Impartiality, continued to bash street people saying that even when they steal a cart they don’t take care of it.
“They abuse the cart then trade it in on a new one when nobody’s watching. Victual consumers and poorly motivated grocery personnel should be more careful, more attentive when employing this technology or we might forfeit conveniences like value cards and plastic bags at checkout,” she said.
“The only reason these great unwashed don’t steal the parking lots is that they are nailed down and difficult to store,” she roared. “I do not like the homeless.”
Canasta discounted the claims of human rights’ groups that the misuse of grocery carts are only a symptom of a far greater problem of desperation caused in part by corporate greed and the unfair distribution of opportunity in this country.
“I am so tired of listening to high-strung liberals whining,” said Canasta. “If you can’t cut it here in my America you should be deported.”
– Heather Hoffbrau
