All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Wood Nymphs Need Winter Clothing

(Gunnison) Some four hundred wood nymphs that call the Gunnison Valley home are in dire straits due to the lack of warm clothing it was disclosed today. Despite the waning winter, the often decadent nymphs remain at risk due to nighttime temperatures dipping down to well below freezing. Flimsy, worn out wardrobes, lack of firewood and dwindling food supplies further complicate this grave matter.

The nymphs, usually associated with mid-summer evenings and erotic flings which such notables as Pan and Bacchus, are out of their element when the cold winds blow. Experts are in dismay as to why the nymphs don’t simply fly south and avoid the weather.

“Not only are these nymphs procrastinators but they are damn stubborn too,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Director of Faeries and Wild Things at Western State Colorado University here. “They are all a bunch of slackers. They love to watch us from the cover of the forest and are obsessed with the doings of humans, yet run away when approached.”

The nymphs, descendants of fallen angels and immigrant pucas, have been the object of male curiosity since the 1800s. Rarely seen except on perfect summer evenings, the nymphs have seen their numbers depleted over the past 50 years due to pollution and human expansion.

“If you are lucky enough to see one of these faeries avoid obvious flirtation and do not attempt to catch one since they will not survive in captivity,” said Pennywhistle.

Anyone interested in donating cold weather gear and clothing should bring it to the WSCU campus clearly marked For The Wood Nymphs so that it doesn’t fall into the hands of  fashion conscious students or other less needy segments of society. Keep in mind that loose fitting garments work best since they more effectively account for wing span and layering.

– Sergio Jingles

Horseshoe in Canada

(Halifax) General Kashmir Horseshoe has reportedly joined the Peace Corps according to a report filed here Thursday. Close aides say the 147-year-old publisher “seeks to build up a little credit in the eternal lottery before he’s too old to get around anymore”. Horseshoe’s first assignment is here in Nova Scotia where he will teach Third World hockey fans how to sell newspaper advertising.

“It is the salvation of capitalism at the grassroots level,” said Melvin Tool, a long-time whipping boy who will make the trek to Canada with Horseshoe.

If the impromptu team is successful in the said endeavor they will then secure porters at Pugwash and journey inland through New Brunswick to the St. Lawrence waterway. Upon their arrival there they will begin a search for mythical caches of Canadian beer thought to be hidden from explorer, Pierre Gaultier “Mickey” de Varennes by Acadian folk hero Francois Labatts in 1707.

By then it will again be time for football season.

Synthetic Poison Ivy Produced

(Gunnison) Student scientists at Western State Colorado University have successfully created synthetic poison ivy (rhus radicans syntheticas) in a secret botany lab in the basement of (Princess) Chipeta Hall. It is not known when or if the man-made plant would be introduced to the local ecosystem but a spokesman said the project had been undertaken during the winter so as to provide obvious options. Natural poison ivy does not flourish and is often notably absent at elevations over 6000 feet.

“We had to develop a particularly tough strain so as to ensure a thriving species up here in the Rockies,” said Dr. Augosto Paramus, a convicted hempsman sentenced to 20 years public service in the WSCU Botany Department back in 1994. “Otherwise, what is the point in manufacturing the plant at all.”

New Chinese Regime Reaches Out to Colonese

(Colona) Outgoing Chinese leader Hu Jintao has joined with Beijing’s  new government appealing to Colona consumers to drop their 12-year boycott on Chinese made goods. Lambasting “critical errors in judgment” Jintao offered a roster of undisclosed concessions that his successor Xi would implement, if the dissent against the importation of non-tariff Chinese goods would simply cease.

Stopping short of admitting the effectiveness of the ban on Chinese products within Colona, the former former Communist Party boss promised to pave the Colorado town’s streets, build tennis courts and open an egg roll factory, “which would employ up to 50 persons”, on the site of an empty restaurant on Highway 550 at the entrance to town.

Asian economists say that the surprisingly stubborn boycott of Chinese goods in Colona has had a crippling effect on China’s GNP and hasn’t helped that country’s IFS, PGI and WEO either.

“One doesn’t have to crumble a fortune cookie to see that China is vulnerable to these kinds of grass roots movements,” said G. Buddy Dharma, a former lobbyist who now operates a Panda rescue mission in Taiwan. “When Colona started the original protests we all laughed but now we see what a micro community can do when its people are motivated.”

In a somewhat related development the United States has announced that it will send seven million tons of campaign signage and literature to the Asian nation in return for currency stabilization  and primary assurances that China will undress human rights issues in the coming year.

“We are sending the election debris so as to teach the Chinese about democracy,” continued Dharma., “even though we know the government will use it to stoke coal-fired industries and beef up the Great Wall. We tried this approach in the Mideast in 2004 and in Africa in 2008 with mixed results but China is a different cup of lotus blossoms.”

Dharma said that the very mass of cardboard and paper shipped east will serve as a reminder to the Communists that one cannot buy an election.Accompanying this slogan cargo will be Donald Trump and Karl Rove. A spokesman insinuated that the pair may remain in China indefinitely attempting to create inroads within the wealthy 2 percent in that nation.

“These days there is more freedom to be filthy rich in China than in the United States,” he said. “We look for a major migration of rich developers and investment bankers to the East and ultimately a hostile takeover of the country by 2015.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Colorado Loses Zoo License

(Denver) Lingering budget cuts within the state treasury have precipitated the expiration of Colorado’s long held National Zoo License which legitimizes the hosting of over 300 animal species in the woods and forests of the Centennial State. Fees paid to the federal government, reportedly located somewhere on the East Coast, have been in the rubber stamp category since Teddy Roosevelt was President.

Sources here expressed frustration over the loss of the prestigious beast status which has for over a century allowed Colorado to claim bear, lion, wolves, elk, moose and wolverines in the roster of residents. The wild creatures have been a source of pride to many much like the Centennial State’s sunny skies and miles of wilderness.

“The license has now expired,” said one Division of Wildlife official, “and we figure our jobs will be the next to go. Imagine our mountains without deer and elk, without sage grouse and ptarmigans. I can’t imagine that they fish are happy. Even the birds and the bees could be forced out before the end of the year.”

It was not clear if trout and Kokanee would fall under a protective umbrella since they are reputedly cold blooded and interstate in nature. Already Utah and New Mexico have moved to welcome mammals living near their borders with Wyoming expected to join these ranks by the weekend.

“We have our on four-leafed wards to deal with, said Flora Terch, an animal behaviorist from Santa Fe. “Our welfare rolls are already overburdened with too many needy animals, but we cannot sit back and watch these pathetic creatures wander around aimlessly or go without. They could end up in Oklahoma where they would be shot and eaten on sight.”

Colorado officials estimate that homes will be needed for about 300,000 displaced animals who will no longer be protected here.

It will be difficult to place some of the larger predators,” said Terch, “and we fear that natural selection, regulated populations. seasonal mating, and ancient migratory patterns will never return.”

Not everyone is upset about this fiscal adjustment.

“We have grown sick and tired of these deadbeat wildlife freeloaders carried by the rest of us taxpayers,” said Andrew Stripmalle, a Front Range developer. “People can hardly live the good life with all these fury beggars about.”

Many here have seen this situation coming for quite sometime. Fires and encroachment by suburbs and trophy dream homes have put the animals uptight but most seem to have adapted and figured they’d be living here forever.

“I guess they should have talked to the Utes,” said the DOW source.

– Fred Zeppelin

Toole named sixth man

(Mañana, CO) Editor Abstemious Melvin “I Never Said That” Toole was named Sixth Man today, narrowly winning out over some 200 qualified personages applying for the work in a tough economy. The position, which could start as early as next week, effectively sentences the piquant scribe to what insiders call coming off the bench.

“We do not know what this Sixth Man will do or won’t do,” said a close aide, “but our man Toole is up for the challenge.”

The undisclosed salary and signing bonus are estimated to be more than half that of the starters and twice that of the average salary in the Land of the Free in 2012. Toole, who has waited in the wings before, told reporters he is excited about his new role and, with this opportunity, hopes to break into the starting lineup before long.

A rhythmic base stealer, nose tackle and epicurean rebounder since graduating from Police State, back before harnessed electricity, the 101-year-old represents an innovative breed of specialty performer and ignites the hopes and dreams of older Americans who still seek to compete in the eternal arena.

“We don’t think his academic record had much to do with this appointment,” said the aide. “It was more a result of his willingness to jump in and fill holes while looking good in a cap and clipboard. His potential as a dugout jockey has yet to be realized.”

Toole has admitted that he has no clue as to the context of the Sixth Man status but that it was “certainly a step up from Seventh Man”.

“The job description is still not clear and we hope that basic responsibilities and duties will become more defined at the end of camp,” said a spokesman. “Either way it’s quite an accomplishment.” – Gabby Haze