Wood Nymphs Need Winter Clothing

(Gunnison) Some four hundred wood nymphs that call the Gunnison Valley home are in dire straits due to the lack of warm clothing it was disclosed today. Despite the waning winter, the often decadent nymphs remain at risk due to nighttime temperatures dipping down to well below freezing. Flimsy, worn out wardrobes, lack of firewood and dwindling food supplies further complicate this grave matter.

The nymphs, usually associated with mid-summer evenings and erotic flings which such notables as Pan and Bacchus, are out of their element when the cold winds blow. Experts are in dismay as to why the nymphs don’t simply fly south and avoid the weather.

“Not only are these nymphs procrastinators but they are damn stubborn too,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Director of Faeries and Wild Things at Western State Colorado University here. “They are all a bunch of slackers. They love to watch us from the cover of the forest and are obsessed with the doings of humans, yet run away when approached.”

The nymphs, descendants of fallen angels and immigrant pucas, have been the object of male curiosity since the 1800s. Rarely seen except on perfect summer evenings, the nymphs have seen their numbers depleted over the past 50 years due to pollution and human expansion.

“If you are lucky enough to see one of these faeries avoid obvious flirtation and do not attempt to catch one since they will not survive in captivity,” said Pennywhistle.

Anyone interested in donating cold weather gear and clothing should bring it to the WSCU campus clearly marked For The Wood Nymphs so that it doesn’t fall into the hands of  fashion conscious students or other less needy segments of society. Keep in mind that loose fitting garments work best since they more effectively account for wing span and layering.

– Sergio Jingles