Synthetic Poison Ivy Produced

(Gunnison) Student scientists at Western State Colorado University have successfully created synthetic poison ivy (rhus radicans syntheticas) in a secret botany lab in the basement of (Princess) Chipeta Hall. It is not known when or if the man-made plant would be introduced to the local ecosystem but a spokesman said the project had been undertaken during the winter so as to provide obvious options. Natural poison ivy does not flourish and is often notably absent at elevations over 6000 feet.

“We had to develop a particularly tough strain so as to ensure a thriving species up here in the Rockies,” said Dr. Augosto Paramus, a convicted hempsman sentenced to 20 years public service in the WSCU Botany Department back in 1994. “Otherwise, what is the point in manufacturing the plant at all.”