Author Archive for M. Toole
Colorado Recognized as Spider Capital
It’s Official!
(Ouray) Here in the Centennial State we may not have fleas, or poisonous snakes or chiggers or vampire bats but we damn sure have spiders. In fact we have more of the arachnids than any other state in the whole country.
Yesterday that distinction was brought home with accolades and honors from naturalists, entomologists, silk producers and arthropod activists, who seek to protect spiders due to their capacity for killing harmful insects.
Today Governor John Hickenlooper is expected to receive formal confirmation as to the laurels.
“It’s a proud day for all Coloradans,” said Hickenlooper in a prepared statement. “And all this time I thought we were special for our mountains.”
Chief Ouray to Sell Story Rights
(Montrose 1879) Chief Ouray of the Utes will reportedly sell the rights to his life story to the London Police Gazette for an undisclosed sum. According to his agent, Otto Mears, the man who offered Ute braves $2 each (up front) for some 11 million acres of land in the San Juan, Ouray and his wife Chipeta will be quite comfortable.Already blessed with a house and land south of here Ouray will now be able to live independently of his former associates both White and Ute. Europeans are quite preoccupied with the Native Americans and follow their plight with much interest.
The prestigious London paper became interested in Ouray since his tribe was forced to move to Utah, yet he stayed here. His status, improved by the settlement with whites after the Meeker Massacre, has been cemented by the payments but there is still conjecture that the chief sold out. Mears, President Hayes and a host of mine owners vehemently deny this accusation saying that the chief showed good sense when the confrontation with the powerful white folks emerged. They say the Utes would have tasted bitter defeat at the hands of the United States cavalry and that their reservation in northeastern Utah was nice.
Rumors that the paper would pay Ouray an honorarium (forty pieces of silver) were also discounted by Mears.
According to the paper, Ouray was one of the most respected peacemakers by Whites but considered a turncoat by many Utes. History is written by the victors writes the paper and the future of the Utes is uncertain to say the least. Most will engage in a sedentary lifestyle, protected by the federal government.
Along with the first hand accounts the story will include a series of brown tints featuring Ouray and Chipeta sitting for photos with such outstanding Americans as former Interior Secretary Charles Starts and General Charles Adams. Despite the fact that most Native Americans fear the camera the Ute leaders conceded and allowed the photos to be made.
Not only does Ouray have a town in the San Juans named for him but the new reservation in Utah will be called Ouray as well. After the signing of the Brunt Treaty, which effectively turned over Ute lands to mining interests, Ouray continued to negotiate with Whites. Unfortunately his attempts were a dismal failure as treaties were no more than an open invitation for the government to take what it wanted, leaving the Utes to starve. Bribes, threats and broken promises are the legacy.
(Editor’s note: Chief Ouray did not have much time to enjoy the new peace. He passed way August 24, 1880)
MONTROSE WAL-MART BANS RVS
(Uncompahgre) The Stupor Wal-Mart, which resides on what was once perfectly good pasture, has banned all RVs from its parking lot. The action, coming as a result of increased security and a multitude of accidents comes as a shock to loyal shoppers.
Speaking from the Day of the Dead RV Park, north of Colona, one veteran Wal-Mart greeter expressed a growing fear that mass consumption would be the victim if the ban holds true.
“We are already monitoring the lot and have petitioned the Bureau of Land Management to step in,” said the greeter.
Readers will recall that the mass marketer traded the feds 100,000 acres in Nevada for rights to the present parking lot. That agreement is in effect a 99-year lease and could come up for examination as early as November if violations occur.
“We just hope these restrictions do not postpone the annual Indigent Rummage Sale planned for the lot on October 31,” added the greeter. “If it does we’ll hold the event at Billy Creek across from Duckhead Rock Dry Cleaners.”
Plans to extend the present parking lot all the way to Ridgway have been put on hold until this latest matter is settled. The expansion received approval from the Montrose County Commissars Thursday.
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