Be a Smokey the Bear Camper Buddy!

HEY KIDS!

The wilderness can be fun, yes, even more fun than the mall or the skateboard park, but only if we all watch our Ps and Qs. First and foremost when spending time in the woods we must adhere to the basic demands of outdoor etiquette. Whether you are engaged in competitive camping, free-lance logging or just an afternoon at the ol’ fishing hole, proper behavior can spell success!

We’ll start with an exercise inherent to the growing sport of competitive camping. Sure, we know you all want to get the tent set up, the wood split, the fire started, and the beans cooked before the other campers. But rather than stepping on toes try waiting your turn or, saints preserve us, helping out the younger or dysfunctional campers. The rewards of offering a helping hand, although not reflected on your final score card, can pay big dividends as the sun goes down.

For further advice simply consult any one of countless signs and/or government brochures scattered all over the wilderness  area.

Instead of fighting among yourselves aim you aggression at other camps/RVers. Try these approaches:

1. Get the best campsite by arriving three to four months ahead of the target date and setting up a covert primer camp. This can be accomplished by the presence of a tent, tarps a fire pit, and claymore mines, which are easily accessed at any drive-through weapons outlet. Make sure to bring your entire arsenal with you since your home might be burglarized while out camping.

2. Fence off the area that will be plotted for multi-use. Cut down trees that spoil the view and call in an exterminator for the bugs. Make sure oxygen tanks and life jackets are nearby. Stay within spitting distance, but not downwind, from port-o-johns and survey the area for docile, grazing cattle in case you get hungry in the middle of the night.

3. Store all perishable foods inside the tent with you. Hanging food from trees will only encourage bear to climb and they could then fall on you. Leaving out snacks for wild animals is not a good idea since they, like many of your fellow campers cannot voluntarily restrain themselves. (See arsenal).

4. Packing in such items as generators and color TVs is not in keeping with the wilderness experience. Poll the family: Surely they can all make do with the sound system in the SUV (turn up the bass, dude) or with any number of wrist-propelled video games. Radio reception is generally pretty good above 12,000 feet and everyone has cell phones and I-Pads to keep in touch with civilization.

5. Discard all  bottles properly. If mom and dad are at it again make sure all empty gin bottles are packed out. We shudder to think what would happen if they fall into the wrong paws.

6. When hiking a steep trail, exercise extreme caution. Check for signs of distress and look for logical paths that offer support. Example: If you observe a pile of mountain goat carcasses at the bottom of an embankment avoid that embankment in favor of more gentle slopes. And take your time. You’ll get there sooner or later, probably.

7. Wear comfortable, modest attire, including safety glasses, plastic gloves, biodegradable clothing and a sturdy hard hat. A good walking stick is a necessity especially if you are into self-flagellation or if you seek to punish others for flatulent behavior inside your airtight backpacker tent. Remember: Nudity has no place in the woods and many wild animal attacks have been provoked as a result of the breakdown of moral fortitude. In short, if your body offends the people at work or at the pool think of what it could do to a prowling mountain lion or a righteous bull moose. Use your head. Others do not want to clean up the mess!

8. Singing songs around the camp fire may showcase the lack of talent in your party but can be quite effective in the harassment of other camps who have chosen to set up too close to you. (See Competitive Camping section). Karaoke and live bands are not feasible unless you intend to invite the entire forest. Telling ghost stories, skinning small rodents or cleaning those assault weapons can be a great pastime when that evening sun goes down.

9. Know your limitations. Luxury camping packages include an RV, bikes, a jeep, surround-sound, ice makers, Tupperware, light-weight metal accompaniments, multiple coolers categorizing different food and beverage groupings, extra tarp and dry socks, silverware, place settings, crystal and a Sherpa guide. Tourist class overnights provide a tent, sleeping bags, an ax, a cooler and some granola bars. Budget campers will be lucky to get a blanket, a book of matches, plus a cup and a spoon.

10. Examine all herd animal feces for hallucinogenic mushrooms but boil well first before consuming. If delusional properties linger you ate too many. But don’t despair – you’ll come down in a few days, which is better than can be said for a lot of the people back in town.

11. Establish an hourly watch system employing all adults and children who can handle a gun. Sheepherders, tree huggers, werewolves, and people who write advice guides like this are out looking for mischief during the night, especially on a full moon. Don’t be taken in by their kind demeanor. Is that your car alarm?

– Navajo Sam