Author Archive for M. Toole

DATA BACKS HOPE OF NIGHT LIFE ON MARS

(Cahone) Initial data sent back to earth from Mars Pathfinder indicates that a night life exists on the Red Planet. Martian rover craft, scurrying about the surface, revealed multicolored rocks, craters and other geological features that are much like those in places like Las Vegas, Rio de Janeiro and Bahrain. Weathered ruins of what appear to be neon signs dot the landscape leading scientists to believe that nightclubs once loomed.

CURE FOR MAD DRUGSTORE COWBOY DISEASE MANY YEARS OFF SAYS DOC

(Ridgway) Researchers throughout the West have spent decades pouring over related data. Hospitals have built wings dedicated to finding a cure. Pickups have more than doubled in price. Cow pies are still cow pies. A horses’ ass is still a horses’ ass.

Local medico, Efram Pennywhistle, a former PRCA rodeo trainer, says the Mad Drugstore Cowboy Disease will be around for years.

Be a Smokey the Bear Camper Buddy!

HEY KIDS!

The wilderness can be fun, yes, even more fun than the mall or the skateboard park, but only if we all watch our Ps and Qs. First and foremost when spending time in the woods we must adhere to the basic demands of outdoor etiquette. Whether you are engaged in competitive camping, free-lance logging or just an afternoon at the ol’ fishing hole, proper behavior can spell success!

AMA WARNS OF MEDICAL RISKS IN TRADITIONAL CAMPAIGN SMOOCHES

CANDIDATES KISSING BABIES THIS YEAR?

(San Clemente, CA) If you’re running for office in 2012, don’t bother to pucker up! That’s the message from the American Medical Association, which is attempting to ban the practice of kissing babies, while regulating other expressions of affection in government. Since the first knowledge of homo sapiens on the planet, glad-handers have attempted to convince their constituency of their righteousness by planting a smacker on an infant’s forehead. Often the infant cried and everyone laughed all the way to the polling place. Of course, no one kept records indicating general health and survival rates of those kissed.

Utah Flips Polygamy Card

These ladies may be due multiple husbands in Utah after passage of a reverse Polygamy Bill in the Beehive State.

(Salt Lake) The State Legislature in Utah has today passed a bill that legalizes polygamy but this time it’s  women, not men, who can take multiple spouses. The shocking decision clearly approves extended marital arrangements whereas one woman might have up to three or four husbands in the household.

Greeted by some as progressive and others as absurd the new law will go into affect in 2013. Acknowledging that a host of details still need to be hammered out sponsors of the act say it is high time that females in the Beehive State, named for the lingering hairstyle, have their moment in the sun.

Montrose Teacher Signs for $1.2 Million

(Oak Grove) Muriel Armbruster, a third-grade math teacher here has signed a contract with the local school board for over one million dollars in salary and incentives according to a press release received this morning.

Armbruster who also coaches polo and heads up the Future Wool Growers of America chapter, was reportedly astounded at the offer.