Author Archive for M. Toole
The Ball Court
“Can you hear me? I’m on the other side. Look through the holes in the rock wall. They brought you here last night from Uaxatun, after the battle. Are you Mayan? Can you hear me?”
The recipient of this information could not stand. He sat up in the cramped cell and peered through the opening in the thick stone wall. He could see daylight. His prison was on the ground level of what appeared to be a large structure not seen since visits to Quirigua. One ball court was in full view. It was much smaller than the one at Copan, where gods and giants once entertained the visitors from the stars.
“I can hear you but I cannot see where you are,” he whispered instinctively not knowing who else was in earshot.
“Why do you whisper, my friend? What else can they do to you?”
White House to become Bed and Breakfast
Post Convention delegates sans straw hats, flags and tired opinions. Are they Democrats or Republicans? That is impossible to determine at the present time.
(Warshington) In yet another attempt to jump start the lame economy the Obama Administration today announced that the White House would become a bed and breakfast as early as this fall. The move, seen as an attempt to portray gov’ment as a friend of the people in an election year, came as daily tours have increased to the point of capacity. The guided excursions have been popular since the Monroe Administration but have failed to generate enough money to pay the electric bill on the place.
Cutting Edge Unearthed Near Silverton
(Howardsville) The notorious cutting edge, an international standard for innovation, was discovered Saturday morning by two retired miners searching for pumpkins near the entrance of Stony Pass. The topographic marvel, believed to be centuries old, was not removed but rather blueprinted with specimens rushed to town for examination.
Reliable assayers believe that the disclosure will negate previous findings by the Italian Navy in 1872 suggesting that the cutting edge was simply an anomaly, or angular deviation observed from the sun. If the cutting edge, as they insist, is now defined by one space or geographically tied to the San Juans it will be much easier to manipulate and, yes, replicate.
“In all my years as a tramp miner I’ve never seen anything like it,” said resident Don the Bomber, “unless of course one counts the night Myrna Gilhooly danced naked on the snooker table at the American Legion.”
The edge is located in a sensitive region where only last year pine trees voted to ban the United States Forest Service and seek protective status for existential woodsies and elk without partners.
For related piece turn to Gummy Bears Create Sticky Scenario on Page 45
DOLPHINS ACTUALLY HATE PEOPLE
Recent research strongly suggests that dolphins actually hate people disrupting a long held belief that they like us.
(Water World UPS) Emerging information as to the true feelings of dolphins strongly suggests an underlying resentment of human intrusion in the seas. The fish, long thought to be friends, even allies of man, have done an about face, saying that co-existence with humans has become almost impossible these days.
SPORTS HYPE TRACED TO WILD WEST SHOW
Buffalo Bill Cody enjoys a gondola ride in Venice with a Native American entourage in 1889. (Photo compliments of the Colorado Historical Society. Used by permission.)
William Frederick Cody was a born athlete. From his booming arrival in this world in 1846 to his quiet departure in 1917 he enjoyed success as a army scout, a Pony Express rider, a trapper, an Indian fighter and a buffalo hunter. None of these frontier occupations was mastered by sitting around on the couch watching American Idle.
Mashed potato competition changes venue
No Irish in 2012
(Pea Green) The 135th Annual Snuffy Smith Memorial Smashed Potatoes Struggle will take place at Pea Green Hall on September 30. For decades held at
Friendship Hall in Montrose, the event has moved due to what organizers call disturbances and conflicts with the police, who were called a record 14 times to break up fights in 2011.
