(Gettysburg, PA) The Republican National Committee, searching for ways to defeat Barack Obama in November,  has confirmed rumors that it will exhume the remains of Dwight D Eisenhower prior to the national convention this summer. In what was described as a drastic step by political watch dogs, the Republicans will then place Eisenhower on the autumn ticket with Mitt Romney as the likely Vice Presidential candidate.

“We like the way it all sound bytes come down: “Ike, Mitt or even Newt could get the attention of the sleeping American voter due to the quick, simple sound of these kind of names,” said a spokesperson for the GOP. “We don’t want to confuse anyone with foreign sounding names like Obama or Biden.”

Although revolutionary, the move is expected to increase the chances for a Republican victory in November. Behind closed doors GOP frontmen are uncomfortable with the term revolutionary since it frightens and irritates their corporate bosses. Most expressed no faith in the electability of Romney.

“Even if Romney ran with someone as likable as Bill Cosby or Sarah Palin, the ticket would still lack credibility,” explained Melvin O’Toole, head carpenter of the 2012 platform. With Ike we have a proven winner who is respected and liked by everyone. I expect a lot of cross-over votes, especially in the senior citizen segment.

Toole went on to say that just because Ike had been gone for many years didn’t mean he couldn’t effectively run the country.

“Just look at Ronald Reagan,” suggested Toole, hammer in hand. “He ran the entire Washington circus for years with no visible life signs. He did a bang-up job unless you happened to be on the poor end of the economic scale. Wasn’t it Reagan that outspent the Russians, then exhumed the memories of Joseph Stalin and brought down the Soviet State!”

Meanwhile the ghost of Richard Nixon (Ike’s VP from 1952 – 1960) has petitioned his old party to consider him for the top spot, saying that he was still in touch with Spiro Agnew, Henry Kissinger and all the boys from Watergate.

“People forget,” said a spokesman for Nixon who demanded anonymity. Dick is here with us.”

A man matching the description of Nixon has been seen loitering around outside GOP headquarters here since early May.

“If our plan works we can then run Calvin Coolidge in 2016. Now there was a man who could dazzle the voters,” he smiled.

– Warren Wanderlust


Filed Under: Hard News

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