Author Archive for M. Toole

SANTA TO TEACH SEX-ED

(Montrose) Santa Claus has been hired to teach sex education starting in January according to educators here. In compliance with guidelines set down by the World Is Flat Puritan Consortium the curriculum will be based on half-truths, superstition, misinformation and outright lies permeated by faith-based interests and aimed at keeping an intellectually challenged segment of the population in the dark about such hushed topics as birth control, social responsibility and progressive hygiene.

Santa was chosen both because his very existence is likewise based on a series of myths and because he is free most of the year.

“All those elves running around must mean something,” said one teacher, “even though our message here is abstinence. He’s got the credentials, but does he have the ability to whitewash the problem with fear and pseudo-morality in accordance with the accepted  yardsticks?”

Although there is no solid evidence that Santa was in any way involved with the procreation of the over 400 elves that live with him, he is seen as a father figure by many which may further qualify him for the teaching position. – Peter Salte

Rocking Around the Tree

Acupuncture gift baskets make a great Christmas present. Now taking orders. Sapinero Sewing Circle.

 

A reenactment of the French Revolution featuring the Reign of Terror Players will be presented at the Montrose Pavilion on December 28 and 29. The director is currently searching for Montrose County residents with royal blood to play the parts of the victims and loud peasants to act as extras. French nobility will be treated to a continental breakfast before the carts are loaded. Interested parties are asked to send proof of lineage to: Max Robespierre, c/o the above facility.

 

Now available: Cliff Notes for the 22,000-page General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT). Why pore over an ocean of data when you can have it all in a concise 24-page booklet. Nobody in Congress read the damn thing. Why should you? Send $3.99 to One Two Three World Publications, Washington, DC.

 

For sale: 4,350,000 acres between Cortez and Burlington, Colorado. Owner will finance or trade for successful liquor outlet. Contact local BLM office.

 

Bring up your children by remote control. Dial 9 and hold it.

 

NEEDED: Man with chain saw to break up fights at closing time over the holidays. Grady’s Gravy Heaven, Wimpton Mall.

 

National vacuum cleaner concern seeks dirt bag to demonstrate personal utilities associated with our fine product. Can you cut the mustard, or at least wipe it off your ski parka? Good pay plus commission. Volunteer Vacuums, Pueblo and Trinidad.

 

Crummy Christmas presents got you down? We will buy jewelry, ties, perfume, scarves, chocolates, lingerie, socks, almost any gift. Yuletide Salvage, Miller Mesa. Offer good through Valentine’s Day.

 

Will butcher fowl for the fun of it. Will pay you the going rate to butcher turkeys through the end of the month for pure revenge. That dirty rat turkey killed my brother. Darian Mariposa, Mañana Grange.

 

Positions available: standing, sitting, kneeling and full recline. Send resume to Desk Jockeys International. We are your shadow fer’al government in action!

 

1000 gourmet sauces made exclusively of ketchup and ditchwater. Syd Fahrdt, Delta House.

 

Erma: I’ll be wearing a white sport coat and a pink carnation, or was that a pink sport coat and a white fixation? Anyway, (as the Big Bopper used to say) you know what I like, heh? Are you an adult? Am I? Let’s groove together until spring. I’ve even waxed my mustache and cleaned the bathroom. Slim, Post Office, CO.

 

In honor of and with respect to all fur bearing animals who are trying to get some rest this winter, we ask that all humans keep their voices down through April. In short: If you have nothing appropriate to add to the conversation just sit quietly. An attendant will be with you momentarily.

 

MAKE BIG MONEY over the holidays stuffing olives, artichokes, peppers, turkeys, envelopes. Pimento Recyclers, on the sunny side of the street.

 

Wash dishes in Nairobi! Scrub pots in Kathmandu! Screen silverware in Arkadelphia! Send complete resume and $10 filing fee to International Pearl Diver Placement and Exchange. Box 33, No Name, CO 81603.

 

ATTENTION TRAVELERS! The Cane Law is now in effect on Monarch, Coal Bank, Red Mountain and Wolf Creek Passes. Anyone over 95 years of age should avoid operating a motor vehicle on these passes until June or July – San Juan Search and Rescue.

 

Strong-willed SWM seeks submissive SWF for Ping-pong interludes in my heated garage. I am interested in quiet walks, ice fishing and leaf collecting but I’m afraid to go outside. I’ve been told I’m good. Warren of Wexley, Whispering Pines, Ouray.

 

Will buy one-cent stamps for a dime on the dollar. Let’s play post office! Elmer Glioux, Jack’s Cabin, Utah.

 

Will the person who stole my Lou Reed raincoat from the Tiny Tot Daycare Center please return it at once? If I catch you wearing it, I’ll cut you real bad – Flower.

 

Locked out of your car? We have furnished apartments for rent by the day or week. Towels and sheets slightly extra. Maybelle’s Sleeping Rooms, Indian Massacre Highway across from the Silver Spoon Rendering Plant. Maybelle’s is in no way associated with Ed’s Beds of Denver, Colorado.

 

Will stud tires, fix pets, administer hormone shots, arrange social encounters, ferment perfume, weld relationships, break horses, harass fur wearers, lie to creditors. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.

 

“Mother Was a Teenage Rastafarian” will be showing at the Uranium Drive-In until the world ends or further notice. Thank you.

 

I, Saint Nicholas, am no longer responsible for debts, private or public, incurred by Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle or The Jolly Old Elf as of December 31, 2012  – Saint Nicholas, Nicosia, Cyprus.

 

Erotic laser gum massage by Sue. Weekdays by appointment. Box 3998, Horseshoe.

 

Older rancher seeks young woman to cook for 27 helpless sons, ranging from 16 to 44. Chores include feeding cows, shearing sheep, egg gathering, llama baiting, frog calling, fly swatting and horse catching. Could work into a lasting marriage with one or more of us. Private house trailer through the winter, then we’ll just see what happens. Happy McDuff, Cimarron South.

 

HUBCAPS FOR ANY OCCASION. Call Hubcap Johnny 1-800-999-3546. After hours call Johnny at home.

 

Got popcorn balls for Christmas? Call St. Roscoe’s Hospital if you have insurance.

 

Dukakis-Benson political trivia. T-shirts, bumper stickers, campaign buttons, ball caps and cheap jewelry. Still have some Walter Mondale Christmas hairspray and several Spiro Agnew holiday false teeth sets for next to nothing. Bo the Balloonist.

 

Kittens for Christmas. $350 firm. We don’t have to tell you that the price will go up after December. Also parting out old, wet newspaper sports pages and used vacuum cleaner bags. No checks. No sales before noon. No tobacco chewers. 22774499225577 Road, Olathe.

 

COME SEE a replica of the downtown Montrose business district this Christmas. Located two miles north of our South Townsend location. Wal-Mart Saving You Money!

 

Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will head south for the winter on December 31. Now’s the time to stock up. Ed will be in Ouray on December 19 and Crested Butte on December 26. Montrose and Gunnison in between. Happy Holidays!

 

WILL PREPARE POTATOES for you and your family over the holidays. Fried, poached, escalloped, baked, boiled, mashed, steamed, stewed, broiled, scrambled, twice-cooked, au gratin, and rehabilitated. The Eyes Have It, Spud Hill.

 

Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Maureen in Seattle.

 

Have you finally chosen the perfect group to hate? Have you zoned in and isolated one social class or ethnic mixture that can be blamed for all of society’s problems? You’re on the right track! We specialize in helping people just like you. Just send us your thoughts and we’ll send back a well versed thesis that backs up your bigotry with all kinds of facts, numbers, graphs and projections. Win those heated arguments at the dump or in the laundromat. How do you think the politicians do it time and time again? Be prepared! Send ideas to Opinion Bozos, Blind Box 007, Horseshoe.

 

 

 

 

WORLD BRIEFS

ASTRONAUT TO ACCOMPANY SANTA

(Cape Kennedy) Despite the stress of of the sojourn, 91-year-old John Glenn says he’ll go ahead with plans to travel with Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. A spokesman for Glenn told The Horseshoe that even though Glenn was feeling “a little older” than he was during the space shuttle Discovery’s return to earth, he would be on board Santa’s sleigh, cruising rooftops, dropping into chimneys along with the jolly old elf himself on December 24.

“The senator feels fine and is looking forward to his next historical rendezvous,” said the spokesman who added that the flight would encourage more people to believe in Santa Claus and to vote intelligently.

 

PEMEX TO DROP BEANIE BABIES

(Oaxaca) The Pemex Corporation announced today that it would be bombing Mexico with Beanie Babies for Christmas. The state-owned oil concern says the airlift is nothing more than a holiday gesture aimed at loyal customers and the poor. Critics say Pemex, the nation’s number one bad boy with regards to the environment, is attempting to create a diversion and distract Mexico from her growing problems.

“We just want to make sure every child in Mexico has a Beanie Baby for Christmas,” said Sergio DeLeone, of Pemex.

He did not respond when asked how many of the toys that would take. He was still be calculating on his fingers at press time.

“Pemex is in bed with the government but the only ones asleep are the citizens of Mexico,” said one Zapatista who demanded anonymity. “In fact Pemex is the government and the government is Pemex.”

Most children interviewed in Mexico said Beanie Babies were stupid and out of sync with what is happening.

Gates Buys Christmas

(Seattle) Millionaire computer nerd, Bill Gates, has reportedly acquired the rights to Christmas. The takeover, not particularly hostile as yet, occurred early this morning before all the good little boys and girls were awake. Associates and alleged Fifth Columnists in the North Pole were quickly informed and the transfer of power went smoothly without incident. It is not known what Gates plans to do with the holiday or what fate awaits several of the key players in its luny legacy.

Traditional Yuletide enthusiasts fear that Gates may attempt to install a secular steering committee due to statements regarding the alleged wise men and the no vacancy status in Bethlehem on December 24 so long ago.

“Mr. Gates has repeatedly slammed the Three Kings as computer illiterate saying that none could operate even the simplest laptop, especially from a moving camel,” said an aide. “Mr. Gates thinks the gold, frankincense and myrrh business was just a cover for extended corporate bungling. He says that’s why the wise men came from so far in the middle of the night.”

In closing the aide said that if the manger would have had a functioning electronic reservation program there would not have been a vacancy problem at the inn.

“Imagine the lost revenue from the time of Moses,” winced the aide.

Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries

(Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the wood- lands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.

The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) which stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr. John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone. 

Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that Spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful. What? No Guinness?

Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better.

Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.

With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…

Yule Jewel Astrograph

(General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very cosmic existence. Sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by his frank evaluations.)

 

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Growth may arrive in strange little packages with odd wrappings and a painful bow on the top. A choice is obvious although primary options may lead one to believe he is at the mercy of his own stupidity. Look before you leap but never through rose colored glasses. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are summer concoctions and should not be regularly consumed in colder weather.

 

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Peace on earth is not an advertising slogan. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club instead in order to better reach those empty spaces between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look extremely encouraging for most Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative and zoo breath will cause yet another social explosion. Don’t take any crap off your boss. According to the latest Winter Olympic/unemployment statistics there are plenty of jobs in Utah. Tonight: Cows in the barn.

 

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)

Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. Thus far you have managed to waltz through life without ever considering the importance of where you came from and where you’re going. Good job. If you can keep cruising at this pace you should achieve true enlightenment by next Thursday night. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your intellect. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Comparison shopping may convince you to shun the roll of consumer altogether. Call someone in Cleveland Heights tonight.

 

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)

Just because salmon insist on running upstream doesn’t mean you have to follow. Go with the flow but only on your own terms. Playing the waiting game is much safer in the middle of the river. Avoid predictable feeding habits. It’s time to put on that extra layer of fat for the winter before the bait goes south. Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. When dealing with family members keep in mind that they operate on similar misconceptions. It’s genetic. Get off your high horse. He will only throw you when you least expect it. Tonight: Skip the chips.

 

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper lip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but first you must make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. There’s nobody out jogging at two in the morning. Don’t wish too hard for something or you might pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is alright if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Damn the torpedoes especially the one headed for your fleshy starboard side.

 

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will perform best today by staying out of the mainstream. Buying people off could be better than putting them on for size. An old lover will hit you with his or her cane or rocking chair in the wee hours. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of cold oatmeal. You will not be run over by a large delivery vehicle this month. If you intend to speak from the heart today make sure to bring along a choreographer. Confusion reigns and that’s lucky for you since it is one of the only things you are good at. Tonight: Educational strolls.

 

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

In the year ahead you may find yourself deeply involved in the chronic pettiness the defines your performance. Better you than someone else dealing with it. File all problems under “Z” and then forget them. They are not your friends. Dreams of travel should not be chronicled by sleeping in your car. You may not work well under pressure this month. Try letting the air out of your ego. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Tonight: Tennis balls are no better than popcorn balls.

 

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when the noisy trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken may net unexpected results in the early morning. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are better. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of rap music.

 

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for a cup of coffee on the 30th. Don’t do it or you could get burned. Considering your inept manner of handling daily rituals it is surprising that you are still standing erect. Today is a perfect time to fill your dance card for the winter as the band plays on. Traveling to the beat of a different drummer may require a foghorn. Decisions can best be made by the flip of a coin. Tonight: A fish has his eye on you.

 

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. Turn up the bass. Let us know what happens. You’re going to heaven all right but get to the airport early to go through security. We care. Tonight: Panhandle at the mall. Did we mention that we care?

 

LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)

Grumpy neighbors will invite you to dinner. What could they possibly be having? Time sharing your emotions will prove to be a very poor investment. Turn up your internal thermostat or a close associate will be forced to start a fire under you. How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Wait for blocking before attempting a runback from deep in your end zone. Sometimes it’s better to settle for the sure thing and begin your operations from the 20 yard line. Although the element of surprise is valuable, throwing into the end-zone too early could leave you with terrible field position later in life. Tonight: Punt on third down.

 

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Attempts to expand your knowledge are almost certain to be successful considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is still moving in reverse and headed for that Ford pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life, you’d better get some quick. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus will enter your sign for a three-week stay – Better stock up on toilet paper. If you spend all your money on trivial things you won’t have to worry about that stack of bills screaming for attention. Turn down the volume and enjoy what you certainly cannot understand. Tonight: Totally.

 

Nisei Christmas

…Men speak of them well or ill; they themselves are silent.”

– Stephen Vincent Benet, Ode to Walt Whitman

 

One Christmas near Granada, Colorado in 1942 two soldiers sat in a dark cafe watching the snow come down. Snow was not a familiar thing to these two who would be shipping out for Italy in a few days. There was no visible sun in the sky and the windows of the cafe looked as if they hadn’t been washed since the First World War concluded some 25 years ago. One of the soldiers, Private Thomas Okamoto, would go on to be one of the most decorated fighting men in the European Theater. The other, also decorated, would serve for  two years in the 442nd Regimental Combat Team and see action at Salerno Bay, at Naples, at Cassino, and at Anzio. His name was Kiyoshi Nakamura. He was killed by a German sniper near Saverne, France in November of 1944. 

     It was in late summer, 1943, just north of Naples, that Nakamura met my uncle Cliff, and shared the following story.

We were staring out the window onto the soggy Colorado street. Private Okamoto was talking about his uncle’s strawberry garden back in California. We were not afraid to go to war but we were afraid of what may happen to our families behind barbed wire at camps like Granada. A tall, thin rancher stumbled into the cafe, ordered coffee and sent a bone chilling stare in our direction. It wasn’t a hostile look, more one of astonishment, of lassitude. He turned tiredly away from us and asked the walls and ceilings if we were spies.

Then, without warning, he approached our table. We thought he must be drunk.

“Looks like snow,” he said. “How long you been in?”

Private Okamoto answered him, followed by a crisp sir. He sat down.

“I’ve heard a lot of you pups were joining up,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean to stare but you two are the first I’ve seen in uniform. Where they sending you?”

“North Africa, sir,” I answered, “for the time being. Then Europe.”

“You won’t see much snow in Sicily either. Where are you boys from?”

“Santa Ana, California, sir. We are only here to visit our families at Granada. They were moved here in October,” I answered. “We brought them Christmas presents.”

“My name is Walters, Frank Walters. I remember spending a cold, wet Christmas at Cambrai, in France in 1917. I was at Belleau Wood as well, and with the Brits at Chateau-Thierry after the Germans broke through in 1918. I survived. A lot of us didn’t.”

“My uncle Joe was killed in the Argonne Forest,” I said. “His father and mother had only moved to the California in 1895 and they has Joe three years later. They were very proud of their American son. They were presented his Silver Star at the VFW in Santa Ana.”

“And now our government is involved with another war with Germany…and this time with those bastards, the Japanese,” said Walters, catching himself. He looked at the floor.

“You got a lot of family interned at Granada?” he asked.

“Most of them,” I frowned. “The others, a cousin and Private Okamoto’s brother are in the army. They are Americans, you know.”

“I know,” breathed Walters. “Good farmers. I don’t think they deserve what they’re getting. Somebody’s up to no good but the country’s in a panic.”

“After Pearl Harbor it’s not hard to believe,” said Okamoto.

Walters returned to his previous state, not saying anything for a few minutes, just staring out the window and then to the door as if expecting a visitor.

“How old are you boys?” he asked, returning to the present.

“I’m 19 and Kiyoshi is 20,” said Okamoto.

“The same age as my Tommy,” said Walters. “He was lost when the West Virginia went down at Pearl Harbor last December. War does not discriminate, heh boys?”

We sat there in shock. After three days visiting Granada and 14 weeks training to kill Germans and perhaps even Japanese, we thought we’d reached a certain sense of numbness. Now we were sitting here with a World War I vet who had lost a son to the Imperial Navy, to young men his age who looked like us.

“My name is Tommy,” offered Okamoto, stumbling over his words in some attempt to ease the pain that all were feeling by now.

“You’re all just children,” said Walters, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. “We were children too and it’s another Christmas. Children with guns and tanks and planes. Germans and Japanese and English and French. Dead because of power hungry leaders without the right answers. It’s insane,” he shock his head methodically from side to side. “They put your families in camps and yet you volunteer.”

“No matter how bad things seem we must retain our honor,” said Okamoto.

“Honor,” answered Walters, gathering his emotions. “You boys had better drop back a few notches on the honor and hold on to a little common sense when you get over there,” he said. The Germans are entrenched all the way up the peninsula. It’ll be no picnic.”

“We’re not afraid to die for our country,” said Okamoto.

Walters smiled a shell shocked smile and changed the subject to the wine he had drank and the women he had met in France during his war. He then took us totally off guard and asked us to write him a letter saying that it would get to him in Lamar without an address.

“Just send it to Frank Walters,” he said.

We told him we’d send him a postcard from Rome and asked him to watch out for our families if he could.

“I’ll do that,” he said, getting up and disappearing into the snowstorm.

– Kevin Haley