Mountain Gigolo Ring Broken

(Crested Butte) A sex for money operation spanning five counties has been brought to its knees this week thanks to some dandy undercover work by local vice squads. The ring, a classic escort venture, is said to involve more than 30 men between the ages of 55 and 65 who allegedly prey on unsuspecting women in their twenties. Some members of this illicit cartel are reportedly engaged in all forms of gov’ment and commerce including trash pickup and news reporting.

“These disreputable scalawags were making a killing before we moved in,” said one vice officer all the ay from the Bland Valley. “Imagine seducing beautiful young women with gray-headed charm for profit. How sick.”

The officer smiled when asked why he was in Gunnison County fighting the “optional unchaste” when the meth-amphetamine epidemic rages in the low “red state” areas of the region, saying only “That’s how puritanism works.”

The ring looks to have been most active in Third World ski resorts.

“Many of our most wanted felons have vamoosed and are now living under the protection of business associate in South America and Utah where these kind of problems are settled on the local level.

“Many of these desperate creatures have engaged in these behaviors due to some twisted belief that they needed the money to retire to the suburbs and live in baited communities where they could fish everyday,” said one local woman who is credited with blowing the initial whistle on the ring.

Despite the year-long investigation none of the law enforcement personnel involved can verify any complaints on the part of the targeted clientele.

– Kashmir Horseshoe