Author Archive for M. Toole
Santa Could Break Own Record
(North Poll) The legendary elf could break his own record in 2014; in fact the experts are calling for him to do just that.
The standing record for delivery of toys to children over the entire globe is 22 hours, 19 minutes and 8 assorted seconds. That was set in 1981. Since then delivery times have fluctuated between 25 and 30 hours due in part to sleigh malfunctions, increased air traffic and chronic distraction on the part of elves and reindeer.
“The help have always been there for us but times are changing,” said Claus. The old lady thinks part of the problem with the sleighs is due to sabotage.
But thanks to the implementation of chimney scanners, Yule radar and the relaxation of VIP visas, many experts are predicting that a new record, one under 22 minutes, could be set in 2013.
During the years 1980 through 1985 the Santa Team had trouble getting parts for an all-new Japanese fleet of high-compression sleighs. Santa told us he couldn’t even get his sleigh off the ground in 1983 due to a mechanic’s strike and had to make deliveries in a pickup.
Another year the Turkish border authorities wouldn’t let me into the country because of my alleged Greek ancestry (My father could have been from Moldavia, Cyprus or Tashkent, I don’t know).
“If we can suspend hostilities on the 24th Santa can get in and out in no time at all,” said an elf named Gandalf. “Our instant replay capacities are splintered when there are bullets in the air and they will be used for sizes and color disparities only. Rumored plans to introduce armed guards to the mix were vehemently denied by everyone up here.
Santa has come under criticism for “tedious and haphazard tracking” methods, using plots to determine progress when cameras might do the job much easier.
Gandalf is quick to disagree.
“We’ve survived for centuries without big brother electronic eye following us around. It’s tough enough landing 8 tiny reindeer and a sleigh on an icy roof without the paparazzi jockeying for space.” – Susie Compost
LOCAL WOMAN SELLS HUSBAND ON E-BAY
(Montrose) What started out as a joke has turned a tidy profit for a local woman who successfully sold her husband on E-Bay yesterday. In the first ever documented sale of a human on the internet, Susie Compost, of Dry Creek Estates, sold Herb Compost, her husband of 33 years, to a Racine, Wisconsin woman for an undisclosed sum.
According to Compost’s sister, Martha Duckworthe of Olathe, the whole thing started out quite innocently and quickly steamrolled.
“We were sitting around playing with the computer my son got for Christmas when Susie suggested we make a list of non-essential household items that we might sell on E-Bay. We had planned a trip to Las Vegas in March and would be able to use any cash we might gain from these transactions on the crap tables.”
The two women started making a list of kitchen appliances and unused furniture stored out in the garage.
“Then I thought of Herb,” said Duckworthe. “Susie had been complaining about him over the holidays and I jokingly suggested we include his name on the roster,” she smiled. “What was amazing is that she jumped on the idea.”
After about an hour an extensive list with Herb on the top was formulated.
“We thought the measure would send a message to Herb that he had better get his act together if he wanted to continue to live with Susie,” said Martha. “But the more we thought about it…maybe he would sell. Including a photo of him when he was 25 we forwarded our data to the web source and waited.”
The first day the two sold a pine coffee table and some hand-painted napkins from Branson. Then nothing the next day. By Friday, figuring the sale had run its course, they prepared to lower some prices when they got an offer on Compost’s husband as well as some glazed outdoor furniture once used in a John Wayne movie.
“We thought someone was playing games but when they agreed to the asking price on the furniture we reconsidered and began negotiating on Herb,” said Duckworthe. “After just moments the sale was completed. Arrangements were made to ship the merchandise and Herb was notified of his departure time.”
Both women told reporters that Herb just stared into the carpet.
“I think it ‘s safe to say their relationship had tempered over the years and when Susie saw that he would not protest she figured it was no real loss anyway,” said the sister.
As might be expected an anonymous busybody got wind of the livestock transaction and complained to the authorities saying that the sale of a person over the internet was quite illegal and constituted nothing more than common slavery.
By then it was too late and everyone involved seemed happy enough. The sisters could now go to Las Vegas and Herb had even wrote (the first letter in 32 years) to say he was enjoying Lake Michigan.
Hopefully these goings-on won’t set a precedent with the uncontrollable urge to sell one’s family members down the river.
“In the 21st Century we have stimuli at work not to be believed just 50 years ago,” said Armando Silte, a freelance-sociologist working in Pea Green. “Let’s face it: Humans are the renewable resource and there are lots of us to buy and sell. Talk about a brave, new world…Why would someone in their right mind want to sell a perfectly good ottoman or an antique toaster if the market in primate perishables heats up?”
– Susie Compost
TOOLE DRINKS FIFTH BEFORE HOUSE PANEL
(Washington) Downgraded cardboard billionaire Melvin Toole has covered his country’s delinquent debt to the United Nations, it was disclosed in quart this afternoon. Toole, appearing before Judge Harold Airbag on a series of dog-at-large infractions, wrote a personal check the outstanding amount, estimated to be three billion dollars.
“Upon further investigation we found out that these United States still owed money to the United Kingdom, the United Arab Republic, United Airlines, The League of Nations ($35 in flowers for George Clemenceau’s funeral, 1929), The National League and an assortment of exotic liquor companies.
“That’s why I’m drinking in your quartroom,” he sparked. I just got a letter from the IRS. Drinking steadies my nerves.”
Short Astral Peek
If you were born today: Your snow tires could be under a great deal of pressure this month. Show a little understanding. Designate a daily worry hour and stick to it. Expect canned meats to go on sale by the 15th. Santa Claus is real while you are not. A chimney made of wood cannot stand. Keep your chin up: They make a cream for missile toe. Just because you are constantly talking to yourself doesn’t mean you know what you are talking about. Jupiter is taking far too long in the bathroom – go check on him. The county will spray for pests this month – prepare to defend yourself! Going out on a limb could make a monkey of you
WHISKER CUT-OFF LOOMS
(Gunnison) The final deadline to begin seeding new growth winter beards is Friday, December 27 according to the Colorado Division of Facial Hair in Denver. This includes goatees, pork chop sideburns, ducktails and shanties but not mustaches.
Although considered overly strict by neighboring states and commonwealths, the beard legislation, passed last year after intense lobbying by shaving cream companies, the razor consortium and lots of little kids who object to kissing their stubbly dads, brothers, uncles and grandfathers.
“We don’t feel we have the right to dictate the presence of a mustache in one’s own home, especially in the male population,” said Martin Dilemma, a former barber, sheep sheerer and herbage advocate from Lake City. “As so far as other hair legislation goes, we will hold the line in 2014!”
Dilemma, celebrated as an eccentric, often appears at town meetings and public hangings in a streaked mohair suit with camel tooth gloves, alligator hair shoes and a lavender sheepskin peruke accented with the tail feathers from a local magpie.
“And that’s in July,” said one rebellious beautician who specializes in radical facial plumage at Netty’s Coiffures and Body Piercing here. “Why can’t these people let the citizenry be responsible for mowing its own lawn, so to speak?”
Already local watchdogs report 43 new beards started Monday with an expected 50 or more getting off the ground by the weekend. Authorities warn that once a beard begins, it stays until July 4.
“No exceptions will be made. Beard lovers have had the entire hunting season to walk around looking like winos without anyone gawking at them. Now it’s time to shave or get off the pot!”
– Princess Irm Peawit
FBI To Investigate Broken Campaign Promises
(Washington) The Federal Bureau of Investigation has penciled in an assortment of raids aimed at prosecuting politicians suspected of reneging on campaign promises.
Following the most recent elections the law enforcement branch has logged countless complaints from citizens as to abuses from the podium to the social arena. Since 1980 the FBI has been compiling endless reams of video tape featuring politicians in the heat of campaigning. It now appears a strike is imminent.
Armed with clear evidence of outright lying and insider misrepresentation the FBI admits that it will not be able to investigate every complaint. Instead it will focus on the heart of exploitation from the White House to the Congress.
“We can’t bust every two-bit politician who’s promised his constituency that he will slay the dragon for them,” explained one FBI agent. “We’d have to build more jails or legalize more drugs to make room for the new inmates.”
Operating on the age-old adage that if his/her mouth moves he/she is lying the FBI is conscious of red flag behavior such as baby kissing, mindless glad-handing and pork barrel appointments. In addition fiscal records have been confiscated where heavy-handed special interests have contributed vast sums to a candidate.
“A politician’s benefactors want something back for their money and we’ll be on the lookout for good-old-boy-ism and cronyism in Washington. Hopefully it will send a message to all the jerkwater charlatans holding office across this great land that we mean business.”
Breaking political promises is lying but if the poltroon electorate doesn’t wise up that sociopathic behavior will continue to flourish as part of our dilapidated system.
“The uninformed voter is a danger to himself and others,” said the source. “That’s why these parasites continue to get elected.”
– Melvin O’Toole
