Mr Obituary Dead at 102

Signelle de Bushe, known to many as Mr. Obituary, has died in Riverside, California after a long illness. Bushe is credited with having written over 200,000 of the somewhat morbid releases. He is survved by his wife Watta de Bushe and children Rose de Bushe and Sergio de Bushe of Grand Junction. Unlike most cub reporters who cut their teeth on obituaries then moved on to something else, Bushe remained at his post for 77 years. When he finally retied from the Scripps-Howard chain he was given a black hearse instead of the more traditional gold watch and chain.

The deceased, not known for his sense of humor, hated the San Juan Horseshoe, which he called “corny and without redeeming value.” In 1985 he threatened legal action if his name ever appeared or if he was ever mentioned in this tabloid.  He also demanded that no man write his obituary.

It is with these last requests in mind that we honor him.

2014 Snowboarder Calendar Features Five Saturdays

(Jack’s Cabin) A brand new calendar based on peanut butter, hot dogs and skier days will offer extra weekend time and a summer season that stretches from April through November according sources around and about here.

The timepiece, dubbed the Alpha Snowboarder Calendar will offer an extra Saturday each month and promises that the luxurious Rocky Mountain summer will be extended beyond our wildest imagination.

We have manipulated the universe so as to nail down at least six months of real summer,” said Al Earthy, a snowboarder and part-time prep cook/thief. “We’re not throwing around a lot verbiage here either,” added Earthy. “We’re talking about six months where the daytime temperatures will hang in there at the 75-degree range.”

Persons interested in adopting such a calendar should show up at the Crested Butte Town Hall on April 3 with all of their old calendars in tow.

“We’ll be accepting old calendars in trade up through May 1 and then we’ll have to start charging minimal fees for the new ones at that time,” said Earthy.

 

Bronco Tickets No Longer Covered

(Denver)Most health insurance programs no longer cover the cost of season or single Bronco tickets. According to the American Association of Insurance Brokers, distractions of this type while healthy enough on their own cannot be considered medical treatment and therefore are excluded from almost all policies.

“One could probably arrange for a policy that would cover sports entertainment costs,” said Sam Spleene, a former tobacco lobbyists who now heads up Mortality Mutual, a multi-billion dollar insurance and investment firm which serves breakfast Tuesdays through Fridays. Headquartered behind Spleene’s Auto Salvage, a known scalpers’ haven, Mortality Mutual has offered Bronco and Rockies tickets as sales incentives for the past two years.

Insurance spokesman say the tougher restrictions were part of a general crackdown on abuses within the industry.

 

Hillbillies Hijack Plane

(Owensboro, KY) Two known hillbillies have reportedly pirated a twin-engine Cessna while in flight from Lexington to Louisville. The two suspects, identified as twin brothers Delbert and Regis MacBrowne, of Bowling Green, apparently grabbed the wheel of the aircraft as it lifted off earlier this morning.

In a statement released just moments ago, the two hijackers assured reporters that the plane’s passengers were in no danger and that they would land as soon as they ran out of fuel. FBI and FAA officials, working together on the caper, fear that the two will seek refuge in Alabama where they have already petitioned for political asylum.

Readers may recall that the MacBrowne brothers were linked to the theft of bass boats, buses, U-haul trailers, and a small helicopter over the past decade. Although spit-shine indicted, neither has spent time behind bars due to chronic crowding and bogged-down courts. Regis is currently wanted in North Carolina for illegal farm sausage making and nude sun bathing while his older, and purportedly better-looking, brother recently escaped from a maximum security holding tank by floating the Tennessee River on a piece of aluminum siding wearing nothing but a child’s snorkel and his familiar Chew Red Man cap. He had been serving consecutive sentences of five years for moon shining and insider trading at the local feed mill.

Authorities have had no success in contacting cousins of the men who live somewhere in jerkwater West Virginia and have, over the years, gained the trust and confidence of the two air pirates. Locals in the Mountain State say the MacBrowns will listen to kin and police hope that the infusion of a little common sense might bring the matter to a swift conclusion.

“These people are stubborn and if we’re ever going to get them to land they must think it’s their idea,” said one FAA official. “It appears clear that the other passengers are in no jeopardy, in fact they seem to be enjoying the incident.  During our last communication we could overhear Delbert leading them in a rendition of the popular Tammy Wynette classic, “Stand By Your Man” followed up by several Minnie Pearl, Little Richard, Burl Ives, Bob Marley combos. From all indications the craft’s small service bar is open.”

An FBI spokesman today confirmed reports that the two had indeed taken themselves hostage and that demands for gourmet breakfast meats and clean socks would be considered only after arrangements for the safe return of plane and passengers had been finalized.

“You’re dealing with two desperate briar hoppers* here,” said Elda MacBrowne, Eastern Kentucky soothsayer and ex-wife of Regis. “Back up here in the hollow we don’t cotton to a lot of airplanes flying around. They scare the chickens. I don’t know how the boys learned to fly. Must have been in jail. Delbert has problems riding a bicycle. We just hope that their message, whatever it could be, is spelled properly and reaches the right sets of ears.”

The MacBrowne woman then suggested that if the authorities just sit tight the brothers would sooner of later return to earth.

“I know for certain that Regis can’t be away from his dog for long periods of time and that Delbert gets air sick,” she smiled. “Besides that squirrel season opens Monday and they haven’t missed an opening day in 35 years.”                                                                                 – Herb Ditchwater

* term of extreme endearment

“The script sits. The writer’s translated into ink what is in his spirit and his soul and his mind. Boom. I come along, I pick it up, and the ink goes into my eyes, into my mind, into my body, flows around and that part starts to inhabit me. And I know a good part when I see one.” — Peter O’Toole”

 

 

Jingle Bells Banned by Religious Zealots

(Salvation City) The age-old Christmas carol, Jingle Bells is under fire from an ultra-right religious cult headquartered deep in the Snake Oil Mountains of Southern California. The People, a newly established sect that has condemned everything from dancing to driving a car after dark, made the announcement during a revival at Bakersfield last night.

“First of all,” began Rev Juan Wonge, leader of the group, “we have no problem with most carols but this song encourages sin and deprivation. Citing such expressions as “going all the way” and “bobtail”, Wonge feels that the relaxation of morals in the continual use of “spirits” will eventually cause the faithful to take a drink or worse over the holy season.

“Maybe we could negotiate, change a few lines and still include the song on our Christmas pageant, if we still believe in that sort of think by then,” he laughed. “In the interim anyone from this flock caught humming or singing Jingle Bells will be flogged.”

Empty Congress to House Homeless Over Holidays

(Warshington) Some 800 of this city’s homeless and downtrodden will at least be warm over the holidays thanks to a compassionate and innovative arrangement sponsored by Sen. Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA).

Passed overwhelmingly by the House and Senate yesterday the plan calls for the indigent to be housed in vacated Congressional chambers until the legislative body returns for work in January. By turning meeting rooms into dorms and hallowed halls into storage areas the 800 unfortunates can be accommodated quite nicely according to proponents here.

“The homeless don’t often have a lot of accessories so storage is not usually an issue,” said one neighborhood organizer on the scene. “There are the hoarders and the bag ladies with the shopping carts but we intend to enforce strict regulations as to who stays and who goes.”

“Considering the recent status of our government maybe the elected officials will not come back.,” said Noise, a self-appointed long-term, non-essential government worker. “If that phenomenon were to occur these poor folks may be living downtown and that might result in more production.”

Input from both sides of “millionaire’s aisle” was limited with liberals lauding the program and conservatives slamming it as another socialist giveaway. They blamed Obama for future failures of the “sub-lease”.

Flea Party voices were dimmed with several leading idolatries rising to the surface suggesting that once the poor move in the government would never get them out.

“Let’s be candid here,” stressed Noise. “Our accomplishments recorded in this building have been nothing to shout about. Maybe we should let our congressmen meet in cold parks, under bridges and in blazing hot alleyways. Maybe they should debate the controversies of the day while huddled around burning trashcans or consider the worth of a bill standing outside in a freezing, windy parking lot wondering where “bed” would be tonight. Maybe then they might get a grasp of the real cycle of poverty in this great country.”

Meanwhile over at the White House a Presidential aide told reporters that Barrack and Michelle Obama would not participate in the Homeless Housing since they had done Christmas entertaining early and would be at Camp David through New Years.                  – Dinty Moore

OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM

Old MacDonald had a farm

EE-I-EE-I-OH

And on that farm he owed some cash

EE-I-EE-I-OH

For equipment here

For the spring seed there

Here a buck

There a buck

Everywhere just rotten luck.

Old MacDonald kept his farm

EE-I-EE-I-OH

And on his farm there came the bank

EE-I-EE-I-OH

With a “Pay me now”

Or we’ll take the plow.

Harsh debates

Broken gates

Higher interest rates.

Old MacDonald saved his farm

EE-I-EE-I-OH

And in the town he ran a tab

EE-I-EE-I-Oh

With a dollar there and I’ll pay next year

Profit to the middleman

Farms an also ran.

Old MacDonald gives up hope

EE-I-EE-I-OH

His last chance is you and me

With our gadgets, can’t you see

For the fields we care no more

All wrapped up at the grocery store

Old MacDonald’s farm is sold

EE-I-EE-I-OH

Corporation here…corporation there

Build cheap condos quick

Land is money…Ain’t we slick?

We’ll grow food up on the moon

EE_I_EE_I_OH

UNDER THE TREE 2013

 

UROLOGIC BOW TIE – The key here is size and the Urologic Bow Tie is purposely out of proportion. It’s so small it makes everything else seem much larger. Microscopic tie clasp and cuff-links sold separately. No implants but minor surgery required. Gift certificates available. St. Roscoe’s Hospital and the Mao Clinic. About $400.

 

ASSAULT SNOWBOARD – Is there someone on your Christmas list who takes his winter sports seriously? This snowboard is glazed with a mercury-based oleo concoction that assures immediate takeoff. Restraint device attaches directly to the brain for one’s ultimate safety. Stores easily in any large refrigerator unit. Complete with prescribed storm trooper’s footwear, this board is all one needs to carve out a chunk of territory on the slopes. Buy one this year before the feds ban these babies too. For sale at Sub Kulchure’s and all Yo Dude Stores in Wimpton and Manana. $499.

 

DANIELLE STEEL COMPANION READER – Do you know someone who has a tough time getting through anything longer than a menu? This reader presents setting, plot, characters and lavish wardrobes in simple, easy to read one syllable words. From the outside it looks like a regular book, but when it is opened up the larger than life letters jump right out at you as do the full color renditions of significant scenes. Comes with CD or cassette support. Buckhorn Books in Ouray and Bookworm in Gunnison. $25.

 

THE NEIGHBOR’S SILVERWARE – This is not only a very innovative approach to Christmas, but it reeks of subtle frugality. When choosing the proper heist make sure all the stuff matches and is clean. A gift box for the spoons, knives, forks and other pieces can be fashioned from an rectangle jewelry box, which can often be located in an upstairs bedroom. As with many of the more creative hands-on Christmas gifts, the silverware concept can vary. Many people prefer to present the utensils in an oak or pine box with a felt liner, while other more utilitarian benefactors simply wrap the merchandise in some newspaper and be done with it. Available right next door or down the block. Free unless…

 

TWINKIE CAR PHONE/DECORATIVE CANDLE ENGINE HEATER Security is the name of the game these days and this kit is sure to confuse the car thief or the back seat driver. The phone mounts right to the dash, looking like a discarded Twinkie. The engine heater candle fits right under the oil pan and ignites when the temperatures drop below zero. What a gift for the motor head. Coming in January: The Trash Bag Car Stereo, a cleverly disguised audio system that appears to be nothing more than a litter bag. It even has a quart of milk and coffee grinds sticking out of the top for affect. All Reefer Madness Boutiques, Sal’s Used Sox, Closed for Breakfast Cafe and Vampire Auto in Malfunction. $129.99.

 

CLOSING TIME COLOGNE – Radiate the seedy side of life. This perfume doesn’t attract much of anything, since the recipient of this gift will smell like a stale, smokey bar. Why spend all that money trying to be somebody? Now you can achieve that loathsome odor right in your own bathroom! Comes in pint or quart for overkill. About $90 in the lotion section of your favorite liquor store. Sorry: No sales over the bar.

 

REMOTE-CONTROL EGGPLANT PERUKE – Just like the ones worn by our founding fathers. With this fine addition bad hair days will be a thing of the past. Fits most heads and even stays in place during high winds and other periods of natural disaster or mental anxiety. Made of 100% Canadian eggplant fiber with built-in remote control that keeps locks in place. Organically pleasing too. $500 exclusively at Mike’s Market in Montrose.

 

ATM CLUB – This handy device keeps crooks at bay while making a cash withdrawal. Fits firmly over ATM machine just like the one on your steering wheel. Endorsed by real policemen and people who dress like them. Detects bad intentions after dark. Most effective when used with large caliber pistol or mace. $75.00. Mail order only.

 

VAMPIRE NIGHT LIGHT – Got a kid on your list who’s afraid of the dark? Buy them this reasonably priced gift and scare the hell out of them over the holidays. Protruding eyes follow movement and blood drips from the fangs. Plugs easily into any electrical outlet via easy access bat collar. Hums popular Christmas carols in Transylvanian. This stocking stuffer sells for a mere $5 and may be worth more. Baaaahaaaaahhhaaaaaaa….!!

 

DUST MITE TERRARIUM AND PERSONALIZED COFFEE CUP – Remind someone on your Christmas list that we are not here alone. Includes millions of busy dust mites in simulated dust particle enclosure. Lid features radioactive microscope certain to detect the behavior of tiny mites at work and at play. The coffee cup displays a large dust mite on both sides and is engraved with the name of the recipient. Give the gift that says you gave a gift this year. $150 at Mighty Mites and all Bugsy Boop’s Boutiques.

 

SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who usually wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe when used around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 at most New Age Western stores. Hang out at the drugstore in style in 2014!

 

ICE CLIMBING VINE – Just like the one covering the outfield walls at Wrigley Field! Fast-growing, this incredible bit of vegetation will survive in the harshest of climatic conditions. Needing little or no sun the vine crawls its way up any icy surface. It’s a fine gift for the ice climber or botanical enthusiast on the way to the top. Sold at OBrien’s Pub and Box Canyon Motel. Price depends on maturity.

 

MOTRIM MODEM – Just dial the right number and your headache takes a powder. From the people who brought you Target Eye Massage Field Glasses. About $100.

 

DEAD DICTATORS SING CHRISTMAS TUNES – This wonderful CD represents a tasteful mix of Yuletide favorites. Included are Joe Stalin, Papa Doc Duvalier, Anastasio Somoza, Benito Mussolini, Napoleon and others. You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed Nikita Krushchev’s rendition of Deck the Halls backed up by the Fidel Castro Quartet. $16.95 where specialty music is sold. English version slightly higher.

ˇ    -Kashmir Horseshoe