CONFEDERATE ARMY LANDS ON PLATEAU

(Montrose) Remnants of the First Mississippi Cavalry under the command of Nathan Bedford Forrest have successfully completed the first phase of the complete and temporary conquest of Colorado, according to lingering camp followers here.

The contingent, lead by Col. Donald Sultan (probably not the only man in the history of the Commonwealth of Mississippi ever accused of operating a horse under the influence of alcohol), includes such military standouts as Capt. Donnie Sultan, Lt. Bill Able and Gunnery Sgt. Charles Marter. All are graduates of Less Point, that prestigious military institute at Calhoun City on the shores of the Yalobusha River.

Originally the trek was organized so as to provide meat for some 4000 Confederate soldiers who are still holding out at Vicksburg despite overwhelming odds. However, upon arrival this brave assault force has gone on the offensive even though an estimated 20,000 green Federal troops are accidentally bivouacked at Oak Grove.

– Alfalfa Romero

Keeping the fun in marriage

with Dr. Muffy Hollandaise, MSW, PhD, ASAP, LSMFT

Part 16 – Creative Disagreement — Keeping It Civil

As my fifth husband always used to say: “If you can’t fight standing up how do you expect to make love lying down.” While many of us here in the business are not clear as to what he means we will go to the wall to defend his rite of common passage. Given: Everyone, with the possible exception of white doves, hermits, the dead and laudanum addicts locks horns sometimes. Nowhere is this phenomenon more interesting than within the sacred bondage of marital harmony.

You may ask: How then Dr. Muffy can two people learn to tolerate each other when the green grasses of secularism beckon and the chains monogamy rattle throughout the night. The answer: Don’t just sit there like a rusty old war memorial. Kick up some dust of your own. Here’s how to do it:

Most people would agree that it’s far easier watching someone else explode than to hit the ceiling yourself. That’s our first direction: Shut the hell up. Sure, it’s tough but generally your opponent will continue to hold the floor at least until they have exuded all primary hostility. Everyone thinks they know what they are talking about but no one has a clue. Blah, blah, blah…and so on.

During this peripheral exchange be sure to keep a serious look on your face (laughing will only succeed in making matters worse), don’t make eye contact (it is often seen as a sign of aggression and yet can simultaneously denote fear ), back away slowly attempting to make yourself seem larger and more formidable (running will convince the predator that you are food). While surfing the primrose path it is wise to make lots of noise so as not to startle your mate, especially if he or she is traveling with cubs (off-spring).

When the confrontation reaches phase two — the actual dialogue it may help to circulate a print-out to the participating parties. This helpful sheet can provide guidelines, parameters and information that will be covered during the brawl. This way nobody feels blindsided by issues introduced in the heat of battle. Hint: Always hold back just a little in case back stabbing is the only recourse. For example: Personal attacks on in-laws and personal hygiene are good while implications as to the lack of integrity and/or obesity are less effective.

Always take time to choose a setting that benefits both sides. The kitchen is often better than the bedroom even though that’s where the knives are housed. The garden may work well for the combatants but what about the tomato plants? Squash can be very sensitive to upheavals and often wilts on the vine in the face of entanglement. (And that says nothing of endive and/or periwinkle). Referring to the set as the battleground does not carry with it the indication that one is serious about solutions. Waiting for the other partner to be drunk is not a good idea as one runs the risk that he or she will pass out during the good part.

Timing is important too. She should throw out a contentious line during, say, the final game of the NBA Playoffs. He could do well waiting until the VISA bill arrives, unless of course he is the big spender. Bringing up an old mate is a valid approach only when he is in jail or her hair is falling out.

Never presume that you are a better lover unless you were actually present during their tender moments. Don’t accept guilt connected to such evangelical surprises as: “After failing at several suicide attempts she joined a cloistered order and was hit by a bolt of lightning while on her way to vespers; he passed away after contracting leprosy, you know, working with the poor in India; or the old standby he jumped into a small bucket of chilled white table wine from a squat piñon tree atop lover’s leap and it’s your fault!”

Along with the setting one should consider the general ambiance. The sound of a distant lawn mower or chain saw can be relaxing. The sound of a dog barking can lead to further frustration. Make sure no faucets are dripping or digital beeping is present as distraction can cause breakdowns of the communicative process.

Music is very important. Country and Western works well, especially compared to the annoying repetitions sometimes inherent in progressive jazz. Rap is not a beneficial option since it is often loud, repetitive, crude and violent. Love songs may not be appropriate either. Save them for the making up part, if it comes.

Body language should not be a consideration and physical response isn’t a solution, even for lower primates. The habit of repeating verbatim every sentence uttered by your opponent is childish and can provoke further duress.

At some point in the proceedings there should be a period of dead air when everyone is finally exhausted. This is the right time to terminate the argument. The best way to do so is to throw your arms around your partner and hug them till they turn blue. Most people find this extension less attractive than facing a bayonet but moments after the initial fear of rejection is conquered anger is usually replaced by relief. Never leave during an argument since it can be taken as a retreat and you may have to go through this discussion process all over again.

Now that the argument has come to a halt it is time to start gathering ammunition for the next big fight which we will undress in the next episode. Too-DA-loo…

Dr. Hollandaise graduated from some school back east & uses a lot of words she doesn’t understand. She can’t cook, has over 40 mirrors in her abode and is lousy in bed, according to her last five husbands .

MAJOR STORM PLANNED FOR EARLY APRIL

(Crested Butte) A massive snow storm is slated for April, just days after the spring closing of the Crested Butte ski resort according to meteorologists camped near here. Projections call for a total dump of about 50 to 60 inches.

The conditions should be incredible,” said a CBMR spokesman. “The only problem is that the lifts will be shut down.”

Already several Mount Crested Butte bars have announced plans to stay open until it melts. Residents are encouraged to support these new measures.

“It’s the best snow we’ve had all year and we figure on cleaning up on the apres ski crowd even if very little skiing is going on,” said a local libations purveyor. “All that new moisture really generates a hearty thirst and off-season could be a long one.”

Plans to collect the snow and store it for next year have been scrapped due to one Forest Service restriction or the other.

Kebler Yeti Passes On

(Crested Butte) The Horseshoe is sad to report the passing of the Kebler Yeti, a half-man, half-monster, who has roamed the outreaches of this town since about 1956. Although his exact age is not known, it is surmised that the beast was about forty at the time of his demise. The cause of death remains unknown at press time as the Yeti, who refused to give interviews, had no local medical history.

“He had a nice tan and didn’t even look sick a week ago,” said Byron Yezmann, a local biologist who often brought the Sasquatch cookies and fruit each week via snowmobile. “Let’s face it, nobody looks great after spending the winter wandering around naked in the Elks.”

Yezmann insists that the Yeti visited the town of Crested Butte most weekends but had been barred from most of the saloons since he tended to scare the daylights out of tourists. He rarely tipped.

“I’m not talking any names here but there are a lot of people who have drank with him since the snow began to fall last November,” the biologist winced. “I just hope they’ll show up at the funeral. It would be the decent thing to do.”

No replacement has been named as of Friday

BOZAR MERGES with KBUT, WSC & CBMR to become BOZARKBUTWSCCBMR

(Jack’s Cabin) The Board of Zoning and Architecture has announced a surprise merge with a public radio station, a university and a ski resort. All of the principals are located in Gunnison County.

Joining forces will allow all those affected to pool resources and continue to function and flourish during the next few years according to high level sources here. Although the merge will in no way change basic services provided by the involved groups there will be a period of transition.

“No irretrievable differences exist at the present there is always hope for the future,” coughed Margot Marmotbreath, a Denver attorney who set up the package. “If these people can all get along there is still hope for peace in the Mideast after all.”

The first board meeting involving all of the said factions is scheduled for February of 2016 unless it rains.

– Fillie Buster

Iguana Soup Recipe

After countless requests we have finally secured the authentic recipe for IGUANA SOUP, heralded in many parts of Central America as the ultimate hangover cure. Read on…

Take one regular size deceased iguana (skinned) and prepare in accordance with NAFTA specifications regarding birds and lizardry. Remove tail and set aside. Boil iguana on high for about an hour until it shrinks approximately 20%. Retain water. Add yucca, spuds, maize (if you can’t find maize use household corn), onion, garlic, jalapeño peppers and passion fruit seeds. Place animal back in pot and simmer for about three hours until meat falls from bone. Garnish with tail. Serve in brandy snifters or mate gourds. Enjoy.

Colorado man runs fishing boat into White House

(Warshington) A Sapinero man started out the day fishing for breakfast in the Gunnison River and ended up catching hell for dinner on the White House lawn. Now he can barely recognize his crumpled bass boat, which mysteriously crashed into the White House yesterday. The incident, which took place on the heels of a similar intrusion last month, has sent shockwaves through the inner sanctum of the Secret Service and left local police baffled.

“I don’t have any answers either,” flinched angler in the spotlight, Melvin Toole as he was questioned by authorities last night. “One minute I was cruising the Gunnison in my extended cab, double-barrel, aluminum tuna boat and the next I was on the East Coast. I must have taken a wrong turn at Leaps Gulch, but I don’t remember crossing the Rockies or the Mississippi either.”

Questions over White House security, voiced after a renegade airplane landed on the West Lawn in September, have once again been reiterated, with all sorts of government agencies denying the blame for this recent episode.

“The Department of Transportation blames the Secret Service while the Secret Service blames NASA, who in turn is pointing the finger at the local DC cops,” said on White House aide. “Meanwhile nobody around here is getting anything done. What else is new?” he laughed.

Toole, a former daredevil trapeze artist turned sous chef, is being held in lieu of bond at an undisclosed location. He is expected to undergo tortured tomorrow.

Neither the President or his family were at home at the time of the crash.

Some 30 healthy kokanee, which had been snagged by Toole prior to his departure from Colorado, were presented to a throng of homeless persons gathering on Pennsylvania Avenue. These unfortunates had assembled to listen to some self-proclaimed prophet sing the praises of pyramid marketing. The fish, which fed some 200 people, was a bonus, and with loaves purchased from a local bakery, almost Biblical.

Toole, who is wanted in Wyoming for sheep rustling and impersonating a bale of hay, told authorities that he would fight any charges brought against him.

“I’m not a terrorist!” he bellowed, adding that he hoped the Obamas had collision insurance.

– Small Mouth Bess

MARS DECLARED WILDERNESS AREA

(Ridgway) The planet Mars has been designated Wilderness for eternity according to a spokesman for the Disappointment Valley Optimist Club, executive sponsor of the move. With the support of the powerful We Be Victorian contingent of Ouray the conservationists successfully lobbied the Congress (with presents and loud noises) convincing that legislative body to do something about what they say is “the potential development of the Red Planet by the end of the century.

“Let’s not wait until we overbuild to start creating green belts and open space,” said one Optimist sadly. “Isn’t it enough that we’ve trashed this planet?”

As is the tradition, no motorized vehicles or oversized ice chests will be allowed on Mars. In addition cameras will be banned as will radical solar energy exploration which, as we all know, is blatant terrorism.

Critics of the development say the action comes as a diversionary tactic. Only last week the Senate passed legislation allowing a Wal-Mart to be built on Venus. Simultaneously, the House agreed to allow industrial fracking in North Dakota and massive logging operations to continue in the Northwestern United States.

“Now they have their pound of flesh,” said one developer of the environmental efforts, “just when we were starting to talk water rights. Oh well, our waferboard condos will look spiffy on Neptune.”

– Uncle Pahgre