Password and user name needed at Pearly Gates?

(Gunnison) Persons wishing to enter the kingdom of heaven this spring may be required to provide a password and user name at the gates. The adoption of these data safeguards looks to be an attempt to control hackers and identity thieves, even at this celestial capacity.

The passwords and user names should be chosen/determined by the individual candidates and must be registered properly so as to coordinate entry when that entry comes up. Passwords will not be sent to hopeful recipients according to stipulations on www.paradise.com, the heavenly web page.

“This is going to be a problem for people who have yet to master computers,” said a high-level source who talked like an archangel or maybe even looked like Saint Peter himself.

Passwords must be 10 letters long with no numbers included while user names should be no longer than 15 letters and should include at least one number and one capital letter. Zip codes, telephone numbers and Social Security identifications or winning lottery combinations will not be accepted.

For most people the inclusion of passwords and user names is merely inconvenient while for others the news has come down like the initial impact of a cold January toilet seat.

COLONA MAY GO OFF DOLLAR STANDARD

The town of Colona has announced that it will likely pursue “other means” for conducting business and paying debts. Abandoning the dollar as legal tender may be in the works due to a sluggish economy and consumer confidence statistics pointing to further fiscal pitfalls.

Right now residents here are trying to determine a course of action that might substitute Cloonies for dollars or simply go to a structured barter system utilizing local assets such as venison, trout, marijuana and firewood. Cloonies are paper currency still backed by gold and silver harvested from mining sites in the higher mountains. Locals say they have stockpiled enough of the precious metals to finance a railroad.

“At least we adhere to a standard,” said one private party here. “We don’t just go around printing paper money and then throwing it at problems like some gov’ments have been known to do.”