Author Archive for M. Toole
Avalanche of Red Tape Closes Pass
(Silverton) The Riverside Snow Shed and segments of highway along Ruby Wall continue to be blocked by massive red tape. Often a symptom of later spring melting and refreezing conditions, the bureaucratic slides have arrived early this year.
Although the exact data remains buried, state officials think the slide “happened in the middle of the night when nobody was watching”.
Instability of this genre is most likely to occur in the spring, especially when the state legislature is in session.
Several local agencies have quickly denied involvement, going to impressive lengths to distance themselves from responsibility only to discover that the avalanche would be classified as a natural disaster, a status that does not demand accountability.
Meanwhile all snowplows, front-end loaders, honey buckets and snow blowers have been summoned to expedite the removal of the red tape. Dung beetles are on standby.
“You thin snow freezes hard? Try red tape,” said one specialist on the scene. “Red tape is, by design, almost impossible to cut through. I just hope we get to blast. Dynamite is far more fun than a pick ax.”
Governor Hickenlooper, when asked to comment on the affect of the roadclosure from his desk in Denver said: “Where?” – Kashmir Horseshoe
Local Man admits to Packer slayings
(Tumble Creek) Roscoe Lovinggood, 99, has admitted to the slayings of his companions and to cannibalism during a gold seeking venture near Lake City in 1874. Taking “full responsibility” for these notorious acts, for decades blamed on Alferd Packer, Lovinggood said he shot Israel Swan and George Noon in self-defense and later gunned down Shannon Bell, James Humphrey and Frank Miller in a rear-guard action following the trios’ objections to his bloody behavior.
Local police remain skeptical since Lovinggood’s age does not match up with the admissions and that he has a history of taking responsibility for other lawless behavior, including the murder of William Julius Barney outside Telluride’s Smuggler Mine in 1902, and for the sinking of the Titanic in 1912.
“While his connection with the Titanic is mathematically feasible, he would have been 4-years-old at the time of the disaster and not a likely suspect,” said one investigating officer. “Besides that foul play was never a consideration in the sinking of the ocean liner. The other two events, however, happened before 1908, his legal date of birth, and therefore must be discounted,” he smirked.
Due to repeated demands that he be taken seriously on this matter, Lovinggood spent one night in the Crested Butte dog pound compliments of the local police force. He remains on limited probation and a fixed income as of this morning.
– Small Mouth Bess
Second Gnome Owners Asked to Clean Up After Pets
(Mt Crested Butte) Households currently hosting more than one gnome as pets on their property have been warned to police the area according to high government sources here. Second gnome owners, most of them part-time residents, have been under scrutiny of late with the current crisis approaching epidemic proportions.
“They really don’t eat that much,” said one second gnome owner from California who spends at least a week here in the summer. “We keep our pets under control most of the time but accidents do happen. It’s all quite natural.”
Authorities are most concerned with conspicuous or salient locales such as the access points to homes, parking lots, public walkways and prominent viewing areas. Controversial plans to install gnome scoops at every intersection from the gondola to the heavily fortified security gates at the entry to the community are being contested by environmentalist groups with a special session of the town council slated to meet Thursday night.
“This is not our problem,” stressed Svelte Cramer, a fifth-term councilman who moved to Crested Butte to find himself. “The second gnome owners knew they would have to settle the waste problem when they expanded their entourage. Sure, little gnomes look cute in the box or at the pet store but they grow up. They may be little fellas but they pack quite a punch,” he said.
Cramer went on to say that the average gnome lives to be at least 15 years-old and that, compiled daily, averages out to be quite a load on anyone involved. He, along with supporters on the legislative body is suggesting a whole new set of laws dictating proper health and beauty practices.
“It’s a matter of space, shrinking space, even up here, added the councilperson. “Diet, social norms, peer pressure and good example all come into play when we’re talking about training a gnome to take responsibility for his actions. Most of these pets want to please their owners. They must simply be shown the right path.”
Many residents here are turning to the European gnome which, in addition to being a bit smarter than the New World Lilliputian or the cheaper Wharf Dwarf model, common to the northwest central Southeastern Baltics. Although these Euro-dwarfs are more responsive and can be trained to use the indoor facilities in the pinch, they are often testy and can fly into fits of rage when provoked.
“They can be nasty, especially when crossed or cornered. It’s already damn well the Ides of March. We must nip this problem in the bud before spring run-off,” continued Cramer. “We can appreciate people wanting to have multiple pets for both companionship and security but they must take responsibility or the day will come when gnomes, like Shakespeare’s Dogs of Gothic, will be banned from the community.
“Back in the Seventies when the first pioneers arrived in this valley there was plenty of space to let it all hang out. Who cared back then if it was this tree or that one. Things are different now and we must decide on this matter by focusing on urban considerations,” lectured the councilperson.
In a related crisis, local leprechauns, in town for the spring holidays have complained of harassment by law enforcement officials. A contingent of about 100 of the wee people are expected to sit in on the aforementioned meeting this week.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
LIFT OP RETIREMENT HOME OPENS DOORS
(Almont) Pomolift Acres opened here today as hundreds of former lift operators jockeyed to secure accommodations. The fifty-room chalet can handle about 100 retired lift ops at full capacity. Although principals here are certain that vacancies will not regularly crop up, they encourage anyone who qualifies for residency to drop by and fill out the necessary paperwork.
Potential Pomolift patrons must be 65 years of age, a resident of Colorado, and must have labored as a lift operator for at least one full season at any recognized Colorado ski resort. Veterans of other states will be considered based on availability. The facility accepts all kinds of insurance and will even help liquidate assets associated with possible clientele. For more information on Pomolift Acres call the Almont Chamber of Comments.
-Rocky Flats
River Testosterone Levels Concern Officials
(Norwood) Dangerously low testosterone levels in the San Miguel River may lead to the draining of that artery according to sources at the county level. Shocking data, extracted from tributaries each spring, clearly shows a drop of some 14% since the same time in 2013.
Experts blame diet and the political climate for the decrease, which is linked to uncertainty and misdirection on the part of males 18-30 years-of-age. Once a bastion of sexual potency, the river has experienced continued shortfalls despite regular injections of home remedy enhancement concoctions since 1997.
“This was never a problem,” said one local official, “when Bill Clinton was President.”
Despite aggressive cross-examination the source refused to elaborate.
CUBANS CURSED WITH CASTRO-INTESTINAL DISORDER
Over half the population of the island of Cuba is suffering from acute Castro-intestinal disorders of varying degrees, according to our boys over at the State Department. The chronic maladies reportedly began in 1958 and have grown more severe ever since.
Doctors there once believed that playing baseball and smoking quality cigars would arrest the problem, but instead they have been arrested by secret police and have disappeared.
Cuban leader, Fidel Castro, has assured his people that the situation is only temporary and that he will voluntarily step down as soon as Brazil breaks free from the continent of South America and the National League establishes a franchise in Havana.
“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” – Mark Twain
