Author Archive for M. Toole
Behavior Mod Working on Highways
Several Western Slope police departments have been taking a new approach to the enforcement of traffic laws this summer. They call the program Positive Response Reaction Pacification but it’s really only simple behavior modification. It works like this:
A police officer observes a driver roaring through a school zone at 50 mph. The driver then runs a red light, makes an illegal U-turn, tears through an inhabited crosswalk and comes to a screeching stop in his front yard just inches away from a large elm tree. Does the officer pursue this reckless criminal and make an arrest? The answer is “No.” A second scenario goes like this.
The same officer observes a delivery vehicle proceeding at the allotted speed limit, signaling when appropriate, driving defensively and politely. He hits the flashing red light on the patrol car and swings into action. Overtaking the delivery truck the officer vaults from the car and approaches the vehicle.
“Good morning, sir,” smiles the policeman. “I just stopped you to tell you that you are doing a fine job operating this rig. We appreciate safe, considerate drivers like yourself on our highways. Here i s a ticket for $25. Just send it in to the circuit court and they’ll send you a check.”
This shockingly innovative program has been in effect since May 1 and has cut the average officer’s work load by as much as 50%. Already it has lowered stress and complication due to messy fines and imprisonment.
“By rewarding positive behavior and ignoring the negative, we hope to educate the public and bring about a profound change in driver mentality throughout the country,” said Juan Concerto, one of the creators of the program. “Already we see motorists following squad cars around trying to catch the eye of the patrolman.”
Suspicious vehicles will still be stopped, according to Concerto, but “the PRRP Program is a step in the right direction,” he winked.
Local man arrested for elk chummin’
(Uncompahgre Plateau) A local outfitter has been arrested and charged with operating an illegal chumming operation here. Melvin O’Toole, 96, of Pea Green is currently incarcerated at Montrose County Prison. He is expected to plead not guilty. Doesn’t everyone.
According to sheriff’s deputies O’Toole engaged in elk baiting during the sacred rutting season and, despite warnings from other hunters, ruthlessly stalked deer all summer long.
If convicted O’Toole could lose hunting privileges for up to ten years and/or face a firing squad. His attorneys told The Horseshoe that he is a strict vegetarian and was only planting cherry tomatoes when taken into custody.
“Our client is innocent and has the right to plant tomatoes at 9,000 feet even if their chance of survival is slim,” said one lawyer. “The very idea that he might try to lure game into his compound is absurd, the charges deceitful.”
O’Toole has been under investigation of late for alleged illegal pot still whiskey production up in the pinions. Authorities here suspect that the glut of single malt sagebrush spirits that hit the street this summer may have been distilled right under their noses. They have been under pressure from local church and civic groups to make an arrest.
Along with O’Toole, police confiscated over 40 salt licks, three barrels of oats, about a ton of cracked corn and assorted bales of hay said to have a street value of $100,000. No poteen, or illegal was recovered and the suspect passed a roadside sobriety test moments after being taken into custody.
According to unreliable sources police were tipped off when O’Toole was overheard saying that the kokanee fishing near Almont “was dynamite.” At that point he was under surveillance and subsequently arrested. – John Doe
GREYHOUND HYDROPLANES, TWO INJURED
(Colorado Springs) Heavy rains made for dangerous conditions at the Garden of the Gods Dog Track Saturday as one participant, a three-year-old canine named Lizzy, lost her footing in a puddle and subsequently hydroplaned, spinning around helplessly and finally landing against a wall. She was treated and released at St Roscoe’s Veterinary Hospital following the accident.
Two dog racing enthusiasts, Timothy Foltz of Ignacio, and Mondo Carmen of Los Angeles were injured in unrelated incidents. Neither were wearing seat belts or safety helmets. Foltz fell seven stories from the top of the stands after attempting to catch a fowl ball and Carmen pulled a hamstring muscle while eating a plate of stuffed eggplant. Both were kept overnight for observation.
Motorists are warned to take precautions when driving in snow and rain. Most drivers, according to Highway Patrol sources, would be far safer in a canoe than on the road.
One sad note: If you were planning to bet on the 2014 Kentucky Derby it’s too late since the legendary race took place back on May 3.
“I am most at peace living in a community where I can just run down to the corner and pick up a tub of civiche.” – Small Mouth Bess
Man on the Moon Mere Flimflam
(Houston) NASA today admitted that the 1969 landing of astronauts on the Moon was no more than an evil hoax meant to dupe the American public and distract the nation from the ongoing Vietnam War. In a lengthy statement the space administration acknowledged that the entire event was staged right down to specimens brought back.
“The whole deal was shot near Grand Junction, Colorado, out in the Stinking Desert,” said one NASA source. “We didn’t figure that so many people would be watching and well…things kind of got out of control.”
Apparently NASA, encouraged by the public’s willingness to be hoodwinked by the gov’ment got carried away and started making outrageous claims and taking credit for such a stunning victory in Outer Space.
“Even the Russians believed us,” said the source.
Coming clean on the grounds that they would not be prosecuted engineers and technicians here expressed relief that the secret lie had now become public.
“Besides,” said NASA, “everyone working on that operation has retired and the statute of limitations has run out. We suggest that Americans just laugh it off as a bad joke and go see a Star Trek movie or two.” – Small Mouth Bess
CAVE SHORTAGES WORRY BEARS
(Kebler Pass) Local bears have expressed frustration and resentment this year as higher prices and a chronic shortage of caves have driven many out of the region. A growing number of the mammals have been forced to live in ramshackle shelters or share crowded housing with other bears, not even in the same family, just to make ends meet.
Newcomers to the area have driven cave prices through the ceiling with little relief in sight according to local housing concerns who say that if the situation is not rectified Western Colorado may experience a drop in year-round population.
“In order to accommodate the urban Ursidae who brings in his honey from the outside, many of the long-term shaggies may be forced out of their territory,” said one immigrant realtor, “which is progress in its purest fiscal form.”
In a related bit of news the Department of the Inferior has announced that a scrawny skunk cabbage crop could create serious food shortages for bears as the autumn makes its grand entrance. This will most likely translate in an increase in contact between hungry bears and man. Humans actively engaged in suburban sprawl are asked to pack up their things and move back to Moline before it’s too late. Those who choose to remain are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the rigors of the natural food chain.
– Walter Wonderlust
NATION’S RUM RESERVES: JOBS VS ENVIRONMENT
(Hillsboro, Carriacou, Grenada) The United States could find itself completely out of rum in the next five years according to sugar cane brokers here. Lack of conservation and export to other planets has placed a severe strain on distillers all over the Caribbean. A desperate increase in production has only led to an even larger jump in consumption, especially in the inner cities and the outer limits.
Already several hinterland politicians are calling for an end to the moratorium on the manipulation of natural rum resources in the Rockies. They say that the continued dependence on foreign molasses will reduce this country to nothing more than a slave to the whims of the rum cartels.
Merchants here are suggesting that imbibers back off and substitute whiskey or gin for rum until this emergency subsides. Traditional sources of sugar cane have already been placed on the endangered list in the Lesser Antilles and the public consumption of native rums has been outlawed all along the snowy, white beaches of the Grenadines. – Suzie Compost
Crawl Spaces, attics could be infested
FALL IS THE TIME TO CHECK FOR HIPPIES
Special from the National Injunction Service and Homeland Security Act
(Woodstock, NY) Loyal consumers are reminded that autumn is the time to muck out crawl spaces, window boxes, attics, sheds, garages and privies for hippies. This species, like many others in our forests, attempts to locate appropriate accommodations for the winter before the snow falls. Hippies have been known to move into all types of structures from a common line shack to the Taj Mahal only to abandon those digs for a more Spartan summer dwelling when the spring arrives. It is during this cosmic mud season that hippies are as scarce as a bull elk in the local grocery parking lot.
In order to effectively rid one’s household/property of these pests one must first identify the problem. Have there been hippies nesting in the home on prior occasions? What can one do to discourage these squattings? Are you inadvertently doing something to attract them?
Board up those windows, seal up crawl spaces, insulate attics, haul old tires, cardboard, aluminum siding…anything that could be used for temporary construction…to the dump.
A little preventive maintenance today could save a multiple use nightmare down the road.
Next month: “Cat hair and high altitude salad ideas”
NO TV FOR WELFARE RECIPIENTS
In what is perceived as an attempt to show he’s no run-of-the-mill tax and spend Democrat Barack Obama is getting tough with fraudulent welfare recipients and is taking away their television privileges. The temporary action is aimed at flushing out persons receiving welfare checks who are sandbagging the system. The Obama people think the action will provoke an immediate response and that an estimated 40-50% of those abusing the assistance program will quickly terminate their relationship with their social workers. Another 25% are expected to follow suit once the weekend sports menu comes around.
Like most of his other rescue missions the details of this plan were not released. It is not known if the feds will send repo-like agents around to pick up the televisions or if the cable companies will do the dirty work from their fortified inner-city bunkers. One thing seems certain, though, the honor system will not be employed. After a few short weeks, when all the paperwork has been filed, needy people will again be able to enjoy the fine viewing that represents reality.
“Although we have not been informed of the specific variables of the procedure one thing is clear,” said Frida Fishe, special secretary to the special secretary’s secretary, “that is, that Barack wants his foot on the accelerator of this baby. He’s cramming it into second and the tires are screaming! He’s laying a heavy patch of rubber!”
The President is racing to cut the fat from the system and transfer ineffective social workers to The Pentagon or The Department of Energy by 2016. After restricting television viewing the Administration plans an assault on other lethal drugs common to federal housing projects and rural slums. Already lobbyists for the giant pharmaceutical companies have filed protests and are getting jumpy.
In time it is surmised that the majority of unwarranted welfare recipients will grow tired of listening to the radio and go out and look for work. That development, of course, is dependent on whether minimum wage crawls out of the dark ages and indigent people can make more filling orders than filling out forms. – Ripple van Winkle
