Author Archive for M. Toole
Silverton Mulls Isolation by 2021
(Red Mountain) The county seat and acknowledged Shangri-La of of San Juan County may be inaccessible sooner than state engineers had predicted, according to an ongoing study that examines alternative transport in tactical spots. Of course most of the highway from Ouray is fine, as is the continuance of Highway 550 to Durango. The bugaboos are the several spots on Otto Mears’ old toll road that are not up to snuff.
“Crazy as it may seem if there is just one impassable spot the whole road closes down,” said a top C-DOT spokesperson.
The two most serious hazards appear to be Ruby Wall and the top of the climb out of Chattanooga Gulch where bits of asphalt dangle in the sky and rocks the size of your head sit as land mines waiting to be ignited by a hapless motorist or even a bumbling mountain goat.
Unlike flat environs there is no space too work with and no way to keep the road from falling away.
“Ruby Wall is disintegrating in the shadow of massive vertical rock while the Chattanooga Gulch drop is getting closer by every rock that falls,” continued the source. “Back in January I met a semi hanging out over onto my side of the road at the top where the road whittles away to nothing. . We almost collided in the ice.”
It is these two sites that have been identified as posing the highest immediate danger to travelers. Civil engineers, tired of drawing up temporary fixes for the roadways are already busy developing alternative solutions that some say are innovative beyond belief and others say lack ingenuity and fail to see the big picture.
Proposed detours include running traffic up above Ruby Wall and far below the well substantiated Chattanooga drop off. Other maps see a major traffic shift at the former Red Mountain site that traverses up and over Corkscrew Pass into Silverton. This plan would require a flattening out of parts of Corkscrew and the widening of existing roads from Gladstone to Silverton. Paving Cinnamon Pass has been discussed but is not a serious consideration at the present time according to engineers here.
A sub-plan that calls for the flooding of Animas Forks followed by air strikes on the designated trouble spots have been discarded due to the drought and county noise ordinances. The river bottom, often a logical choice of flatlanders, is not functional as a byway after even a slight snowstorm since the snow stays around and the ice forming on the sides of the canyon take visibility down to nothing.
In a grab bag with all the other answers is a plan calling for Silverton to relocate. This unraveling retort continues suggesting that Ouray move too. Realistically we don’t expect a geographic approach to be taken seriously by the stubborn populations in these burgs.
Tipping his hat to gravity the source told reporters that the only intelligent plan to to construct a gondola system that covers present and potential disaster areas.
“We can’t very well ferry anyone across and there are no good spots to build a heliport in that country,” he continued. I don’t like the math involved with multiple helicopter trips through those tight spaces at night or in bad weather either.”
Road warriors project that experimental gondola rides will commence in 2014.
“It’s either that of they roll up the sidewalks on Greene Street for good.”
For related data please turn to
“Newspaper Inundated with Angry Letters from Silverton”
on Page 155
McDonald Sucked Into Meat Grinder
(Montrose) Local clown/restaurateur Ronald McDonald was seriously injured when he was sucked into a meat grinder at his eatery here. According to police McDonald’s baggy clown suit became tangled up in the mechanism and before anyone knew it he was gone.
“It was quite the little deal,” said McDonald employee Bennie Zitte, of Coal Creek. “One minute he was here, then the next he was bun bait.”
A badly rattled McDonald is currently hospitalized for burns and abrasions suffered at the hands of the meat grinder. Physicians agree that it might have been curtains for the clown had he continued on into the paddy machine.
“He’s a tough old bird,” said Zitte.
ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED
(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom when last year’s summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.
“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.
Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.
“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”
Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact.
Malee Restaurant
Chiang Saen, Thailand
Set Luncheon Menu
Singha Beer (ice-cold)
Grilled bowels of pork with garlic
1000-year egg salad
Papaya salad with fermented perch
Spicy Maekhong Red Tail Catfish
Fried kale with oyster sauce
Khao niaw ma-muang
(Sticky rice in coconut milk with fresh mango)
Primavera Astrograph
The following starlit appraisal appears in a bilingual state due to daydreams and serious distractions incurred during a recent sojourn to Southeast Asia. We hope that our reader will be familiar enough with the cosmic flow herein to achieve high fidelity in his/her response to heat sensitive accusations, blighted wanderlust and brainstorming in the steaming jungle. Please do not attempt to call us for further advice on our cell phone since, like many of our neighbors in emerging countries that device exists only for status and cannot be considered a serious method of stellar communication.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Pretend it’s your birthday today. Take the day off work and be lazy. Who knows you may get some nice gifts and someone with less to do than you might bake you a nice cake. Tomorrow: Pretend it’s Christmas. Others clearly want to get along without you or at least not be down-wind. Plant your garden in neat rows, then sit back and wait for a late frosty to strangle the life from volunteer crops. What the ice don’t get the deer will enjoy. Linear thinking is a far cry from the french fried fog associated with your recent logic. Tonight: Cuba Libras on the veranda, Amanda.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Armonia en el amor y en la vida social. Opportunidades de matrimonio. Buen momento para disfrutar de las artes y de la musica. Trabaja bien en equipo pero probablemente le desagrade la rutina. Sensible e imaginativo, con frecuencia se inclina por lo creativo. Puede tener talento para escribir y desempenarse admirablemente en lo teatral. Esta noche: Tendra su oportunidad.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Dig into work but watch out for buried power lines. Others are much more serious about your money than you are. Intuition works well when dealing with canned goods. Take your imagination for a long walk. Employ foul language to make a point with superiors. Who is that person looking back from the mirror? A nose job should be considered high priority, at least then some part of your anatomy might be gainfully employed. Get up off that couch and go back to bed. Tonight: Plot against your betters.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Salir por la noche con su pareja o un amigo le hara bien. Tendra meyor confianza en si mismo y mas coraje. Avance hacia el logro de sus ambiciones. Disfrute de actividades fisicas tales como desportes o baile. Moento para darse algunos gustos. Por la noche gozaria con placeres simples. Esat noche: Pescado en su cama.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Nerves of steel cannot always overcome personal magnetism. Hold off on responses until stimuli have landed. Smiling could be regarded as a weakness by competitors or a day off for the tooth fairy. Take a deep breath and hold it. A charming Capricorn will cast you in a sci-fi flick. Your need for human contact may attract pickpockets. Cook all feedback well before consuming. Romance should be served medium rare while solitude is often better steamed over rice. Tonight: Door number three.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Jump at the chance to visit Mars. Avoid placing trust in your inner voice since it doesn’t pay the bills. Listen instead to telephone solicitors. The flatlands beckon. Change hair color to match a friends’ sofa. Think before breaking wind. Document second honeymoons. Stay with short sentences or maybe just for a night or two with relatives until you get a job. Celebrate lawn growth. Placing a loved one up on a pedestal just might increase your elbow room downstairs. It’s hard to stay centered in a world full of rectangles, but it’s better than getting caught in a corner.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Una promesa que le hubiernan hecho no se cumplira. Pero ya sabe cuando una puerta se cierra se abre una ventana. No descuide a su familia y sus obligatciones laborales por divertirse. Aunque desearia escaparse debe enfrentar la realidad. Descanse bien esta noche. No es propio de usted sonar despierto. Las fantasias podrian desilusionarle si se aferra demasiado a ellas. Esta noche: Este alerta.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 -December 21)
Facial ticks become contagious by dawn. Spend afternoons naked. Never kiss the first mate and confront only people who are already on the run. Crowding the trough will only make matters worse. If you insist on chewing the cud while I’m talking to you at least have the common decency to do so with your mouth closed. Serbian policemen do not find your jokes amusing. Life is a long drum solo. Your authority figure could benefit from a strict diet. A bully may make fun of your kilts on Thursday…She’s just jealous of your calves. Tonight: Rat on a neighbor.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your galactic condition demands medical attention. How do you expect to merge with the cosmos when you’ve run out of gas? There is no name tag on precocious. Identify adverbs before they identify you. Break from tradition…Deposit your welfare check. Detour the impulse to compromise. Take the straight ahead approach in a round and about way. Life builds character…The government builds prisons. Mumble: It’s far more difficult to be taken literally that way. Juris Prudence is not a topless dance. Tonight: Marvel and hanging plants.
AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 18)
Account for waking hours. Embrace a healthy fiscal philosophy by leaving cash, checks and credit cards at home. Invest in rare meat tins. Avoid respectability through the end of the month. Your future is in your hands but only if you learn to think on your feet. Chances of outsmarting yourself have been exhausted. Common sense is totally out of the question. Planting onions next to roses could make for a tedious harvest. Quality time in the jungle could free you up from chores at the zoo. Tonight: Gin is your cup of tea.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Famine and chain saws just don’t mix. We all need someone we can careen on. The handicapped never asked for all those parking places. Don’t blame them. Blame the feds. Sorry, the catbird seat is taken. Try the peanut gallery. No freeloaders on the gangplank. Fresh horses all around! The gap between your ears will only function with a little practice. Throw it a few scraps and see how it responds. Hyenas understand extended family and creative uses for leftovers. Burn those bridges but watch the hydrocarbons. Tonight: Pole vaulting with a vengeance.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Sagittarius will be bored with your inner secrets. Laughter marks the day’s end. Unfortunately you are the butt of the joke. Be open to processed creativity. Recognize limitations even if they are in disguise. Shake up the status quo…and while you’re at it shake up a pitcher of martinis. Much you believe isn’t confirmed. Much of what you hear has yet to be said. Never run with scissors but apparently it’s OK with a bayonet. Focus on concrete. It’s far easier to construct a chicken coop than a financial coup. Tonight: Flirt with exotic fish.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, palmist, seer, wannabe swami
