Author Archive for M. Toole

I Love Lucy Episodes Can’t Be Stopped

(Hollywood) Subsequent showings of the once prime time I Love Lucy program cannot be terminated electronically, and will continue to blanket the airwaves for many years to come according to most network sources in Southern California. The programs, which have run in succeeding order, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, one after the other, for the past month, seem to have a mind of their own.
“The whole things has an enchanted nature about it and in truth shows more creativity than this medium has seen since the Fifties,” said a published report. “Even if one entity owned all the TV stations in the country the phenomenon would no doubt continue.”
The Lucy episodes began appearing on every network in America immediately following an Federal Communications Commission sell-out which allows for the further exploitation of the public air waves by rich, special interests seeking control of information. The recent FCC ruling allows for a relaxation of restrictions on multiple holdings across the country and opens the door to controls by the privileged few.
“These are the fat cats that helped bankroll the communications takeover,” said the source. “Now they are reaping the benefits of promised pay backs.”
According to media watchdog groups these torturous displays of often tedious and neurotic repetition are either an attempt by the government to distract the populace or could be the beginnings of an alien invasion of the planet.
FCC sources tell us that they are studying the problem and hope to get to the bottom of the riddle before the new shows come out next fall. In the meantime it’s Lucy or the test pattern. Independent stations and public television representatives have expressed concern that their signals are being interrupted and/or sent indiscriminately into outer space.
Despite a slight drop in ratings the changes in format have not been detected by our regular viewing audiences.
“I especially enjoy the segments where Fred and Ethyl (Mertz) are featured but I don’t care for all the nightclub hype with Ricky Ricardo,” said one FCC clerk. “It just doesn’t seem real to me, but I’m a big cop show fan.”
Consumer advocates are boiling at the these developments but continue to echo the same mantra: You will not learn a damn thing by watching television. It makes one stupid. It is a waste of time. They further insist that the only way to combat Big Brotherism is simply to turn the damn thing off.                  – Fred Zeppelin

Sock Market Crashes

(Wall Street) The American Sock Market, recently driven to its knees and ankles by foreign competition, has finally snapped, according to unreliable sources here. Imports from China and Malaysia and Bangladesh have flooded the feet market of late.

Gaping holes in the domestic market have combined with limp protectionist policies caused the situation to slide down and sag rapidly.

According to a respected industry spokesman, Bobbie Argyle, we may never ever again see a pair of union-made US socks.

“If the modern robber barons had not demonized and gutted the unions in this country, we might have avoided this demoralizing predicament. This is indeed a sad day for feet in America! If we cannot even manufacture our own socks what do we have?”

Rocky Mountain Recipes

Franco-America Spam
Take one large can of Franco-American spaghetti and mix thoroughly with tin of Spam (medium size). Boil to taste.
Blender Beanie-Weenie Dublin Pate
Take three small cans of beanie-weenies. Place in functional blender with just a splash of water or Irish whiskey. Blend till pudding-like.
Next Month: 2000 Untouchable Ways to Prepare Brahman Noodles

From the Ballroom to Hell

Equally a sin for both sexes

by T.A. Falconer
Ex-Dancing Master

The most accomplished and most perfect dancers are to be found among the abandoned women. Why? Because they are graduates of dancing schools.
If any should wish to ascertain the truth of this, let him ask the girls themselves.
I have for several months been working in a Mission of Los Angeles, and where I have before seen causes at work, I have now had ample opportunity of seeing the effect, and I have often heard some of these unfortunate ones cry out in bitter anguish: “Would to God that I had never entered a dancing school.”
The following 200 were cases of girls who are today inmates of the brothel whom I talked with personally. They were frank to answer to my questions in regard to the direct cause of their downfall, and I gathered that these were ruined by

Dancing school and ball-rooms 163
Drink given by parents 20
Willful choice 10
Poverty and abuse 200

I know of a select dancing school where in a course of three months eleven of its victims are brothel inmates today.
I have, in preceding chapters, spoken chiefly of the harm that comes to women from dancing, and have shown how vile men make use of the privileges the waltz and its surroundings afford to lead once pure girls to impurity and often to crime. But do not think for a moment that because I have here thus spoken, that I hold the women blameless or the dance to the man harmless.
While the woman is more often disgraced in the sight of man, I believe that in the sight of God the sin o dancing is equally a sin for both sexes.
A girl is often ensnared into intoxication and thus into greater sin by vile men, but she is not wholly excusable. If she goes to a ball she must take the consequences. Every woman has a God-given instinct which teaches her right from wrong, and she cannot but know that to indulge in such emotions as the modern waltz fosters is wrong.
It is a horrible fact, but a fact none the less, that it is absolutely necessary that a woman shall be able and willing to reciprocate the feelings of her partner before she can graduate a perfect dancer.
So even if it be allowed that a woman may waltz virtuously, she cannot, in that case, waltz well.
It matters not how perfectly she knows and takes the steps, she must yield herself entirely to her partner’s embrace and also to his emotions. Until a girl can and will do this, she is regarded a scrub by the male experts.
I would that young women who dance could just once be “behind the scenes” when young men meet after an evening’s dance to discuss it together, and hear such remarks as “that Miss ….. is a perfect stick. I would not give a fig to dance with her. You can’t arouse any more passion in her than you could in a putty man. To waltz with such as she is not what I go for.”
Or, another says: “Ah, but that beautiful Miss Smith is a daisy. She is posted. This waltzing is the greatest thing in the world. While you are whirling one of these deer creatures, if you do the thing correctly, you can whisper in her ear things she would shoot you for saying at any other time, but she likes it all the same. They take to it naturally enough if they are properly taught. If you don’t know just how it is done, go to a dancing master, or any professional dancer. They know, and they will soon let you know. You will soon become a waltzer, and this find out what there is in it.”
Such remarks, and worse than these (remarks unfit to publish in this plainly written book) are made, my fair young ladies, after the ball, about you by the very young men who, at the dance, you thought so nice and who are so considered. I am ashamed to say in by-gone days, I have been among these young men myself, and I know that to hear them give free expression, loose-tongued, to the lewd emotions and sensual pleasures in which they indulge while in your embrace is almost as common as the waltz itself.
I repeat what I have said before, that I do not refer to rough, uncultured men, but to those who are looked upon by society as most polished, refined and desirable young men.
If it be true that a woman, however innocent in thought, is the subject of such vile comment, if there is the barest possibility that it may be true, is it not also true that if she is possessed of a remnant of delicacy, she will shrink from exposing herself to such comment, and flee from places of dancing, as from a den of vipers?

Hardtack Horoscope

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
If you’re out looking for answers be careful not to trip on the questions. Clues can be blinding and may easily get you off the trail. Distractions placed along the way by those who seek to destroy you may turn out to be shrouded, thorny episodes in an otherwise privileged life. Don’t get discouraged if you discover only pieces of the puzzle. When your energy diminishes don’t get cranky, just cease operations for the day and take a nap. What you seek will still be there tomorrow. Tonight: Dictate foreign policy to domestic help.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t make a major issue out of what is at best a trivial departure from the norm. It’s better to down-size and blow off what is reputedly imperative. If you insist on infusing importance to petty issues you should look into a career in politics. Carefully read all small print, paying little attention to screaming headlines. For now success may not be in accord with your personal agenda. In the near future winning and losing may look the same and allow you to keep pace with inferiors at home and at the work place. Tonight: Brussels sprouts on impulse.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Curtail the obsession to consume. You don’t really need another cowboy hat. Your wardrobe, though terribly bland, is functional at least for someone in your state of being. Slow down and shop around for a better price. There is no rush to acquire accessories. It is unlikely that anyone will see the holes in your socks until the spring anyway. Dry clean all avocations before going out in public. Note: The selection of smaller hat sizes may be difficult to find once tourist season arrives. Tonight: Keep your elbows out of the finger food.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Embrace the fools’ errand and you will neglect the wisdom attained in your own backyard. If you don’t have a backyard try the alley. Gated communities are there to keep people like you on the right side of the fence. Go ahead…get yourself in a dither over negative situations yet to evolve. Temper optimism. Shortcomings will not go unnoticed when a co-worker puts the bite on you. Your stream of unique ideas may dry up without a trusty irrigation shovel by your side. Tonight: Examine holes in your thinking.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Learn to flex in romantic relationships. Let your sweetie have his/her way. It’s cheaper than counseling. Extremes, both emotional and fiscal, may lead to impractical expectations when it comes to pet waste removal. It’s OK to be afraid of other star signs. When making poor decision wait until all the information is at hand. You possess little in the way of style, so don’t worry about someone cramping it. Taurus can be a stabilizer or an albatross. Tonight: Beam someone up.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Time spent in front of a mirror should be more reflective. If you don’t see yourself clearly what chance do your peers have at understanding your transparent moods. Innovative solutions are often biodegradable but may throw a wrench into the compost heap. Watch others work. Your dynamic approach to dermatology may not work with lepers out on a limb. There is always new turf to explore through total immersion and a topo map turned upside down. Cease all nurturing until further notice. Tonight: Vanish quickly after dessert.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Tough to handle a family member? Throw a blanket over them until they see the light. Two by four is eight. Use tear gas only as a last resort. Communication with some people is greatly over-rated. Yelling at a blind mule is often effective in the early morning hours. An object in motion will stay in motion so you best get out of the way. Curb aggressiveness and frustration then clean it all up with the scooper. Accept invitations that involve being around angry mobs. It’s all in your mind anyway. Tonight: A mob of one.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Fizzling bundles of energy can be annoying. Understand the difference between fiesta and siesta and you will not get salsa on your sheets. Sensations of mud invoke nostalgic longing as you remember your own evolution from sophisticated fish to sub-human. Hypocrisy is only a temporary solution. Your ruling planet, Mercury goes retrograde by the end of the week…Try an oil change. Stop acting like a two-year-old in a business suit. Shut up, do your work and go home before lush hour. You have not abandoned your youth but it may have abandoned you. Tonight: Take a nap before bed.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
If you talk the talk and walk the walk you are officially multi-tasked and should not have to be bothered with monotonous chores or tedious follow-through. Satisfaction arrives in small doses but an occasional binge or the desire to indulge should not upset the celestial turnip cart. Lubricate all shifting mental gears. The world may be your oyster but someone is hogging the horseradish. Define destiny and embrace the cosmos but take a cab after dark. Those people on the TV news are your only real friends. Tonight: Bond with an anchor.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Reassess surviving values. Stabilize objects before the pursuit. Be a sport. Compare ethics before preaching. Attend to the burdens of increased wealth by spending more than you possess. Buy a recovering wino a deluxe ant farm. Fake charisma. Opposites attack. Be sure to back up all lies with facts. Run your dog, not your mouth. Manifest your density. When making inroads watch out for deer and elk. Keep your personal life separate from romance through the 17th. Obey orders! Consider: Why does the Howler Monkey sit in the mango tree? Tonight: Store all perishables by expiration date.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Emphasize long term goals in short order and get on with present wastefulness. A sensuous Scorpio may push your button over the lunch hour. Put all radical changes on your credit card. Take care not to wet yourself when absorbing information. Use a bucket and sponge when encountering well-worn morality. If your perspective seems out of kilter try standing on your head before making longwinded decisions. You really can do it all but why would you want to? Tonight: Say yes to chaos.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Offers of second-hand advice may result in third-string undertakings. Drift. Just because you adopt a low profile approach doesn’t mean you have to reach for a solution. A beer can is an audio-visual aid. Take it slow in the arena of marvelous accomplishments or others may expect you to be functional all the time. Chew your food well and let others swallow their pride. Your mental prowess may fall short of solicited alternatives. Keep smiling…Be proud that you still have three or four teeth to display. Tonight: Industriousness is your middle name.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, favorite of the zodiac, brother to the moon, pawn to the elements, reluctant sage, a mere insect in the cosmos.

Scientist Baffled by Almont Triangle

(Taylor Park) Scientists here remain bewildered by a series of unexplained activity within the infamous Almont Triangle. For the past 25 years there has not been one fantastic, uncanny or bizarre incident observed or reported. Nothing has been lost. Nothing has been found. Nothing much has happened at all. It just sits there, a phenomenon to be sure, but only in a natural sense.
“Those guys down near Bermuda have all the press, all the attention,” said Professor Wanna Boy Hirsch of the often-sanctimonious Institute of Seismic Delusions. “They have an active triangle that regularly gobbles up ships, airplanes, lord knows what else.
“We, on the other hand are stuck with this impotent, albeit beautiful piece of real estate, populated by giddy eagles and cavalier mountain goats, who, quite frankly couldn’t give a damn if our whole monitoring system self-destructs by morning.”
Hirsh admitted that the area exudes charm and wilderness unparalleled in the Lower 48.
“But what we’re looking for is a triangle that might eat an occasional tourist or a boatload of rafters,” he said. Then maybe we’d get some headlines. Maybe we’d get funding for our continuing research budget.”
Hirsh and an assortment of carpetbaggers associated with the triangle have purchased most of the vacant adjoining private land nearby. They plan to create an Almont Triangle theme park, if they can gain approval of the Department of the Posterior, reputedly located on the Easy Coast of North America.
“Just wait until Hollywood gets wind of our struggle” he smiled. “Imagine how they will portray this pristine region on the big screen!”
Critics suggest that Hirsch, the Institute of Seismic Delusions and the Department of the Posterior are nothing more than blemishes on the teenage nose of the nation. They are calling for a dermatological moratorium on any new studies until the old studies are adapted.
“There’s nothing wrong with our triangle as it is,” said one geologist who keeps rocks. “If it were a square or circle and we would embrace it in likewise manner.” – Roaring Judy