ROCK SOUP

Mouse for rent in Montrose. No cats. 249-CHEZ.

Important: Will the people who were swimming in Bus Barn Lake Monday please call the Gothic Biological Warfare Laboratory as soon as they’ve had their lunch. Also, need a ride to Shiprock any Friday night through July. Sarah, Deplorum Springs.

For sale: Nice business suit and tie worn only once during visit to the United Nations in 1959. Call Fidel Castro collect in Havana. Price negotiable.

Want a six-foot chocolate statue of your Aunt Pearl? How about a nice birdbath fixture or mom, dad and the kiddies? Stop by the Russell Stover Bunker in Montrose for personal molding. No limit to configurations! Extensive castings weekdays only. Also looking for models for Halloween, Cinco de Mayo and Easter assortments. No Irish.

WIN A NEW CAR! Enter the Gracious Tipping Lottery simply by leaving a decent tip after you eat in Western Colorado! That’s right. Recognize good service with an appropriate gratuity this season and your name automatically goes on our master list. (Disclaimer: Many contestants could win a kitten, a barking ticket or a high pressure time share weekend getaway instead of a car.)

Thanks to all of the kind neighbors who helped get my boyfriend’s head and shoulders out of the chamber of commerce toilet bowl last weekend. Red is currently at St. Roscoe’s for observation and feeling fine. He was able to watch the Rockies all weekend. We’ll never forget you.

Dear Dandy Home Alarm Company: Thanks to my trusty .357 and my even trustier German Shepherd I won’t be needing your services effective immediately. If you doubt my sincerity just try to get into my house. No courtesy callers. Sir Otis of Liver.

The San Juan Horseshoe is no longer financially capable of transporting the residents of Colona to Carnival in Rio de Janeiro in February. Instead a day trip to Mesa Mall has been arranged for interested parties. No wee-mails.

Carved from local butter: Custom signs for every non-occasion. June Special: PLEASE WIPE SHEEP BEFORE ENTERING signs in buffed mahogany spread. 2 for $5.

Summer rental: Tamerlain’s Bedpan: $450 per month plus first and last. Also parting out Joe Stalin’s mustache and upper dentures thought to have once traveled as consort to Alexander the Great. Hemingway’s liver: 1/2 off through Bluegrass Festival. Will trade Benedict Arnold’s egg poacher for reliable used car. Mack the Hack, Sawpit.

Lost: Pair of snowmobile boots at the old St. Lazare Station last February. If found please respond directly to Claude Monet. Small reward in francs.

Now at local groceries: Yuppie Beans! Designer beans for people who never had to eat the damn legumes because they were hungry and broke at the same time. So what if the peasants have to eat leaves, sticks and pieces of cotton. Now everything is in order – a friend.

Ever wanted to hunt ducks on skis? All the beautiful people are doing it! Opening soon: SKI WETLANDS, an environmentally lucrative, four season reclaimed recreational facility. Call us today for the deluxe tour. We’re in the Jello Pages.

Anger management counseling Tuesday evenings at your local library. Bring boxing gloves, mouth piece and concise beating instrument. If you’re all pissed off you’re no good to anyone. Guaranteed results or at least a damn good beating from fellow classmates. Dr. Simon Lackluster, Heartbreak Hotel Terrace, Goodenough Gulch.

Improve tunnel vision without surgery. Dial 7.

I will scrape your windshield on cold winter mornings while you go back to bed. Deadline for new customers is July 5. Tongue depressants, wheelbarrow photography, foot massage. Mack the Hack, Sapinero. Over 600,000 miles without major chromo-dynamic malfunction.

Gay yucca plant would like to meet others of same persuasion for perennial relationship. No plastic geraniums, gourds, fungi or thallophytes please. Blind Box 499, Horseshoe.

EGO REDUCTION. Simple surgical methods. Satisfaction final. Group rates. Dr. Simon Lackluster, Director of Excremental Medicine, 222 Penal Enlargement Terrace, Big Pickup Springs, CO. We accept Plastercard!

Licenses janitor needed for Edith Bunker Nashville Forest. Must show proof or transportation and get along well with trees. Call the Department of Interior Request Line to schedule battery or awfully painful shots and marginally annoying Predator Compatibility Testing. Can you read maps? We’re also looking for an anal-incentive desk squatter to write grants, establish cohesive lunch hour sing-alongs, and tell us what to do tomorrow. College grad preferred. No Protestants. Fin and Gland, Denver.

Need a Maid: Just someone to keep my house clean, cook my meals an go away – Neil, Topanga Canyon.

Why rent in Hell when you can buy? What do you care if it’s a thirty year or fifteen year mortgage? What does the man on TV mean about “the eternal investment”? If you’ve answered “yes” to three or more of the above questions we want to talk to you! Let’s face it friend…You’re here for the duration and your financial future is at stake. This offer is in no way associated with Ol’ Scratch Time Shares International. For more information send us your complete name, address an sociable security number. We promise not to sell mailing lists unless it is in the best interest of the client.

Upwardly mobile pawn seeks kings, queens, knights, bishops for summer romance. No rooks. Checkmate services, Wimpton.

If we don’t have your food to your table in less than 24 hours it’s probably cold. Offer void during World Cup matches. Grady’s Gravy Heaven. Now at Bland-Terminal Mall, Aspirin.

Wounded animals are dangerous. Stay away from wounded animals – This message paid for by your Colorado Division of Wildlife, 86 Bad Neighborhood Vista, Denver.

Wocal West Home looking fow secuwity guawd. Send resume to Elmer Fudd, Head of Secuwity, Wambwing Wake Viwwage, Montwose.

Will trade new hunting rifle for Streisand tickets. Lorenzo of Tin Cup. Lost: King size waterbed on Ohio Pass. Reward. Call me on my smell phone.

Jake Brake Cologne – The right scent for the over-the-road warrior who hopes to make it down to Ouray before dark. Available at Red’s Mountain Pass, Otto’s and other fine eateries with large parking lots. Bottled under the strict supervision of her majesty, Mother Cline.

Found: Small Good Neighbor Spam doggie sweater at the top of Lizard Head Pass. Half turned over to authorities in Dolores County, the other half to the San Miguel County Sheriff’s Office in Rico. Keys to 75-foot RV tossed into woods. Glad to have been a help.

Local meatball seeks young tomato for clandestine relationship. I hate pushy frogs, drive a cab-over pickup and like to sleep late on Saturday mornings. My brother is available too. References. Stop by Apocalypse Trees and Shrubs, on the Indian Massacre Highway in South Manana.

Will trade 1961 Topp’s Roger Maris baseball car for righteous bungalow in San Miguel County. Rookie Pete Rose for condo in Ouray. Have 1964 Fleer Ken and Clete Boyer cards as well as team cards of the Cardinals and Yankees. Will swap for 40 acres on Spring Creek Mesa. Perfectly preserved Don Newcombe, Don Drysdale, Sandy Koufax, Clem Labine staff card. Willing to part with this gem for small ranch in Hotchkiss. Many other sports treasures too. Ted Turner Cardboard Land Company.

ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTER CUFF LINKS almost in time for Father’s Day. All Jewelry by David is non-edible. It is created with jewelry tools on a silly bench with intruders always on premises intent on opening my bar without the advantage of laser support or common sense. Party-O Ventures.

LEARN TO FLY THE BIG RIGS! Classes now forming. Budget Airlines, Denver and Cheyenne.

Will wash your car all summer in return for long distance telephone privileges in your home. Got any sisters? Whitewater Walt. Watch for me in the bar ditch along Highway 50 or at any used food outlet.

VOODOO DOLLS for the links. Tired of watching others putt well while you miss the cup? Works great on drives and even at the 19th hole. Marie Laveau, NOLA.

For sale: Humor publication drawn and quartered in Rocky Mountains. Current publisher seeks to pursue life of crime including outdoor activities, indoor activities, childhood fantasies, adult conversation and lewd afternoon cocktail parties. $180,000. Includes all fixtures human and otherwise, one-of-a-kind office furniture, water cooler, life-size Baja Porky Pig Sheriff Savings Bank, picture of Slim Whitman at the Garden of the Gods, seaworthy filing cabinet used only once on the beach during the first Normandy Invasion, reconditioned outboard engine, what’s left of the air freshener dispenser, Havana cigar box stuffed with plutonium Disney figurines. Will trade for high paying snow removal position in struggling Caribbean democracy and $175,000. No checks. Serious buyers only. 30% to peruse over three sets of books. Melvin Toole Ponga Brokers, Box 615, Gunnison, CO 81230.

I retired at six-years-old. So can/should you. Send $25 for kit to Melvin Toole c/o this rattle sheet.

Devious drunkard seeks small, beat up trailer for use during the warmer months. Will be constantly late on rent and leave the whole shooting match a mess when autumn arrives and I go hunting and then back out to sleep in the woods. References on request. Will Also consider caretaker position unless I decide to go to Mexico for the holidays. Warren of Wexley evenings at Apocalypse Liquors, Wimpton Circle.

FOR SALE: CRESTED BUTTE SKI AREA. Serious inquiries only. Does not include meat division or latest snow making technology. Market price.