Reverend Ralph

by Mark Tulin
College students have so much spare time that they don’t know what to do with, and are liable to stumble into anything. I was no exception. Last Saturday at 10 a.m. I was wandering around campus when I stumbled upon a famed healer conducting a religious service. I figured I had a couple hours to kill before lunch time so I walked into the First Mongolian Church at Pugh and Elm Streets.
Once inside an old stone church, I was greeted by happy organ music. a blonde girl in a shocking pink dress was pounding out “Rock of Ages” on the organ and had the congregation singing. The people were divided up into two sections determined by their degree of ugliness. I took a seat next to a toothless black woman with loose brassiere straps.
Soon Reverend Ralph, the healer, took to the podium. He was a short person with jet black hair and a fat squirrel face. He smiled up to heaven and sneered down to hell. I sat quietly and listened as he told us how sinful the world is today with all the crooked doctors, politicians and travel agents. He said that there are more sexually deranged children and grandparents today than in anytime in our history.
With forceful hand gestures and derisive language, the Reverend got the people jumpin’. He had everybody shouting hallelujah and waving their hands. And when Reverend Ralph said to let the spirit move you as it will, one woman fell to the floor and started to twist violently and muttered papal obscenities. Being a pre-med student, I thought she was an epileptic having a grand mal seizure. so I put a coat under her head and tried to get her mouth open so she wouldn’t swallow her tongue. I stuck a number two pencil between her teeth.
I asked for help but no one responded, so I went back to my seat thinking that it was right and proper to convulse on the gothic church floors.
After I sat down I watched the people embrace the holy spirit. I couldn’t help but feel excited. I stood up and sang the “Song of Psalms” off key and blurted out Amen at inappropriate intervals. I enjoyed being a fool.
Then the Reverend requested us to love thy neighbors better. I held hands with a large, toothless woman and kissed her gooey lips and told her that I loved her and Jesus, in that order. Anything Reverend Ralph said to do, we did. If the Reverend had said to put all our money on goose eggs, all of us would turn bullish on geese. what this lead to was this, Reverend Ralph compelled us to remove our checkbooks and write him a check for twenty bucks. He also accepted Mastercard and lowered the asking price to as little as “anything you got.”
After his henchmen collected the donation buckets, Reverend Ralph came down from the stage to heal his congregation.
First to be healed was an old woman unable to walk. Reverend Ralph approached this tiny white haired lady and asked her if she believed in the healing spirit. When she said she did, she shut her eyes and prayed. Then the Reverend said, “With the power of God invested in me I command the pain in your legs to disappear.” He shouted “Whammo!” and slapped the lady on the forehead. Reverend Ralph told her to walk, and to everyone’s surprise, the old gal started to strut like a mummer down Broad Street.
The second person to be healed was a middle-aged man with an upset stomach. The Reverend asked this pencil-thin man to believe in God’s healing power. the Reverend rubbed the man’s belly and ordered the nausea to disappear. Reverend Ralph promised the man that he would feel better when he got home that night, provided he didn’t eat any stuffed peppers.
It was another miracle by Ralph, but I was hungry and could only last for one more healing. The next hotdog, er person, was a long-haired teenager with a mental problem. He thought he was a rabbit. Not a furry tailed bunny rabbit, but the kind that works on fuel and has good gas mileage. The Reverend told the boy that there was no diesel motor under his hood, but a lie planted there by Satan. Reverend Ralph told the young man to say a prayer. Then the Reverend boxed the boy’s ears and shouted “Whammo!” The boy dizzily spun around, and after regaining his balance he no longer made loud, clanking engine noises.
After the charade, I got up and left. I passed the old woman who miraculously regained the power to walk. I looked into her face and I detected no insincerity. She had an angelic smile which led me to feel guilty for leaving the church without making a contribution. For a moment I feared that I wouldn’t be saved or be let into heaven, and as punishment, I would have to spend the hereafter in front of the pearly gates shining shoes.