Author Archive for M. Toole
Many Plants Harbor Resentment Over Food Chain
(Banana Belt, CO) Many domesticated plants of the garden and household variety are angry over what they see as discrimination regarding their long held place in the food chain. Saying they would eat humans if given the chance, a more militant philosophy has taken hold especially among younger, more impressionable saplings and seedlings.
These plants see themselves as living, breathing entities not fodder (albeit healthy) here to advance the life expectancy and salubrious agenda of animals.
This growing sense of despair may show itself in such symptoms as yellowing, abnormal leaf loss and the all to common drooping or limping out.
“Plants have body language too and often exhibit displeasure and frustration much like other creatures,” said Averill Harbinger, a radical carnivore who has not eaten anything from the trees or the ground in over 40 years. “We know they can’t talk but they damn sure can communicate. Maybe they’re getting too much sun or their clay pot is crowding out their roots. Maybe they don’t like the plant on the table next to them. It goes on.”
Botanists know that there are several species of flesh eating plants on the earth, although most are confined to the tropics and a diet of insects and an occasional small mammal. These immobile living organisms absorb nutrients and water through roots but have a taste for meat, as defined above. On a mass scale they are about as rare as Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors.
“We have reached a point of no return,” said a communiqué translated by a local green house guru. “We have been pushed to the corner of the garden and are wilting on the vine.”
Although very few parties give credence to these developments people (especially the elderly) out in the gardens alone or pruning fruit trees in remote locales should take security precautions. Even such enjoyable practices like walking among wildflowers in the mountains and stopping to smell the proverbial roses could present unexpected risks.
“Under no circumstances should anyone wander in the vicinity of fruit canning enterprises, vegetable processing plants after dark,” said the guru, “or approach groups of young plants on the street in these neighborhoods any time of the day.”
Man and plants have had a long, nourishing relationship for centuries and it is hoped that traditional values stand victorious in the face of this very real peril. – Uncle Pahgre
Vodka Nose Epidemic in Proportion Say Physicians
(Mao Clinic) Doctors here at this prestigious center of Western medicine, expressed concern today due to the rising incidence of Vodka Nose (nasumus vodkatis) in this country. The early stages of the medical condition, linked to the regular partaking of vodka drinks, are not particularly dangerous but can be denigrating, giving birth to the unpleasant option of “cutting off one’s nose to spite his face.”
“Vodka Nose does not appear life threatening on its own although some of the symptoms can quickly develop into serious maladies,” said Dr. Simone Lacklustre, Director of Protruding and Copulatory Organs at Mao. “Plus it looks repugnant and unhealthy.”
Lacklustre described the condition as the swelling and abnormal growth of the nose often accompanied by purple skin shades and the presence of superficial or spider veins on the surface of the protuberance. She described the offensive blood vessels or arteries as having been artificially stimulated by the regular infusion of vodka to the system.
“Just because the vessels are not visible doesn’t mean the imbiber is above danger,” she continued. “We suggest that anyone who has ever taken a drink should come in for an exam, pay us a fee and start a gonzo pharmaceutical treatment plan. Then the person at risk will be officially under a doctor’s care and everything will be all right, unless of corpse they fall victim to the many side affects from the selected drugs.
The practitioner said herbal treatments, which she called voodoo, regular exercise and an organic diet will do nothing to cure Vodka Nose, and that drugs are the only path to good health in this, and every hygienic arena.
The preponderance of vodka nose in more advanced countries strongly suggests a relaxed attitude about this potentially disastrous disorder and a disregard for the symptomatology of the ailment. What may be the saddest aspect is that infirmity occurs from drinking a clear substance void of vitamins (sans lime) or nutrients of any kind.
In developing countries many people would like to have Vodka Nose, or more realistically at least, to be able to afford the syndrome. Social scientists think that the perception of an upwardly mobile status and the willingness to adopt globalization account for much of this trend.
Strangely enough there appears to be a high incidence of the condition within Muslim and Mormon enclaves suggesting that members of these sects enjoy falling off the wagon on a daily basis, despite punitive responses by their micro-social networks. Both groups attempt to combat these visible irregularities by either growing beards, donning burkhas or riding around on bicycles with brief cases.
Ramifications for the future, according to Lacklustre, are harsh. She projects that half of the planet’s population could suffer from Vodka Nose by the end of the century. With potato crops (and grain crops) booming in Poland and Russia and the absence of nutritional standards, Vodka Nose could become commonplace on continents like Africa and parts of Asia, with the coming of modernization. In addition, the recent dominance of the burger and fries mentality will undoubtedly lead to a more frightening disease, dubbed “Fast Food Nose”, which is directly linked to brain damage and the inability to make the right choices as to what is introduced to the body.
Dr. Pepper Nose was not discussed by Lacklustre.
Other doctors are less gloom and doom in their approach. They say one or two drinks per day may be beneficial. One prescription widely circulated in North America instructs enthusiasts to “take a break occasionally” and substitute whiskey or gin for vodka “every third day or so.” They are quick to add that unused portions of vodka can be employed as paint or nail polish remover in a pinch. – Big Nose Kate
Observations of Colorado by the “Juneau What”
Sand Dunes National Park
Whether you’re hoity toity or hoi polloi you’ll like these shorties…
Wardrobe Malfunction Sinks Cruz
(Denver) While aides call the much publicized tit slip by a Texas Congressman “an embarrassing accident, commentaries from Bellingham to Key West are suggesting another motivation altogether.
Ted Cruz, (R-TX) had just finished his speech Friday night and was departing the stage when his tie and shirt became snarled exposing a little too much for the conservative, religious audience. In seconds Cruz, in an aborted attempt to right the situation, exposed an estimated three inches of chest skin and at least one bosom.
“The entire tit thing was just an attempt to distract his audience from the fact that in two hours he didn’t say anything useful or worthwhile,” said a fallen away Republican now working as a translator for the Libertarian Party. “Did anyone else notice that his tongue was hanging out of his mouth too?”
Supporters of Cruz say the incident just points to the human side of their candidate. They added that no major changes in wardrobe or perception are planned. Meanwhile Cruz blamed the entire incident on Obamacare.
Arizona Gains Failed Nation Status
The Grand Canyon state today received notification that it would be classified as a Failed Nation even though it is in reality just a large state. The demotion, as it were, appears linked to stumblebum politics and the fact that without air-conditioning, hoards of new arrivals could live in the high population spots. The Grand Experiment Has Failed! Everyone back to Ohio and Michigan now!
Experts agree that too many people from other places have relocated to the state of late bringing with them mounds of tired baggage from California and the Midwest.
Recent policies on everything from immigration to Daylight Savings Time have turned what used to be a healthy maverick into a haven for the crooked and confused. Isn’t it just charming that so many of the houses in Scottsdale and Cave Creek are all done up in cookie-cutter Spanish-Mexican motif while most of the Latinos live on the West side in less than captivating trailers. Probably because they are all lazy.
Years Ago in The Horseshoe
Baez to cut rap album
(Hollywood) In an apparent attempt to keep pace with current trends in music, legendary Sixties folk singer/activist Joan Baez is cutting her first album in two years. The disc will feature her distinctive voice in tune with a new age rap format.
“Some of my fans may feel I’m selling out or going off the deep end on this one, but in reality I’m just reflecting the artistic style of the Nineties,” said Baez. “I don’t see any conflict in presenting a political statement with a beat.”
Although the album will not be formally released until August, already critics have responded en masse, with many slamming the attempt and a few giving the effort a “thumbs up.” One New York music lover says he likes the album because Baez shows versatility and a desire to experiment with new artistic license. Another critic in Los Angeles gives the album a positive nod but places it in a humor category.
“She must be kidding,” said the critic. “For decades we’ve heard her sing about everything from the classic Joe Hill to her bittersweet romance with Bob Dylan. Now we aren’t quite sure what she is saying.”
Baez has replied to this kind of response by saying that everything she records does not have to have a heavy political message, although if one listens between the lines there is a great deal of substance to be digested.
“I think my listeners will be surprised, even put off, at first,” said Baez, “but that after repeated play the album will be appreciated for what it is. I’ve even taken some of the more popular lyrics from some of my Sixties ballads and added a methodical, driving beat. I just hope the kids like it.”
C.B. Councilman Wants Land Returned to Utes
(Crested Butte) A Crested Butte town councilman has presented a motion that some 60 acres of greenbelt property recently acquired by the town be returned to its rightful owners, who, he insists, are the Northern Utes.
“They lived here even way back before the ski area was established,” said Larry Sego. “If we are going to hold public land in trust for the future, why shouldn’t we share the wealth with the Native Americans who cherished the place?”
The Utes lived in this region for centuries leaving it as they found, it minus asphalt, condos and rampant recreational development. They were the true caretakers until about 100 years ago when the white man took over. In that time the honky has succeeded in trashing the place beyond recognition.
“I wonder if the Utes would even recognize this valley,” shrugged Sego.
Although the concept has received wide support from various environmental groups, and even some ranchers, there is still as lot of whining among realtors and develop-till-ya-puke concerns.
“This idea is not in conflict with anyone or anything,” explained Sego, who is not up for reelection in the near future. “Our long-range plans are for the construction of a casino, operated by the Utes, located just to the south of town. We are not concerned with the small profits that will come to the town as the result of such a venture. We are concerned with the big profits.”
Critics of the plan say that Sego is attempting to play both sides against the middle and that he has his eye on a County Commissar spot that may open up in 1996.
“I’m not planning to play anything but a little seven card stud,” smiled Sego, “and maybe a couple of games of Keno.”
DIA TO OPEN FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT LUGGAGE
(Denver) The Denver International Airport will open tomorrow catering to travelers who do not have baggage. The facility has experienced a scheduling nightmare due to problems with an allegedly sophisticated computer system that, by all reports, simply accounts for the status of suitcases.
“I know the whole thing has been rather absurd,” said a Denver mayoral aide Friday. “The public and the media have had field days at our expense, but they don’t realize how well things will work when we finally get all of our jets in a row.”
The entire facility will be open for business and air passengers can fly virtually anywhere on the planet from Denver, just so long as they limit their luggage to the carry-on variety.
“With some of the deals offered by the airlines, in conjunction with the “early” opening we figure that people will have enough extra cash to buy new wardrobes and other items when they arrive at their destinations,” the aide told the Horseshoe. “And if they stay away long enough they can check all their newly acquired baggage through on their return flight. We should be 100 percent open by then.”
