Author Archive for M. Toole
State Moves to Subsidize Mustache Wax Crop
(Montrose) The State of Colorado today jumped into the ongoing mustache wax controversy with two feet and a handful of cash. Insisting the industry is on its heels and carefully illustrating the affects of another bad harvest agricultural experts are worried.
“We would come out of this OK with a couple of normal summers,” said Jake Beard, a third-generation mustache wax grower up Peach Valley, “but that still doesn’t pay the bills. It only grows a bigger ball of wax for our kids to handle.”
The United States currently imports some 80% of all mustache wax sold in this country. That represents a major setback since as recently as 1990 American farmers produced over 80% of the mustache wax sold worldwide. The perishable crop demands warm days, cool nights and sandy soil, the kind found in the mountain valleys of Colorado and New Mexico.
“It’s the same as growing grapes,” said Beard. “The conditions must be perfect of the crop falls on its face.”
Although demand for the gourmet, or caviar, wax as it is sometimes called has remained constant in light of changing facial fashion statements. The problem is and has been a steady flow of product from the fields. Consumer advocates say that when the product is not on the shelves the buyer soon forgets about it or realizes he can do without it.
“That is the saga of mustache wax in this country today,” said Beard. “I don’t know how my kids will make a living down the road. Maybe they will open a ski area or go to massage school.”
According to a preliminary plan mustache wax farmers will be eligible for such state relief packages as cheaper fuel allotments, communal labor, free fertilizer drops, irrigation improvements, interior assessment modules, breakthrough insect control techniques and a mule, oxen or water buffalo (one per family please).
“We must rid ourselves of the middle man and deal directly with the mills that produce the wax,” stressed Beard. “As the old saying goes: Give a man a butterfly for lunch and he’ll be back tomorrow looking for an encore; but give a man a butterfly net and he’ll catch his own damn butterflies.”
Beard, who says he never eats butterflies, even on the Fourth of July, has threatened to shave off his mustache in protest until the matter is resolved.
– Dinty Moore
WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT
*It’s almost impossible to slam the door of a tent no matter how perturbed or insistent one might be.
*We can stimulate the economy by terminating/redistributing Congressional salaries, pensions and benefits.
*”Deep in the Heart of Rhode Island” is a terrible title for a song
*It’s relatively easy to make vodka especially if the quality is not a priority
*The rich have always expected the poor to exhibit high morals.
*Parrots possess the intelligence and temperament of a two-year-old child.
*It is not all that sensuous to eat grits above the Mason-Dixon Line unless one performs the ritual of doing so completely naked while humming Carolina in the Morning.
*Only 37% of Americans currently hold a US Passport
*There is absolutely nothing clean about any brand of gasoline, especially its CEOs.
*Despite the fact that we are here to enjoy this Garden there are plenty of guilt mongers, spiritual parasites, power charlatans and lords of control who strive to convince us that only sinners would do such a pagan thing.
*GMOs are not muscle cars
*When in the pinch chickens are only too happy to eat leftover sauerkraut and cold black-eyed peas on January 2.
*Government is parasitic, elitist and dictatorial.
*Siddhartha Guatama, founder of Buddhism, died at 80 from a piece of tainted pork in 484 BC.
*If you are not a militant at this point you are a sheep.
*Instead of sending Colorado water to Southern California we should instead send them more personalized license plates..
*The only way to really save money at a Big Box/Corporation store is to stay out of it.
*Surrounding yourself with people crazier than you is the only path to true enlightenment.
* When it comes to courting, a glass of champagne is worth more than a gallon of cheap cologne.
*A lot of people addicted to their legal prescriptions have voted against legal marijuana use.
*If Iran promised to use only uranium from the West End the population in that neck of the woods would support that nation’s quest for nuclear power.
*Beautiful and stimulating communities like Jerome, Arizona continue to thrive despite the plastic pressures surrounding them in the 21st Century.
*If a rich politician won the lottery it sure wouldn’t be plastered all over the news.
*If the United States Congress would simply embrace the concept of us instead of the twisted priority of me the country would benefit greatly. This could start with their constituencies.
*Luck almost always breaks a sweat.
*People who have tunnel vision are often afraid of the dark as well.
*Crisp kitchen table metaphors are always more appreciated that wilted mudroom metaphysics.
*The Super Bowl is to Wal-Mart as ______. (Fill in please)
*Is it just me or did Mike Shanahan jeopardize the career of RG III by leaving him in a playoff game where it was obvious he a was seriously injured and when he had a perfectly capable quarterback cooling his heels on the bench?
*It appears that the rich born agains may be right: Heaven is a gated community.
*Many GOP members of the House voted to cut security funds at many U.S. embassies prior to the Benghazi attack.
*Russian physician Nikolai Pirogov pioneered the concept of field surgery during the Crimean War making him the father of the MASH unit concept. Unfortunately he never had a television program and subsequently was never portrayed by Alan Alda.
*Who cares if Beyonce can sing?
*If all the DUIs handed out since 1995 were affecting real change in traffic deaths you can bet that data would be plastered on giant billboards all over the country.
*Colombia makes the scene in Las Vegas and New Orleans look like a church picnic.
*There’s nothing quite as nostalgic as a good old fashioned western hanging.
*If the San Juan Horseshoe website were a kosher deli it would give away pickles.
Catch and Mute Program off to Slow Start
Ravens Declared Nuisance by Council
(Ouray) The local city council took action this evening to limit noise-making capacities of resident ravens. A new, albeit controversial plan kicked off this week, calls for a catching the birds and surgically muting them.
Citing noisy crows that they say are “pests and have all but run songbirds out of town”, members favoring the action say their plan is both humanitarian and effective. The procedure, according to a local biologist, on loan from the BLM, is painless and the animal recovers quickly and quietly in a few days.
The present population of ravens within a three-square mile radius of Ouray is estimated to be 100,000, with the largest weighing in at nearly 80 pounds. As far as it is known none have as yet undergone the supposedly painless surgery. Attacks on humans are rare but mounting.
People here may observe large bird nets dangling off the sides of familiar town vehicles. The concept is for town crews to catch the ravens and bring them back to city hall for the actual surgery…that is when and if they successfully catch one of the feathered perpetrators.
The biologist, who told an audience of concerned citizens that raven communication was performed primarily by moving the eyebrows and twitching the tail, addressed criticism suggesting that the birds would no longer be able to communicate. Serious mating rituals emanate from wing movement, beak levels, feather ruffles and strutting about, even circling romantic prey, she said.
“All the jive, the caws and the screeches are for show,” laughed the animal behaviorist. “They don’t mean anything. It’s pretty much the same as with people. Lots of worthless chatter aimed at nothing. They take joy in hearing themselves, especially when the acoustics are right.”
The biologist, who favors the Catch and Mute Program, said that all the early morning yapping and scattered disruptions throughout the day were probably “fun” for the ravens.
Critics of the official capturing scam say the ravens have been in Ouray longer than most of the residents who they add are simply jealous because the ravens can fly and they cannot. They add that, with the exception of a little crow shit these birds have a minimal carbon footprint and do not tax social services or impact parking facilities in summer.
“We oppose this plan on principle,” said one angry resident who has just returned from the winter in California. “These birds have rights. If this goes down what will become of the deer, the fruit bats, the marmots and the alley bear?”
Another local reminded both sides in the dispute that at least the ravens terminate their circus after dusk and were not a bother again till early morning. She went on to offer another plan that calls for the reintroduction and nurturing of traditional predators that enjoy eating crow.
“Japanese Snow Monkeys (macaques) could thrive in the San Juans,” she said, “and to them raven meat is a delicacy. We already have plenty of yetis roaming around the backcountry. Why couldn’t they be educated as to the benefits of lean raven meat introduced to their rough, Spartan diet?”
One frustrated councilperson expressed concern that the entire episode might get out of hand before it ever gets going. Attempts to bait the birds have failed since no one is quite sure what the ravens like to eat.
“Yesterday was the first day we sent crews out bird snatching and they didn’t catch anything. This is not as easy as it may look. They go up into the trees when approached. It’s not good for morale. So far today it’s much of the same even with the addition of management on the scene,” she said. “Once we catch one of the bastards we can move into phase two of the operation. I’m just glad it ain’t hummingbirds that we’re after.”
– Fred Zeppelin
