Author Archive for M. Toole
Camping Tips
Dwight Ruffenitt of Ft Worth who will someday receive a seven-piece lawn chair dinette set compliments of someone submitted this month’s camping tip.
TIP: To improve television reception at your camping site simply use your RVs electrical system. After plugging in at your designated campsite disconnect the battery cables from the terminal of your RV’s battery, then connect the antenna wires from your television. Now the entire electrical system serves as a powerful antenna!
CAUTION: There have been numerous deaths related to this breakthrough approach to better TV reception but what the hell…you’re on vacation.
WARNING: Care must be taken that the frozen food in your refrigerator’s freezer does not thaw out while you are enjoying your favorite show.
– Dwin “King” Hevaway
NECKTIES WEAKEN EYESIGHT SAY DOCS
(Minneapolis) Surgeons at the Mao Clinic here warn that wearing neckties can cause diminished eyesight and even result in brain damage. Statistics compiled from over 4000 test cases here in Minnesota clearly show that persons accustomed to wearing ties were far more likely to suffer from paranoia, neurosis and were severely lacking in general prudence.
According to the New Mexico Journal of Medicine: “If ties are consistently worn around the neck in the fashionable method thy can and will cut off the needed supply of blood to the brain, resulting in a host of medical complications, most notably the ultimate complication…premature curtains, or death by strangulation.
Persons falling into this subjective category can significantly improve their chances for survival by loosening their ties, the top buttons of their shirts and quitting their white collar jobs at first chance. Women who have taken to wearing ties and other symbols of male power are hereby warned to stop the aforementioned silliness before they too are victims of this curious disorder.
US Constitution to Appear on Talk Show Circuit
(El Lay) The United States Constitution, with its sidekick the Bill of Rights, will appear on a host of television and radio talk shows in an attempt to remind Americans of its continuing saga and surprising survival after over two centuries of coordinated attacks by government and corporate interests.
Promoters of the tour de resistance say the exposure will insure that the document is not entirely discarded by these control groups in the immediate future. The Constitution, which guarantees almost all the basic rights enjoyed by Americans, will appear on Late Night with Letterman on July 25 and Oprah Winfrey the following afternoon. It will travel to the Conan O’Brien Show on July 30 and pay a quick visit to the Jay Leno program on July 31.
Constitutionalists from all walks of life fear that the archive is in jeopardy due to the same-old-song of Presidential candidates and a right-of-center Supreme Quart which has grown hostile to individual rights. Many expect the exposure to fare well for the documents even though the television audiences would probably prefer to see a pretentious actress in a short skirt or a bumbling sportsman with gold chains and a winning smile.
“We may see the Constitution chat with Ellen DeGeneres, Maury Povich and even Jerry Springer if that’s what it takes to get the point across,” said Melvin Toole, of the Liberty Coalition which is staffed by bored liberals with nothing much to do.
Toole, himself of daily constitutionals, boasts a proud history in matters of innovative speculation, his great-great grandfather having been invited to sign the Declaration of Independence back in 1776. Sadly the elder Toole was preoccupied with boozing, gambling and illicit women and missed the meeting at which the pronouncement was inked. Citing “irreconcilable circumstances” he then asked that the entire signing be restaged (so as to include him) only to be angrily shouted down by more polished members of the standing gallery.
“The old fellow did manage to autograph a tattered scorecard during the Whiskey Insurrection of 1794,” said Toole. “Later in 1804 he signed the much maligned Victoria Regina Ordinance which paved the way for French Canadians to compete in intercollegiate athletics.”
Joining the Constitution and the (Just call me) Bill of Rights on the talk shows will be the Code of Hammurabi, The Indian Vedas, The Torah and the Magna Carta Dancers. H. L. Menoken
Ex-Governor Toole Feeling Fine After Amputation
(Cody, WY) Former Wyoming Governor, Melvin Anastasia Toole was pronounced to be in good condition after the emergency amputation of his head. The radical surgery was employed after attempts to halt the spread of infectious thinking failed at the eleventh hour, according to hospital accountants.
The said infection, which ran from Toole’s mouth to the politician’s occipital muscle and onward through his cerebral flax, was found to have degenerated beyond reasonable therapy and doctors quickly agreed to amputate the offending member, or in laymen’s terms throw out the baby with the bath water.
Besides the primary infection Toole was found to have exhibited chronic gout breath and hints of frontal gangrene.
“I had no idea that I was in such shape,” laughed Toole hours after the procedure. “Had I known I was walking around with all of those parts in my head I might have been more careful.”
Doctors, at the urging of political officers here, had been treating the malady with heavy doses of television in an attempt to shock the patient back into the prescribed fold.
“The governor stubbornly rejected our remedies and continued his attempts to sabotage the status quo,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, attending physician at the Mao Clinic here. “When he hurled two television sets through the window and trampled another in his bedroom slippers we had had enough and decided to cut.”
Toole had only recently alarmed allies and colleagues in Laramie when he suggested that government stop lying to the people and work for the common good of all.
“Those, my friends, are the words of a monster, a bad apple talking that must be removed from the barrel,” quipped Lackluster. “I didn’t spend all of those years in medical school for anyone’s common good.”
– Rex Montaleone
Child-Proof Condoms Approved by Feds
Doctors at St Roscoe’s Community Clinic say that a host of federal agencies have given final approval to a new breed of child-proof condoms that are set for release this week. The breakthrough product is expected to revolutionize irresponsible sex and could be a major export by the end of the year.
The OK came despite the rantings of consumer groups which say the condoms are still often too difficult to negotiate in the dark. One proponent of the commodity praised “the progressive nature of these developments” adding that it was about time we did something to protect our children from potentially dangerous technology and from adults in general.
The safer condoms are expected to be available in drugstores and groceries soon. They will be packaged in discreet brown paper so as to not cause suspicion. Buyers should expect to show appropriate identification upon purchase.
IRS OFFERS MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
If you are not happy about the way the federal gov’ment is spending your tax dollars you could qualify for a full refund, no questions asked. That, according to an unreliable source at the Internal Revenue Service, represents the most drastic tax reform seen in this country since the whole mess started. (please insert date here/optional).
“The United States Treasury Department has now seen fit to offer these options in an attempt to bridge the credibility gap between taxpayers and the feds. Apparently the taxing agency is uncomfortable with the present arrangement harboring common fears that people will just say no when the annual fees are calculated.
“They want to project a more human face,” continued the source, who was recently retired and now lives in Colona. In addition to standout performances with a Chinese ledger sheet, he can wiggle his ears and was once presented the much coveted Best Shortstop Award in the Irrational League.
When contacted by phone another agent agreed with the summation.
“We’re here to clear up any misunderstanding on the subject of taxation,” said the agent who refused to be identified. “In short, just because we have our hand in your pocket doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”
Taxpayers who wish to apply for a refund can do so by simply filling out the required forms and return them to the IRS before June 15, 2012. Applications received after this date will not qualify for the program at this time. We will retain these petitions but they could get lost in the shuffle.
“To be on the safe side why not get off your butt earlier for 2012 returns,” said the second source, “and save everyone a lot of headache.”
Heroine Rescued From Tracks
(Editor’s note: The following story first appeared as “Heroin Rescued from Tracks” which was most likely a typo and for which we heartily apologize.)
A Victorian heroine, tied mercilessly to a stretch of forgotten track near Sams by an unknown assailant, was rescued by a constable of the Canadian Mounted Police just after dawn this morning. Wilfrena Platte, of 22779911776675 Road in Mousetown, was pronounced in good condition despite exposure to the elements.
Although facts are sketchy, red-coated police say a mustachioed villain in a dark suit and stove-pipe hat was apprehended in a stand of pinyon trees nearby. He was reportedly rubbing his hands together madly and checking his watch when police approached. Officers confirmed that they confiscated a whip and small pieces of rope matching the type used to secure Platte to the tracks.
“It’s a just incrimination when one cannot even count on the trains running according to schedule in these parts anymore,” said an attorney for the suspect. “This entire affair is a miscarriage of justice in that my client had only recently returned from a bad guy’s conference in LA and was still out of town at his grandmother’s funeral during a blinding snowstorm. I would like to show you proof but the dog peed on it.”
One Sams bystander put it best saying, “Ain’t been no trains running around here since I can’t remember when and although things worked out for Wilfrena it’s all a sad memory for the rest of us. We liked having the train come through Sams.”
It was not known why Canadian authorities, who only have jurisdiction in Canada, were operating here but local police welcomed their keen response. Both groups are of the opinion that the villain had tied the maiden to the tracks since she had refused to go out with him.
VEGETABLES IN THE VERNACULAR
When the moon is in the cauliflower, and cucumbers align with Swiss chard, then peas will guide the planet and kale will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus, Age of Asparagus…” – Choque Grifo.
“I like Brussels sprouts. I just don’t like to eat them.”
– Norwood’s Skylar Currie, at age 4.
It’s a done deal. The commercial tomato harvest is history and, with noted organic exception, most are lemons. Why can’t a society that can put a man on Saturn raise a decent tomato crop?
It wasn’t always like this. While undergoing childhood in Southern Ohio I remember trophy tomatoes popping out of my father’s well tended garden like juicy missiles the size of small basketballs. That was then. This is now.
Today tomatoes look better than ever thanks to polish, dyes and the assorted miracles of consumer science. The fruit feels all right when squeezed. The vegetable is even pleasant to the olfactory senses. But wait. What’s that rancid after taste that lingers? It reminds one of a washed up celebrity, trying to make a buck pushing a once-in-a-lifetime insurance policies on daytime TV.
It’s an election year. What does the eleventh hour political candidate really think about the rise and fall of tomatoes? What will he do about the dilemma if elected? Will the sad demise of other fruits and vegetables be undressed within his rooted agenda?
Failed fruits and vanquished vegetables have haunted the inner reaches of the human psyche since the days of the mildly carnivorous Sumerians, the first society to sing the praises of vegetables and fruits in the diet.
Here’s the point: Taking advantage of this newly elevated stature, the little devils of leaf, stem, cluster and/or seed have not only learned to manipulate us at the dinner table but have wasted no time invading our very conversation, or vernacular by tip toeing along that groveling grammatical ledge known as slang. Along with conspirators in the fruit kingdom, common garden vegetables have pushed their way into our daily speech patterns and threaten to upset the turnip cart with respect to the very words that we utter.
Getting back to our initial complaint, the word tomato has not only fallen from grace in a linguistic sense but has also taken a beating in the arena of sexual innuendo with phrases like “She’s quite a tomato” or even “Look at the melons on that tomato”. This kind of speech reeks of hot house sexism but is prevalent in the lower order of life forms.
What about the term lemon used in response to an unfruitful automobile purchase? Who is to blame for leaving the jargon barn door open? Is the saying sour grapes descriptive enough? Did you know that British sailors are often called limeys due to their habit of eating limes to keep away the scurvy?
The Golden Apples of the Hesperides, picked by Atlas according to Greek mythology, were actually oranges. Johnny Appleseed never held a regular job for more than a week or two. Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like bananas. Get it?
Even our bodies are pulled into the fray with such sayings as head of lettuce, artichoke hearts, prune face or, as Billy Shakespeare put it in King Lear “Her earlobes resembled a cool, green avocado ripe for the enchanted harvest moon.”
It doesn’t stop here. Whether fruits and/or vegetables are part of an innocent hors d’ oeuvre tray or a simulated subversive stew the idiomatic intrusion is relentless. While we agonize over social issues such as same sex marriages and gang warfare, vegetables are eating away at our semantic infrastructure forcing themselves on the spoken language, lending credence that we are, at least in an oral sense, surely a society of mongrels.
Let’s take the diet of children for instance. While everyone realizes the benefits of vegetables, how can we expect kids to embrace the consumption of entities named eggplant or squash? It’s no surprise cheeseburgers and fries have gained prominence.
Has anyone, with the possible exception of the Jolly Green Giant, ever really had a meaningful relationship with such virtual unknowns as kohlrabi, kale and endive? They know who you are. Parsnips do too.
Did you ever see someone with bright red hair? They’re called carrot tops by some segments of the population. Who created that analogy? Is this edible coup d’ etat carried out while we humans just vegetate? Sound silly? Don’t forget the classic film “The Tomato Who Ate Brooklyn”. Feed me.
Planter/philosopher, Tom Parker once said, “Never order anything in a vegetarian restaurant that ordinarily would have meat in it.” Sure, maybe Tom’s a little bitter but one can pretty much bet he has had a run-in or two with vegetable vigilantes or lingered with legume lexicons at least.
Terms such as “Oh beans!”, cauliflower ear, corny and no small potatoes aren’t helping either. Knees up, Mother Brown! These kindly plants were once an integral part of our Victory Gardens and now they are employed to designate a negative within the very soul of our language.
Take the assorted dialects that have come together to create the American version of English. How many of you have conversed with the proverbial Italian vender? What is the popular calypso tune “Yes, We Have No Bananas” driving at? Who is responsible for the sudden emergence of sprouts? It’s enough to cause the Earl of Sandwich to roll over in his grave.
This is no overnight crisis. Back in 1903 my great grandfather was so busy planting pataetas that he opted to drop the “O” from the family surname since, as he put it, “I was working up to 16 hours per day and was just too busy to spend time with it.”
Did this make my ancestor a bad apple or was he really the only toiler in the cabbage patch?
In closing we urge the reader that, when washing off his favorite fruit or vegetable this summer, he take care to recognize a bad seed or a perishable that is rotten to the core. While these unassuming fruits and vegetables may look innocent enough, their agenda is clear to many of us. Without the proper cultivation things could get very ugly just inches under the top soil.
NEXT WEEK: Long-winded threats from the dairy product sector.
(Editor’s note: Due to a long standing policy we have been forced to include fruits as a separate category in this essay. It’s some kind of union thing down here at the paper.)
Kevin Haley, a failed botanist, lives in Colona where he hunts for edible milkweed pods and publishes the San Juan Horseshoe. He thinks gooseberries can fly.
