Birdman Held

(Ouray, CO September 25, 2014) A local man was arrested today after police discovered that he had been using the San Juan Horseshoe to line birdcages in his college aviary.
Rolf Schmidt, a 68-year-old native of Bavaria had no comment at the preliminary hearing, staring in disbelief as to the proceedings. The judge did not set bail and the criminal was carted off to a cold, dark cell to await his trial date, sometime in December or January.
If indicted Schmidt could spend up to 20 years hard time.
Detectives confirmed that this was no isolated incident and that Schmidt has been committing these degradations for years. It was apparent on the scene that he had not changed issues/liners since last year.
“This was a disgusting case of yellow journalism if I have ever seen one,” said an arresting officer.
The birds involved, two parrots and a magpie will undergo physical and psychological tests to determine what damage may have occurred from the close proximity to the newspaper’s content. If any are found to be damaged Schmidt could do another 10 to 15 concurrently.
Legal precedent was established back in 1977 when then associate editor James “Jimmy” Olsen was sentenced to life in prison for using a copy of the tabloid to shine his penny loafers. Olsen only served three days because of prison overcrowding and slick maneuvers on the part of his attorney who insisted that since Olsen was not a real person he should not do real time.