Author Archive for M. Toole
Ozone Afterburners
Stopped short in the grab
for the aerosol can in 1966.
I’ll just stink today,
smell like me
instead and see
who might just notice
the spray shadow
that ain’t no more there.
.
Then stopping stark outside
I’ll reek like the rotted ozone
in full retreat
from a Russian winter
from a hellish summer.
As an antiperspirant jet
streaks across the evening sky,
it’s pilots sure of
round-the-clock protection.
Solar Spill Contained
(Ridgway, CO — Rocky Mountain Sunbeams — May 3, 2016)
A solar spill has silently crept over unprotected crevices of the Cimarron Ridge hitting the town of Ridgway at about 6:11 am this morning, doing no damage whatsoever. Within moments civil and volunteer personnel had matters well in hand and everything returned to normal with a pancake breakfast in the park.
In what had been called a code golden/almost pink by local authorities, the drifty hue covered sections of the ground then disappeared unannounced into the shifting shade as the sun reached higher into the sky.
In what many laughed off as a daily occurrence, the sun spill was visible from Ouray, some ten miles south. Most residents there were reportedly “far from alarmed, going about their business like normal according to the local paper.
Readers may recall an even more serious solar spill that hit the coast of France at La Rochelle, in the Bay of Biscay in 2009, causing no damage and forcing no one from his home. Resident there too took the spill lightly and many ended up taking refuge on the beach until the danger passed.
– Julianne Pettifogger
Skunk Shortage Worries Officials
(Ouray — Black and White Gazette — May 2, 2016)
A drastically reduced skunk population in these hills has leaders here scurrying around trying to cover the bases. A wet winter, combined with cooler evening temperatures in the early spring may have driven the aromatic mammals into the Badlands of New Mexico and could create a serious imbalance in Colorado.
“Normally we can monitor the healthy skunk population by inversion mathematics,” said a Department of Transportation biological source. “For decades it has been our practice to count the road kill on Mondays and divide by 12 to determine a monthly projection. “This year everything began like normal, and then in September we noticed a chronic drop in highway pancakes. It’s all quite frightening.”
It was not clear how the diminished population would affect summer celebrations such as Fourth of July. Already promoters are expressing concern over a less than skunky Ice Festival. Principles were quick to deny that the current skunk crisis had anything to do with the legalization of marijuana in Colorado.
In order to take advantage of skunk resources leaders stressed that every man, woman and child in Colorado must cooperate with local organizations intent on conserving our skunk packs. Some expressed guarded concern that the additional skunks might have to be purchased from Utah so as to make it through this calamity.
– Small Mouth Bess
Ridgway Energy Efficient
(Cow Creek, CO) The Carbon Boot Print – Spring 2027) — May 1, 2016)
The Environment Protection Militia today proclaimed the City of Ridgway (pop 130,000) as Energy Efficient. The esteemed honor has been bestowed on very few communities nationwide.
The status is linked to the construction of a giant dome stretching from Colona (annexed in 2021) to West Dallas Creek to Enchanted Mesa all the way south to Ouray (incorporated by the Ridgway Town Council in 2024). Built of adobe, aluminum cans, tires, bottles and old clothes donated by the Double RL Consortium, the dome is one of the largest such structures on the planet.
The only winterized version (designed cows, protection from ozone damage, kinky kiosks and trendy cafes be damned) that is larger is the neighboring Ski Dallas Indoor Mountain Vintage Mobile Cosmic Surgery Complex that, at 23 degrees Celsius, can help feed Utah and preserve local snow from back as far as 1996.
Since Ridgway outlawed the use of fossil fuels last winter the town has stayed warm by burning local deer fence posts and large bales of straw donated by the now defunct DEA.
– Dick “Roller” Derby
Region has share of silly laws
(Disappointment Valley, CO — Desert Sun — April 29, 2016)
I always enjoy the timely baby journalist pieces about antiquated laws in bluenose locales like New England and the American South. These folks have been sitting on their porches since the 1600s and have had plenty of time to dominate police blotters and tie up the courts with ridiculous directives and lukewarm commandments still on the books for the benefit of no one.
We folks out here in the Real West have not had the luxury of 400 years to hone our own restrictive edicts but we have developed a few that are real whoppers! Here are some of the more entertaining ones:
It is against the Territorial Law (never rescinded) to talk with your mouthful while driving through Sapinero. That is why the restaurant at Hunter’s Point has had such a bad track record. Tourists who insist on picnicking should be aware that their vehicles are subject to search without provocation. Fortunately Sapinero cannot afford a police department and the laws are pretty much ignored by everyone including the bighorn sheep that eat with their horns on.
It is against an 1892 ordinance to spit on the street in Gunnison, Colorado when the temperature dips below zero. Without lowering ourselves to descriptive graphics the situation seems quite clear: The spit freezes threatening the safety of other pedestrians who might slip on it and fall.
There is a humorous restriction still on the books in Ridgway that makes it a misdemeanor to wear dirty long-handles into the Uncompahgre River. The act itself can land the culprit 2 days in jail. According to ledger footnotes, the law was passed in an attempt to protect trout in the river, one of the first decrees aimed at environmental preservation.
Another sister law prohibits the use of gravel on state and county byways since it irritates horses and fouls up carriage wheels. This 1879 law was passed just hours after the Brunot Treaty, the precursor of banning the Utes from the San Juan Mining District so the White folks could dig for gold. It was never clear if gravel referred to precious metals.
One could be arrested for walking down Elk Avenue naked in 1890. It is still the same today in Crested Butte. Usually in mid-winter the offender was also forced to undergo psychological evaluation. Secondary streets in the booming coal town did not fall under the same jurisdiction. Dogs were never included in the restrictions.
Up until 2013 it was a crime to cultivate marijuana in Colorado. Today state tax coffers are bulging with cash encuraging state leaders to consider investing the boon in education, transportation infrastructure and social programs for the underprivileged. These priorities had long been ignored by federal authorities in favor of bombing other sovereign nations.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
