Hell Discovered by Corps of Engineers

(Rangely, CO — Netherworld Gazetteer — May 15, 2016)

The recent and much heralded discoveries by the Army Corps of Engineers all but verify the existence of the place called Hell. Engaged in a serious digging effort (for some undisclosed reason up here) the teams stumbled across the Eternal Pit at about near quitting time on Thursday. Having left the hole exposed overnight one foreman later expressed concern not with people falling in but others coming up and out.

“When we came back to work Friday there was visquine stretched over the opening with a note that warned of rain,” said Al Studevent, a tenured geologist attached to the project. “We looked down the hole as far as possible with the flames and the gnashing of teeth and all.”

By noon the entire area was off limits to anyone with even a lick of sense. Federal aeronautics and NASA personnel were all over the place turning it into an anthill of activity. So much so that the senior high school class hastily arranged a car wash and local bars sold beer to the growing throng. The experts sat on their thumbs while the crowd grew edgy.

“These feds are as thick as flies at a fertilizer convention,” said Studevent. “There’s already talk of building an embassy above the hole or at least a CIA listening post. But right now we have bigger fish to fry: We lost three drunks in the vicinity of that enchanted hole last night alone.”

Hell, depending on your angle, is either a place of eternal punishment or a damn good control method invented by religions to keep the faithful in line. Traditionally it has been located deep under the earth, inhabited by the remnants of bad angels and sinners who didn’t do what they were told and were hurled down there for eternity or some damn thing. Theories abound as to the rest of the story.

“I’ve spent most of my life in Rio Blanco County and nobody has to tell me that Hell is real,” said Manny Motormouth, a local sheepherder. “I’m just worried about the missing drunks. One of them owed me ten dollars.””

In a related story the Air Force has proclaimed that the over 400 UFO sightings documented over the past week were only masses of swamp gas and the reflection of airport runway lights from nearby Maybell to the northwest. The branch was quick to add that proximity to Utah and the presence of higher intelligence have never been scientifically connected.

“There are no beings of higher intelligence in the county,” slammed a sheriff’s deputy.

“I’ve seen folks over at Ma’s Bar with what looks like three eyes and there’s that one green-skinned from Craig that plays the jukebox all night but otherwise the situation is quite normal. Now with this Hell thing I don’t know what the weekend will bring,” he continued. There may be Hellions, aliens and even a few liberals out there knocking to get in but until they drink and get behind the wheel of their cars we cannot detain them.”

Religious and self-proclaimed spiritual leaders are expected tomorrow while a priest from Wyoming is slated to perform the first ever exorcism ever in Rio Blanco County. Seating is limited.

– Beelzebub Spur