Author Archive for M. Toole
(t)rumpclips
Pinocchio Law Back on Book
The United States Senate has enacted the long-ignored and aberrant Pinocchio Law in response to “mistruths and exaggerations common to the current administration”. Falling short of calling the misleading statements and unfounded accusations lies, the legislative body said the law as exhumed so as to “hold unnamed persons accountable for declarations and to discourage disruption, hoodwinking and falsification on matters imperative in governance”. Whether any of this will alleviate future problems will depend greatly on the intelligence level of the American public.
Homeland Security falls short on apology for attack on Royal Caribbean
Official White House position statement:
re: Attack on Cruise ship somewhere in the Caribbean Sea.
“Clearly terrorists aboard/pirates and maybe Democrats too.”
The federal agency appears to be having trouble admitting collateral damage had occurred among the large, credit card gringos playing shuffleboard and eating five meals per day. “We do not know anything about this,” dismissed a White House spokesperson.
Dems Force GOP concessions on ICE
1. ICE will no longer play Richard Wagner compositions to cover mysterious whistle sounds.
2. MAGA Republicans will wear red underwear to work so they are more easily recognized for what they may be.
The short meeting was called to order and terminated before any one could determine the coordinates of the location and detain offending participants who hate America..
***Vance pushes, poses with new trump products New this spring: Trumpathy like empathy only bigger and better. When it seems like empathy but it’s not, it’s Trumpathy says the catchy jingle. Former allies are said to be appalled by the shameless mercantilism encouraged by a sitting President.
Make America Go Away caps in Greenland selling far better than MAGA religious relics in the Bible Belt. Why does this madman want colonies in the 21st Century? They are not cost effective Don.
Vatican on edge as Pope threatens to ex-communicate Vice President J.D. Vance.
“Why couldn’t he have stayed a Pentecostal like good hillbillies.” said one Cardinal from his perch at the Vatican. “His anger and lack or tolerance makes my hair stand on end, and speaking of hair, Orange Don remains in seclusion reportedly growing a Stalinesque mustache. “It will be big and beautiful” Meanwhile Trumps boxers and his ideas about the economy were called highly inelastic by leading economists.
Magabuse approved by FDA
Despite GOP recusals the antidote Megabuse is gaining fans nationwide
The experimental antidote for MAGA does not effectively embrace the prevention ignorance, racism, violence and xenophobia but it’s a start.
Despite a possible risk factor (about the same as spending an hour with Robert F. Kennedy Jr.)
Liar’s bench, gold panning, petroleum exhibit to grace South Lawn.
A highly anticipated White House World Wrestling Review may premier at shuttered trump-Kennedy center to make room for gala 250-year anniversary celebrations elsewhere.
In a related development many Proud Boys and will serve as temporary prosecutors at DOJ** (Don’s Optional Justice) due to problems recruiting new lawyers to such a dirty career.
*****
Child: But mommy where does all the money go that trumpies have kept from health care, childcare, federal worker’s salaries Nato, Ukraine, and tariffs?
Mother: Well sweetie, they spend it on bombs and keep the change for themselves as the federal debt soars out of control. So much for conservative values.
Ropas Sucias (Leftovers)
MATH 611:
How many kids that go hungry in these US would it take to build trump’s arch? How many of the Trump minions would fit into his bomb-proof bunker. How many times did Trump’s father say I love you to Donald?
Terrorists call terrorists terrorists
Pointing the finger has never been more popular in world circles as was painfully clear today.
Congratulations Antifa: Anti-Fascist group recently awarded domestic terror designation by the American shadow gov’ment.
Tips to be worldly # 611: Never eat borscht in Russian when the dictators’ last name ends in an n.
New video games doing well . “Ballistic Dart” game sales up 45% with “Hit Vladimir’s Houses”and “Hit Bibi’s Bathroom” holding on as bullseyes, shredding all previous records for political action videos.
Is trump, the reincarnation of Paraguayan leader Francisco Solano López? Solano’s diary (illegally confiscated from library) was diwcovered by Kurdish carpenters in an unfinished White House bunker next to the only book in the place, Mein Kamph. He won’t need a GPS to find the gates of hell.
Apology: Gray whales not gay whales are visiting San Francisco Bay in great numbers this spring.
Looks like former U.S. Attorney General, Pam Bondo wasn’t really the glue that held the trump card together. When she uttered “You should apologize to President Trump – was she speaking rhetorically? Did she actually say “What was not to like, under the bus”?
Win three rounds in the ring with White House
Deputy Chief of staff Steven Miller
Just answer a few simple questions
on our Enough is Enough Survey
1. Correctly guess the most likely source of Tom Homan’s next bribe. Location? Amount?
2. Where do former ICE agents go for fun?
3. Who is the next Administration official to be fired by the Orange Donald?
4. Why do the majority of MAGA lovers not know the definition of dystopia?
Boner Question: Who will pay for the bad blood created by Donald Trump? Will other countries ever forgive us?
Correction: We wrote that a Texas university will no longer teach Plano when it was supposed to read Texas university will no longer teach Plato. Sorry for the oversight.
– compiled by Susie Compost
TV Dinners Preserved in Idarado Tunnels
(Red Mountain) Skeleton crews monitoring activity underground have discovered a large cache of TV dinners stored far below the rocky surface here. Stashed in the mine’s miles of tunnels, the self-contained fare is believed to have been left their by retreating workers when the mine closed down in 1978.
“Although not particularly astounding, the find indicates that TV dinners might survive for years even centuries in a controlled environment,” said Marcia Mollyore, head of Gentle Geology, a local firm. “Prior to this disclosure we thought Velveta cheese and Spam were the most sustainable substances yet invented. The importance herein is the alteration in thinking, the modification of philosophies on the classic shelf lives of what we consume.”
Despite the discovery Mollyore confirmed that she would continue embracing a strict diet of chicken livers, red lettuce and diet soda in hopes of achieving immortality.
“What may be important now is the glimpse of eating habits that this has afforded us. With a little luck we can put together another piece of the puzzle as to preferred foods of the 20th Century.”
Mollyore went on to explain that geologists had grown to accept that miners carried pie cans filled with sandwiches and hardboiled eggs and drank black coffee. Mounds of carefully chronicled statistics on the subject will have to be destroyed she said so as to make room for new data.
“Our thinking has been wrong…wrong…wrong!” explained a now visibly upset Mollyore. “How could we have been so stupid with the truth lurking at our fingertips, just below ground all this time!”
Further snooping has begun to indicate that miners may have had primitive heating methodology as well as access to a wide selection of tools as well as random television reception in narrow shafts and doghouses way down below.
– Gabby Haze
7,000 pound yellow carp pulled from Blue Mesa
(Iola) A massive yellow carp was hauled in by local man, Melvin Testline Toole, Saturday. The exotic garbage fish weighed in at just over 7,000 pounds making it the largest fish ever caught in the free world. Toole was quickly surrounded by an adoring public and is expected to be offered lucrative endorsement contracts due to his feat.
“Hell, it ain’t nothin’,” spat the angler when interviewed by The Horseshoe. “Just look at the diminished water level in the lake without this baby swimming around in there. Carp tastes like carp. I’d throw the damn thing back but I’m afraid the sudden surge in the water level would wash out the dam and flood Delta!”
-Tommy Middlefinger
Hell Bans Smoking
One of the last vestiges of puffing has gone by the wayside today as Hell announced a moratorium on tobacco smoking slated to begin in September. After that date anyone caught smoking will be subject to further disciplinary actions, beyond the daily tortures and deprivations common to the place.
Unlike most spots on earth there is nowhere to step out for a smoke near the confines of Hell. Cigarettes, easy enough to find there, had crept up to $20 per pack on the Black Market in Hades. According to unreliable sources, pit demons felt that workers were abusing smoke breaks and taking too much time to get back to hard labor details costing them money.
Hell wasn’t so bad before,” said one condemned man. “Every Tuesday was poker night even though we don’t have cards or chips down here. Friday was martini night even though we don’t have gin or ice. At least we had cigarettes.”
Smoking, thought to have been tolerated beyond these fiery gates for millenniums, was recorded by Dante during his legendary visit to hell in the Middle Ages. Sinners stuck in the place tell of smoking tobacco in seances. Former Vice President, Dick Cheney, a regular visitor to hell during the Iraq War, said the place smelled like a bar room after a prairie fire. He observed that “everyone was smoking, some of them two and three cigarettes at a time”.
The decision comes as a shock to most hellions who considered smoking a sacred right in the land of fire and brimstone.
“I just never expected this sizzling dump to embrace political correctness,” said the condemned source.
The decision was purely mercantile. The bad angels that run hell don’t care about health and general welfare. They are simply under continued pressure from resident insurance industry lobbyists who insist that their industry is losing money on insurance claims related to smoking. Hell’s new seat belt laws originate from the same bent morality cruises.
I guess we’ll all have to put up or shut up,” cried one angry woman who says she still has cartons of Marlboros stashed.
“I just can’t imagine going through eternity without a cigarette,” she said.
– Gabby Haze
Kryptonite discovered in SAN JUAN mountains
A major deposit of the rare mineral Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine above Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of cell phones.
Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the brain.
Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was discovered last week, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become millionaires overnight.
“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered on sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”
Since last Tuesday thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business, and there’s no end in sight.
Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Ute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Ute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Utes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.
In an official statement Governor Polis has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash.
– Rocky Flats
