Author Archive for M. Toole

Rolled Up Street Injures Silverton Man

(San Juan de Las Montanas) They really do roll up the streets around here in the winter. Ask Marvin Tinkleholland of Silverton who was recently hospitalized in Durango following a head-on collision with 13th Street here Thursday night.

Tinkleholland, a sailboat mechanic, was returning from a friend’s house at about 8 pm when he was caught up by the diminishing street. Town crews had no time to react and could only watch and wait as Tinkleholland went round and round. The startled man had no choice but to go with the flow to avoid further injury. Finally, when the street was completely rolled up, he was extracted by emergency medical technicians and driven to the Saint Roscoe’s Hospital in nearby Howardsville.

“He was handling matters quite well until he was hit by a stubborn curb at the intersection of Blair Street,” said one EMT. “I really don’t understand all the fuss. This kind of thing happens everyday up in Gladstone.”

Tinkleholland was cheated and released the next morning. He had only recently recovered from bruises received during the infamous Running of the Bullshit in Ouray in back in November.

“We have published our street rolling up schedule and crews have been asked to exercise extreme caution in their daily chores,” said one Silverton town council member. “People have to do the rest. They know that dusk can be a dangerous time, especially with all the snow. We suggest that they limit evening strolls to Greene Street which is not rolled up until midnight.”

– Uncle Pahgre

One National Forest is Enough Concurs Trump-O-Mattic Congress

(Washington) Sources within the Tycoon Administration confirmed rumors that it is making plans to convert the entire National Park system to one mega national park. The location of the giant recreational facility will most likely be located in Western Colorado or Utah.

     Prompting a plethora of closures the methodology would save an estimated 4.5 billion dollars per year which could then be used to produce weaponry. Then, after the picnic tables and concession stands are gone, the trails bulldozed and the animals relocated to strategic hamlets, the pseudo neocons can get on with the business of “natural resource management.”

     The reduction of lands falling under federal protection could then embrace a multiple use code which encourages logging and oil drilling at an accelerated pace. Authors of the bill, which include Vice President Junior Vance and others who wish to exploit the already suffering planet for bags of gold, see the future national park system as comprising one massive land grant.

     “Maybe we’ll just turn entire states into parks,” said one MAGA boy. “The Mormons won’t like the idea at first but just as soon as they look at the potential profits they’ll come aboard,” he said. “If it’s Colorado we’ll just cut all federal funding. We’ll have to remodel the Confront Range and build a lot more scenic views. Most of the federal highways are already going to seed so we don’t have to worry about overgrazing, too much access or plowing them under for the rural effect.”

     Wilderness areas, now located within national forest confines will be open to industry as well. Plans to ship lumber to Mexico for processing have been discussed at length and, according to unconfirmed reports workers from Latin America (formerly deported)  may have to be brought in to “man the machines of progress.”

     “I just don’t see a problem,” offered a Trump enthusiast. “We’ve got two Disneylands and who knows how many malls already up and running. Why do we need all these parks too? Most Americans have never set foot in them anyway. If all goes according to plan and Orange Donald is re-elected we should be able to put these lands up for sale by 2029,” said the spokesman. “Then you watch how fast the deficit disappears!”

     A plan is already in the works that would show repetitious footage of the old national parks on television after the evening news until most everyone has forgotten that they once existed.

     Cost estimates for the plan run into the billions with a complete makeover of the existing infrastructure a necessary component. Proponents say that does not present a problem since lumber and gas reserves can pay for these expenses.

     “Then our allies can come in and mop up just like they’re doing all over the planet. The peasants here will complain at first but in a short time they’ll forget about what we’re doing and turn back to the mindless pursuits of survival. Imagine the campaign coffers! And it takes only a Constitutional amendment to stretch the current clown show dynasty into 16 years instead of 12”  

– Kashmir Horseshoe

ST. ROSCOE APPEARS TO WAL-MART SHOPPERS

Montrose) The patron of excessive consumerism, St. Roscoe of Mesquite, reportedly appeared to several hundred Wal-Mart enthusiasts as they left the outlet Friday. The Christmas season generates colossal throngs of witless vendees and countless millions of dollars for the Arkansas- based discount house as mindless shopping herds get into the holiday spirit.

     St. Roscoe urged the faithful to spend more money, often physically pushing some of the fringe element back into the store. He assured late arrivals and the uninitiated that they would be rewarded for spending right up to the limit on their credit cards.

     “It’s all fine and dandy to spend the week’s paycheck on items marked down from the regular price,” proclaimed St. Roscoe, who reputedly paid the Vatican $250,000 for the sainted status back in 1993.

     The last documented sighting of the consumer saint occurred two years ago when St. Roscoe appeared to a contingent of gamblers enjoying the new casinos in Cripple Creek. That time he showed up in a powder blue leisure suit and white loafers. This latest visit featured Roscoe in a more subtle getup characterized by a plumed top hat made in Canada, Palestinian fatigues and beaded moccasins made in Taiwan. This ensemble was underscored by green and white Dutch argyle socks and a snappy Mexican bolo tie presented to Roscoe by a former governor of Sonora in 1983. A crisp, silk Parisian cape complimented the entire costume emphasizing the saint’s loyalty to mass marketing and lip service to products made in the U.S.A.

     “The frugal shall inherit the earth while the spendthrift shall enter the Kingdom of Mass Merchandizing,” wailed Roscoe from his new found perch above a line of shopping carts. Give Caesar what is Caesar’s and give Wal-Mart what is Walmart’s!”

     The saint then used a chaotic fender-bender as a diversion, stole a 1959 Ford station wagon from the parking lot and headed off toward Gunnison. He has not been seen since.               

Rockies’ Blackball decision looming just as season begins

(Denver) In a mock ballot the Colorado’s Broncos, Nuggets, Avalanche and Rapids have voted to blackball the Colorado Rockies. The four other professional franchises in the state tipped their poker hands early showcasing strong feelings in regard to the Rockies’ future here.

The Broncos, Avalanche and Nuggets have shown very positive credentials with the football and hockey teams finishing at the top of their respective leagues while the Nuggets are seen as serious contenders for the NBA crown. The Rapids too, a newer football/soccer club, seem to have followed a reasonable flow toward future success.

The Rockies are hereby on probation beginning at spring training. Tentative action may take place following the 2026 season.

“Out of the Platte and into the Frying Pan” said one Rockies’ executive, who has yet to trade away potential stars currently on the roster.

For more on this please turn to Coloradans save millions on Rockies tickets and attire —Money spent on more important pursuits like food and gasoline.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Ancient ones never bothered with building permit in Montezuma County

The Anasazi, or Ancient Ones, as the Pueblos call them, never secured the proper documents before completing Mesa Verde. The county has been trying to set the record straight for over 30 years with little luck and a lot of frustration.

“We’ve been looking for someone to hand the bill to, but they all seem to have moved on,” said County Manager Melvin Toolski, who also seems to have disappeared in last year.

According to reliable and preferred sources:

Mesa Verde, which is now a National Park, was occupied by the Ancestoral Puebloans from approximately 550 CE to 1300 CE, who transitioned from mesa-top pit houses to sophisticated,, 600+ cliff dwellings. These indigenous farmers and builders thrived for centuries, leaving behind, 1000+ sites, including Cliff Palace, before migrating south to New Mexico and Arizona due to severe, 1200s, drought and social pressures. 

The swift departure and subsequent relocation has left the gov’ment holding the bag as it were with back taxes alone estimated to be over 15 million dollars in today’s currency.

“We have all but written this debt off falling sort of labelling these ancients as deadbeats,” said Toolski. “They are probably at some tropical beach in Mexico spending our money on tequila and menudo.”

Another spokesman for the county said the matter had been put on the back burner since it is well past the statute of limitations.

“Conservatively speaking we are probably 720 years too late for legal action, even if we could find a responsible party to target,” she explained.

Anasazi a Navajo name that is interpreted as ancient enemy, is now considered disrespectful by the 26 tribes who descended from these ancient peoples. This includes the Hopi, the Acoma, the peoples of Taos Pueblo, and all who live along the Little Colorado and Rio Grande rivers. These descendants of the people who lived in Mesa Verde for 700 years want the original inhabitants of Mesa Verde, Colorado, be known as the Ancestoral Puebloans.

Local Brothels Step Up to Bat in Affordable Housing

(Manana) Local bordellos have joined in the struggle for “affordable housing” by dropping hourly and all-night tariffs in many locales. The discounts, which are reportedly in effect until tourist season mark the first time the sex industry has jumped onboard to help relieve pressure of the well-healed homeless and other fiscal refugees in Western Colorado.

It was not clear which bawdy houses were all-in on the plan which was described as symbiotic by local officials who have begged ignorance as to the existence of these pleasure parlors in their rigid, god-fearing image of the region.

Employee housing and other ongoing fiascos could be considered in the controversial move, leading several towns to turn their collective heads on the morality of the developments.

“Sometimes demand dictates bedfellows, strange or not,” said one town manager.

-Tommy Middlefinger