Author Archive for M. Toole

Quickie Spring Tips

with Muffy Hollandaise

Brew sun vodka for chilly spring eves

     On sunny days while you’re out fighting the wind or poaching whip up a batch of authentic potato sun vodka just like you’re brew sun tea. It’s fast and easy and costs next to nothing. First, place two or three peeled red potatoes in a ten gallon glass jar. Cover with water and add just enough more for evaporation caused by that Colorado winter sunshine. Cover mixture with oil cloth and secure. Place in the direct sun. Allow to reach a boil. Brew hooch for eight hours, poteen for 12. For a smoother, better tasting vodka try distilling for 12 years. When friends stop by, invite them to try a ladle of fresh Colorado potato vodka. Won’t they be impressed! (Offer not good in Utah).

Help for wood floors from the unlikely tail waggers

     Sick of cleaning hardwood floors. Here’s a trick that removes dirt and dust and gets some work outa the dog. All it takes is a can of tennis balls (one will do if you are not in a hurry) and a slobbering pet. In my experience German Shepherds work best because they are more intense and will retrieve the tennis ball until they drop, no matter what. They are very engaging, silly animals which quickly extracts the likelihood of early termination of the work force. While the breed is not known for obsessive drooling, saliva glands, excited by the prospect of chewing a soggy tennis ball, will easily compensate for any genetic flaws. Wear gloves if you are easily offended by water at the mouth. Continue exercise for two hours and note clean floors, free of dust wads, dirt and dog hair.

Keeping cold air out

     If you are trying to maintain a warm house during an iffy spring season remember: Continue to keep cold air out. This provides comfort just as well as keeping the warm air in. Bearing this in mind ALWAYS close exterior doors and windows on cold days and always after sunset when there is no solar advantage to having them open. Screen doors are not advised. Following this simple procedure will guarantee a warmer house and lower heating bills. You will be amazed by the heat that stays in the structure by just shutting off the outside elements. This application, while effective to a fault, will not keep a house warm on its own merit. A heat source, ventilation and fuel are also necessary. We’ll talk about them next time. Bye now.

Planets Set to Collide

(Substratum Observatory) Astronomers here predict that either Mars or Venus (or both) will collide with planet Earth, resulting in mass destruction and an end to life as we have known it. The frightening impact is expected somewhere between the next few days and the next 750 years, depending on negative energy flow, external phenomenon and the weather. Residents of the affected planets are urged to stockpile food water and blankets so as to have the best chances of survival. Evacuation plans are ludicrous at this juncture.

     “We apologize for the vagueness and inaccuracies contained in our report,” said one scientist, “and we would like to be more exact in our calculations but it’s tough to tell what is what and who is who in outer space. Trying to decide what time to have lunch is tough enough without trying to predict the arrival time of bedlam and pandemonium.”

     Meanwhile an official government statement released this morning denies any knowledge of suspicious behavior on the part of Mars and Venus. In addition leaders in world capitals agree that all residents should continue their daily rituals and not worry about “silliness that they cannot control”.

     “Like it or not the collisions could come at any time,” continued the astronomical source, “so we may as well enjoy life, although it might not hurt to get one’s cosmic ducks in a row.”

Manuel Flushe

Soviets Withheld Hangover Cure from People

(Moscow) The KGB and other control factions in the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 50 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of ripe Georgian peppercorns, liquid oxygen, generous portions of vitamin B, and dried Tabasco sauce lightly shaken with tepid vodka, was discovered by none other than Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1944. Sadly the paranoid dictator did not make his findings public, in fact did not share these remedial qualities with even his close friends and family, until his death in 1953.

     The embarrassing disclosures were released as part of a continuing house cleaning in the Kremlin. It was not clear at press time if controversial Russian leader Vladimir Putin had knowledge of the proceedings.

     Stalin’s sad legacy had survived until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure for advanced exposure to vile spirits was leaked to reporters by a Communist party girl during a weekend fling in Minsk. Since then the party girl has relocated to Finland and cannot be contacted for comment. The official recipe was never circulated within the hard-drinking population since it was destroyed by fire during the Yeltson Era.

     According to statements attributed to the now deceased Yeltsin “It remains horribly barbaric and intensely cruel to those of us that enjoy a daily repast and often exceed our limits. Withholding information of this magnitude swerves as further proof that Stalin was not only mad but heartless too.”

     For decades party officials had complained of lost workdays and low production, often attributing these social maladies to the liberal consumption of barn vodka”. Had Stalin shared his discoveries the Soviet System may have succeeded or at least shown better yields in factories and collective farms.

     “The world might be a different place today had the Soviets applied this saving catalyst,” said one expert who often dresses as Stalin and still lives with his (not Stalin’s) mother.

     The ancients seem to have possessed a remedy for alcohol poisoning as they called it. Researchers have doggedly pursued a cold trail in this vein since the Crusades. Prior to that time the personified factions of good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first put cork to bottle, brewing beer in 3500 BC.

– Gregory Rasputin Jr.

SICK BLAMED FOR HEALTH CARE WOES

(Warshington) Opponents of the absent/diluted National Health Care program, proposed by the Obama Administration, say that sick people are the major stumbling block in creating an effective policy here. The culprits, they say, lay around in hospital beds doing virtually nothing all day.

     Republicans, careful not to offend the right-wing Christian sector, added that these problem citizens should either get healthy or bow out gracefully so as to allow the rest of us to afford protection.

     Saying that these “selfish malcontents are jeopardizing the standard of living for everyone”, a spokesperson for the Sturgeon General’s Office promised to look into the matter after the November elections.

     “We’re all down with the flu this week,” whined the source,. If we had premier coverage like Congress we’d probably be able to make it to work and actually get something accomplished.”

     In the interim, concerned parties on the left and right have called for a freeze on legal immigration so that “fevered clusters of humanity can be better curtailed”. These highly vocal groups have even gone so far as to demand clean bills of health from groups entering the county illegally and serve them up as some sort of example to the sleepy American voter.

     “The last thing we need is a bunch of aliens getting sick and ruining it for everyone else,” said Efram T .Bagge from somewhere south of reality. “If they insist on having babies here, the least they could do is have the dignity to buy American-made diapers!”

     When later informed that all “American” diapers (and American flags for that matter) are made in China, the enlightened source was at a loss for further misspelled words and bad grammar.

     In a rare appearance at a suburban Virginia dog show,  Governor Abagail Spamburger told reporters that “blaming the infirmed for health care woes was like blaming cats for litter boxes. But it’s high time we identified the jive in the system,” she said. “How can our lovely state, named for a long-deceased virgin queen now be shamelessly promoted as a place for lovers.”

     Following an enthusiastic response by those in attendance, the President promised to recognize no less than 16 new breeds if elected for a second term.

     Called cheap grandstanding by dwindling voices in the Republican camp, the action was seen by non-partisan forces as an attempt to placate the sick while securing the much sought after canine vote in the coming campaigns.

     “Isn’t it about time the middle classes picked up the slack,” said one lobbyist for the American Medical Association. “If we wait for the rich or poor to cover our arses we could be six feet under before sunset. How can we realistically expect to find any answers with all the coughing and nose blowing taking precedence over common sense?”

– Tommy Middlefinger   

How Things Happen: Walter Brown

“He said honey, “I pilfered, I trifled

I murdered, I lied and I stole”

And she said “Hush and eat your supper

before everything gets cold.”

— Mark Germino

 

 For the second time in his 29 years my son was after me to get a dog. Since

the first time worked out reasonably well, I wasn’t adamantly opposed to the

idea.

 My son and I agree that a dog should be of a certain size, girth, width,

height, stature and so forth.  When we think dog we think large.  For one

thing it is hard to call a small dog a grand name like Snow King, Thor,

Juneau or Maverick.

We next pondered what kind of large dog would be most appropriate. We

discussed several brand names  –  Newfoundland and Irish Wolfhound among

them.  My son agreed to track down a source for these dogs. He’d get back to

me.

When he did several weeks later he offered a curious plan.

“First of all dad, these dogs cost money”

“What dogs?”

“Newfoundlands and they drool.”

“How much ?”

“They drool a lot dad and . . “

“No, no, how much money?

$1200 – $1500 bucks”

“Jesus son, I’m not gonna pay $1500 bucks for a dog , drool or not.”

“No dad. I’m gonna buy the dog” he said without conviction or any

enthusiasm I could notice.

“You’re going to buy the dog huh. Where are you going to get it?”

“Seattle. I think I can buy the dog in Seattle”

“You’re going to Seattle to buy the dog?” My son lives in Denver.

“No, I’ll order the dog over the internet. “I thought about this for a

couple of seconds.

“How are you going to get the dog down here.” I live in Northern New

Mexico.

“I’ll send you the dog.”

I think we both knew that the plan was dubious at best but even the

strangest endeavors sometimes assume a momentum of their own. Look at the

candidacy of George W. Bush for president.

As I thought this whole thing over I knew what I had to do. I immediately

gave notice at work to create yet more time to think this over; to prepare

myself mentally and spiritually; to be on hand when the mailman delivered

the dog and so on.  I also came up with a name for the dog. Walter. The dog

would be called Walter.

My son called back a couple of weeks later with the news that he had

discussed with his fiancee the plan to buy a $1500 dog in Seattle over the

internet and send it to me .

“What did she say son?”

“She said it was the dumbest thing she had ever heard of.”

We were both relieved.

This would probably have been the end of the whole matter had I not come up

with a name for the dog.

Walter.

  Some people believe that as a concept or idea becomes real in your mind it

becomes real in actuality. Kind of like what you believe is what you’re

gonna get. Nobody knows exactly how this works because the mechanism is

invisible to most of us. It may have to do with the “unified field”. It may

have to do with the “collective unconscious”. It may revolve from  some

mysterious “underlying intelligence”. We don’t understand it precisely

because it is silent to our normal senses but that in no ways means it

doesn’t exist.

Some people see it as no more than the complete circle of giving and

receiving.  Some people call it flow, others call it belief or faith. Still

others tab it dumb luck.

The first time I actually saw Walter was about a week later. He was

recovering from internal injuries and surgery to repair a broken back leg.

He was in a cage at the Vet’s office looking kind of sad and dopey.  My ex

wife, who found him the day before outside of the Espanola library, an

apparent victim of an encounter with a car or truck, had taken him to the

vet then notified me.

As I looked at Walter I wondered of course if he would grow to be a

reasonably large dog, which he has to include an astoundingly large head. I

also wondered what kind of dog he might be.  Today, six  months later, I am

still wondering.

The vet told me that because Walter had four pins in his leg that it was

very important, oh boy did she stress this, that the dog not walk ,

certainly not run, around for two weeks.

I fashioned a cardboard box and pretty much carried Walter around with me.

From time to time removing him from the box and placing him outside

exhorting and encouraging him to do his duty or something like that. I’m not

sure how I put it.

It is not easy  to keep a  month old puppy in cardboard box for an extended

period of time. I think I did as well as the next guy except one occasion

when Walter was accompanying me in the truck on a trip to Espanola.

One of my accomplishment since I left Crested Butte is learning how to use

a drive up ATM machine and it was on the way to such a machine that I made

my first mistake. I pulled into MacDonalds and ordered a Sausage MucMuffin.

I placed the  breakfast sandwich on the dashboard and drove across the

street to the ATM machine where with confidence I inserted the plastic card

into the bowels of the machine. I punched in a four number code known only

to me and requested forty bucks. The machine indicated it was processing .

At this time I made my second mistake. I reasoned I could unwrap and take a

bite out of that Sausage MucMuffin while I waited for my cash. The instant

the sandwich was unwrapped and en route  to my mouth Walter, bum leg and

all, sprang like a cougar out of the box straight through me towards the

sandwich. Surprised and startled  I fended off the surprisingly strong and

determined dog in an effort to protect myself and the sandwich which was

mistake # 3.

  Walter tumbled back into his box which in turn tumbled  into the gearshift

and onto the floor of the truck  spewing out the dog in a crumbled and

awkward position and causing him to engage in a sustained, plaintive howl.

Oh Jesus, what have I done? As the machine churned out my cash,  I set

about rescuing the dog, spilling a cup of dangerous McDonald coffee in the

process, not directly on the dog thank god, but  contributing in general to

the ongoing mayhem and disorder.

  I untangled the dog the best I could. I repeatedly expressed sincere

regret . I held him. I cajoled and calmed him. I lamented my stupidity and

then after the third absolution of “‘I’ll make up to you Walter I really

will” I reached out to complete my transaction with the ATM machine only the

money wasn’t there any longer. Did it fly out of the tray?  Did it . . .

I subsequently learned that after a prescribed period of time ATM machines

will swallow back your money.  The machine of course deducts the money it

just snatched away from you from your account.  It’s your fault. You didn’t

“grab it fast.” I tossed the now battle torn sandwich in the trash and drove

away.

Walter has cost me in other ways. When I engaged a plumber at the modest

rate of 80 bucks an hour Walter stealthily removed a key part, then a key

tool from the operation which cost me at least another forty bucks in time

relocating. Then there is his curious habit of  snatching my razor and

chewing it , blade included, beyond recognition. Did I mention that he

throws up any food that costs less than $1 a can?

Still the dog is a blessing, a proud and goofy compliment and companion.

Most guys really like their dogs and I’m no exception. Perhaps it’s the

unconditional love, for sure it’s the humor, and  maybe, just maybe, it

sometimes has something to do with the process of  how a thing happens in

the first place.

— Lee H. Ervin

Lip Reading Offered by Motor Vehicle

(Montrose Bad Language Lab)

     A free lip-reading seminar is slated for late November, compliments of the Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles. The course has been streamlined from last year, concentrating on senior drivers, teens and those in need of anger management therapy.

     The course, conducted for all, is expected to “better the communications between easily irritated motorists and those with less than perfect hearing” according to Melvin O’Toole, Executive Director of Sociology and Downright Ignorant Behavior at nearby Pea Green Academy.

     “The offering will concentrate on the 20 most common phrases of frustration associated with bad driving habits,” quipped O’Toole, “so that even with air-conditioning on in summer, and in winter with the windows rolled up, clear communication of distinct concepts and often vulgsar suggested ideas will flow.”

     O’Toole did not touch on complaints that many local drivers are dozing off at the wheel or exhibiting a trance akin to heavy television addicts. Traffic noise, vehicle vibration or even the radio lulls them to sleep when it usually keeps other drivers alert.

     “They are somewhere else than in the driver’s seat,” said the heralded director. “It’s a wonder they make it to the grocery and back.”

     Mass transit, recently available in the city, was expected to relieve this chronic problem or at least discourage driving at prime times. Unfortunately suspect operators often forget about this option, after locating their keys and backing into the garage door or a potted plant in the yard.

     Persons over 75 will receive a companion print version of the class so as to insure they do not miss clever, innovative exchanges hurled at them by motorists wishing to adhere to the speed limit and reach their destination before nightfall.

– Attila Diggins

CRESTEDPOLITAN MAGAZINE

GO FAX YOURSELF A NEW ROMANCE

     If it doesn’t make you jealous enough to know that all your friends are shacking up with Mr. Right while you’re giving the cat a bath on Saturday night, be informed that they’re setting up their lust sessions with a Fax machine. Believe it, sister! Want to screen those potential bedmates without embarrassment, mainstream commitment or potential stalking? It’s the safe and easy way to get through the preliminaries and into the sack!

     The first thing to do is secure a safe Fax network, one free of bothersome old boyfriends and unacceptable suitors. Don’t use the one down at the office. The best idea here is to buy your own and insure privacy. They cost about $100 plus paper.

     Keep in mind that photographs are never enhanced on a Fax so don’t be overly concerned if your potential lover looks like a prune or a young executive suffering from yellow fever or the scurvy.

     Keep the phone lines open to send and receive the right message. Sometimes men can be slow to respond and it’s probably a good idea to include a deadline or some sort of shelf life for your proposal to be answered. Don’t be shy. It’s the Nineties and women can get away with a little aggression. It’s better than a movie with the girls!

     Whether this approach to love in modern times works or not is up to you. Remember: There’s no limit as to the amount of bait used. Try soaking your initial Fax in perfume or leave a little lipstick at the bottom of the page. Men are generally stupid so be direct. It’s better than hanging out in front of the grocery or trolling Elk Avenue even with lower gasoline prices. Good luck, you fox.

RID YOURSELF OF FLAKES AND BUMP DATES

     It’s close quarters here in Crested Butte. One date with a geek and you’ll probably run into same four or five times on the way to the lifts or end up waiting on him at a local restaurant. This situation calls for extreme measures. YOU COULD MOVE TO BOULDER OR…

     HOW TO DUMP A DUD DATE: There are lots of ways to shorten an unpleasant experience but it could take more savvy than shortening that little black dress of yours. Popular ways to can a boring companion include drownings (Blue Mesa and Peanut Lake are the perfect locale) dumping off cliffs (Upper Gothic Road, Ohio Pass and even Quirky Kebler work great for the impulsive push or calculated shove). The idea here is to do a clean job before anyone gets wind of your dissatisfaction. Don’t wait around to be annoyed by nasal phone messages and love letters chucked full of misspellings and invitations to an intimate dinner at the sewage treatment plant. TIP: Don’t drive drunk or park too long on Elk Avenue or the local marshal’s office will get wind of your behavior and may investigate.

AVALANCHE DANGERS TOUGH ON MAKE-UP

     Every spring we mountain folk must brace ourselves for an unusually brutal does of late winter. Funny, but nobody remembers last April’s dump when the sun hits the snow in March. Be prepared for wet snow and dry air by covering up with any one of an assortment of creams and lotions especially made for dry skin. AND IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE THIS MONTH avoid avalanche regions and other unstable social situations. It’s your skin and your hide is stuck to it, baby.

     While we’re on the subject of falling ice and snow and natural disasters keep in mind that March is a great time to move in with your lover (since he’ll probably be moving back to Moline in April). Just keep in mind that men are fools and must be manipulated daily. TIPS: 1.) Don’t cook dinner for him after you are co-habitating since he’ll grow to expect it. 2.) Train him to keep the seat down. 3.) The dog you loved before the merger belongs outside. 4.) When his mother calls tell her you’re the maid or just a friend. Don’t admit to anything. 5.) Inhabit a place with at least two bathrooms. 6.) Decide just who buys what for the household: For example if he buys the light bulbs, you buy the toilet paper. 7.) If he comes down with a cold get a hotel room for the week. 8.) Losing pounds while he gorges himself on mashed potatoes, ice cream and beer is not likely. Try to put him on a diet and reward him with your affections when he skips a snack. 9.) Flirt with the pizza deliver guy only if your lover is within earshot. 10.) Fill in your best advice and take it to the bank. Common sense be damned here…Let’s get nasty!

INSIDE YOUR CRESTEDPOLITAN

For the theater or the salon…

SULTRY NEW PUMPS SURE TO MELT THE SNOW

More Styles than places to wear them

Strangers in the Night?

WHERE TO GO IN TOWN AND NOT KNOW A SOUL

Failing bistros and semi-trendy cafes

that have no following whatsoever, await you

TRY A CLOVE WITH THAT NEW HAIRDO – EVEN THE DOG LIKES IT!

Garlic Perfumes For Spring

Go from Ms. Crazy to Ms. Cool with Herbal Makeovers

Cloud seeding for future passion…

HOW TO KEEP HIM IN BED ON A POWDER MORNING

Underhanded tricks of the trade for getting what you want

This Month’s Fiction: “The Beauty Pageant Turns Ugly”

What to wear to the revolution — by Patricia Hearst

Safe Tanning – a pressing question or just a hype to sell more sunscreen?

Read all about it Woody’s Survival Guide

RICH SKI BABES AND BEAUS MOB ELK AVENUE.

Get all the details and maybe get lucky too! In Hey, Bozos

Mountain Express to run buses on discarded phone books

(Crested Butte) In what experts are calling a revolutionary fuel saving effort, Mountain Express buses will begin burning unclaimed/discarded phone directories as of July. The gratis Crested Butte bus service is currently using an assortment of cooking oil, fossil fuels and good will to keep the service afloat.

     At the time of this writing there are an estimated 40 different telephone books circulating Gunnison County alone. According to unconfirmed sources if every person in the county used 5 phone directories in a year that would leave some 700,000 books collecting dust. The number of books from other locales smuggled into area during the summer months is, according to spleen counters, impossible to estimate.

     Fears that the directories might fall into the hands of international terrorists prompted a no lo contesto gov’ment intrusion policy in the alternative use program.

     “We can operate our fleet on half that many,” said a spokesman for Mountain Express. “Since storage is limited, and because there will be new books coming off the press we plan to give some of the leftover books to the indigent for use in cooking. The rest will most likely be used to wallpaper Totem Pole Park.

     The application of the recycled phone books is expected to relieve the rising cost of more traditional fuels and provide reading material for people bored with the alpine scenery here in one of so many paradises.

     “We will have to forgo fuel-injected engines and continue to shun air-conditioning, but these measures will pay for themselves by ski season,” said D. Tucker, former Executive Director of Humane Services for the company. “In addition I am ordering all current bus drivers to shave their heads for improved visibility, high altitude velocity and streamline-dynamics.”

     Several publishers of the junk phone books, chosen at random for comment, did not return our calls Friday since we do not have a phone.

     Anyone finding himself with more directories than necessary should call Mountain Express to arrange pickup. Books with pages missing will not be accepted.

– Suzie Compost