Author Archive for M. Toole

APOLOGY

We mistakenly printed a story entitled “Perhaps your mistress needs cleaning” when I should have read “Perhaps your mattress needs cleaning”. We are sorry for this insensitive, mysogynistic and mindless mistake.  We sincerely hope that no long lasting damage has occurred within the already vulnerable social strata of the modern west.  

Elk Bugling Classes Told

Learn to bugle like an elk in just three short weeks with our Super Emersion program. Pass by Testosterone Brothers Slaughterhouse in Colona for application and possible fiscal assistance arrangements.  Classes now forming at Ed’s Mobile Liver and Onion Wagon for the 2027 rutting season. Saturday mini-exposure sleepovers at the Ouray Poor Farm. Herd discounts weekdays. Horny instructors always. Wapiti insurance happily accepted.

Hallan estrangulado al gran inventor de las pantimedias

El reconocido inventor de las pantimedias, Melvin Toole, de 95 años, fue hallado estrangulado esta mañana en el baño de una biblioteca no identificada.

La investigación preliminar fue cerrada hoy tras arrojar escasos resultados sobre el violento suceso. Las autoridades admiten no haber determinado si se trata de un homicidio, un suicidio, un crimen de odio o incluso un accidente.

“Ocurren más accidentes en los baños que en cualquier otra parte de la casa”, comentó con nerviosismo una bibliotecaria visiblemente conmocionada. “Además, Toole ya no era precisamente un jovencito”.

Llevaba allí dentro bastante tiempo, pero, ya sabe, me resistía a llamar a la puerta, con eso de las leyes de privacidad y todo lo demás», exclamó con la respiración entrecortada un miembro del personal presente en el lugar.

— Tommy Middlefinger

Posers Surpass Brummagems, Frauds

People Watchers International says posers in the developed world have surpassed records set long before selfies, GPS, cell phones or AI arrived to help us have a better life as robots and orcs.

The borderline group has reluctantly studied a myriad of vivid, albeit glassed over, formulas, fears, explanations and stubborn mysteries for over 60 years leaving many contributors stumped with new riddles unsolved or still in paring mode.

When asked what conundrum stood out the most in his memory one snooping associate laughed. “We still haven’t figured out why there are more horses’ asses than horses, but we’re working on it.”

-compiled with the assistance of the San Juan Horseshoe —“The newspaper that can spell Uncompahgre backwards”

Vistors and guests:

While in Colorado this fall don’t miss the local and highly cosmetic Poser’s Ball held everyday in ski areas across the state.

No dogs, no alcohol, no loitering

Brunot Agreement Rescinded

After more than 150 years courting appeals and petitioning higher powers the Blue Sky People have won an unprecedented legal battle which effectively negates the Brunot Treaty and returning some 3.5 million acres of land to its rightful owners. The questionable agreement, signed in 1873 under blatantly false pretense, called for the removal of all Utes from the area of mines, which included all of the San Juans, most of the foothills and everything else that wasn’t tied down..

     Even though a previous Treaty (1868) guaranteed that the land “would be theirs forever” the newer entente, hatched by newcomers such as Governor Frederick Pitkin, called for the expulsion of the seven Ute bands to reservations along the New Mexico and Utah borders.

     At the time the Utes did not understand what the government had done. It had been their understanding during negotiations that they would give up land on which the mines were actually located, not all the land that contained mines. The situation was further clouded by a government decree recognizing Ouray (of the Uncompahgre Band) as chief of all Colorado Utes. This designation allegedly helped grease the smooth transfer of lands to white settlers.

     “If Ouray was chief of the Utes then my ass chews gum,” said one Ute sheep herder living near Ignacio. “He was never elected to anything. I was all a giant hoax to grab our land, which we feel cannot be owned in the first place.”

     During the last few days of hearings, Supreme Quart justices apologized to the Blue Sky People for “unparalleled grievances, rampant violence and methodical racism”. Saying that the land in question was stolen they declared all treaties starting with the Calhoun Treaty of 1850 to be null and void.

     “We can’t give these native peoples back their culture, their murdered families or their way of life but we can damn sure give them back their land.

     In keeping with the ruling, the town of Ouray will be renamed Colorow and the city of Gunnison to Tomichi. Colorow was a real chief and Gunnison had been named after early white explorer John Gunnison, a man of questionable moral fiber.

     “Tomichi sounds better,” continued the herder.

     “We expect it will take about 100 years for the land to return to its more natural state,” explained one Ute councilman from what was once called Cortez, and will now be named Weeminuche City.

     The white folks currently residing on the effected acreage will have until Friday to vacate the premises or be forcibly moved to reservations in the desert.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Electoral college eyeballs Montrose

  The city of Montrose has been named as a possible site for a new electoral college, scheduled to begin classes as early as January. Thanks to a private grant, the college will be built somewhere in rural Colorado. Since March a group of distinguished regents and provosts have been busy examining the pros and cons of each potential location.

     After serious reservations, due to problems associated with a state college appointment here in the Fifties, and to the demise of the Colorado Mountain College that was once operated in Montrose, decision makers had feared that the city was academically hostile due to cultural biases and since it did not have a functional bookstore within the city limits.

     Not just a commuter college, the new facility could accommodate up to 20,000 students once the dormitories are completed in 2035. Although nothing specific has been nailed down, future fathers of education and commerce seem intent on an eastside location, walking distance to the center of town.

     The college will focus on political science, chemistry and hospitality coursework with a BA or BS in liberal arts or agricultural science. Athletic squads will be encouraged and competition with existing institutions could begin this fall.

     Unreliable sources confirmed persistent rumors that the short list includes Cortez, Silverton and Maher as well as Montrose. Donors have chosen communities where an economic boost was most needed. At least twenty-five locales bid for consideration on the expansion of higher education. Other regional schools had little input at the final announcement, simply drooling at the prospect of another patsy on the gridiron.

– Hopper “Flash” Floode

(We) “could be court-martialed… and condemned to take a walk up Ladder Lane and down Hemp Street.” – conversation among castaway discussing the dangers of mutiny in The Wager by David Grann. Ladder Lane refers to the steps up the scaffold and Hemp Street is the hangman’s rope.