Author Archive for M. Toole
The importance of cutting national intelligence quotients prioritized
When told by a reporter that the Oval Office was actually a rectangle, orange trump vacantly replied “I know that. We’re transparent and covert around here. There are no corners for deadbeats to hide in,” he said*.
“You know, malcontents on food stamps and Democrats playing the system is the big drain. It’s costing us billions!” he ranted. “Even massive tax breaks to the rich won’t solve this “wicked transgression of racketeering and gangsterism”, he deflected.
“Shapes don’t matter to me, he continued. “I have designed over 40 offices, built resorts and made millions through my business deals. I have strengthened our alliances, saved the failed Biden economy through my very popular tariffs, protected voting rights for white American citizens and killed socialist wind energy so we can all go back to watching television 22 hours a day.** In addition I have single-handedly reduced our reliance on National Intelligence, cutting the veteran spook staff by at least 1/3, maybe even 1/4, he bragged.”
“That orange thing is the president and he doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about you or I.” – reporter on oval and rectangular
* The AP Stylebook, Merriam-Webster, The American Heritage Dictionary and The Chicago Manual of Style have sanctioned the use of the world lie as a valid and more precise substitute for the word said when quoting trump or anyone associated with the current administration.
Noting a humorous aside, the exacting language cops topped off this phraseology with a vague reference: “How can you tell he is lying? His mouth moves.” In addition, the embrace of the new verb called “long in coming” by communist detractors certain that trump has never read these reference sources despite “finishing first in his class at University of Pennsylvania,” (or so he said.)
“He reads the wrappers on fast food delivered to the back door of the White House,” said one strawberry GOP congressman. “Otherwise, I have yet to see anything resembling a book in his possession. At least he’s white.”
**It is clear to these nincompoops that since wind energy is not a fossil fuel it is not powerful enough to operate common household appliances such as televisions, riding mowers and home air defense systems and therefore should be demonized, delegated to and designated as a shithole enterprise.
– Fred Zepplin
DISPATCHES FROM THE SAN JUAN
(Late 19th Century tidbits and teasers)
Mears Accused of Bribery
(Lake City) Local entrepreneur, Otto Mears, was formally charged today with bribery in connection with an alleged buy-off of more than 150 Ute chiefs and assorted braves. The action was taken by representatives of the federal government.
According to the allegations Mears offered the Utes $2 each for the release of some 150,000 acres of land on the east side of the Continental Divide from the Gunnison River to New Mexico territory. The two dollar payments were to act as a substitute for more than $100,000 offered by the government, at a later date.
Said Mears: The Utes would rather have the small cash allotment now than wait for the larger amount later. He added that he had saved the United States $900,700 and that he should be thanked rather than punished.
The Russian immigrant/railroad builder has been under the scrutiny of the authorities before due to questionable dealings with the Red Mountain Toll Road and the Ophir Loop. His close friendship with Chief Ouray and his position as negotiator with the Utes may have won him release in the past but the current charges are being pressed by Mears’ detractors at the state and federal level. A trial date has not been set.
Mears has reportedly been in hiding at the King Solomon Mine grooming his herd of Rocky Mountain canaries for the spring assault.
CAVIAR, FAKE PALMS GREET ROYALTY
(Telluride) When the Duke of Marlboro and the Duchess of Kent arrive in Telluride next week they will experience red carpet treatment San Juan style. In addition to feasts and mining exhibitions planned for the stay, the two will be put up at the lavish Sheridan Hotel which boasts the only indoor plumbing facilities in the county.
According to the greeting committee made up exclusively of mine owner’s wives, the comfort facilities, which froze up last week, have been thawed out and are ready for the duke and duchess. In addition a measles quarantine, affecting most of the valley to San Miguel City, has been lifted.
Chinese and Irish populations in the town will be restricted to Catholic Hill and kept away from the royal couple. The authorities fear Fenian activity among the Irish miners and “just don’t want the Orientals around.” The Duke, British born, has vast holdings in Ireland.
“We will fetch the royal couple from Montrose and accompany them into town on the Galloping Goose,” said one committee member. “It’s the first time anyone like this has visited Telluride since the troubles started at the Smuggler last spring.
Meanwhile most of the men and several of the women in town are busy growing mustaches in apprehension of the event.
“Even though we’d rather have a king and queen of someplace we’ll take these two,” said local banker Charles Waggoner. “It’s all sort of a dry run for the summer anyway,” he smiled, “when we’ve invited 4000 Texas tourists for the Fourth of July celebration.”
Day Wins Dozen Libel Suits in Three Hours
(Ouray) David Frakes Day, editor of the controversial Ouray Solid Muldoon. was acquitted on all charges stemming from 12 separate libel suits filed since last February. The happy editor left the courthouse smiling and immediately returned to work on this week’s issue.
Winning in court is nothing new for Day who has faced legal challenges from the beginning of his illustrious career.
“He doesn’t like Republicans, nor mine owners, nor Utes, not upwardly mobile women,” said his attorney. “That doesn’t leave to many people around these parts. I expect to be busy with his legal representation into the next century.”
BULLY SHOT, KILLER SOUGHT
(Telluride) Marshal Jim Clark, arguably the most hated and feared man in town, was shot in the back last night while patrolling Colorado Avenue.
For years known as a sadistic gunman who beat up miners and harassed citizens for his own enjoyment Clark will be missed by his horse. Although the killer is at large, leaders in the town say they will begin a thorough search for same just as soon as they are finished celebrating.
Clark will be buried in the third shaft from the right at the Butterfly-Terrible Mine. No service has been scheduled.
Bunco Artist Barred From Town
(Silverton) Convicted con man, Soapy Smith, was kicked out of town Friday and warned never to return. The slippery crook was this time accused to bilking miners and watering down whiskey at his makeshift gambling hall.
Readers will remember Smith’s antics over in Creede (another town from which he is banned from visiting) last year. According to eye witnesses there Smith claimed to have unearthed what he called The Cardiff Giant, which he claimed was a petrified corpse, from the Commodore Mine. After charging residents to see the thing Smith sold it to a traveling carnival.
This most recent infraction reportedly had to do with Smith’s attempts to sell rare Indian head nickels, graced by the image of George Custer on the flip side.
“The only reason we don’t hang that scalawag is because he gave out free turkeys to the needy last Christmas,” said one marshal, “and he’s nice to his mother.”
Indians Raid Rico Again
(Rico) Bands of Ute warriors attacked this remote gold camp again last night, raising hell and stealing horses. No one was injured as residents boarded themselves up and the Utes seemed satisfied with starting a few small fires and making a lot of noise.
This is the third time this month the town has fallen under siege.
“It’s getting to be a regular Saturday night ordeal,” said Walen Marks, mayor of Rico. “Next time we’ll be ready for them.”
The residents of Rico have been careful not to overreact to the attacks. Many are concerned that if they anger the Utes the tribe will put a curse on their valley like they have already done to the San Miguel, the Uncompahgre, the South Fork and the Gunnison Valleys.
“We don’t need that kind of publicity,” said Marks.
compiled fom various local news sources 1887 – 1891
Congress Reschedules Colonoscopies Until After Midterms
(Warshington) The United States Congress today rescheduled a group colonoscopy for three days after the coming Mid-Term election. The sudden shift affects 50 senators and over 80 representatives.
“We have been on hold here since Obamacare was destroyed, so what’s another few months?” asked Winnie Kampachi (Unitarian-MT).
The reason given for the cancellations was quite vague as has become customary within the governing body. Some say the simple surgery will conflict with last minute campaigning while others expressed concern that their medical results may get lost in the mail now that the USPS has been downsized.
“Considering the scope of things here most of our “leaders” don’t want to be on-camera until they can better analyze the polls in the days preceding homecoming at their designated Electoral College,” she whinnied.
Politicians in the loser’s seat after November remain in heated debate over what constitutes a pre-existing condition and what is clearly cranium-rectal disorder, often treated with overpriced robber baron pharmaceuticals.
The Congress will not be in session on the day of the colonoscopies despite the fact that the intrusive checkup is an outpatient procedure.
– Hal A Butt
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In keeping with federal regulations and the continued validity of our FCC, OMG, KFC, LSMFT status the contents of this rattlesheet turned website must contain at least .03% useful information to our reader. We therefore take this opportunity to embrace public service by including this spit of data within the quakey walls of justice and eternal reams of our consciousness:
Saint Donald (also known as Donald of Ogilvy) is an 8th Century Scotish poet, remembered for living a holy monastic life alongside his nine daughters, who are known as the Nine Maidens. His feast day is celebrated every year on July 15.
trumps’ attack on Head Start is being investigated as a hate crime
donald trump’s attempt to dismantle Head Start, a successful federal program for children living without a basic emotional and educational environment, has been perceived and discerned in a myriad of ways. The empathetic GOP cries foul as funds are spent to give these kids a shot (while they bank millions through their ubiquitous, albeit shady dealings.). Shortcut liberals pat themselves on the back but do nothing to protect what they have created. The reality is that countless low-income children have been prepared for success in school with the kind of help inherent to the program. Considering the chain of poverty and the culture of losing, most would not get the assistance and encouragement at home, especially in single-parent households.
We better be damn sure we know what we’re doing when we give a leg up to one of these baby victims. If we don’t watch it one of them could grow up and be President one day.
Critics claim the program is chucked full of corruption while supporters say the proposed cuts punish poor children while trump and his darlings buy islands and yachts and jets and governments with money brazenly stolen from struggling Americans.
Police are investigating trump’s racist and hostile targeting of Head Start as a hate crime which carries with it increased penalties and prison time.
– Pepper Salte
Is the Missing Link Really Coming to Colona?
As of late August the Missing Link is slated to to speak at The International Wheelwright Convention to be held in this chic, flashpoint town. He is replacing recognized hero of the Enlightenment, Jean-Jacques Rousseau who passed away in 1778.
“We had Alexander Pope on the docket but he couldn’t commit. (He passed in 1744),” said Jim Bob Hobbes, (brother of philosopher Thomas Hobbes (who dropped dead in 1679 ) royal ringmaster of this year’s gathering.
“This is big,”said one Colona longshoreman, “bigger than the Swift-Kelsey wedding, more profound than the Martian shot, better than free lunch. It’s on par with virgin appearances and the mega snowstorms of yesteryear.”
Showing the wear of his 117 years, the Link has survived almost magically on his charm and a bit of trickery common to time travelers. Throw in a fistful of translucence and he has outwitted police as well as many of his supporters who are pestering him to retire to the antique olive presses down on his farm in Pea Green.
In short, he has bedazzled the authorities by clever shape changing and holding his breath underwater for hours. Most of his frustrated pursuers say the slippery bastard is wanted only for questioning but that could easily be defined as confinement and countless medical appraisals.
As of this morning the Missing Link is still missing, at least as detractors tell it. In the past he has avoided genetic showboating, fading into the background, unassuming yet witty. His ability to rub elbows with everyday amoeba and fairy flies and to converse with your average bush elephant only adds to his fame. His dialogues with Java Man are still considered classics by the surviving scientific community here and on Log Hill Mesa.
The last time the Link visited Colona was in 1956 when, sadly, he was run off by Piltdown sheep herders on Simms Mesa. His only crime was that of overtipping. In spite of that violent incident he refuses body guards and scoffs at rolling up the bullet-proof windshield on his patented 1936 Henway coup. Interestingly enough, after eluding the wooly predators he lost his balance executing an en dedans pirouette and spent a month on-the-mend at the prestigious Gladstone Sanitarium, under the protection of the Knights of Temperance.
Meanwhile MICE agents, anxious to deport the Missing Link, have been seen loitering around the town, highly conspicuous despite their bullying posture and clumsy efforts to blend into the small town’s goings on.
-Gabby Haze
“And now, if life isn’t rigid and stressed enough on its own, I have committed to play 18 in Montrose tomorrow.”
-Melvin Bedwetter Toole, an alleged journalist who now goes to bed at 7:30 pm, 8 on weekends.
Aspen Whipping outlawed in three counties
Gallows Catapulting. Arborists say…”Has no place in the olympics, winter, summer or special.” In her well received pamphlet “The Reverberations of Albinos Tanning” she equates the growing popularity of the sport to phony populist movements, twisting and bending gov’ment lies, challenges to affordability and an once-healthy economy ready to snap.
Her most intense focus is allocated to the carefully choreographed assassination of Donald Trump in Pennsylvania by MAGA and some shadowy character trespassing on his West Palm gold course. (Think: Why did trump’s ear stop bleeding so quickly? Did he strike the defiant pose before or after shots rang out?)
“There will be plenty of golf courses in hell, “ – Rev Phil Pharisee, preaching from his high pulpit on the subject of Sunday church attendance, eternal responsibility and slothfulness.
